z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Imaginary Friends - 13: Say My Name

by BellaRoma


Say My Name

Composed and completely dressed in new attire, I gave my reflection one last glimpse. I felt a world apart from the girl who knocked on Sara’s door two nights ago. I’d picked one of the skirts – a pink and grey tartan one – to go with a fairly plain t shirt as well as the two armfuls of bracelets I’d borrowed from Sara.

When we crossed paths on the landing, Sara did a distinct double take.

“Whoah!” she breathed. “That really makes a difference.”

“It doesn’t look bad?” I twisted my hair round my finger nervously.

“No. It’s a good different”, assured Sara. “You know how sometimes a contrast turns out to be the perfect match? Like that.”

I thought of Mercy, my opposite but stabilising force, my flip side – the alter ego.

“Yes”, I replied, smiling knowingly. “It’ll take some getting used to, though.”

“It’s fine, okay?” Sara reassured. “Listen, I came to tell you that when I work nights, I always do dinner early. Are you hungry now, or shall I leave some on the side in the kitchen for you?”

“Let’s eat together. What’s on the menu?” I asked.

“Pasta. You okay with that?”

“Don’t see why I wouldn’t be…. Do you need any help?”

“I couldn’t possibly expect you to do that. You’re a guest”, replied Sara.

“Even so, you’ve dropped everything to help me.”

“Oh, Layla, I wasn’t very well going to turn you out!” She pulled me into a hug. “That’s not in my nature, as in not really an option.”

“Is it weird that that’s why I feel all the more obliged?” I enquired.

“No, no, I can understand that. I think the water needs to go on the boil soon, and the kitchen is plenty big enough for two. You can help if you really want”, said Sara congenially as we started down the stairs.

“We are much too alike for our own good, Sara…”

Preparing the meal was no problem. Two heads are better than one and all. Dinner was on the table in record time.

“So, when are you actually heading out tonight?” I asked across the table.

“It’ll be about seven”, answered Sara. I’ll try not to wake you when I get back; it’s going to be a late one.”

“Considering you must get new cases every day, I’m not surprised.”

“I’m never idle”, Sara explained. “You just don’t know what you might find when you walk in. In a bizarre way, that’s the best part.”

“You wouldn’t have it any other way, though”, I replied softly.

“Definitely not”, said Sara. “I can’t imagine not knowing anyone from the lab. The friendships I’ve formed wouldn’t be possible.”

“What are they like – your friends?” I asked, leaning forward in my interest.

Sara paused for thought, fork poised in her bowl. It seemed like she was picturing them in her head, but was unsure how to word what she saw. Not that it was unusual for her to consider her words carefully.

“My closest friend is probably Elouise. Everyone’s always called her Elle at the lab, though, since I can remember. She’s sort of the opposite of my appearance: blonde, blue eyes, petite…” answered Sara eventually. “Constantly buzzing with energy. You’d like her – she has one of those very warm, sunny dispositions. I know her to be incredibly empathetic. She can adjust to pretty much anybody’s wavelength, to get through to them." All the while, Sara had been slowly swirling her fork in her pasta for something to do with it.

“How do you observe so much?”

“I work with her regularly, and she probably knows me just as well”, Sara replied. “We’re trained to notice all the details, Layla.” She stabbed a piece of pasta with her fork and put it into her mouth.

I knew the food was getting cold, because I had been eating while I listened to Sara. The conversation dropped for a few minutes, while we finished our meal before it cooled completely. This did not stop me wanting to know more, and once the bowls were in the dishwasher, I dug a little deeper.

“Do you work with anyone else really closely?” I asked.

“Riley”, she recounted with a sigh, as if she were remembering something that was funny at the time. “He acts a little bit like he hasn’t grown out of being the class clown. You know… likes a reaction when he enters a room. Every time. He’s a great friend, but his immaturity makes working with him difficult sometimes.”

I giggled at this description, and the cheeky, laughing face I imagined to go with it.

Sara got up, picked up her handbag and started putting things in it calmly, not in any real rush. Her phone, keys from the hallway when she went to get her shoes. This was her way of saying “I really must go” without words. The clock read ten to seven when she was ready to go.

“See you later, Layla”, said Sara. I was leant in the hallway doorframe, and she was by the front door.

“Goodbye”, I replied a little sadly as she stepped out of the door.

This is the way things are – how they must be,’ I thought. ‘I couldn’t possibly measure what an improvement this is upon the institution, though.’

Nevertheless, I still turned into the living room to watch Sara pull off the driveway through the window.

Now I was on my own, the bangles on my arms felt like they had become a nuisance, so I shed them all. Not wanting to just leave them laying somewhere, I decided to put the bracelets back in Sara’s room before I did anything else, which led me upstairs.

I turned on Sara’s bedroom light, not knowing where anything was in the dark. The dresser stood against the wall opposite the bed, and I decided it was there I should replace the borrowed bracelets. A view of the bed could be seen in the dresser’s mirror, as could the paper strewn across the covers.

‘Is it one of Sara’s case files, do you think?’ I asked Mercy. ‘I didn’t think she was allowed to bring that sort of thing home.”

‘No, it’s a romance novel’, she replied. 'Of course it’s a fricking case file!'

The bangles chinked against one another as they dropped out of my hand to the ground, forgotten. I only meant to be in and out…. I wasn’t looking for anything, or trying to hurt anyone…

‘Then what is my picture doing here, Merce?’

I shook the photo as if it were a developing Polaroid, stealing a second glance to take in the information. Yes, Sara. All the details…


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Mon Jun 08, 2015 4:21 am
TriSARAHtops wrote a review...



Hey Bella! I've got a long weekend, so I thought I'd catch up on some reviewing! So I'm finally here! YAY! Sorry about the exclamation mark overload, by the way. o.o

That ending was pretty epic. Talk about a twist that gets the reader questioning everything that they were thinking before that. Nicely done. You've done a fair bit of work on building Sara up as someone we trust, but that ending makes the audience question their assumptions. This twist was pulled off very well - it was clear, somewhat sudden, and unexpected. Awesome work.

It's been a good while since I last read anything IF-related (it would've been whenever you posted the Future chapters, and I can't be bothered checking when that was x_x), but it only took me a couple of paragraphs of reading to get back into it. I didn't feel like I was lost, so that came as a nice surprise, considering how long it's been since I read the previous chapter.

I think the end of this chapter was definitely the strongest. Whilst I did think that the dialogue was pretty useful in helping progress the development of the characters and their relationship, I did feel like it was a bit too like reading a script, in that this chapter was predominately dialogue. I dunno if I've said this about previous chapters, but I think it just needs a little more description or thought processes or actions to break up the dialogue. Even a little reflection, could be good. Because the characters are a little too close to feeling like talking heads, and whilst the character development is done very well through the dialogue, there does need to be a bit more meat in there.

I liked the descriptions of Sara's friends from work, however they did feel a little out of place. I'm hoping that they'll come into significance later on, because at the moment the conversation doesn't add all that much, and the observation that Layla makes about Sara noticing a lot of details could have been woven in by different means.

Like Timmy said, the lack of Mercy until the very end was a little bit unusual. Her appearance actually felt a little bit jarring when she finally appears, because it did come from nowhere, when she hadn't spoken up all chapter, and had barely been mentioned. Easy fix there, just allow Mercy the odd sarcastic comment or have Layla think about how Mercy would feel about things been said, and you'll be golden.

That's about it from me. As usual, any questions let me know, and I'll see you at the next chapter!




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Sat Jun 06, 2015 3:11 pm
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Deanie wrote a review...



Hi Bella!

I hadn't realised that I hadn't read this chapter either, but now I have time to get to it and hopefully will be able to read the next chapter soon enough. I am working at catching up, so don't worry about it ;)

I think this was a brilliantly written chapter. I don't really have any nitpicks for you, and as I read it not much stood out to me as really needing a huge change, which is why I can only pick up on small things at the moment. The change in Layla has been a good one and I am so happy to see her becoming more confident in herself. You also ended this chapter at the perfect moment because now we are all wondering what Sara is doing as she researches some more about Layla! I always trusted Sara to be on her side and I hope all this research she is conducting is only in Layla's best interest. But I can't help but mention it has put a sinister spin on things, and makes me question things I didn't question before. Which is always a good twist to have in the story!

Other than the ending though, this seemed like a bit of a filler chapter and it would be nice if it was more substantial and had some more weight to itself. I am glad that we get to see how she has changed and all, but I don't think we get much from the chapter apart from the result, and all we can gather from the conversation is that Sara is happy to have her around. But I wanted things to become a bit more meaningful. What if they talked about Sara's life before Layla came along? I am curious to know more about what she was like then. I get the impression that she might've felt lonely sometimes and transformed into something much like a workaholic because she spent all her energy working. Or maybe not... so at some point it might be nice to have that backstory mentioned along the lines.

Also, I want to know a bit more about Layla's parents. Sara is an adult and I find it strange that all the time Layla has been there it hasn't been brought up by her, even on a whim, once. Of course, maybe she understands that Layla's parents might turn her in immediately once they realise she is out, or maybe that they are a sensitive subject for her, but knowing an adult they would at least give it a shot. I don't think Sara would mean to imply that she wants Layla out of the house, but I find it strange that they haven't been in Layla's thoughts, especially as she is free and hasn't seen them for a while. I want them to be brought up.

I am going to end the review here, but just think about including those two things in future chapters so we get to see a bit more of the emotional and inner conflict as well as the outer conflict which you have mastered with this novel.

I will be back soon!

Deanie x




BellaRoma says...


Thank you for the review! I have a whole list of things I want to address once I'm through with the first draft. This thing with the parents is on it. After 15, we're at the future chapters. I think the mum at least is bound to crop up at some point...



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Sun May 24, 2015 2:40 pm
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TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy hereeee - finally. xd

Sorry for the wait. I admit it's part laziness and part busy-ness that's accountable, but I should have been here sooner. :3
Here I am nowww, so let's get started. Instead of going through with my normal spazzing session in the beginning of the review, I'll dive in and find what I can talk about. Also, bear with me. It's been about three weeks+ since I had reviewed and my reviewing muscles are out of shape. xd

Let's talk about dialogue tags for a moment. I won't immediately pull out any of yours because I don't find it necessary - we can look and consider them as I need to bring them to attention. Instead, I'll talk about them as a whole. c: So ask yourself this: What is the purpose of a dialogue tag? Easy, right? To tell the reader that this particular character just spoke. End of story. Tadaaaa. Live long and prosper, etc. But with many people (including me ><), it seems as though the dialogue tags are there for... more - but without accomplishing that goal. Many people use it to convey emotion, which, in my opinion, isn't the right place.

Because the place for the emotion is in the dialogue - not the tagline.

‘No, it’s a romance novel’, she replied sarcastically.


So there's an example. ^^ The emotion you're conveying here with the sarcasm shouldn't be in the tagline, but in the dialogue itself. And it is! You have Marcy giving Layla the perfect reply there. I laughed aloud with it, and it's funny and sarcastic at the same time. xd But the sarcastically is both telling and redundant, because it tells the reader Mercy was talking sarcastically, and re-tells them that she spoke like that. The dialogue was perfect as it was! She replied is perfect.

Also, watch the adverbs. Lately, people have been disagreeing with me quite a bit on the usage of them, so I won't hammer on you to quit using them like I decided months ago (mostly - I use a few), but watch them! Because they're culprits around dialogue tags, and they love to, well, tag along for the ride while adding nothing to your story. Using the same example as above, replied sarcastically is using an adverb. said Sara congenially - that adverb usage there, well, kind of hurt. Sometimes they lend so, so much to the story and the emotions you're conveying to the reader, but others they just get in the way and clutter your writing. If they're not necessary, cut them outttt.

One thing I find missing throughout the beginning and towards the end is that there seems to be a lack of Mercy. She pops in towards the end of the chapter for a quick sarcastic comment, but never says anything else. I kind of missed her. ;_; And it seemed odd that throughout all of that conversation, you didn't have her say anything. >> And she always has some sarcastic comment for Layla. So perhaps you should slip a few in there? Or maybe, if you don't want her to say anything, have it so that she makes a sarcastic thingy and Layla shuts her up - and then maybe a deal for her to be quiet? It just seems unrealistic for her to be silent throughout.

I can't seem to find anything else to talk about, save for that you have me REALLY excited about your next chapter! You have never been one for amazing cliffhangers, but rather a writer to give us a touching chapter closure. BUT, this chapter had an ahmaaazing ending, and I loved the question that lingers at the end. What is in that case file? o.0 So now you have to get to writing that chapter, you mean mean girl. hmph. Hurry uppppp

So I told you previously that your writing had matured since your last chapter, and you wanted me to explain, so hereee I am to do that. I think it has a lot to do with Layla and her curiosity with Sara's job and all, but there's more. Your style of writing has improved and matured since the last chapter (as it should have, right?). I felt like I had more of her mind and her emotions expressed in this chapter, and in a better way. :3 You done good.

I'm sorry for the short-ish review. >< I'm still getting back into reviewing, and it's difficult to write a full length review. xD
Keep writing strong! You've got this <3
~Darth Timmyjake - feels good to write that again :')




BellaRoma says...


Thanks so much for the review!
PS. Love the new avvie.



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Thu May 07, 2015 1:24 pm
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Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

I'm so sorry for being so late with this, especially since you haven't gotten any other reviews on this. I feel so bad. But I'm here now and I'll definitely keep up with this. Just to let you know, I think I'll save the future chapters for later when they come up in the plot of the story. Unless you think I should do otherwise.

‘This is the way things are – how they must be,’ I thought. ‘I couldn’t possibly measure what an improvement this is upon the institution, though.’

Just a nitpick here. You don't need the quotation marks here for thoughts. The italics work just fine.

This chapter had a lot of dialogue, which is fine of course. There's always going to be that part of a novel that has a lot of dialogue. Characters are important to the story (duh, Noelle) and sometimes dialogue is the only way to advance the plot and show the relationships between characters. I feel like this is definitely one of those times. Your dialogue is written very well, flowing quite well together. I appreciate it too because we haven't known Sara for that long and we have yet to know all of her secrets. She sounds like she has nothing to hide, but then there's the file in her room with Layla's picture in it. Interesting.

To be completely honest, I don't understand why Layla is grilling Sara like this. Maybe it's just because I haven't read this in a while and I'm forgetting some things. Does she think that Sara is hiding something? I know that she's trying to figure out what's going on with Doc and everything at the institution. Layla definitely seems to have a motive though.

Overall, this is another good chapter. Looking back at this entire story from the first chapter, it's moved along quite well. I don't notice these things while I'm reading because I'm so into the story, but when I stop and really look at it, I can see how the plot has moved along. Even Layla seems to have changed over time. She's become a lot less timid, I think, and more accepting of Mercy. Not that she wasn't before, but there seems to be a bit more acceptance there than before, if that makes sense xD The cool thing I've noticed is how Mercy hasn't changed at all. Normallythat would be something to raise flags, but I think it works so well. Mercy isn't really a real person, in the physical sense. So to have her remain static works. It's like Layla doesn't want her to change, wants her to stay the same forever.

I can't wait until the next chapter!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




BellaRoma says...


Thanks for the review :)
I didn%u2018t mean it to sound like Layla was grilling Sara. Not yet!!
Now she%u2018s found the file, she might...



BellaRoma says...


Sorry about the apostrophes in my reply being funny.

PS. What chapter would you recommend I do the Spoken Word thing from? It will only be a small extract.



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Mon Apr 27, 2015 7:10 am
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BellaRoma says...



Hope you guys enjoy this :) Wish me luck with this new plotline.

More coming soon! The next chapter follows on, if anyone is worried about Layla's (lack of) reaction





Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
— Dr. Seuss