Hole in the Head
(Part II: All Good Things…)
I awoke to memories of going under. Blink. Fragments of the encounter with Doc came back, right up to the humiliation of being draped over his arm. So that was what had happened. Blink. His plan… his plan… to take me away again! My confusion suddenly burst, startling me and leaving nothing where a second ago it had been.
It was all true – real. I sat there limply on the bed, shivering and disillusioned. At that moment I could've cried, I could've screamed and let everything out, but instead I felt, well, nothing. My mind was as blank as the walls around me. Everything I'd wanted had been snatched in the tiniest instant, in the prick of a needle. I cursed myself for going so quietly.
The air was disturbed by the cloying sounds of laughter, tears and screaming. It was as if my own feelings were so deadened that the annoying cries bothered me more than being back in my prison. I only wanted to be out of their reach – more out of their reach.
“Welcome back.” Had I been deaf and blind, I could not have ignored the presence of Aiden.
I could’ve sworn the atmosphere tangibly changed when he stepped over the threshold, from the pressure to the new charge prickling the hairs on my skin. Such a presence set my flesh crawling.
‘Yeah, ‘cause we feel so welcome’, snorted Mercy, unheard by him.
“I don’t know what kind of response you were expecting, Doc”, I replied, keeping my voice level for the most part. Looking up would have been a courtesy, one I didn’t feel I owed him. “Just go. If you want me to deal with this, you’ll do well to keep your distance.”
“I think leaving you by yourself would be unwise, given the current circumstances”, said Aiden in icy disagreement.
‘This seems kinda familiar...’ Mercy sighed. ‘And seriously, is he trying to piss us off?’ I heard her, but I was seeing red before I even thought about responding.
“Current –” I didn’t even know where to begin. Aiden got his wish, my full attention. “Where have you been for the past nine years? Since I met you, you’ve been toxic to me! Why do you think I ran away!” My hands were balled into fists at my sides.
“Aren’t you at all interested in how I found you?” he enquired casually, stopping me in my tracks.
“I did wonder how you tracked me down when you first showed up”, I had to admit. “Well?” I added forcefully, fanning the flame of anger in the hope of keeping it going.
“Someone tried to pull your patient records, a request that goes through me as the one in charge here.” I saw immediately where this was going as he said it. “The name left when I got the message was Sara. You won’t believe her last name.”
“You know…”
He raised an eyebrow, questioning my surprise. “Truman, the same as your mother’s maiden name. So yes, I’m aware that you and she must be related.”
“So what if we share a few genes? She doesn’t need to be involved in this”, I blurted before I could stop myself, instantly regretting it.
“I’m not sure it’s just a few genes”, murmured Aiden.
I shook my head in confusion, not quite sure if I’d heard him right. He had no reason to come out with something like that.
‘No…’ I couldn’t bring myself to articulate the possibility that came to mind. A chill came over me, as if someone were rubbing an ice cube up and down my spine.
‘Pull him up on it’, said Mercy. ‘Don’t let him yank your chain, Layla.’
“What would you know about Sara?” I demanded, taking Mercy’s advice. Enough fight remained in me that I would do my best to make him pay if he went near my aunt.
“You’ve let your imagination run away with you again, dear”, he condescended. “I was only observing that mere genetics wouldn’t bring on such an emotional attachment.”
‘Okay, he’s asking for it. Liar’, Mercy snarled. ‘I just wanna shake him until he talks… stupid bloody teasing! He could act his age!’
‘I don’t buy it either’, I agreed.
“I’m supposed to believe that?” I asked incredulously, doing the best I could to look the part as I addressed Aiden. Hope would have been nothing but a waste of time.
“Oh, I see – you really don’t trust anyone, do you?” he remarked. “You fled when your precious Sara started asking too many questions. Who knows what you’d have done then, had I not found you…”
“What I would’ve done isn’t real anymore, because of you.” I bent my head and tucked my hands between my legs.
“Extraordinary. You have the mind of a freakish, bitter, twisted old hag, trapped in a teenager’s body”, Aiden spat venomously. “Yet I wouldn’t give up or trade my responsibility – you’re my freak.” He dropped down to my eye level, placing one hand on my knee.
I held in my breath, knowing that if I let go I would break down. Release had never felt so dreadful when stalling was no longer possible. Though I tried, nothing I wanted to say ever made it past my lips, until I gave up on the capacity to speak altogether. I'd have given anything to give him a coherent piece of my mind, to break through the cognitive barrier... maybe if I just... shoved! Aiden toppled.
I was past him before he'd even processed what had happened, pressing my body weight against the cell door when I reached it. Several things happened once it was clear that the door wouldn't budge, the first being that I looked back to Aiden, contemplating whether I had the nerve for further aggression towards him. That was when anger gave way to tears, the droplets tickling my already flushed cheeks as they ran down. I relaxed my stance, defeated, feeling almost one with the decrease in resistance from the door. The doctor was now on his feet in my peripheral vision.
Shaky speech finally returned, between gulps of air. "Eh heh - how could you, Doc?! Why?"
‘What have I done, Mercy?’ I asked gravely. ‘I knew it. I knew he had her. This is what Sara got in return for helping me… some gratitude I showed!’
‘You didn’t do this. As far as I’m concerned, Aiden made the point of going after her when he didn’t have to, because he had you', Mercy replied.
‘During the row I realised what danger I was putting her in, and I ran because I couldn’t face how selfish that was of me. I wasn’t thinking of her, I didn’t even say goodbye. It makes me sick! If Doc keeps her, she could become his next plaything. She could become just like me.’
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,808 Reviews
Hi there!
I'm sorry for his review being so late. I was sure I reviewed this one already ><
This might just be personal preference, but the blinks in the first paragraph would be more dramatic if put at the beginning of a new paragraph. That would make them the first thing a reader sees, making it resonate. It would also separate the thoughts as they would be anyway since she is blinking. Play around with it. Especially since this comes after such an intense moment you want the intensity to still stay.
The images in these paragraphs are great, but don't be afraid to really dive into her mind here. Show us that she's delusional. Show us that her mind is blank. In situations like these it's good to slow the pace a bit, spend more time in the MC's mind so we can feel her terror and struggle of being back where she never ever ever wanted to be again.
Doc is such a powerful villain, as he's constantly there. Layla is either thinking about him or is in his presence. It's an emotional as well as physical torture. And I love it. I do think his dialogue could show that a bit more though. There are a few spots a bit out of character and they're worth bringing up because of how powerful his character is.
This seems to be a big bombshell in the chapter. So wouldn't he have said it more forcefully? Or at least something over a murmur. The tone that comes across with that dialogue tag doesn't fit the demanding, evil image that has been established for Doc.
The ellipsis isn't necessary here. There's already so much implied through his words that it just becomes overkill. Also I don't see Doc using an ellipsis (I'm talking about the pause in speaking of course cause he's definitely not writing this xD) to create any sort of threat or anything. His words are powerful and venomous all by themselves. The extra drama isn't needed. Especially in this dialogue where he's trying to convince Layla he's only doing what's best for her. He'd have to be certain and convincing in his words.
Ooooh we're really getting into it now aren't we? If Doc has Sarah he's in for a world of hurt from Layla. I can't wait to read more!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thanks for the review. I love getting advice from everyone.
I think I'm almost done finishing part 3! It should be up soon (hopefully)
Hey Bella!
Here to review this chapter as requested! I am always happy to continue reading and reviewing your novel. I did like this chapter and was so interested in knowing what the first conversation would be like when we get back to the prison as we saw Doc and her together. I was expecting some sort of attack but half imagined that Mercy would take over! It was interesting to see how things really did play out. In the end, I don't have too much critique for you because as always your chapters are getting better and I think the writing is improving a lot as well. I loved reading it
I found the fact that she repeated his plan twice was interesting, but I couldn't see why she was doing this. I decided that it might be because she was thinking about it and trying to understand what the plan was as she raked her memory for it. If that is the case, rather than simply repeating the words to create that impression, take it one step further as well! It would be good to show us her nibbling her fingers, running her hands through her hair and pacing in her cell as she tried to think back to what the plan was. Little details like that can really build up the setting and imagery, and also brings across your meaning better too.
I felt like this was a pretty powerful moment and I felt like the smallest thing here - punctuation - could really change this and make it a bit more hard hitting and powerful to the reader. When you want to do that in a novel short sentences become your very best friends. So I would make the first comma a full stop instead. I would do the same for the second one and make the last sentence 'But instead I felt nothing. Not at all.' That way we also eradicate the informality of the 'well' but doesn't give it a formal impression.
This sentence left me a little bit puzzled because what did you mean by more out of their reach? think you mean more out of their reach than she was. But either way, I do think wording this differently could help improve the understanding of that sentence.
When she said this it took me a while before I noticed she wasn't speaking aloud but in her head to Mercy. I think this is fine as long as you have it in italics otherwise with the three of them it does get confusing! I think italics is a good idea to show the simple difference between what happens mentally and physically.
One thing that i didn't understand in the chapter was how she suddenly knew that Sara was imprisoned here? I mean, yes she did play an important role in her escape and also was in danger, and seeing as Doc did know they were related it is likely that she is somewhere nearby. But it is strange for her to assume that Sara is down in the bad cells where they wouldn't likely be taking anyone they intended to release. So I think some further explanation here could be needed.
Aside from the above mentioned this was, as always, a very good chapter. Keep writing and progressing as wonderfully as you have been, Bella!
Deanie x
She's intelligent, so I think she figured it out from Doc's "genes" comment. It was meant to imply he'd seen Sara, to know they looked similar.
Thanks for the review. It's always nice to get new comments!
Timmy hereee
How long has it been since I reviewed a piece for you? Months? O.0 I kind of feel bad about that... a teensy bit, like imagine the smallest piece of dirt, and there you have my remorse. hehe Okay, maybe not. xd I should have kept up with your book, but you know how life gets in the way....
Onto the review. c:
I feel a little confused by this chapter, which makes me think I may have missed one? I don't know, but when I'm finished with this, I'll take a look behind me and see what's going on with the previous chapters. Since I'm a little out of it story-wise, I'll stick to the technical side of things, alright?
... And that was confusing. xd I'd try re-writing that sentence, working especially on the end - where a second ago it had been. I can tell what you mean, but at the same time, it's bloody confusing and awkward to read.
She never sat up, though? I read over what you wrote before this part... and you missed telling the reader that she's not lying down anymore. Gotta tell us what she does.
Beep beep.... Hear that? It's my redundancy detector. xd Better fix up this sentence. c:
Okayyy, so this part needs a touch-up. You mention the whole welcome home and say to the reader how it's impossible to ignore the presence of Aiden... and then tell us why it's impossible. Reverse these. Show us how it's impossible to not notice him being in the room, and thenn tell us that it's impossible. Actually, you probably don't even need to tell us, as the showing would be enough of an implication to the reader that it'd be impossible to not feel Aiden's presence. :3
Nope. You're saying too much. All that's required in this tag for Aiden is said Aden, or if you really wanted, said Aiden icily. Telling the reader that he said it in disagreement is stating things twice, as you've already told us in his dialogue. c:
Nitpick obvious~
O.0 So this chapter was a lot faster than the others? Like, you have really picked up the pace here... and I find myself loving ittt. It has action, drama (tons of drama Lol), and that constant style of yours, where you weave both the normal conversations and those of Mercy and Layla seamlessly into each other. As usual, I love Mercy's spunk and Layla's intelligence. Together, they are quite the team. And, I always love a bit of Aiden. xd Nothing like a little bit of evil doctors to spice up a book, eh? He's an awesome character.
I love where this is going, Bella. Your book is fun, engaging and I like how your plot is building as you write.
~Darth Timmyjake in Training
Thanks for this, Timmy. You've given me a lot to think about.
Hey Bella! Review time...
Another really good chapter. I think that this chapter was one of the better-paced ones you've had. It all progressed very naturally and logically, which made it very easy to read. Good flow, didn't have jolts or anything. Which if you can keep up, will be really great.
I think something you maybe needed to include earlier on was where this chapter was set. Later on I could kind of guess that it was back at the institution, but I think it needs to be clearer from earlier on. Plus, it could offer an opportunity for some kind of moment for Layla to be some how impacted by the fact that she's back in the place she tried to escape.
This bit stood out to me:
The way you've phrased this doesn't work. For one, 'you've been toxic to me' kinda seems a bit too trivial. Like the kind of thing you'd say to a person who'd been really rude and aggressive to you, but hadn't really done much harm. That's kind of how it felt for me anyway, and I think that even if you make Layla be totally blunt, "you tortured me for years", etc it would be more effective. The "where do you think I've been" bit also felt like an odd thing to say. Might be another one to consider rephrasing.
The bit about Layla and Sara sharing more than a few genes was a little weird. At first I thought it was foreshadowing, but you brushed it away in a manner that felt a little weird. It felt like you were saying PAY ATTENTION TO THIS then it was all 'eh, nevermind'. If it's significant, you don't necessarily need to signpost it too blaringly, but I think the transition back into the rest of the conversation needs improving. If it isn't significant, well, maybe you can consider making it feel like less of a clue.
I think there were a few moments where you could have upped the intensity a little more. Tricky to explain how to do it, but I think there needs to be more tension building up and being partially relieved and building up again. It's getting there, but I think you could just up the ante in this respect a little more. Create a bigger sense of what Layla (and Mercy, to an extent) has to lose. Which comes down to exploring character emotions and drives and all that sort of thing. Atmosphere plays a massive role in this too.
Otherwise, it was a strong chapter. Really consistent characterisation, and while Aiden's depths aren't really all that evident yet, Layla and Mercy feel well developed and believable. They're interesting to read about, and maybe it's because I've been reading this story for so long XD but I do feel invested with Layla as a character and want her to succeed.
Any questions, you know the drill. See you at the next chapter!
Okay, phrasing...
The"where have you been" thing sort of means "have you been paying attention? Are we even talking about the same thing?" That's what it was there for.
As for the genes stuff, that was really a catalyst for Layla realising Aiden had Sara. He wouldn't have been able to comment, otherwise.
That said, I'll think about it next time round. Thanks for the tips and the review
I was saying pay attention to the genes thing. The implication was that he'd had direct contact with Sara, and knew that she was a lot like Layla.
Sorry if that ws unclear. I can be over-vague sometimes...
This story brought tears to my eyes. It was brilliant esse
You might want to read from the beginning, but thank you
Just that you might benefit from some context on this.
I'm wondering if you guys like this version of the chapter better than the last one...