This Is The Life
(Part I: I hate it)
I’ll tell you when Doc returned. It was the next morning, by which time I had been hearing all kinds of noises that probably weren’t there.
He left me there all night. I don’t think I slept a wink.
Since then, I hadn’t been back, but I got the impression that Doc would take pleasure in hanging the threat over my head.
Other rogue thoughts swam around my head, dim and echoing, the way they might sound underwater.
How did it come to this? Why?
Voices in one’s head are a bad sign. I couldn’t believe how long ago that seemed, the day that it all began. It happened once upon a time – to the girl who lived in the real world, with her innocence and abundant hope.
Things people had said came around again, like a comet orbiting the Earth.
“You ought to know better by now.”
“Do you know what would happen if you set foot outside as you are?”
“He’ll do anything to keep you here.”
“What’s the worst that could happen?”… I didn’t even want to start answering that one. The list could go on - then it would all grow too much.
I was headed somewhere important. You’ve probably wondered how I’ve not gone round the bend after coming up to ten years of the same dance you’ve seen. I can answer that question in one word: recreation.
There were a couple of marked ‘rec rooms’ which most patients could visit whenever they had time to kill. That’s exactly what I had, so I was determined to make use of the microphone and ‘stage’ that had been set up for the musically inclined of us.
I was never happier than I was when I was on stage, thinking of nothing but me and the music. Before I reached my destination, I already had a song in mind. Digging around the CD box once there, I found the album I was looking for – ‘Breakaway’.
“Who’s next?” asked the blonde girl who’d just finished singing.
“Me”, I said quickly, before anyone could interrupt. She stepped down and took her chosen CD out of the player, returning it to its case. As I put my CD in the player, she eyed it.
“Ooh, Kelly Clarkson”, she said, ‘good taste.”
I smiled and pressed play, having found the right track. Holding the mic, everything else faded from my mind…
I
lose my way
And it’s not too long before you point it out
I
cannot cry
Because I know that’s weakness in your eyes
I’m
forced to fake
A smile, a laugh, every day of my life
My heart
can’t possibly break
When it wasn’t even whole to
start with
Though I considered the song a sadder one, singing it (and, admittedly, the little hand gestures I found myself adding) lifted my spirits. When the track ended, I felt comfortably de-stressed, and the thoughts were no longer demanding my attention. In fact, there was a general silence falling over the room.
Consequently, it was more than quiet enough to hear the door shut. It reminded me quite a bit of one of those Western movie scenes with the saloon doors. It also didn’t surprise me to see Doc regarding us all.
‘You know, what goes up must always come down’, said Mercy. She was all too right, which I avoided mentioning with a subject change.
‘Where have you been?’ I asked irritably
‘Whoah - I was just waiting for the song to finish’, she protested. ‘You seemed a little preoccupied beforehand.’
Doc’s presence made it all too clear why I daydreamed of my own personal breakaway. Why, it was the very embodiment of fear and evil that I ached to be released from.
At the same time, I was powerless to deny that I was bound to it impossibly fast. An image came to mind of myself curled up, hopelessly tangled in numerous black strings to best represent this feeling.
I wanted out! A fact I’d been considering a lot lately.
‘So much for not getting stressed out’, remarked Mercy.
‘Touché’, I responded.
‘I, for one, have no qualms about jumping ship. We should’ve done that ages ago!’
Once again, I would be playing the voice of reason.
‘But… how?’ I replied. ‘How do you propose we bust out, Merce. It’s not like we can just walk out the door – unless you have invisibility powers that you’ve neglected to mention.’ I felt crummy ripping into her but – hey – she’d done it to me enough times.
‘And, supposing we make it out, where are we going to go. Think.’ I tried my best to put an end-of-conversation tone on ‘think’.
‘That’s the part you have planned, isn’t it?’ she asked sweetly. ‘Duh – mind reader, remember? You have somewhere in mind.’
Damn it! I couldn’t let myself get my hopes up, especially not while my captor was trying to meet my eyes.
There! My secret lay bared in black and white. The true extent of Doc’s hold over me seeped like paralysing poison, deep beneath my skin.
I’d been knocked down one too many times. There were two ways to react: don’t get back up, or take a stand. I was torn between my fear and considering this all the more reason to leave.
The world shall know what he’s done, what I let him do to me, before he ever may. This is the one thing I’m sure of.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,808 Reviews
Well, it's nice to see the plot picking up.
It's about time they started plotting to bust out. After something as horrible as the shock therapy, it certainly moves the plot forward well.
You've got an excellently contemplative style throughout this piece. The similes used throughout give a solid picture, and the word choice is fine. But there is one part I want to critique:
These sentences didn't feel like they could have the impact that their potential allows. It's only an opinion, but I think it might be better to replace the exclamation point with a period. The exclamation doesn't really make sense in the context of the scene. Think about it. She's trying to hide her motives, and she's been hiding her feelings for a while now. Many people know the pain of silent fury, and making her thoughts suppressed, but gradually building up anger could help contribute to that.
As for characters, Mercy and Layla are spot-on as always. I would've like to see Aiden take a stab at the girls' confidence in order to drive both his character and her point home, but it's your choice.
Overall, this story's strengths lie in its style and dialogue, with an excellent thought-based flow and enjoyable, realistic conversations. All in all, an excellent read. Cheers!
-Chaser
Ah, I wanted to scream "WHAT IS THE SECRET?" But meh, I got it. But now I'm screaming a new tone. "WHEN WILL SHE GET OUT??"
The secret is just how much control he has over her.
Hi there!
Breakaway <3 I love that song!
This part of the chapter has a sort of transition feel to it. In the previous chapter, Doc was threatening Layla and locked her up in a morgue. That was an intense scene. Now is sort of the downfall. She has been let out and decides to go sing in the rec room to relax. It's a well needed pace change. We have a good idea of who Layla and Mercy are and what their relationship is. We've seen how evil Doc can be and what his "healing processes" are. After all that, it's natural that we, the readers, will want to just sit back and relax. So we follow Layla to the rec room to hear her sing. Very nice.
Breakaway is such a great choice for a song for her to sing. Not only is the title suggestive to what she wants to do, break away from the hospital, but the words also relate to her situation. I'm not a huge fan of seeing song lyrics in a novel because, well, I really don't know why xD Probably because most of the time it's just pointless; there's no reason for them. But what you have here is very purposeful. We think about the lyrics and how they relate to Layla and her feelings.
I know I've mentioned this before, but it's worth mentioning again. There are so many other people in this hospital. You did say in the comment on my last review that you're working on adding more people in so I'm not going to tell you about that again. I will say however, that this part of this chapter is a perfect place to bring those other patients in. Layla is in the rec room where the other patients hang out as well. What a perfect time to bring them in! There has to be a few other patients there that Layla, or Mercy I guess ^_^, has talked to. Are they there? How do the other patients feel about Layla's situation? Are they sympathetic to her or do they think she's crazy like Doc does? The story is such an internal one, focusing on the relationship between Layla and Mercy, that I want to see more of the external relationships.
Alright, I won't mention that anymore. It'll just get annoying
Overall, another great chapter here. I really don't have much else to say since everyone before me pointed out the things I was going to say. (I really have to get here earlier, shame on me! ^_^) I'm looking forward to reading more!
Sorry again for the short review. I hope what little I had to say was helpful
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
The song was Because Of You, but Breakaway is a stunning album. Thank you for seeing the meaning.
I will work on comments. I wrote this before those, though and I have school, so it will be a while.
Anyway, you pretty much said it in your lovely review. Layla wants out! Fast paced, action packed next chapter... Thanks for reviewing.
Hi there Bella!
Oh wow, this was definitely the best chapter I have read so far! This means my review is going to be fairly shorter than usual. I think this was so good because we got to see a lot more of Layla's inner and self and decisions she was making for herself and no one else. I finally got the sense that she was an independent character who wanted to make a change and escape the situation she's in, instead of constantly accepting it. That's what makes a story all the more interesting and I can't wait to see how her plan is going to work out for her, if it is even going to work at all! This is something I am going to have to wait and see about
Thinking about it, I wonder why the doctor would want to lock her up in the morgue in the first place? You explained to me that he wasn't going to kill her, just wanted to scare her a little bit. But he is also letting her on into a big secret as he does so by saying 'accidents can happen' and making it out as if he bullies and kills people there all the time. But seeing as she is not the next victim, do give us a reason that is worth Doc risking his reputation and I am only a doctor cover he is hiding behind. If the Doc only said it to scare Layla then that is silly because he is risking himself and his position and not in a cleaver manner either. I wonder if Doc knew that is she one day went blabbing on about everything she saw down there, no one would believe her.
I think the majority of those patients definitely have time to kill! It would be slightly funny if the next line was something like: Which they always did. Or something, so it sounds more humorous!
This needs a question mark at the end, not a full stop.
I wonder, what did Layla's thoughts at the end have to do with her in relation to the song. I think you should take more time and mention why she has finally decided to stand up and make a change. I feel like it would need to be more than one thing. Something like a godmother coming in and yet you are also being spoilt, or something of the sort. ^^
That's all I have to say! I am also pretty tired, my apologises. I am getting to the other chapers soon as!
Deanie x
Next chapter you see the conclusion...
Interestingly, the song, Because Of You, was meant to relate to her. At first I thought she was singing about Doc, then I had a moment where I realised that it could be about Mercy. You decide.
Thank you for getting to this. See you next chapter!
For some reason I read this, then didn't write a review. I dunno. I'm here to write one now, and finally get this out of the Green Room.
I kind of had mixed feelings about this chapter. It didn't work for me as well as it could've, I thought, and whilst there are some great elements in it, I didn't know how much this chapter contributed to the overall story. I get it's only half the chapter, so hopefully it'll seem more significant when I read part two. Your writing itself is as good as any of your other chapters, I just didn't think the content worked as well as it could have.
I think that this could have been improved by going into more detail. Like timmyjake said, you can talk about her audience's reaction to Layla's singing. This is a scene where you can really pull on your audience's heartstrings, and really make them feel Layla's hopelessness and desperation. I think you just need to expand on this and up the emotion. At the moment, it feels a little rushed and flippant. I've probably said this before, but don't be afraid to really take your time and express the emotions that Layla's feeling.
I had a couple of quibbles, but there weren't many technical issues.
This kind of takes the reader out of the world and reminds them that they are reading a narrative. Directly addressing the audience can be effective (take Lemony Snicket, for example), but you do need to be a bit careful that it's not too distracting. In this case it feels a little clumsy, and as a first line you could probably find something that's catchier and draws the audience in.
I was a bit confused by this sentence. I think you could just cut off the 'to best represent this feeling'. It's a very strong image you've got, and using something like 'represent' kind of detracts from this, because your 'telling' the audience rather than presenting them with an image, if you get my drift.
Not sure how I feel about the song. Being specific works in some ways, but it can be a little alienating too. Obviously, if you were trying to publish it, you'd have to be careful because of copyright issues. The lyrics themselves do work quite well in this situation.
I did enjoy seeing another side to Layla during this chapter (well, half chapter) and your characterisation is strong and pretty consistent. Maybe you could mention music a little earlier on, but as long as you don't just forget about Layla's singing, I think it could be an excellent addition with a lot of potential avenues to go down. And it does seem to fit quite nicely with her character.
I love Mercy. She contrasts nicely to Lala's seriousness, and she brings so much life to the story.
That's about it for this chapter. Sorry if I seemed harsh, but it's all stuff that you can build on and develop. Looking forward to how you continue this chapter, and the rest of your story.
Thank you for reviewing. I found this chapter difficult to write (and the second part), so I'd say it's pretty rough atm.
The next chapter is pretty fast paced; it may work for you, it may not...
Anyways, I'll see you next chapter.
No worries.
I know the feeling of struggling through a chapter all too well (third chapters are my nemesis). I've got a day off school tomorow, so maybe I will be able to get up to date!
Cool! Parts 7b and 8 are up, so you aren't terribly behind.
In Part 8 I finally introduced a new character and - guess what - she doesn't hate Layla!
Timmy here!
So you mentioned that this part was a tad more emotional than the rest, and I think I would have to agree with you. Not that its a bad thing--on the contrary! I think this chapter was done very well, with the perfect amount of drama and real life scenes to not make it a cliché dramatic part. It was done very well. The part where she sings the song in front of the entire room full of people (!!!) was very powerful, and spoke out to me. While I don't know Kelly Clarkson, I believe she is a very popular singer--so good job there. Keeping the artist one everybody knows and loves is important, as recognizing the song. I am assuming it's one of your favorites, too.
Merce's voice was more prominent in this chapter, as was her sarcastic tone... something I find strangely lifting and fun to read. For someone to have a conversation with, she seems just too much fun to be allowed. I love her voice and tone, and really, she is just my favorite character. (Its funny that I think of her as an individual person, even though she is really just a part of Layla) The way she responds to situations, and remarks about the doctor--sometimes so casually its as if she is going out to ice-cream--really solidifies her character and personality. Amazing job there.
Ohhhh... I love the idea--seriously! The imagined sounds creeping and crawling everywhere. Spooky and alarming that her imagination is going so far. But wouldn't it be better if you gave us some description of these noises? Instead of telling us there was a noise, tell us about the noises as well. What did they sound like? Did they remind you of something? Did they creep you out? Were they becoming the forefront of everything--blocking out all other thoughts? There is a lot you can do with that idea. You have only scratched the surface.
I dunno why really, but I dun like that metaphor. <.< It seemed unlike something Layla would say. Perhaps refer to something that has been gone for a long while, and then suddenly resurfaces? Something that ties in with what you said in the preceding paragraphs about being underwater?
This is minimal for a nitpick and its merely stylistic, but avoid describing fleeting characters--even in the slightest form. When the character is flashing in and out, there is no need to describe them. Allow your reader to fill in the blank there, and add in their own image of the girl.
Hmmm... I love the idea a ton. Her audience dropping to a deadly silence, everything coming to a standstill, but I think you could have described their reason for being quiet in more detail. For instance, you didn't explain if they were quiet because her voice was beautiful or if it was because of the passion in her voice, the words themselves... the possibilities are endless with what you could do there! Play with it, and have fun tweaking that little part.
you got the place of your comma and quotation mark mixed up there.
One thing I have problem distinguishing here are the different conversations. There are the convos with Merce--which aren't really conversations with talking, but more like thought process--and then you have the normal conversations with people. I did notice that you used American quotation marks for talking with people and single when talking with Mercy, and I think that helps isolate her convos with her, but it still needs more. Technically, she isn't talking, right? So why not really bring it out and make it truly seem different from the other dialogue. I think put it all in italics, but I would go and ask a few people's opinions on that before you make such a drastic change--if you can't make up your mind as to if that is a good idea or not. I don't know. It just seems as though it needs something more to set it apart from the rest of the work.
I thought you did this very well. The chapter showed her emotions quite well, and the scene and character's were in line--everything was fabulous, quite honestly. I wonder what the doctor is going to do to her now... He is looking at her, and when he does that, it usually means that he is going to start interrogating her soon... which means bad stuff usually follows. They need to put their heads together (Mercy and Layla) and use their combined brains to figure this problem out. Once they become more of a team, they will start winning these dialogue battles with this doctor.
I look forward to the time when the doctor is stumped and can no longer continue with the interrogation. I look forward to the time when she is finally released. That will be a happy day.
Keep going. just keep going!
~Darth Timmyjake
Thanks for following this!
The song was Because Of You; it's about someone who's afraid to start again after experiencing/witnessing a bad relationship. I thought it was a neat fit.
As to The Escape - how do you do it?? *growls*
If Layla and Mercy would work together, it just might happen...
Okay, this is my last chapter for now. Hope you enjoy it.
I'll be working on a fanfiction for a bit, but I'll have more chapters of this up before too long.
PS. I'm tagging my readers for the fanfic. If anyone likes Warehouse 13...
It's okay. I'm now confident that I don't need a break just yet, so ignore this for the time being.