A/N: Yeah, it can be confusing, so if you have any questions, please ask me.
Broken
I am broken.
I do not know why
But I am.
Don't fall in love, because everything that falls
breaks.
Don't hope for something too out of reach, because you won't reach it.
At all.
Stop convincing yourself that things will fall into place
because at some point, someone will take the spades that you needed.
And everything
everything
goes wrong.
They are wrong.
Envy is not defined in an ugly shade of green, but in reds and blues
and uncontrollable slashes of hot white strips and
the swelling of concern and uncertainty
AND IT'S NOT
real.
I was so sure...
So certain.
But when you bet all of your money on a too good to be true wish,
You.
Won't.
Win.
And that's what makes life life
*surprises.*
You cannot predict anything.
But you sit there with that knowing grin,
and hell,
life's going to come back with an all too familiar slap in the face
that you should've seen coming.
You can't be one of those girls.
You're not.
Not the ones who get invited to last minute not-so-bonfires
and who get "out of the blue" kisses on the cheek.
You're the judged girl who can't possibly be like anyone else.
The one who "reads dictionaries for fun"
not
Who's going to light your match and engulf the darkness with an unforgettable spark?
"If at first you don't succeed, sit and wonder what isn't going the way you planned."
Reality check: EVERYTHING.
Envy comes in a selection of fake smiles and simple nods
and the urge to burn down a skyscraper
And the fact that all you can ask now is
"How could I be so naive?"
and
"How did I fool myself?"
and
"When will high school start?"
so you can take one of those big erasers for big mistakes
and start without past that holds lack of common sense
So pick the flower petals carefully,
so that they don't come off with a pluck
but a
BANG.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Timmy here
I am here to review this piece only because you asked me to. If I had it my way, I would just leave a comment and skedaddle - not having anything to say that can help you. I really love the message you have in here, and the formatting is just beautiful. I know it is rather weird to praise the formatting of a work, but this one was just... wow. I love how you did it, how each part was structured in such a way so certain words and phrases were pulled out from the piece and emphasized. You have another admirer of your work,
as though I wasn't one before, though.Egh. Let's look through this and see if I can find anything to say besides to nod and cry at the appropriate times.
Um, yeah. Take out that period. xD
Let me stare at this sentence for a few years so I can understand what you're saying. Take note that this is not a nitpick - only me trying to interpret the line properly. If I see it incorrectly... well, you an accept it as a nitpick or not. Your choice. (;
So when I read this, you said that you were the "judged girl" - so the one everyone poked fun at behind your back. The one who was ridiculed for something, whether it be funny-looking socks or the fact that you're sitting alone in that corner alone. Again. But then you went and said "who can't possibly be like anyone else" Which confused me, because you were just saying that she was the judged girl because she was unique and her own person.
wut is dis
I must not be reading this properly, or just not understanding the line for what it means. I shall look at it in a different way. *turns screen upside down* Um, nope. Still confusing, except this time I can't read anything, too. Oh, bother. Anywho... that line did confuse me, and because it didn't seem to make sense. She was made fun of and judged because she was her own unique person. Doesn't make sense or seem like a good enough reason.
Absolutely gorgeous. <3
*facepalm* I can't believe I am nitpicking this. You forgot the accent mark on naïve. xD
Um. Asking yourself a question is not stating a fact. >.< How many fingers am I holding up now? (- dun answer that question. Go away, Alfred. >.>) So I think you could take the "the fact" part completely out, because asking yourself a question is simply that - no facts involved except whoever answers you. I read the line without it, and I thought it sounded just fine. Hopefully.
simple nods didn't compare when placed alongside fake smiles. "simple nods" sounded too... um, well, simple. And not really pertaining to envy. I mean, when thinking about it, I go and simply nod to people all day. O.O I had no idea that was me showing my envy. hehehe
I have this urge each time I get cold and want to roast marshmallows.
This line seemed to wordy and mouthy for me. You have no idea how many cough drops and soar throats I went through before I could read this properly. >.< Anywho, I think you could go and change it to what she wanted her past to be, rather then not be. Then you could take out "lack of" and "without". You could say something like: and start with a past that holds blah blah of common sense - or something similar.
That's what happens when you play a guitar. O.O
Well, this didn't go too well. But I did get something written down, so I suppose this review was a sorta success, right? hee-hee
I think you did an amazing job on this poem, Grace. Yes, just amazing. I love how you wrote it, and the formatting, and the message - just everything. I wasn't ever in real middle-school, so I wouldn't have any advice to give you, which I am sure you're very sad about. But I will say one thing: penguins have all the answers to your life problems. Always. Ask them and they will give you an eloquent answer involving, uh, lasagna.
Your favorite poem of mine. <3 And a topic you and I can both relate with, I think. Just lovely.
~Timothy <3
I think I meant to review this a long time ago. And as many people may have commented before me, I will try to find three things for you to correct, and then I shall shower you with praises. xD
(notify me when you do please)
Uh... So after reading this I think I don't know but one thing bad to say...Good job xD
"And that's what makes life life"
This was confusing at first, and I'm really only being picky because this is the only thing that was slightly off in this poem.
Okay, praises:
I'm so happy you tried messing around with different formatting. Honestly, I wanted more. More, more, more. I think you can kind of create some imagery from formatting and you can also make pauses and things more dramatic. I love formatting things differently. If you want to read a really good example I recommend my most favorite poem on all of YWS: f*ggot
#amazingness <3 But yes, I think it would be awesome if you played around with formatting some more
Next, I love the first few lines.
Especially - "Don't fall in love, because everything that falls
breaks."
I wonder, did you see that somewhere (like a quote) or did you think of it? It's really awesome
Okay, overall, this is amazing as usual. Like. One of my favorites of your work. <3
- Kamryn
About the poem I tagged, I'm sorry if it's a little too strong worded for you :/ I also wrote something with formatting, although not as amazing, here it is: Don't Worry I was Already Chipped Before You Shattered Me
Thanks for this review! That one line was actually taken from Taylor Swift hee hee
I had actually read both before ^^ I even reviewed your poem
Thank you!
Haha xD
I can't relate to this that well but crushes aren't simple. Though the crushes now days are just out of admiration. But i agree with katyaelefant. You do have to get to know them first and even then it may not go well. A crush does hurt but it's not the most painful thing out there though. Anyway, I love the poem. It shows a lot of potential and I felt some what connected even though I can't really relate. keep up the good work!
Okay: I liked the guy for two years without telling anyone. The second year he started paying attention to me more. I thought that maybe he liked me. I wrote this after being sick and tired of having all my crushes ask out different girls because nobody tried to get to know me
There's the story. I know patience with crushes more than katya thinks.
I'm no oblivious
I'm really sorry if I sounded harsh. I shouldn't have been that way
My crush might start dating me in a year or two... *hides the 2 year plan that I totally didn't make* I can't really relate to this but I know that everyone approaches their school crushes incorrectly. You have to get to know them and then you do all the other stuff....slowly. I kept my crush a secret for a year from my friends! A YEAR! Do ya know the patience? THE PAIN!!! This year I have to now try to talk to him without my friends knowing or they will go AWWW. Yup...crushes are just patience. XD
Katya you don't know my story
XD I know how this can happen, I just am stating my opinion on how some high school crushes can be reality
High school crushes? This poem isn't about high school crushes, and we all know how crushes work Katya. I liked the guy for two years, I knew how to approach him and got to know him. When he asked out another girl it was like a slap in the face because he SEEMED to show interest me. Please, Katya, I knew what I was doing. I was very patient. Then I got angry because of my patience and the fact i never said anything
You seem to be angry with anything I say..... I'm just stating my opinion. I've had to delete several posts because you had a negative opinion about it and it ruined the whole conversation. *I'm not saying that you can't have an opinion it's just that sometimes we all need to respect others' opinions*
Wait, what?
Which posts?
Trust me Katya, I'm NOT angry, I'm just a little confused. It made me feel like you thought I didn't know what I was doing. I'm sorry if I made you feel that way
Notice in my first reply to this how I said I'm stating my opinion.
I see that, of course. But that could mean a lot of things.
I hope there's nothing bad between us now.
I don't think there is.... 0-o
Okay good ^^
I'm sorry about that
oh and don't worry there wasn't a bomb threat at my school or anything...
Uh oh! Is everyone ok? There was a guy that ran on our premises and we had to go into lock down for an hour
Yeah, I think everything is fine... 0-o I hope...
Well keep me posted ^^
This is REALLY good. I love <3 your use of metaphors! And it's so freaking true! School crushes aren't meant to be and never work out!
Thank you ^^
Loved the style and placement in your lines. It is a good freestyle with artistic emphasis (which can be really hard to do on a computer). I really did love this- keep it up!
Thanks!
I can't give this a good review unfortunately, but I see Noelle got ya so that's good.
So I'll settle for this:
Although this had no real rhythm or flow, that's what I liked most about it. I could immediately tell you wrote this " after being in a fit of rage." There was raw emotion and accurate descriptions in the poem, and yet I liked the format, the craziness of the not-patterns, the quotes and put-downs and building anger. I felt like the last word wrapped up your emotions perfectly:
BANG. Building, building, building rage, welling inside of you and expressed to the fullest possible extent in words, and then BANG. It's not over, but everything blew up because you're simply too frustrated to tear words into the paper anymore.
I agree with a lot of the nitpicks Noelle and Zontafer brought up, which is why this is going to be short. Honestly, there was so much emotion and great imagery in this that I'm enraged right now. I'm thinking of all the times I got this mad, where I just wanted to hit objects and BREAK them.
Thickening a poem with your own emotion is one thing. Making the reader feel it is another. Congratulations, you have done both. As TakeThatYouFiend so perfectly responded: *claps.*
Excellent job, and keep writing. I am truly in awe.
Overall rating: 9.5/10
+1
Thanks! I appreciate the review ^^
Of course; thanks for writing it! ;D
Hi there!
Here's a quick flyby of your poem (basically where I share my understanding of what's going on): the speaker is talking about everything that goes wrong when a girl has a crush.
I'm feeling quite nitpicky today, so I have lot of nitpicks for you. Enjoy :3
sorry not sorryI have still yet to decide what I think this line is referring to. When I first read through the poem, I thought "Of course she knows why she's broken. She had a crush who crushed her". But now that I really look at it, I'm not sure if that's it. There isn't anything else either that would support the idea that she's broken. The poem is about us, the readers, not about the speaker. So I'm trying to figure out what the speaker is referring to here. Basically I pointed it out so I could ramble on about how I don't understand why she's broken in the first place. Ooooh, maybe that's the effect of the line! :O She doesn't know why she's broken and neither do we, so we feel the same confusion and agitation as she does! ... I'm not looking too into this, am I? xD
Why is 'breaks' indented here? Is it supposed to put emphasis on the fact that everything breaks? That the line is somehow broken? I feel like there could've been more done here. Maybe break up the word itself? Or just leave the word 'broken' on its own line because then the "sentence" would be broken.
The word 'too' here makes it sound passive, which doesn't fit with the speakers tone (I'll talk about that a bit later). It's out of reach. If it's too out of reach, it sounds like the speaker got oh so close and then just couldn't reach it. But they could if they tried. I don't think that's what you meant by this line.
The all caps her isn't needed. Do you know why? Because the emphasis is already there. You've been building up to this moment over the last three lines. "Envy is not... and uncontrollable slashes... the swelling of... and it's not... real." See how things just build up and up and up and up until you reach that line "and it's not"? Then the single word line: "real." caps it all off. The all caps kind of kills the flow, kills the ending of the section.
I always like it when people do this in poems. I think it looks so cool! That's all I wanted to say about that ^_^
Why is there asterisks around this word? I'm genuinely curious. Obviously it's there to create emphasis or it wouldn't be there.
I don't usually comment on punctuation in poems because the writer used it the way they thought it would sound best and I don't like saying otherwise. However, (you just knew that was coming, right?
Like promised, I'm going to talk about the speaker's tone. From what I understand, the speaker's tone is bitter. She's bitter about crushes. She's bitter that she never got the boy that she was crushing on. She sees all these other girls getting the guys, and she realizes she never will. She's bitter. You do a great job keeping that consistent throughout the poem. It's easy to get caught up in the story of the poem and the words that you're writing that you forget about the speaker. That's not the case here, though. She's bitter from beginning to end. Nicely done.
There are some good images in this poem as well. Mainly the image of something being 'broken'. What I think is cool about poetry is that you can have a thousand images in a poem and not even have to paint a picture once. Basically what that means is certain words have a connotation to them. *pulls out poetry notes to make sure that she gets this right* :3 The connotation of the word 'broken' creates so many different images. There's the image of a literal breakage (which would actually be the word's denotation...), the image of a life broken, completely ruined, the image of a piece of something, anything, anyone, not working right. Since you have this word right at the beginning, it really gives us some imagery right off the bat.
You continue to use great imagery throughout, imagery that goes way beyond the connotation of words. Here's my favorite piece of imagery:
Gah, just so beautiful!
This poem is such an internal poem. Even though the speaker is talking to us, it's about an internal feeling; this feeling of brokenness and helplessness. Usually those kind of poems are hard to relate to because of either the subject matter or the lack of spacial setting. In this poem here however, there is a spacial setting. And it helps us understand what exactly is going on around the story of the poem. I see a temporal setting in here as well which is always an added plus. The speaker is in middle school (temporal) and they're most likely at school (spacial). This element makes the poem feel more real, more involved in the world around it.
Overall I really like this poem. It's a topic that everyone can relate to, even the guys out there. (I don't know why I'm thinking this poem is focused on just the girls... ><) There's definitely a story buried in this poem, but you did a good job not letting it come through and take control of the poem. Your images are wonderful and really give the poem that something extra.
I just love your poems, Writer! Keep coming up with awesome ones
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Noelle!! *hugs*
I wrote this after being in a fit of rage. So I guess I didn't exactly read over what I was writing. I'll definitely fix the commas and punctuation and work on the "why broken" line.
Noelle you sound like a poetic genius with all of the notes and shtuff <3
Thank you ^^
"a fit of rage"
I need to hear this. O_o
>.>
Crushes always fail.
I think it makes sense.
Thank you <3
That was beautiful. I personally haven't been in love before, being trapped on Belladonia for 99 years and not getting to see anyone but my grovelling subjects. That was a very nice poem, Writer. Keep writing things!!!!!!!!
Thank you!
Sunshine here to review as requested!
this poem is very relatable to pretty much everyone.
So writer, let me say that I really like this poem. I see you had some fun with the formatting there
If you have never had your heart broken by your crush you are not normal or have never been a teenager.Now on to the nitpicks/comments:The formatting although very cool looking is a tad bit confusing. But it gives the poem a really interesting flow. It works very well with what you are trying to say.
You are missing commas and periods!!! I know that you were probably concentrating so hard on the formatting that you forgot about simple poetry rules.
Shame on you!
I'm not sure if you want to add a comma or period after that.
that was far too much coding for one workthat's all I really see for nitpicks.This was a really cool poem writer! Keep on writing!
~Sunshine1113
Thank you so much! I'm sorry you had to code a lot >.<
The format was like this in my journal (which was obviously easier to write) so I had trouble transferring that to computer, so I definitely see where I messed up. Thank you for taking the time to write this!
You have a journal where you write poetry, too? *does happy dance*
*claps*
Hey Writer.
Yes, I am reviewing a poem, okay?
Nitpicks
Add far.
'life full of *surprises*'
I really liked this paragraph cause... I liked it, plus it's the truth (speaking of experience, ahem). :p I'm gonna take a guess and say it's about what you spoke about earlier?
Everything else
Trying to interpret this, I think it means that you should be careful about betting everything on a thing or a wish when it's a high risk of 'failing'? I dunno, but that's how it sounded to me. The 'BANG' was a nice ending, as 'bangs' usually end stuff, haha.
(After asking in the chatroom) I can see that the imagery in this poem is actually great ^^
I don't know how you do it, it is just there. Especially the 8th and 9th stanza, they're very 'effective' when it comes to imagery, and probably your best stanzas in this poem, along with some of the first ones. ^^
One of the hardest things in this review, is finding something that's not positive (not negative). And I'd say it was your second last stanza you could have done something more with in this poem (even though I liked the imagery in it). You already mentioned envy earlier, so perhaps you could have used another thing/word in this one? I'm also not certain if the 'and's' are necessary, but you're the author!
I don't know what else to say, except for one word: Nice!
- Zontafer
Imma kill you ^^
Aww zont! *hugs* thank you so much for this review. This was very well done! And you say you can't review poetry.
Your interpretations were correct too. Danke
Someone tells me you might be exaggerating a little bit, but you're welcome. ^^
Something*
someone XD
no I tell the truth
This is very good poem that i think a lot of people could relate to. It is a bit depressing, but i guess that is the point. Anyone reading this will enjoy it. Hope to see more good poetry from you.
nice