Saturday, 11:00, route 40 westbound
Mr. Talisman is more wintry than yesterday’s cold and snow and angrier than the spring gales that crash over the sagebrush-covered hills. As he storms onto the bus, he stomps his feet so hard that the snow stuck to the bottom of his shoes flees in a tiny cloud.
“Good morning,” Rick says, though he isn’t sure why. Mr. Talisman neither replies nor acknowledges the greeting, instead choosing to clomp down the center aisle and growl at nothing.
Near the bus’s center sits Mr. Pyus, hands folded with almost ladylike delicacy in his lap. He offers a saintly smile at Mr. Talisman and tilts his head to one side. “Good morning, Mr. Talisman. How is the One God treating you this fine day?”
“You and your stupid cult religion. Your cryptics got me into this mess, you know.”
“What mess?”
The bus jolts into motion, and Mr. Talisman stumbles, flailing his arms for a handhold and cursing. When he regains balance, he is red as a tomato and still angrier than before.
“Are you implying that riding the public bus is a mess?” Mr. Pyus asks. “If you are, I should remind you that the One God believes in acts of kindness, not acts of destruction. The driver is right over there.”
Mr. Talisman rattles a fist and snarls. “My arthritis shouldn’t be a good enough reason for the government to steal my driver’s license. I committed no acts of destruction; I’ve been violated!”
Chuckling, Mr. Pyus pats the seat cushion next to him and hugs a canvas bag full of books closer to his side. “I stopped driving years ago,” he says. “The One God told me through the gift of pain that I must stop bringing harm to the environment. I can no longer steer sharply enough to be a safe driver, and I believe the One God is showing you the same message.”
“Shut up, you idiot,” Mr. Talisman spits. “You claim the One God shows you everything, but when the he told you that the nature of my estate would become permanent, it turned out completely wrong. There’s nothing permanent about it anymore, and since I lost the ingredients for the elixir, the estate never will be unchanging or harmonious, as you put it.”
“The One God does not often mean what his non-believers want to hear. Or have you forgotten the outcomes of my former predictions?”
Mr. Talisman lashes out with his free hand and freezes a split second later, his index finger millimeters from Mr. Pyus’s half-closed eyes. “Your predictions are like horoscopes. They’re vague enough to apply to any situation, and they come true because people believe they will. But after this, no one will ever listen to you again.”
“Perhaps you ought to sit down,” Mr. Pyus says.
A moment later, the bus rattles across a bump on the highway entrance, and Mr. Talisman loses his grip on the handrail. His skin squeaks on the painted metal, and he flies towards the back of the bus like a bird with clipped wings, landing in a heap of woolen overcoat and creaky joints. In a flutter of fabric, he flings himself back up, spluttering and coughing out bits of lint.
“Gah!” Mr. Talisman shouts. “I don’t care what kind of prophet you think you are, you’re not one of the powerful folk and you never will be. Nothing you say matters.”
“Powerful folk? The only power we have comes from the One God.”
Mr. Talisman scowls deeper and pulls himself into a seat. His breaths are labored, but he still summons enough air to bellow across the bus. “There is no One God! This world is chaos; we have a Renaissance Frenchman living on a street that brings luck, and apparitions haunting the town, apparitions that my family kept locked away for almost a century. I should have stuck with my original plan instead of listening to your parenting advice.”
“Marcy’s death was not your fault.”
“And yet, if I had convinced her to carry on the family legacy and not let her "make her own mistakes," she would still be here. I’m not a fool; I know whose actions started the serial hit-and-run incidents.”
At the front of the bus, Rick jerks his foot off the pedal. He recovers before the bus slows too much, but his focus wavers from the road and onto more dangerous subjects. A plan for telling Mellie and Mr. Stevenson about what strange things he just overheard sprouts in his mind, but he shakes it away. He has no proof, and neither Mr. Talisman or Mr. Pyus has directly confessed to anything.
Grimacing, Rick reaches for the volume dial on his driver’s seat speakers and turns up the radio so he hears only the world outside and the familiar riffs of the week’s top forty pop charts. He doesn’t need any more dealings with powerful folk.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Let me just say that I love Mr. Pyus so much. What, I've already said it?
I'm not so sure on the use of 'wintry' for his mood, as I commonly associate that with an unsociable coolness. He yells at Pyus pretty soon after that, and conveys a lot of (fiery) emotion in his actions, so perhaps a comparisons to a blizzard would work better....
Notes
You never really say what position Talisman ends up in. I thought that he was sitting until it said that he stumbled.
For Talisman to be sent back so far, I'd say that the bus is more inclined to lurch than to rattle. My friend confirms this.
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Thoughts/Impressions
1. ..............
2. Frenchman? Aw yass
3. I really enjoyed the banter between the two men here, especially with their contrasting personalities. Crossing my fingers for more of them in the future.
Mr. Pyus seems both loved and hated. I know Hunter hates the guy, but everyone else finds him amusing.
As for the Frenchman, I am planning a sequel, and he's in it, so you have something to look forward to.
Thanks as always! I keep telling myself I'll get to reviewing, but wow, spring is the inundation of band-stuff, and I never seem to find a good weekend to sit down and think (plus I've been stuck on figuring out something helpful to say on Ch. 23, so...)
But I digress. Catch you later!
Eccentric characters are best characters.
Hey. I'm here to attempt to give this a slightly adequate review.
Firstly, big high five to you because we're fellow LMS warriors and I know I can't quite believe I'm still going on this.
Further high fives to you because this is an excellent chapter. I haven't read anything else of it, really, but I really like what I see here, and I can't find much to critique. I shall attempt to anyway.
The first thing I noticed that I thought I could comment on is that this is either omniscient third person, or you're not really focusing enough on your third person limited character. I'm pretty sure it's omniscient, though, and I think you're doing a pretty good job.
Something I also noticed is that Pyus' dialogue sometimes seems a bit too stilted or rehearsed, kind of more formal than it should be. I'm not sure if this is just a character quirk, but it did read a bit strangely, especially the "Or have you forgotten the outcomes of my former predictions" line.
Found a small nitpick:
Missing the word "reason."
Overall, though at times I thought their dialogue was a bit overstated, I enjoyed the conflict between the two characters - it was very well done and felt logical. I also liked the end and how it related what we're hearing back to Rick.
And that's all I've got! I wish you the best of luck with this.
Ack! I will fix that little mistake right away. Thanks for catching it!
As soon as I find the time, I shall review you in return. Us LMSers should stick together.
Thanks again for the feedback.
Hey! It's been a while since I read this, so here I am, popping out of nowhere! xD
Love the comparison, but 'more angry' instead of 'angrier' ruins it a bit. xD
This is an awkward transitioning. Rick says 'good morning', and at the same time wondering why Mr. Talisman doesn't reply to it? If you put in '... Rick says, but after few seconds of silence, he couldn't figure out...' then we know Mr. Talisman doesn't reply to that and Rick wonders why.
Loool... I like this minor detail of what's happening (and could happen) in the bus, and the way you implement it to make it doesn't look out of a sudden and is actually related to the current conversation--albeit a conversation that isn't going to be good. O.o
I need to read back to find out who's Marcy. Seems like an important character.
But yeah, I don't have much to say to this short chapter. It's character-driven, and I pretty much enjoy the exchange Pyus and Talisman have with each other. I like the contrast of their characters, and how neither one of them backs off from each one's argument. I have to side with Talisman. His actions and feelings are genuine, while Pyus seems like the sly one--I bet he's the more dangerous one here. Talisman's indirect accusation looks like supporting my suspicion. Anyway, I think I would give this a closer read to figure out what's happened, because the current matter is too interesting to let passed. Good job for setting up the intense atmosphere with an intriguing subject at hand.
Keep up the good job!
Thanks for the review! I will fix the "angrier" thing. Sometimes I forget which words have an -er form and which ones don't.