The One That Got Away
Sara
Of course I followed her. Why wouldn’t I? Part of me was doing it out of compassion, led by my heart and not wanting Layla to get lost by herself. There was another more sinister part of me saying that she hadn’t told me everything, and it was unsatisfied with waiting for the rest. It was the part of me that had created the file, the part that seemed to overlook Layla being my niece in order to analyse the facts from a distance. Either way, finding her was imperative.
I thought about both motivations as I searched the streets for signs of Layla. No one had seen her passing by and she could have taken any number of random turns by now. So I did the only thing I could, knowing nothing of where Layla was: I went back to the start…
Drawing on a lifetime’s experience of the ones who run, I looked again for some kind of clue, every minute adding potential distance and changes of route. The unknowns were about to spiral out of control!
I don’t do so well with unknowns.
Layla
I ran full pelt until my chest burned and I had to slow to a walk. The heat of the moment finally wearing off, I took the time to observe my surroundings properly. A surprisingly rich expanse of park unfurled in front of me, looking something like a rough patchwork of grass, picnic blankets and people.
I found myself picking through the people in search of a reasonably secluded spot. Working through this mess would be a one-woman job.
‘Plus me’, remarked Mercy. ‘How ‘bout that weeping willow over there?’
I saw it, and it was as good a place as any.
‘How about it indeed’, I muttered, parting a few of the fronds to get underneath.
As I ducked out of sight, I didn’t let go of the fronds right away, but let them slide through my fingers for a second first. They quickly fell back into place and I made for the willow’s trunk, where I was happy to sit propped up, wrapped in the privacy afforded me by the leafy canopy.
I felt like a blinkered animal under the tree, and actually, for the moment I could understand why it soothed them not to fully acknowledge their surroundings. People… staring… trying to figure me out because I seemed peculiar. Me… sick of it. Now I didn’t have to care.
Mercy didn’t wait long to cut in. ‘What was that this morning?’
‘A bad idea’, I said sharply. ‘I shouldn’t have been so confrontational.’
‘Why’d you just leave?’ It sounded as though Mercy were puzzled. ‘You know Sara’s heart is in the right place.’
‘Because I’m not capable of handling the situation right now!’ I decided to let go of the defence and force myself to be open, meaning I had to simmer down. ‘I made the wrong choice, Merce, like I was afraid I would. Perhaps I wanted to get away from the shame of the fruitless argument I caused.’ It ended up that I had fixed my gaze upon a point in the grass below me, one cheek resting on my curled hand.
‘Hate to break it to ya, but that clearly didn’t work!’ she pointed out, in her usual unsubtle fashion.
I ran my fingers through my hair nervously, dragging it behind my ear. ‘The damage is done. I don’t know what to say to Sara that’ll make it better.’ I tried to say this with some conviction, to help me make peace with the frustrating fact.
‘Imagine if you’d told her more.’ Mercy left a deliberately open silence after that, waiting for me to fill it.
Suddenly it became clear what Mercy was doing, what she’d set out to do from the start of this conversation. Manipulations! She could have just read my thoughts, but she wanted me to outline them so she could totally unpick them and me.
‘I can’t tell her.’ I flinched as soon as I was done saying it.
‘You admitted that you kept things from her, so how do you figure? She has the right to know. I would’ve said the case is the exact opposite.’
‘I’m scared, okay’, I snapped. ‘Seeing that file reminded me how easy it is to mistrust another. It completely freaked me out! I was so sure Sara would never do something behind my back like that, so I started wondering what else I could’ve misjudged…. Maybe she won’t react as calmly as I first thought she might.’
‘Think about how you felt when you found the file, not understanding anything beyond the obvious. You really don’t love Sara enough not to keep her hanging?’ Mercy challenged.
‘Don’t even go there, Mercy!’ I bit back. I would not let her say that. ‘The life I’ve been trying to build is purely based on things that may now be crumbling. If I’m wrong… I don’t even want to think about it. Who would I trust? Where would I go that’s safe?’ My breaths were deep but rapid as I spoke.
‘Sometimes the only option is to take a leap of faith, Layla’, replied Mercy.
‘I’m just saying – what do I know, really? A leap of faith is all well and good, but I can’t even see the ledge!’
‘Hmm…’ Mercy considered her options. ‘No, there’s nothing else for it. Aiden is the root of your trust issues, so in effect he has come between you and Sara. You can either hide away, or GET OVER IT and prove him wrong!’
She had touched a nerve there and she knew it. ‘Well played’, I said.
‘You’re welcome’, she replied smugly. ‘It’s not as if I haven’t had the opportunity to pick up a few tricks in reverse psychology. Are we done here?’
‘I won’t know for sure how she’ll react unless I try telling her’, I reasoned. ‘Guess this means we’re going back. Ah, one small problem –’
Mercy chuckled. ‘It’s okay, I got this. At least one of us was paying attention to her surroundings on the way here.’
Sure enough, Mercy guided me all the way back to Sara’s street. As I approached the off-white door, I admired the adjacent flower planters full of garishly bright geraniums. I hoped the spare key still remained in its usual place underneath the first one, because it appeared that Sara was still out looking for me. She’d be back eventually.
Entering the house, I made a beeline for the cosy study, where a lonely guitar rested against the bowing bookshelf. I concentrated on the little tuning pegs and the task of tuning the instrument by ear. Even though I had spent a long time mastering the art, getting the right pitch was still a deeply absorbing task. A few minutes had slipped away every time I’d finished with a string.
My mind cleared as I plucked and strummed, taking it all out on the frets and strings. A while later I finally set the guitar down with sore fingers, having killed some time as I hoped.
Suddenly, my ears were pricked up by an out of place sound, like a hunted animal sensing something bigger waiting to pounce. The pleasant atmosphere from a moment before just couldn’t be anymore. It was that simple, somehow.
This mysterious omen was none other than the knock that sounded like it was coming from the back door.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,808 Reviews
Hey Bella!
I am back again and ready to review another one of your chapters. I am hoping that you are enjoying writing these, and it really is making the novel good so far. Once again you have addressed the inner conflict and used Mercy and Layla's conversation to he;p address them and think things through a bit more. I liked the discussion and the way Mercy twisted the words to show Sara that she might have been in the wrong back then. I am also starting to see how the future chapters are going to link up to these ones. I also found it interesting to be back in Sara's point of view, if only for a moment. That was one section where I wished we could have een a bit more of it, because it was so short!
Continuing the discussion of Sara's point of view, there was one thing that I didn't like. It seemed like she was talking to us, as readers, instead of really just experiencing the story. That's all fine and all, but I wanted her point of view to be different. It's basically in the same style as Layla's, as if she is constantly talking to someone through narrative and it shouldn't be like that at all. It should be different solely because of the fact that Sara doesn't actually have a Mercy to talk to. So her writing style when working with her point of view should be a bit more formal and like the tradition writing style. Try and make her voice her own and unique to that of Layla's and Mercy's if you are going to be using it.
Like I mentioned in the previous review, Mercy was completely left out of the argument, and now that the fight has been fought we can see she is clearly coming in with her reasoning now. But I couldn't really understand why she didn't say all of this throughout the argument so the general thing could've done better then? Or maybe Layla has the ability to push Mercy and her words away so that she can't hear them when she is angry? I'm not entirely sure, and it is hard for me to understand your reasoning behind this. Maybe alter the story so it works better, or if you want things to remain the way they are you can just tell me your reasoning so I can understand better.
Nitpick time! I will also pull out a few of those moments where I felt like Sara's writing style should be changed.
Here is one of those cases because of the rhetorical question. I feel like it should be something a bit more like 'I followed her because there was nothing else I could do. There was no way I would leave her to her own devices.'
This was one of those moments when I was wondering how Sara knew that no one had seen her passing by. You hadn't mentioned her taking the time to ask any of the people around her if they had seen her, and it's not one of those things you can assume. Make sure you take things in slow steps and show us everything that is happening instead of jumping from one thing to another and expecting the reader to be able to keep up.
Another one of those sentences you can change to make it a bit more formal. Just make the verb not the beginning of the sentence, like so: I focused and drew on a lifetime's experience of chasing the ones who run.
One thing I was wondering about this was why. I wanted to know why you chose to included that particular moment in the novel when there is no reason behind it. If you mentioned thats he ran her fingers through them and let their slippery feel ease her mind as she exhaled and calmed down, then I could understand. That way the reader could relate the moment to her calming down so she could have a less impulsive discussion with Mercy. Make sure all the things you have in your novel are explained or really do move the novel forwards and contribute to it
Another brilliant chapter. I think I have just one more to read to be all caught up, if I am correct? I am looking forward to reading it. Keep writing, Bella. You're always getting better!
Deanie x
Just one more, yes
Nice to hear some new comments!
I included the moment with the fronds for no particular reason. It's just something I would do.
Hey Bella! Finally made it around to review your chapter.
Like the others, I can't say that I thought that the bit at the start from Sara's perspective was really necessary. While it is sometimes cool to see snippets from other characters, I just feel like this didn't add anything to the chapter that we couldn't have gone without. From the earlier chapter it was pretty easy to understand Sara's intentions when it came to looking into Layla's past, and we find out that she is chasing after Layla at the end of the chapter when Layla returns home. So not so effective, in my opinion.
I thought that the dialogue between Mercy and Layla in this chapter was really good. I found it very interesting to read, and I think the relationship between them was evident in a way that really worked. Very engaging dialogue, too, and I think you've got a really good distinction between the characters' voices, which I think for this story is super important, and it was good to see.
The pacing when she gets to the park and then when she arrives back home were also a bit iffy. I thought that you rushed them a little, when they both could have been extended a bit further, give the reader a little more time to digest where they are. Which I guess description would be a big part of. You don't need masses more, just enough to give the reader enough time to orientate themself with the new setting.
I agree that the animal metaphors work well for Layla.
That's about it from me. Another great chapter, just with a couple of things that need a bit of tweaking.
Until next time~
Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!
I'm wondering, why did you add in Sara's POV here? That was definitely unexpected for me. And to be completely honest, I don't like it. It's such a short scene, her running after Layla, and it just doesn't seem to be important. Not to mention it reminds us that Sarah does actually care about Layla and dissolves all of the tension from the previous chapter. Why get rid of that tension? Take advantage. You do explain Sara's real intentions here, but that's something we could've figured out by ourselves, even just assumed. Now we know that she actually cares rather than wondering if she does or not. The mystery is over. I really enjoyed the twist that Sara might not be exactly who we think she is. That's gone now, though.
Just a nitpick.
This is two different actions that you made into one here. When someone runs their fingers through their hair, they go from scalp to the very ends. However when they push it behind their ear it's a much simpler motion. Those two can't really be combined, image wise. It's confusing. Not really a super important thing, but I figured I'd point it out.
You use the word 'deliberately' here twice. A bit repetitive
I'm going to stick with that line I quoted. The way it's written, it seems that Layla knows exactly what Mercy is thinking. She knows without a shadow of a doubt that Mercy deliberately created that silence. Does Layla know all of Mercy's thoughts and actions? I can't remember back to previous chapters (because my memory is terrible xD) but I always thought they were two separate people even though Mercy is all in her had. So with this being in first person from Layla's POV, Layla wouldn't exactly know that the silence is deliberate. Especially since in the next paragraph she thinks she figured out what Mercy was doing, which would show that she doesn't know what Mercy is doing/saying. I'm a real stickler for staying in POV.
But isn't she saying all of this in her head? What would her breathing respond to a conversation in her head?
I'm not a big fan of all capitals in writing. There are so many other ways that you can show that emphasis. With this one, italics would work just fine. The all caps really emphasizes yelling, which I'm sure is what you were going for, but it also looks out of place and sticks out like a sore thumb. You really don't need the caps to get your point across.
Wait, how does she know that Sara is out looking for her? She ran off without a look back, so she wouldn't have seen Sara chasing after her. This is more an assumption than an actual fact.
You use 'tuning' here twice. I suggest taking the part about the pegs out and just say she focused on tuning the guitar.
Overall this is a good chapter. It really reminded me how useful Mercy is. Layla has someone to talk and discuss things with. That means we don't have to sit here and read through all of her thoughts. That wouldn't be as exciting as this conversation she had. It's a creative and different way of showing her inner turmoil.
Oh yeah, I totally agree that the animal metaphors and comparisons work for Layla. She was like a caged animal back at the institution for so many years. And whatever Doc was doing to her was kind of like experimenting on animals. Now she's free from her cage, but she's still on high alert because she still sees herself as prey. I love it.
Alright, on to the next chapter!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Timmy hereee!
I'm just going to head right into it this time, okay? - no opening paragraph, blah-blah. Let's get started.
I read the part with Sara - the quick blip in the beginning that fades away after the first few paragraphs, and after the second read and a bit of thought, I think it should just go away. Consider all the reasons why you would have her POV in there, and for so short. So far I can think of one: to find her motive. But she doesn't find any motive and all that happens in that blip is something the reader would assume for one, or that Layla could look behind her and see. Plus, having such a short piece of narration is a good way for the reader to become distracted and tripped up in the reading of the piece. I'd say cut it and find some other way to slip in the bit of necessary information there to other places in the chapter/book. Without it, the chapter reads smoothly, but still without questions.
I'm noticing a lack of description in this chapter, and not too much - you've always been more concise and simplistic with the description, and a writer the delves more into the emotions of the characters, instead. Which is fine ^^ BUT the reader still needs to have a clear image of what's going on, and as Layla ran, and when she went inside the tree, I didn't see or feel anything. An example is when she worked her way through the crowd to the weeping willow tree far off. You just told us she worked her way through, but didn't show us anything. And that disappointed me a bit because I know you're wonderful at it, and I needed that image and action to see the picture with clarity. So just work on it a bit in the future and remember that in your edits - pay more attention to the descriptions.
This is a contradiction, because deep breaths can't be rapid because, well, they're deep. Those breaths take more time. c:
.... It seems odd for Sara to not be back at the house by then, because all she'd done was run outside and scour the street. It would've take far much longer for Layla to go aaaall the way out to the park, sit there and have her nice conversation with Mercy, and then find their way back. So I think either this needs more touching up on, or perhaps I'm missing something... again. Perhaps her car is gone? Find something to explain her disappearance.
This. Hm. I don't know a lot about guitar, but I have been sort of playing it for the past six months, and I don't know about other people's guitars, but when my guitar hadn't been played in two weeks, it was still in tune - nothing wrong at all. And if I remember correctly, she has already played this guitar? And only a few days ago? So in that case, even if it was slightly out of tune, it wouldn't take so long for her to put it back into tune. Oh, and also, because she has already played it, she knows the guitar - so where the lonely guitar rested.... Also, what does she play as music? There has to be more than just taking it out on the guitar. Music fills people's souls, gives them something to think about, touches their heart, fills a void, etc.... What does it do to her? Tell us, describe the music and the emotions that envelop either as she plays. They're important. :3
... Um, you haven't explained anything that could be hinted as something afoot yet in this chapter, so it tripped me up. A lot. You were ripped into your darkest nightmare by... a knock from the back door? Woah, what is this, a back door to hell? xDD Build upon her emotions and give us a more solid back-wall to lean against with the descriptions and reasons for her to be spun into the nightmare.
And now I'm burning to know who is knocking at the back door. >> Sara would have just walked in through the front door, because it's her house. Last time Dr. Aiden showed up, he came in through the back door... like what's happening now. O.0 HALP. SARA. HALP. This dun sound too good. Ugh, the cliff-hanger you just made. Perfect, because I love and hate it at the same time. This is too evull of you. So now you're going to make me wait... how long again? I hope your next chapter comes out soon, because I'm dying to know what's going to happen.
Beautiful writing, as always. I continue to be entranced by it.
~Darth Timmyjake
I'm sorry about the plot holes...
Thanks for reviewing so quickly!
PS. She played the guitar in the future chapters, so that technically hasn't happened yet (and it won't now I've included it here). :p
PPS. I decided on the "where Layla wakes" situation...
Hey guys!
So, 15 chapters in.... We're about halfway there! Thanks to everyone who has stuck with me thus far.
I think the animal metaphors work for Layla, in a weird way. Not sure why. Thoughts?
The future chapters won't take long to rework, so you'll have no shortage of new IF coming up