Tears Dry On Their Own
Mercy
“It was the worst yet”, said Layla, unable to help sniffling.
‘I know, I was there’, I replied.
“You’re sweating buckets, I came in and you were… convulsing…. Did I hear screams?” said Sara, with a look on her face somewhere between horror and sadness. I was certain it had a name that I just couldn’t place right now.
‘It’s called compassion – something I remember her for’, supplied Layla.
“What was going on in there, if you don’t mind my asking?” Sara finished. She clearly wasn’t pushing Layla, judging by her tone.
‘Do you need a few minutes grace to – you know – get it together?’ I asked Layla, who was still leaning on Sara’s shoulder in a state of shock.
‘I’m guessing you mean you’ll stand in. Thank you for asking, but no thanks – not in front of Sara.’
‘It’s not like she can see me’, I protested.
‘We’re different in more ways than one’, she replied, sounding like a parent tired of repeating themselves.
‘C’mon, you really think I’m going to screw this up?’
‘Do you want me to answer that?.... I didn’t think so.’ She was half paying attention to Sara anyway.
Sara sat patiently awaiting a response, but Layla sure wasn’t going to set the ball rolling.
‘Too late’, I replied. ‘You can thank me later, okay?’
‘Grr! I hate it when you do that after I say no.’ Layla would just have to go along with it.
‘It’s not like I take over without permission often.’ I don’t do very well at restraining myself, so I had to set the record straight. ‘This just seems like the best plan. Fine – what should I say?’
“Are you going to tell me about it, Layla?” asked Sara. “At least say if you don’t want to – I’ll understand.”
I straightened up and faced her. “No, I’ll tell you. I was back there again…”
The image of floor to ceiling dirty white tiles, the dreamscape, filled my mind like rising water.
“The institution?” asked Sara. “I knew there was something playing on your mind.”
“The doctor – Dr Aiden was standing over me. 'You’re delusional, darling', he says. 'You never made it out.' He said they brought me round with a shock. That’s the room I woke up in. After I told him to stuff it he – he finished the job.”
“I’ve been in my share of hospitals. Don’t they put you out before the shock?”
“Consider two things, Sara – 1) this was a nightmare, 2) we’re talking about the guy who thought he would commit a seven year old to the asylum where the next youngest patient was twice her age! No he did not put me out.”
Sara put up her hands. “When you put it that way…. Any more you want to tell me?”
Those are just the bare facts…. Luckily, that’s my speciality.
“To sum up his final remarks, he said, 'Your sweet ass is mine.' Well, he didn’t say it like that, but he meant it. Then I must’ve heard you.”
“There’s something fundamentally wrong with the thought of owning somebody”, said Sara.
“I have to agree.”
I was thinking about how weird it felt talking as Layla, being called by her name. If I went to the mirror, I’d see Layla’s soft, rounded features. My reflection didn’t exist, a mind bending concept.
It was like someone had asked me to put my heart and soul into someone else’s role, one that I was never going to be seen in. But it still had to be perfect.
I was just thinking all that when Sara came out with something.
“Don’t freak out, Layla, but this conversation was strange. You started out teary, but it cleared up like that.” She snapped her fingers. “Instead of calming down, you were getting angry.”
It was weird for her too?
“What?” was my actual reply.
“The way you told me what happened – it seemed… out of tone for you. Not how I thought you’d say it, I mean. It’s an interrogation thing, inconsistencies. I’m probably overthinking this…”
‘Okay, I think I’ll take it from here’, piped up Layla, sounding much better for her time out.
I was fine with letting her finish up. Now I had a few things to wrap my head around.
‘She’s good…’
‘I told you it was a bad idea, Mercy. You heard me.’ Now it was she who was facing Sara.
“I’m back!” Layla announced jokingly.
What is it that makes the truth the best lie?
Sara saw the funny side of it, so she and Layla were soon laughing together. Sara’s ‘overthinking’ was all but forgotten in the ensuing conversation.
The whole time they were talking, there was no way you would think they’d been estranged for nearly ten years. The thing I picked up on most about Sara was that she was a great listener, happy to be a warm hearted shoulder to cry on. You couldn’t possibly find anyone more unlike Doc.
She was kind of like an older version of Layla. Her features were similar to Layla’s, rounded, but more defined. They had a lot in common in terms of traits and values as well as the family resemblance.
While they were doing their Q and A catch up, I had my own questions.
Why did the shock cut me off? The latter part of the dream for me was spent behind this glass window, trying unsuccessfully to grab Layla’s attention.
What the hell did that mean? Does it make me the bad stuff Layla needs to get out, like Esther Greenwood’s fixation with knives in The Bell Jar?
She seemed pretty upset when I wasn’t there. Maybe we’re two halves of a whole, as opposed to two people crammed into one body.
Then why can’t I help? I seem to make an awful lot of mess for Layla to clean up.
Funny how being scared stupid has made me see so clear. Let’s face it, I’m a freaking head spinner! That’s probably why Layla doesn’t want to tell Sara.
I don’t suppose I’ve even scratched the surface there. That's the low down.
End of chapter
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140,752 Literary Works • 673,686 Reviews
Okay, I'm finally reviewing this. Yay!
I think most of the nitpicky stuff has already been pointed out, and I don't think there was anything that majorly leapt out at me.
I remember that the last Mercy POV chapter had a really, really strong sense of voice, that was very different to Layla's. Although I could tell that it was Mercy's POV, there wasn't as strong a sense of it being distincitive, if that makes sense. I remember in the previous Mercy chapter I was really hit with the feeling of okay, this is a different narrator but this time I wasn't so much. Maybe it was because this chapter was so dialogue-heavy, rather than reflective, or descriptive. I felt like I didn't really get as much of a chance to get into Mercy's state of mind as much this time, compared to the other Mercy chapter. I think it would just be a matter of adding some more description, and/or more of Mercy reacting and thinking about what's going on. She has a really distinctive voice, so it would be a shame not to use it to its full potential. It is there in this chapter, but I feel like it could be a bit stronger.
The questions and thoughts at the end of the chapter were a bit much, for me. Maybe one or two would have worked, but having that big chunk kinda was off-putting. They're all relevant, but I think they all could have been woven in so that they were a part of the scene, rather than tacked onto the end. They don't all have to be in italics - for example, you could put the second last one into the past tense, and it would still work as a thought, showing Mercy's line of thinking, without standing out. The content and ideas in the italics bit are worth keeping, just maybe presented in a way that is less disjointed from the narrative.
Tiny nitpick I just found: you mentioned 'The Bell Jar', and it struck me as something that I'm not sure if Mercy/Layla would know about. They've been in an institution for years, so they wouldn't understand a number of references like that. Granted, it's likely that they would have had books, but I imagine that 'The Bell Jar' wouldn't be the kind of story that the doc would have let them have access to. Obviously it's your world, so you can have them read whatever you like, but it seemed a bit unlikely that Mercy would make a Sylvia Plath reference.
Into the positives, I feel like we got to know Sara a bit better in this chapter. I'm warming up to her, but I do still need to get to know her better, in order to connect with the trust Layla has for her, but nonetheless it's progressing.
Your dialogue was good in this chapter. It felt consistent to everyone, and clear who was speaking by their voice, and the words they used. This is something that is not always easy to do, so it's really awesome that you've been able to achieve it in your first draft.
Great job, and I'm glad to be back on the road to catching up with IF.
Thanks.
Hi there!
I would've liked to see this expanded upon. This is a great opportunity for us to see Mercy's reaction. There's an ellipsis there in the middle of the dialogue which suggests a passing in time. I assumed that something happened that made Layla say 'I didn't think so'. I imagined Mercy looking guilty or maybe understanding. Were there other times when Mercy screwed up that would make Layla say something Mercy didn't want to hear? That's what I was looking for. It's one thing to say that there might be some sort of memory, but it's a different one completely to show us that memory.
This is just from personal experience, but I don't see Sara just sitting there waiting patiently for Layla to tell her what's wrong. I'm sure she's hugging her, smoothing out her hair, rubbing her back, trying to coax an answer out of her. When someone has a nightmare or something they don't really want to talk about, someone else isn't going to just sit there and wait for an explanation. They're going to comfort the person and try to get the answer out of them one way or another. I figured I'd point that out because Sara came across as a nice, caring person to begin with. She doesn't strike me as a person who would just sit back and wait for Layla to tell her what happened. She'd definitely try and coax it out of her.
Usually when here is dialogue inside of dialogue, that dialogue is surrounded by single quotation marks. Either that or it's put in italics. I've seen it with the single quotation marks most often. Otherwise, it gets a bit confusing. When I first read through it, I thought you had forgotten a set of quotation marks and Mercy was done talking. I did realize what she was saying after a while though. Just remember, single quotation marks inside of quotation marks.
Ahhhhh! I absolutely love this! I don't think we've ever really gotten to see inside of Mercy's mind before this chapter. I mean, really look at it. We've gotten to know her thoughts and feelings, but never the ones about her being inside Layla. All this while, we've been assuming that she's an actual other person, a whole other, separate being. At least, I've been thinking that. But here, she actually announces that she is part of Layla. That's great character development, happening all the way in chapter ten. I always like it when we learn new things about characters later in a novel. That really shows how dynamic a character is. And of course, that's what you really want to see in a novel.
Eh, I'm not a huge fan of slang/abbreviations written into novels. The reason for that is a novel is a piece of literature. And despite vocabulary becoming more lax among everyday people, a novel is written with proper vocabulary and grammar. Now I'm not saying that your novel isn't written properly. Just the contrary, it's very proper. But there are tiny places like this where slang might sneak in. 'Q and A' could very easily be changed to 'question and answer'. Another reason is that someone might not know what Q and A means. I know, I know, you'd probably have to be living under a rock to not know what it means, but it's always important for your readers to understand exactly what's going on.
That being said, you can keep it or get rid of it. Whatever you want to do. I'm not here to tell you what to do with your novel, I'm just here to give you advice. Who knows, maybe you want to keep it as realistic to Mercy's voice as possible which would include some slang. Just because I'm not a fan of it doesn't mean that others won't be either
One more quick thing before I talk about my overall thoughts on the chapter. There are a lot of thoughts that Mercy has at the end of this chapter. That's good because it's important that we understand what's going on in her mind as well as Layla's. But at the same time, it's a bit overwhelming. It's one question after another after another. Why not slip in something else between questions? Maybe something about what is going on between Layla and Sara? Just something that'll make it easier to digest all of these thoughts and questions she has.
Overall you've got another good chapter here. I really like how you progress the plot line with your dialogue. Usually it's something that I would point out, but it seems to work in your novel. I think the main story line you have here is Layla and Mercy against the world. What I mean by that is that Layla is having to live life with this "imaginary friend" that no one else seems to accept. So it's important for us to see her conversations as well as what goes on in her life.
One thing I feel that you could improve upon is your imagery. There really hasn't been much up to this point. That's not really something that's super important, but it is nice to have in any thing you write. What exactly does Sara's room look like? What kind of room is Layla in? (I think you might've already answered that one in the last chapter, but it came to my mind at the moment) What kind of clothes is Sara wearing? Obviously she's in some kind of pajamas or night clothes, but what exactly is she wearing? That could really give us some more ideas about what kind of person she is. Any chance that you feel even a bit that there should be imagery/description, put it in. Just so you're showing your readers what's going on around Layla.
Mercy seems to really be developing a voice of her own. I feel like you had been giving us teasers of her perspective and her voice so far. You haven't really brought out her voice in full until this chapter. Now we really get to see her and we realize that she's good for Layla. She's like the same person, but she's completely different. All she wants to do is help Layla and make sure that she's living a good life.
The story really does seem to be picking up and now that we've gotten a chapter from Mercy's POV, I feel like everything is really coming together. Great job with this chapter! Despite my few nitpicks, this is a good chapter. I can't wait to read more! I'm almost all caught up
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thanks for the review. I'm glad you liked it.
It was a really good look into Mercy's mind, wasn't it? I mean that I was as intrigued as you were as I wrote this.
Just letting you know I have come back and read this! I just don't have anything to cover that hasn't been already - so no review for you this time round
Deanie x
Okay. So much school, not enough writing time. Ch 12 soon ish.
I'm glad you are caught up!!
Hello, love!
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Aurora here with a quick Review day review for you!
Let's get down to business; nitpicks first, love.
‘I know, I was there’, I replied.
You have apostrophes- those need to be quotation marks
I was certain it had a name that I just couldn’t place right now.
It would give it more of an emotional effect if you wrote the exact same thing, but like this:
I was certain it had a name- but I just couldn’t place it right now.
‘It’s called compassion – something I remember her for’, supplied Layla.
Single quotes again And also, does Layla read minds? If she reads the question in your MC's eyes, you need to say that; otherwise, you've got a gaping plot hole and a confused reader
“What was going on in there if you don’t mind my asking?”
Comma after there, love.
You have a lot of apostrophe's instead of quotation marks, but I'm not going to point those out; easy enough to catch ad fix; besides, it's almost every single line of the dialogue. Other than that, I can't find any other nitpicks, so..
End of nitpicks.
Everything's great about this scene. I get a clear look at your character and I get to see what's going on.
But there's no description.
At. All.
Forgive me if you described this in your previous chapters (I haven't read them), but where are they sitting? Is it a hospital? Is it outside, or in a room? And if it's a room, what colour are the walls? Is there furniture? Is the floor carpet, wood, or tile?
And do these girls move while talking? People generally aren't statues... they fidget, they move, they pace if they're nervous or talking about something extremely important. Make the characters seem more human and realistic my describing more action, too.
And their expression. You don't describe how they say things half the time; you just say that they said something. Again, this is pretty easy to clear up.
Great chapter you've got here. The pacing lagged a bit in the beginning, but then it picked up soon after.
Keep persisting, love.
Aurora
Timmy here!
Also, something that I think needs to be solidified somewhere, and not by an author's note, but more of who-is-in-command, is that I have always wondered which one is the main character of this story? Technically, you could call it two minds - two very different minds, too - in one body. It's neat that they don't always get along (in fact, I think they get in more arguments than conversations in which they are actually in agreement... And yet they seem to still tie together so well, and be so close (quite literally) of friends. 
Giving you other thoughts.
YAY! You have a Mercy piece! That makes me sooo happy. To be honest, I think I like Mercy a lot more than Layla. She seems to be stronger mentally than Layla is, and is just another totally different personality for this story, and for your narrative, that it's fun to read. I like her sarcasm, her bluntness, and her general callousness... but without being callous, if that even makes sense - which I am sure it doesn't. But anyway. I like this change of perspective, and think it should happen more often.
I am not going to focus on nitpicks this time. Just saying.
One thing that confused me for a little bit was Mercy taking over Layla... And it confused me because I had never seen that before. This is chapter 10 (yayyy! double digits are so awesome) and if Mercy can do that, wouldn't she want and actually do that with their body more often? I mean, wouldn't she want to take control and actually say something to people, act with her body more often. Lets look at it this way: The doctor. When he was having those "therapy sessions" or whatever he called them with Layla, why didn't she ever just say: "Hell with it." and take control of the body and go with it? I mean, she would be a great kick-butt girl when it came to dealing with the situation, so it would actually be neat to see. Also, one more little thing: Who is in charge, then? So far, I have always thought it was Layla, because you know, she has always had control over the body. To be honest, I just thought Mercy was a voice in her head, a double personality - a real second soul and mind, but just occupying the body instead of controlling it. Now I am not saying you shouldn't let her do that. Just do some brainstorming and decide answers to the questions I asked above, and I think have her take control a bit more often, because I know if I could take control of a body, and didn't have one of my own, I would do it as often as I could, even if it meant taking it from someone else. Just a thought. ^.^ Think about it, and add it into your edits when you finish this story.
One thing I think you could have done a bit neater was her entrance into the story. I know you wanted to have us read this without a break in the flow, and that is lovely. There was no break. It just flowed through like melted butter. But... it has been so long since we heard things from her perspective, I think you should have begun with some sort of an introduction... I don't know. Read the Heroes of Olympus, by Rick Riordin. It is a little bit different because he writes third person limited, but you notice each time he begins with another character, he has like an introduction paragraph. Like their thoughts, instead of instantly heading into the dialogue and narration of the story. Just another idea you could work with. One thing you can do is having each individual scene begin and end with the same character, that way there is a natural introduction to the character and the next scene - all in one time. That may be easier, and work better. Again, just another thought. Do with it what you will.
Keep going! I love everyone's personality and how everything is beginning to unfold. Your writing style is becoming a lot more you, as well. Really developing. Nice work, Bella. You are amazing me, here.
~Darth Timmyjake
You have a point about the body control (she did it in Chapter 1 if you can remember that far). I would still say Layla is in charge. Mercy has the decency to ask, so I'd say she respects Layla to a certain extent.
If Mercy kicked the doctor's butt, he'd come down on Layla like a ton of bricks. Somewhere inside, Mercy cares enough not to let that happen.
Thank you for reviewing. I'll see you for Chapter 11!
Hey. Let's have a Double Digits party!
Time for another Mercy chapter!
You can see the dream from her perspective. I suppose you've been waiting for her view of Sara too?