Confessions
'Is this it? Have we got the right house?’ asked Mercy excitedly.
‘Looks just how I remember…’ I said quietly, as I looked up at it. That had to be a good sign – right?
Still, all was far from well. I glanced around, the way a hunted animal does when something stirs behind it. Doc would make it his personal mission to track me down, whatever the cost.
Instinctively, I pulled my jacket tighter around me, but still the chill wind bit deep. Screwing up my courage, I made my way up the garden path, which I hadn’t trodden since I was about six.
I knocked on the door, not sure whether to be excited or nervous. This was it; I would finally find out if I’d come here for nothing.
Sara answered the door, almost tripping over the doorstep in surprise when she saw my face. “Layla… my god, is that you?”
I nodded. “Hello. Please may I come in? I – I’m in trouble.”
The initial answer was a dumbfounded look from across the doorway. Recovering, Sara was able to form a response in the affirmative and I entered, savouring the welcome.
“You’ve changed so much”, she remarked. She had no idea.
“You haven’t”, I replied as she showed me to the living room.
“What kind of trouble are you in?” she asked cautiously. “You never called, never even wrote to me. Just disappeared. Where were you for the last ten years – prison?” She sounded frank, decisive and impatient. Sara wanted the truth.
‘Ha! That line is a keeper’, Mercy snickered.
It was near midnight by now, but Sara looked as bright and awake as the lights outside, intrigued by the countless possible explanations. There was no doubt in my mind that I owed her one.
“You want to know where I’ve been – that’s a long story…” I began, taking a seat. As I shuffled closer, I inhaled the scent of coffee and luminol that my aunt wore about her like perfume.
“You can’t very well expect me not to ask!” exclaimed Sara.
I became lost in a flood of memories as I plunged into the story I thought I’d never tell. Opening my eyes again, I was taken back to that night after Mercy staged her walkout protest...
Emptiness had a chokehold on the bereft room. I felt trapped by plain white walls and the noxious odour of citrus disinfectant, inside a vacuum lacking any warmth or emotion whatsoever.
The only strong feeling that came, after the wave of fear had broken, was that of one who is being watched. Although unsettled, I had however, come to realise that I was shielded by the apathy of the omnipresent observers. I was little more than one of several being surveyed simultaneously.
The soft click of the key embodying my constraints and helplessness turning in the lock was tantalising, though I mistrusted the motives of the intrusion.
How had I missed the footsteps?
“Layla sweetheart, you okay?” asked Sara concernedly as she gently brushed a strand of hair out of my face.
In the worry lines and furrows carved on her face, I saw how years in law enforcement had jaded her, just the same as that wretched institution had me.
Her gaze guided mine to my exposed wrists, both encircled by bruises in tones of purple and red, polluting my pale skin. These triggered yet more recollections, this time of unyielding leather restraints.
“Are those… ligature marks?” Sara looked horrified. I sensed that she didn’t need a response.
“Some of them look fresh, but I can tell it’s been going on for a long time.”
I had to admit, I was getting a slight guilty pleasure from her sympathy, because it made a change to be listened to.
“There are people who want to put me back in those chains, and I have no idea when they’ll catch up to me”, I said, hearing my voice waver.
Sara leaned back in her seat, unable to articulate anything more. I considered this a cue to continue.
Defiantly, I flung myself underneath the sweat dampened sheets. Even this solitude surely surpassed the nightmares that constantly haunted my sleep, only to be dismissed as delusions by maddeningly ignorant misinterpretations.
The clammy hand that was suddenly at my back was a stark reminder that I was living a real enough nightmare.
“Really, Miss Watts, sometimes I wonder if you ever sleep at all”, its owner criticised.
Wriggling out to face him, I snapped, “Gee, Doc, who said I wasn’t sleeping just fine!”
To my dismay, Doc regaled me with a lecture cum psychology lesson that I received, shall we say, less than graciously.
“What the hell did you think you were doing earlier?” he demanded, a dangerous growl in his throat.
I resisted the urge to say “What did it look like?”
Being constantly on my guard was exhausting both physically and emotionally; it was with this that I vowed I would not remain any longer in this cell that stood only on hollow lies.
I had to escape for my own sanity.
Ironic, I know.
Sara raised an eyebrow in response. “You ran away from Wacko Doctor – explains the lack of possessions on you. If what you say is true, then I don’t blame you.”
“D – do you think I’m crazy… that I made it up?” I whispered, collapsing into tears. I’d held out this long.
As Sara put her arm around me, I could recall previous times we had sat like this.
“The way you told it certainly sounded sincere, and I’ve never known you to be dishonest. I don’t believe you’re insane, no…”
“It’s late, I think it’d be best if we rested before we finish this”, Sara added. “The guest room is all yours.”
I couldn’t thank her enough for both offers. “Maybe I’ll sleep better”, I lied.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,808 Reviews
You know, it's nice to see good things happen, even if it's only good in comparison.
Well, you certainly know how to structure a novel! Not only did you introduce the first sympathetic character, but you've also seized an opportunity for a flashback! It's a breath of fresh air, that's for sure.
Now, stylistically, I'm going to start advising you to lay off the thoughts so much. I mean, they're great, but sometimes emotions can communicate that clearer. There was also a lack of environment detail that I noticed. While it's important to get inside the protagonist's head, it's just as important to get into their situation. Make the audience empathize. What's it like to be unfamiliar with the world?
Should she be feeling a bit more worried about getting caught? Aiden would torture her beyond her greatest fears, should he find her. If you can't include the emotion, at least include the possibility.
As for characters, as I've said, Sara's like a breath of fresh air. It's good to see how she cares for Layla, and the fact that we don't quite know her intentions only adds to the tension of Layla's escape. Mercy and Layla retain their respective personas, everything's consistent.
Overall, while the style is starting to become insufficient for the story, it's still holding up alongside the excellent characters and suspenseful plot. An excellent read, through and through. Cheers!
-Chaser
Onto chapter 8!
I find it a bit strange how Layla flits between calling the doctor by his first name and then back to Doc. I feel that the ‘Doc’ fits a bit better because she’s making it impersonal and not someone that she trusts. When she calls him by his first name it seems like he’s a lot more familiar to her. Do you know what I mean?
This sounds like she’s throwing her courage away. Maybe you could try, “Summoning up my courage..”
This is my favourite piece of your writing so far. It’s so good! Very impressed.
I agree with Noelle about the change of pace. The novel needed this chapter to calm things down a bit after a pretty tense previous chapter. It’s clever and you’ve done well not to make your transition scenes boring.
Next, Next, Next.
Olive <3
Hi there!
I have a confession (hehe, get it? 'Cause the title of this chapter is confessions? Ha ha ha. No? Okay.) ... I totally started this review a few days ago and I'm just now getting around to finishing it. #slacker
Just a small nitpick here.
God should be capitalized, even when used in this context.
These two paragraphs should be combined. Since it's really just Sara continuing her dialogue in the second paragraph it should be with the previous one. The way it's written now is a bit confusing. At first I thought it was Layla saying that line, but then I realized it's most likely Sara. The rule I follow (which could be wrong or right, who knows xD But it works for me) is that if you use one or two sentences of "description" (aka non-dialogue) between bits of dialogue, you keep it as one sentence. Three or more sentences however, you need to make a new paragraph. That way the reader still remembers that they're reading continuous dialogue, but they might forget with too many sentence between.
Here's another instance where you could've combined the two paragraphs because of the dialogue.
So I have to admit, I had to go back and reread part of chapter 7 to figure out who Sara is. I guess I just forgot about how Layla knows her. Now I'm left wondering, why doesn't she ever call her Aunt Sara? She just calls her Sara. I know that I always say 'aunt' and 'uncle' when talking to my family. It's just feels right. If I say it another way it seems wrong. This might not be something that Layla would do, but my suggestion is have her call her Aunt Sara a few times just to remind us that that's who Sara is.
Overall I think this is a great chapter. There isn't much else for me to say since I'm the last one to get here. Everyone else has pointed out anything I was going to say. The reason I think this chapter is great is because it changes the pace of the novel, which is much needed at this point. Layla, and Mercy :3, have just spent all this time in the mental hospital "fighting" against a crazy doctor and now they've escaped. We the readers have been in such an intense state for the longest time that we deserve a break. All that really happens in this chapter is that we get to know more about Sara. And that's great, really. She's a new character, one we haven't even heard of before chapter 7. We need to see who she is and how she and Layla are together.
Okay, I do have one more thing before I go. Does Sara live alone? Is there an Uncel Sara? What I mean by that is, is she married? I can understand if she isn't, of course, no one ever has to get married, but it would be a nice piece of information to know. Because if she is married, this might end up a bit different for Layla. Surely Sara's husband would feel a bit different about Layla coming to stay. If she just lives on her own though, this all works out perfectly.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Sara lives alone; she's the independent type.
I thought that Aunt Sara sounded rigid and over-formal. You'll see that they are very close later, so in my head it made sense for them to be a little more like friends.
You got it, the next parts are building Sara and her dynamic with Layla. Also, I told you Doc steals the show next chapter...
Thanks for reviewing! You're nearly caught up.
Hi there Bella!
I honestly have to say, I found this chapter was the best of them all so far. It was clear, it brought it's points across and it was very well written :3 As well as that, I loved the incorporation of the flashbacks as she recounts her ideal to Sara, which I think are really believable. We're soon going to see how the effects of living through a traumatic experience is going to affect her in her life. And I wonder where Sara is going to go next and how they are going to keep Doc and the police off her case.
Sure, Layla did disappear, but I found it a bit unrealistic that no one knew where she had gone. Surely her own parents had to know that was she was assigned, by law, to go to the asylum. And because they knew that, I don't see why Sara wouldn't ring the house to say 'oh I haven't heard from Layla in a while, how is she' and then find out from the parents where she is and why.
One thing I have always wondered is if her parents see her as guilty or innocent. Do they hate her for what she has supposedly done, which is murder someone at a very young age? Or do they not believe she has done it? I think that is something we should find out pretty soon because if we don't, then we might get a bit confused. She's in this situation now, but can she rely on her parents to be on her side? That's something we can only know once we know how they took the news before. Also, if they always believed Layla, then it means she would probably miss them all the more when she was locked away, helpless.
Hmm, if Sara is someone from the law enforcement, I might feel a bit nervous to ask her for help. Because, Layla has done something to break the law and this person works to make sure laws are upheld. So, maybe as she is recounting her story, amongst the flashbacks, show us how she is doubting whether this was all a good idea or not in the beginning.
I think the house needs a bit more description, at least from the inside. An environment that people live in can tell an awful lot about a person, and would give us a whole lot more insight to Sara's character. For example, you might not even need to tell us that she worked in the law enforcement. You could just say her shelves were stacked with mystery and law and order books. Is the place a mess or is it squeaky clean? Are there pictures of loved ones around, clean clothes or lots of games? Every detail reflects on the person.
I don't have anything much more to say! This review wasn't really picking on the chapter, but more show giving suggestions because this was so good. If every chapter is written like this, you're going to have an amazing novel! Keep it up
Deanie x
Thanks.
Weirdly enough, the thing about the parents, I'm coming back to in the chapter I'm writing. The next two are more about how Layla is coping. I liked writing Part 9.
I guess I left the conversation ambiguous on purpose, but I think Layla would be scared to mention the murder. It was an unfinished talk...
Hello! Here to catch up and rescue you from the green room!
I have to agree with timmyjake - this chapter was of a really impressive quality. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. I did notice a few things, though:
'Screwing up' kind of seems like not quite the right term. I get what you were saying by it, but I think you maybe meant 'scrounging up'?
I kind of feel like you need to emphasise her surprise at seeing Layla a little more. It's been, what, eight years (correct me if I've remembered wrong) since Sara has seen Layla, so I think you should really create a strong moment. Maybe Sara freezes in shock, allowing time for Layla to worry about if she'll recognise her. I probably sound like a broken record, but expand and extend.
Couple of things here. You don't need to start a new line for the second bit of dialogue, because it's still Sara who is speaking. Something else I noticed was the word 'ligature'. I saw that in your comment you said she was a forensics person, and you mention that's she has worked with the police in your chapter, but I think you could probably be more explicit about Sara's job - 'ligature' isn't a word people tend to use in ordinary conversation. Most of your audience won'thave heard the word before, and even though the context explains its meaning, it isn't neccesarily the wisest choice to chuck in a technical word without some kind of explanation. You don't need a definition, per se, but you could have Layla be confused by the word, and have Sara point to the marks on her wrists. You could even do it as simply as saying something like '''blah blah ligature marks,'' she said, her instincts from years of working in forensics kicking in'. Not the best example, but hopefully you get what I mean.
Personally, I don't know if 'Wacko Doctor' fits in with Sara's voice. She seems a little too... articulate to say something like that. Just my observation. The main reason I mention this is because the flashback, as well executed as it was in itself, didn't quite correlate with what Layla tells her aunt. You don't have to have Layla telling her story through dialogue, but you probably should have something like 'I told her about 'x', and 'y'.... Finally I told her about escaping.' Substitute x and y for whatever you reckon's importatant. You don't have to be limited to just two things, like I've done here. Instead, you can use it as a recap for the audience, and also to show some of Layla's emotions.
I like this chapter. I feel like it was a good time to meet a new character, and I'm interested to see what you'll do with Sara. She seems like a really interesting character so far.
I thought your pacing in this chapter was, in general, great. There were a couple of spots which could have done with more detail, but on the whole the chapter flowed quite well. Ping me for the next chapter, when it's out, because I'm thinking I might reread from the start so I can get a feel for how the novel as a whole is fitting together so far. I can either post my thoughts after doing that as part of my review for chapter 9 or as a PM, so let me know which you'd prefer.
Keep up the good work. This chapter definitely reinvigorated my intrigue as to how the story will pan out, and I'm really excited to see where you'll take it in chapter 9.
Yay! You got to it.
I have to say, I'm glad that this has come out well enough. I was worried that it wouldn't work. Don't know why...
Maybe you should put your thoughts in the review for Part 9. That's the sort of thing people put in reviews, isn't it?
Anyway, I'm pleased I'm keeping your interest. To possibly get you more intrigued by Part 9, I'm revisiting the shock therapy (it'll make sense when you read it).
By 'my thought' I meant what I thought of the novel as a whole so far. I just suggested putting it into a PM or something just cos it might mean you'll have an extra long review.
Okay, PM me if you think that's best. I get what you mean; it could take a while.
Like I say, I'm glad you're enjoying this. I'm enjoying writing it.
I'll see how may thoughts I have! XD
Timmy here!
Wow, I am really surprised by how her aunt acts towards her. Not in a bad way, but a good way, I assure you. It was really nice to see someone acting kindly towards Layla and Mercy, instead of trying to kill or wound them--not all wounds in a physical way. She seems nice, friendly, and just genuinely likeable. Very... kind.
One thing I would like to see more of is Mercy, especially in these conversations in-between Sarah and Layla. When she is talking, she is witty, extremely funny, and just an overall lightener of the mood. Besides, she is a main character, right? A very big character, I think. So I think in the following chapters you should put more of her in there. It just seems strange for her to be allowing Layla to do all the talking and not putting in her own two cents--something that I thought she would be doing both right away and all the time!
Okay, so I will get this technical stuff out of the way. Firstly, when you do quotation marks, it comes after the other punctuation--period, comma, etc... And another thing: Why did you do the quotation marks like English do in the beginning, and then switch over to the American as we went throughout? It seemed like a strange thing to do, especially because every other chapter was done in the European way of quotation marks--and the usage of colour and such. I think if one part is English, then the other parts should really be English, too--especially if you are English, because then you won't become confused.
A lot of people say that you should never begin a sentence with an adverb. I don't really know why, but I figured it was worth saying just because you should know... in case you ever go to publish this--which you should totally do because it's worth publishing. But in this case, I would simply move the adverb in the beginning to before the verb itself, so I defiantly flung myself underneath the sweaty
I didn't understand the "cum" you placed in there. I know its latin for "with" or at least I think it is, but I didn't see the connection between that word and the others. Maybe its a misspelling? Only you would know.
This seemed really nice and totally Layla, being the thanker of the two, but I didn't understand it because she really didn't go and thank her afterward. She just talked about sleeping--which I would totally understand in her position, but still. She says she couldn't thank her aunt enough, and then she doesn't thank her at all in any verbal form. Seems rather contradictory.
This chapter was really enjoyable; clearly your best so far. I really loved the new character, and her personality and everything is just wonderful. She almost seems like a mother to the two of them, and that is really cool. They have finally found a person they can trust and relate with, and she seems to have confided in her quite a bit already! Its nice having someone they can tell things to, because then the weight may not be so heavy and maybe they can relax a bit. They are usually very tense, especially in the previous chapter (part 2 of chapter 7) but in this one they seemed to calm down.
To tell you the truth, I am not sure her aunt needs descriptions! I mean, have you described Layla and Mercy yet? I dun remember any descriptions of anyone really, and that is perfectly fine. I still picture everyone just perfectly, and you have added a lot of subtle descriptions that add to her character. So you can describe her if you wish, because it will instill a more vivid picture of her, but if you don't want to, its perfectly fine because the reader will fashion their own image of people.
I really like this aunt of theirs. Sarah is really, really genuine and nice--and her connections seem to be very helpful for their situation.
Amazing job! Each one just gets better and better!
~Darth Timmyjake
Thanks. I love reading your reviews.
Don't worry about Mercy, I'm going to use her POV next.
Sorry, but I know what I'm doing with the quotes. It's the same as always. Sara talks to Layla aloud, so double quotes.
Next chapter I'm going back to the machine... Yes, that one you commented on. All I'll say is that it only works from Layla's POV.
Mercy has not been forgotten...
Something that many people do with mental conversations (this is about Mercy and Layla) is use italics for the silent speaker, instead of the quotation mark thingy, which quite honestly confused me rather than told me what was going on.
Just a suggestion. ^.^
Oooooh. the machine! I am all geared up now.
I've thought of something it can do. Might be another nail in Mercy's coffin (metaphor).
I'll post it on the club wall when it's done.
Hey!
I'm mainly just introducing Sara. Mercy's impressions of her are coming up soon...
For anyone who was wondering, luminol is meant to be a liquid used to test for blood (Sara works in forensics). I'm not sure if that's what it's called in real life.
As always, enjoy!
PS. I have no idea if this is done to a good quality.