Imagination (Is All I Want From You)
We fear the unknown. It’s what makes the dark scary.
Little irrational thoughts creep in, growing into monsters and ghouls, out to get us. Anything seems possible. We forget it isn’t.
I knew, surely as the sun sets in the west, that Aiden was coming for me, but not when. The real torture was thinking of all the ways that meeting could go, each more bloodcurdling than the last.
I definitely wouldn’t sleep well tonight.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” asked Sara. “You look like you have a lot on your mind.”
“I’m pretty sure exhaustion has won over”, I said, hesitating at the foot of the stairs. I could hear the uneasiness in my voice.
Sara shot a look at me to show she hadn’t missed it, but didn’t press the issue. “After you…”
The guest room hadn’t really been updated. The plum purple decor remained, adding to the novel feeling of oldness.
‘I remember this’, said Mercy. ‘It was really your room. You loved coming to visit.’
It felt good to see that what I knew from before hadn’t moved on without me. I was left feeling calmed and with a sense of belonging.
‘I finally have a place’, I thought as I lay my head on the pillow.
The moment I woke, I recognised my position. I wanted to vomit, but my mouth and throat felt so dry that the best I could do was simply heaving.
The whirring noise in the background closed in, ringing in my ears. Fingers played with my hair. The sensation was somehow rubbery, not skin like at all.
“You’re back with us – good.”
‘Not good’, corrected Mercy.
Back with him… Aiden? It was his voice. I willed myself not to give in, not to open my eyes.
His hands moved to my face. It was a gentle touch, but uncalled for.
“Don’t”, I moaned, automatically blinking as I shook my head.
I spotted the reason his hands felt rubbery – surgical gloves. He usually wore those before – before…
“There we are. I feel more comfortable talking now you’re actually looking at me.”
“I’m glad you’re comfortable”, I replied with an eye roll, straining against the straps holding me prisoner.
“Do you know where you are?”
I looked at the machine to my left, then back at Doc with an are-you-serious glare. He took this as his cue to continue.
“You were found in the Personal Effects room, unconscious. Do you remember being there?”
I nodded, my head heavy. “Where are you going with this?”
“Oh, poppet, you’re blanched”, Doc cooed, deliberately leaving my question unanswered.
‘Somebody fetch a bucket’, said Mercy, adding theatrical sick noises to round it off.
“Come on, out with it”, I maintained.
“You fell into a coma of sorts – a psychotic episode. You’ve been out of it for a couple of days. Evidently, the shock worked.”
“But…” I faltered.
“Nothing is in sync with reality while you’re out. Nothing!” he cut in. “It’s all just what you want to see. Whatever delusion you were hiding in, whoever you met there, you were here the whole time.”
It appeared that he was bent on cutting clean through my hopes as well. Not this time.
“No! It’s not true!” I cried.
My body began to tremble of its own accord as I yelled more protests of denial. That is, until Doc held out the electrodes in his gloved hands, at which point I froze and went rigid.
“If I’m dreaming, I want to wake up now”, I muttered as he approached, my breathing ragged.
“This is real alright, Watts, whatever you tell yourself.” He put the electrodes to my head and – well – you get the picture.
My pitiful screams tore through the air like freshly fired projectiles. They seemed to crash and burn appropriately instead of fading. Five excruciating minutes later, it was over at last.
My head felt like something was missing from it (aside from a few thousand brain cells). I quickly realised my Mercy-ish joke.
‘Mercy? Where are you?’ I asked. ‘This isn’t funny.’
No reply came.
“Son of a bitch!” I roared at Doc. “What have you done?”
If only he understood.... My mind seemed incomplete and almost empty without Mercy sharing it. For the first time in a long time, I was truly alone.
This was supposedly normality, and I didn’t like it.
Not expecting an answer, I moved on. “You don’t own me. When did you decide you could play whatever stupid head games you like?” I spat at his feet, clear spittle laced with vermillion blood from the bite wound in my tongue.
“What pains you more? Knowing that I play those mind games, or that you let me… because it could be worse?” he responded remorselessly. “We may be enemies, but I know you better than any friend. If you don’t like it, then don’t ask me to be honest.”
He smirked. “Besides, you’re here, aren’t you?”
I felt helpless and weak; I was exactly where he wanted and sinking fast.
“Enough!” I bawled. I began to shake again, this time more violently.
“Lay-la”, called a voice at the back of my mind. It was the last thing I heard before passing out…
“Layla? Wake up!” said Sara urgently, shaking my shoulder.
The light and the sunburst of colour from the walls hit my eyes at once. Once my eyes were adjusted, it was pleasant to behold. However much better than the asylum dreamscape this was, it still wasn’t long before I was sobbing into Sara’s shoulder for the second time.
“Ssh, it’s okay, I’m here”, said Sara, stroking my hair. This touch was warm and well meant, not like the doctor’s in the nightmare. “You said the dreams were bad sometimes, but I had no idea…”
‘I’m here too. That was some bad dream, huh?’ said Mercy, not wanting to be left out.
“It was the worst yet”, I replied.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,808 Reviews
Oh, my. That really was completely terrifying.
Seriously, nice job manipulating the reader. Making them hate Mercy at the start, then gradually grow to like her as the situation worsened, and then presenting the possibility of her being stripped away was a masterful structure.
The style here does a good job of making the reader feel Layla's sensations during her dream. And her constant fears acting up certainly are compelling - the monologue at the beginning of the chapter especially. While I'm kind of sad you didn't mention the irony of Watts being shocked, I suppose it's still appropriately dark for a worst-case scenario.
You also perfectly characterize Layla through her thoughts and behaviors; mostly the latter. The fact that she had the nightmare symbolizes her attachment to Mercy, something which marks a huge development as a character. Seeing her like this makes me want to clap for you, for so masterfully pulling it off. Of course, it'll be even more satisfying, then, to see her gain strength as the story progresses. That really involves the reader in her character, something that many authors try to do. As for Aiden, he's even worse in the dream, and it's fitting to see him looming over Layla's mind, to symbolize the sheer trauma he put her through.
Overall, this marks a huge development for Layla. Developed through an amazing style with compelling character performances, I'd say that this is your best chapter yet. Needless to say, an excellent read. Cheers!
Wait a minute. I got to the beginning of this and then I thought of what Sara said. The title is Imaginary Friends. So does that mean Doc, couldn't be? I mean then again I don't know if that really makes since but it kind of does to me, in a weird way.
DAMMIDD WHAT'S REAL??
Chapter 9...
Careful of your paragraph breaks where the same person is speaking. Keep them together.Again - i like the mini prologue introducing your chapter. It’s really interesting and not something that you see very often. I really think you should think about using this every time.
Even though Layla is terrified of the Doc - she is a little sassy when speaking to him. Be careful not to confuse your readers. You could always put in an explanation about her using this sass as a defense mechanism. She doesn’t want him to know just how much terror he instills in her.
THAT’S WHY she hasn’t tried to escape before! Haha all my questions are answered. She hasn’t really gone anywhere. Clever, very clever.
OOHHH SO she did get out! Ha you’re taking me on a wild rollercoaster here. It’s good that I believed it though!
Olive <3
Hi there!
I totally missed all of Review Day :/ but I'm here now to catch up on my reviews! Let's get to it.
Did I miss something? Who's Aiden? I feel like I missed something. Ohhh, he's Doc. Did we know that was his name before? *shakes head* I think I just haven't read this for a while so I forget.
I really like the dream! It's totally believable that Layla would be having nightmares about Doc and that asylum. She just broke out and I'm sure she's terrified that she'll be found and taken back again. The nightmare brings forward everything we know that she's worrying about. It's another way for you to show us that without coming right out and telling us she's scared about it. I really like when writers find a way to do that.
Alright, I have a suggestion. You totally don't have to use it, but at least think about it? Or don't, because that's okay too
So this dream she has. Doc is trying to convince Layla that whatever happened with Sara was all just made up in her mind, that she was in a coma and her mind was making up things. I almost believed it myself. Almost. What tipped me off was the fact that I knew it was a dream. It kind of lost its intensity at that point. So my suggestion is, write the dream as if it wasn't a dream. You can make a chapter break so it'll look like time has past and we'll all think that it's happening for real. It'll get a much bigger reaction out of us when Doc tells her about the coma and when he shocks Mercy right out of her head. Then Sara can wake her up and say it was all just a dream. That'll make us relax and everything will go back to normal. Again, that's just a suggestion so feel free to ignore it
There really isn't anything else I have to say about this chapter. We get another look at Doc, even though he isn't really there. We get to see Doc through Layla's eyes and fears and sometimes that's the best way. He's the biggest villain through your MC's eyes. The only way we know that he's a villain is through her. We might come to like him if Layla doesn't constantly remind us that he's evil. Okay, maybe we would still hate him, but you get my point. It's important to see how she feels about him as much as we get to decide how we feel about him.
I'll check out the next chapters soon!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hello! I'm planning on staying up to see a lunar eclipse, so I thought I'd write you a review. Just thought you'd like to know.
I think all the nitpicky things have been addressed, so I think I'll just generally ramble about what I thought.
Great characterisation in Doc Aiden. He made me feel icky and uneasy, and I pretty much detested him even more than I already did. Prior to that he was a creep, and menacing, but he really did feel like the kind of thing you'd see in a nightmare. Definitely wanting to call him rude names, as you just said.
I like that you've given some psychological repurcussions to Layla. Considering what she's been through, it's good, and important to the general believability (is that a word?) of the story. Just curious, is this a flashback-y dream, or was it something that Layla's brain conjured up? Not that it matters, really. If you keep sprinkling a few nightmares and stuff through the story (you don't even have to go into detail, you could just have Layla waking up from a nightmare, or something), it'll help in creating character, as it'll be another thing for her to face.
Might have liked some more atmosphere in the dream. Doc was uber creepy, but I think some more description of Layla's fear could have added some tension. I would have liked the moment where she realises Mercy is gone to have lasted a little longer, and be more wrenching.
There's a lot of flashback and such italicised parts of this story. You handle it well, but I just thought I'd bring it up. Because I'm reading it in a somewhat disjointed fashion (I will do a readthrough from the start so I can gauge the overall flow as promised at some point) this doesn't really stand out, but I'm thinking it would maybe be an issue if someone were to pick it up and read it in one shot. That would be something to look at in later drafts, though.
This might be something you do in the next chapter, but I'd like to get to know Sara a bit better. You want the reader to feel trust towards her, and whilst I can see that she's a very caring character, I just want to feel that trust towards her. To get that feeling, I think we just need to see her interacting with Layla a little more.
That's all that springs to mind right now. As always, any questions, let me know, and looking forward to the next chapter!
Surprise!
Next chapter is Mercy again.
Next chapter is Mercy again.
Sorry, I had very little time then. I'm glad you reviewed again, thanks! Nitpicks taken.
Double post again!
The nightmare is what Layla thought up; she fears this may have happened deep down.
I am working on Sara too. More of her in Ch 10, but from Mercy's perspective. I know we don't trust her completely yet.
Ch 10 picks up where this left off.
Still naming the chapters after songs. Ch 10 is 'Tears Dry On Their Own'. You'll probably recognise it, like you did with the P!nk song.
Hi Bella!
Happy review day!
I don't think there is much for me to say in this review! This is actually the best chapter yet and all you said it would be in chat as it came. We got to see Doc and even though this was simply a dream and didn't happen, I feel like we are getting to know the characters a whole lot more. For some reason Doc likes this game because he knows how to hurt Layla most, and Layal detests it with all her being. But the biggest fear was knowing that Mercy wasn't there for her anymore. Which was definitely something. She worries about this escape all being fabricated in her mind as well. I have to say, that was a brilliant introduction to the story mentioning the dark and how it can be so threatening because we don't know what is in it. It set the perfect mood for the rest of the chapter.
Hm, this felt a bit silly to see her saying this. Because of course she has a lot on her mind! She's looked for by the police and Doc after breaking out of a asylum, so of course she is going to be afraid of getting caught. Of course she is going to be suffering from her traumatic experience she had there. Asking if she has a lot on her mind seems like an understatement after all that has been going on for her. And Sara seems like a smart woman - she must be, she's doing law - so it seems strange to have her asking such a feeble question.
I would remove the 'and' in that sentence.
Mercy is a character I am not sure how I feel about. She's only speaking up here so she isn't left out, which makes her seem a smidge bit self absorbed to be thinking about herself and not her friend. And although she is always with Layla (I think she kind of has to be) and excepting the fact that she helped Layla escape... apart from those two things, she doesn't really seem like a nice person. I haven't got the feeling that she does much for Layla yet at all, except crack some jokes on the side. I would expect her to be taking over Layla's body when Doc gets ready to inflict the torture so that she doesn't have to experience and suffer it all herself.
I think it might also be nicer if she shows some emotions at Layla's dreams. I am assuming that Sara doesn't know what happens in them because she's just human, but Mercy should be able to see them and experience them alongside Layla? Because of this I would expect a bit more empathy from her, a bit more leeway. She's the only one who knows what Layla feels like to every pinpoint of emotion, who has experienced all the same things. So make us feel like it!
Otherwise there isn't anything I can say. The bit about Mercy's character is general, but there were very few nitpicks here, and a great plot to the storyline. I have to say, brilliant and best chapter yet
Deanie x
Mercy's reaction is next chapter. It's her POV again.
I have to admit, Layla is the selfless one.
Thanks for reviewing. The notification didn't come through.
Mercy's reaction is next chapter. It's her POV again.
I have to admit, Layla is the selfless one.
Thanks for reviewing. The notification didn't come through.
Timmy here!
Wow, I think this chapter was very appropriate, and that it gave me more of an insight on what kind of a person this doctor is - and how he affected and affects her. Like you told/asked me in chat, and below, I will tell you how you did with the doctor. I think you did fabulous. There are some places that I think you could have done a little creepier on his part (although the part where he said he knew her better than any friend? - Absolute perfection, hands down.), but as a whole, I think you instilled a picture in our minds of his character that was so chilling, so freaky, I am glad I was not there with her. Or perhaps I wish I was... Then I could go and beat the doctor upside the head for doing that to Layla.
Little punctuation error, there.
This is telling - and doing it vaguely, at best. I think you should show us her expression more there. So perhaps have her face screw up into a big frown - or maybe just a shake of the head. Something visible. I mean, she was already looking at her, right? So how does continuing to look at her show she hadn't missed it? Just a teensy thing I think you could tweak.
Punctuation error at the end. I know you know how to do it properly, so I won't give you a reference to look at - but just keep this in mind when you read your piece over before submitting it. These quotation mark/comma errors can be tricky to spot.
I think the nothing could have benefited from it's own sentence. Kind of gives it its own boom! affect.
I think a pair of commas would have worked better there than the dashes, but its up to you in the end.
I sort of understood this, but only after reading it several times. I think if you played with the wording, you could help it make more sense - and also make it so that there is a little more panic in her voice. This almost made it seem like she was hoping for a joke, or something humorous.
I think delete the sliced word?
Comma after here
So this next part is probably going to not make you very happy with me, since I know it's a delicate subject with you - and one we have talked about before, but I didn't touch on it much - but Mercy talking. Yes, I am going to comment on it again. The only reason I know that it's a special form of talking and that the quotation marks aren't just you messing up with your formatting is that you told me it was so. I mean, are you going to have an author's note in the beginning of your book when this is all finished (and it shall be, and I shall buy the first copy) telling your readers why the quotation marks are different for her parts - and why they are? No, you won't. You need something that is more boom! - in your face - and leaves no doubt to the reader that Mercy has a different way of talking, and that there is no sound involved, or it is at least different from everyone elses way of talking. Because otherwise, people aren't going to know why you did that and it will discredit your amazing writing. So I think you need to experiment with that, and find some other way of doing her talking. I know that sounded harsh, and I'm sorry. I just truly think you need to find an alternative to what you have going on here - and before you finish the book - because I don't want it to take any other potential readers out of the story as it did for me initially, or for them to just not notice them at all and think she talks the same. Because, really, having the different quotation marks isn't a big enough deal for everyone to see it and say: "Oh, she talks different!" It is just something that people may notice as they get farther into the book as say: "Das weird" - but not really make the connection as to why.
So yeah. That was long, and probably harsh and mean - but I hope you don't find it that way. Every word I tell you is just in-between my oooh's of admiration for your writing.
Sarah seems like a truly nice person, and a lovely aunt to have around. I hope we see more of her in the future, and I hope she sticks around to help Layla and Mercy out with the problems in their lives. But for now, she seems like she is helping tremendously with their issues they have right now. I wonder when she is going to really spill the beans and tell her aunt everything that happened, and I wonder if her aunt will be able to do anything about it. From what the previous chapter told me, I think she may be able to!
See ya next chapter! Be a little quicker about it, for gosh sake. I want mooooore of this story!
~Darth Timmyjake
I just reread this.
God, I was really out to make people hate Dr Aiden. XD
"Oh poppet..." did it for me. I totally agree with your quote choice too.
I wanted to go back to the machine and this is what I came up with. Also, I kind of felt how far Aiden has wormed into Layla's head. Does it creep you guys out as much as it does me?
The ending may contain a few loose ends, but I'm pursuing those in Part 10 (double digits!). I think that all that's left to mention is that I'm bringing in Mercy's perspective next chapter (it's about time, I suppose).