Hold On
Layla
Sara and I talked like words were going out of fashion. It felt like we’d need an eternity to say everything. We went through how she’d been during my absence. I heard about her friends and colleagues, some old, familiar sounding names, some new.
Breaching (another) touchy subject area, I asked about Mum, thinking I would like to go home sometime.
Sara went quiet. “I don’t see her much anymore. Every time, going over reminds me of that first visit when you weren’t there. Your stuff was there, as if you’d just vanished into thin air. Kim – your mother – said you’d been acting strange for a while and she was worried you had hurt someone.”
My stomach clenched. Did she…? Didn’t she…?
“I think she said you’d gone off for testing, definitely not where. All I remember is that she didn’t say a lot and she chose her words carefully…”
An internal sigh of relief which I felt down to my core muscles gave me the guts to chance a reply.
“She agreed I needed psychiatric care”, I explained. “Funny sort of care I got. I don’t think she really saw where I was going.”
“Let me guess – nobody did?” asked Sara. She could not have summed it up better.
I nodded silently, realising that whatever conversation we had, it seemed to come back around to me.
“How on earth did he manage that, to have everybody wrapped round his finger?”
I didn’t think she was really asking me. This was her refusal to walk away from an unsolved problem talking, for every question logically had an answer. Didn’t it?
“He loved it – to press all my buttons, had it down to an art. I think he enjoyed getting away with it the most.”
“I meet manipulative people in my job that seem kind of like this Aiden character. Okay, more than kind of”, replied Sara. “You just have to try and ignore them. Don’t let it get to you. Yes, I’m aware how cheesy that sounds.”
“What do you mean don’t let it? He got under my skin long ago.”
Not a day went by where I didn’t wish I’d been less susceptible, that I could’ve used those last reserves of fight. What sounded even more pathetic was that I couldn’t put into words the reasons his advances affected me. It was impossible to explain Doc’s hold.
‘Eloquent though you are’, Mercy chipped in.
That fight could go into staying out of the institution now. After all, I did have some things going for me: smarts, for one and it wasn’t as if I was a truly unlikeable character. Whatever my lack of life experience, better I gain it now because, hey, sixteen is still pretty new in the world.
“Well, I think we pulled an all-nighter”, remarked Sara, drawing back the curtains. Outside was growing light.
“Yeah”, I yawned. “But I’m used to it.”
‘Tomorrow – today, whatever, you need to do something instead of hanging around feeling sorry for yourself’, pushed Mercy, not bothered in the slightest about having butted in. I suppose she didn’t care anymore.
‘What fun stuff can we do?’ she persisted.
‘Can’t you see I’m having another conversation right now?’ I asked. ‘I’m done trying to listen to two people at once. Sorry, but you can wait for just a minute.’
Instantly, I realised the difference in my voice. There was no shakiness, like before. What also leapt out at me was that it got a reaction out of Mercy.
I hadn’t felt sure enough to stand up for myself in a long while. The outside world had different rules that demanded a different approach. It was full of change. An attitude makeover could be just what I needed to navigate it.
Sara and I simultaneously turned to the clock. Six-oh-three, it read. Sara bounced up, the mattress creaking and rippling in her wake.
“Shoot! I have to be at work in an hour, much as I hate leaving you on your lonesome so soon.”
What an unpleasant surprise! It hadn’t occurred to me that Sara worked shifts. She’d often be gone for hours at a time. Best laid plans and all.
“Again, that’s nothing new to me” I assured her, receiving an I’ll-make-it-up-to-you look.
“Caffeine and a shower for me – not necessarily in that order. Do you want anything? Help yourself to the contents of the fridge while I’m out.”
“No thanks. You go get ready”, I replied.
There would be no swaying her; I knew how Sara felt about lying… When I was younger, it always made me nervous and that was no less true now.
As Sara left the room, I addressed Mercy. ‘Right, you were saying? Now you can have my full attention.’
‘What do you wanna do today, especially now we’ll be on our own?’
‘Well, I wanted to take a long, hot, bubbly bath. Perhaps we should get out of the house, see what we’ve missed.’
‘Works for me.’
Before too long, the sound of the kettle boiling was discernable. The thrum of running water from the shower followed soon afterward.
I leaned into the wall behind me, closed my eyes and welcomed the exotic bliss of freedom. Thinking about a day to myself, just for me, was completely foreign. There was so much I missed, so many new things I wanted to try, that I was only brought back to Earth by the absence of the shower’s droning.
A few minutes later, Sara came to say goodbye, dressed in smart-casual work clothes. Her shoulder-length hair looked presentable even though it was damp and had seen minimal grooming. With a glossy shade of chocolate brown like that, I should hope it looked as good.
“I’ll be on again tomorrow night, but home all day. After tomorrow, I have two days free”, said Sara. “Tell you what – tomorrow we’re going shopping. I should be fine if I get a few hours rest and you need new clothes.”
“I’d love to go out shopping.”
“That reminds me, some of my stuff might be okay for you to borrow for now rather than putting what you’ve got back on. Alright, I promise I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
“Bye!”
“Kick bad guy butt!” we said in unison, which made us both giggle.
‘Just like old times’, I thought as I listened to Sara descend the stairs and the rustle of her sorting her handbag. Finally, I heard the door close.
I didn’t waste time getting out of bed, not wanting to stay still any longer. For a bit, I walked around the house, taking in each room.
The house was generally clean, slightly cluttered, but it seemed there was a system to the arrangement. The communal rooms, like the living room and the kitchen, were open enough to make use of the space, but not so much that it didn’t feel secure and cosy. It was furnished with deep, rich colours throughout.
There definitely would be no shortage of reading material either. Amongst textbooks and non-fiction, Sara had good taste in the not so heavy genres. I made a note to have a closer look later as I proceeded up the stairs to go and run that bath I mentioned…
As I sank into the bathwater’s warm, foamy embrace, everything started to relax, the way it does when you’re completely at ease. Getting out of the clothes I ran away in was like stepping out of that zone where all I could think of was the past. I could just enjoy now and let the past stay there.
The skin on my fingers and toes had pruned by the time I climbed out. My reflection looked a lot better cleaned up. I looked perfectly ordinary on the outside aside from the ugly marks round my wrists.
On the inside, I was shaken up, bottled up and trying to share. All the worst scars lay below the surface, underneath the skin deep normality.
I didn’t suppose I was the first case of this, or that I would be the last.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,808 Reviews
HAHA. Never in my life have I heard that line but I love it.
In the third to last paragraph or section. The second sentence in that line. After better but a comma.
Chapter 10 & 11 because I haven’t go much to say about chapter 10...
10
Woah - you’ve got a lot of voices going on here. I’m confused as to who I’m reading at what times. Remember, that even though you know exactly who is speaking and when. Your readers are as clued into your characters! Just check that it will all make sense to everyone else.
This is the only part of the last section that I really liked. The rest of it felt a bit like you were trying to think for the reader by suggesting questions that we should be asking ourselves. Don’t worry! We’re definitely thinking all of these things all on our own
11
I feel like you don’t need the ‘another’ in brackets. It doesn’t work with the sentence.
I don’t like the phrase ‘lonesome’. It feels text talky but thats just my opinion, of course.
Love Love Love this line! Beautifully written.
Remember that she got taken to the asylum when she was so young! You could explore the fact that she’s learning to become a young woman. She can’t have ever had to run a bath for herself before even though she watched her Mother do it a thousand times. And she’s never before picked her own clothes out so the thought of shopping with her aunt must be even more exciting and nerve wracking at the same time! An almost completely new person has come back into the normal world…
Next.
Olive <3
Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!
I'm not sure how I feel about the word 'another'. When words are put in parentheses or between commas, it's basically saying that that word doesn't have to be in the sentence. But if you take out the word 'another' here, the sentence doesn't make sense at all. I'd suggest just keeping the word in there or taking it out and just saying it's a touchy subject.
The part about Kim being her mother really isn't needed. I mean, it's nice for us to know that her mother's name is Kim, but Sara doesn't need to tell her that. Layla already knows that.
So Layla is free and finally getting a day to herself to relax. That's a good thing. She definitely needs time to do that. After all she's been through, she deserves it too. It'll be interesting reading about her experience living with Sara because it's going to be totally different. The Layla we know is terrified of Doc and hates living in that place. Now she's going to be a different person. It's kind of like we're learning about her in reverse. Usually we'd get to see how she was before the asylum, but we started out there. So now we get to see how she is really, with nothing to worry about.
But she doesn't have nothing to worry about, does she? She just broke out of a hospital that she wasn't cleared to leave from. That's something serious. Someone is going to be out there looking for her. I mean, she's gone missing. And whether or not the place and Doc are corrupt, they're going to be looking for her. I'm a bit surprised that she hasn't at least considered this. I think she had thought about it when she first escaped, but after that she just seems to act like there's nothing that can happen to her now. I'm not saying that she had to go around scared for her life, but it's something I feel like she should think about.
We get to learn more about Layla and her feelings towards Doc and what happened in that place in this chapter. I think that's great. There always needs to be those handful of chapters where we learn things and get a deeper understanding of what is/has been going on. It's like the reveal all stage of the novel. Right now we're at the point where Layla has escaped something terrible and is trying to figure out how to stay out of it. We get a bit of rest from the action here. It's a good change of pace.
I really like how we see Layla changing here. She actually told Mercy to be quiet and let her talk by herself. That's like, a huge step! Before this she seemed almost afraid of Mercy, if not tentative about holding her back. Now she has this new found confidence and can speak for and take care of herself. I'm interested to see how this will effect their relationship. Obviously Mercy is used to being around more so if Layla is able to do things without her, it might not sit too well with her. We shall see.
Overall this is a great chapter. I really can't wait to see what happens next! I can only imagine Doc sitting there in his little office, brewing over the fact that one of his patients got away. I have this silly false hope that he'll just let her go, but I know that's not going to happen. It's only a matter of time before he goes out looking for her. That'll be interesting to see.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hello again! I'm not sure how much I'll have to contribute in terms of a review in regards to this chapter that hasn't already been pointed out. I'll just ramble on about my thoughts and hopefully it'll be somewhat helpful.
I did like this chapter. It definitely helped to develop the relationship between Layla and Sara, and I'm definitely starting to warm to her. I liked the fact that you did give more insight into Sara's life, as well as giving some clues to how life had been before she was in the institution. There was an element of lightness to it that's been missing, and there was a real sense of hope. This was the chapter where I ultimately did get the sense of Sara's place being a safe haven for Layla. Obviously, that makes me even more concerned for the future.
Something didn't quite sit right with the way Layla's been talking about her state of mind... I don't know if you maybe need Layla to be more reluctant to talk, or seem more shaken... she just seems a little too blasé, which I guess could be a symptom of shock... I guess what I'd like to see is a little more inner reflection on Layla's part when Sara's asking about her experience. Layla's been locked away for years with minimal interaction with others - aside from Aiden, and he's hardly someone to have a normal conversation with - soI think that there could be more of a struggle for her to adapt. This chapter was great, but I think you could maybe create a more... difficult build up, with Layla having to 'fight her demons' more, so to speak, if that makes sense. Don't be afraid to give her some good ol' inner turmoil.
That's about all from me for now. See you at the next chapter!
Hi there Bella!
Now that is something which makes me really happy 
As well as that, here we have another chapter which is one of your best. There are few mistakes in it technically, less than usual, and the chapter has some very meaningful content in it as well. I liked the idea of Layla having time for herself and reveling in the fact that she didn't have to answer to anyone in particular anymore. It must be great to be feeling so free at the moment. I also liked the idea of Layla standing up for herself a bit more, even if it is to Mercy who should probably know her like the back of her hand since they have lived together forever. You did mention that we would be seeing a bit more of Mercy, though, and I didn't really get that feeling here? Which was disappointing. I hope we see a lot more of Mercy soon.
Woot! I am finally all caught up
Also, one thing that you really need to remember is the urgency and suspense in the story. We have a sense of suspense because we know that Doc is likely to be looking for Layla and won't ever let her go - this search might even become something obsessive for him seeing as torturing her could've been seen in that context. So what I think you need to do is leave little reminders in happy chapters such as these that the Doc is on her trail. Make her turn on the television and see the police on the news searching for an escapee mental hospital patient. Let her hear Doc's voice coming from the telly begging her to please bring herself in. Little things like that could remind the reader of the urgency and suspense in the story so we don't forget it.
Speaking of this, Sara said that they will go shopping tomorrow. But does Sara really want her to be going out into public, in an open area where she might be recognized when she is wanted? I doubt that would be a good idea, and Doc would be on their trail in minutes. I do believe this is something both Sara and Layla would think of before they went. Is there a way to dodge around this? Disguises? Would it work. Consider some ways to go around dodging this little plot hole.
Change that comma to a semi colon. On the end there, that doesn't stand as a complete sentence on it's own. In some cases that is perfectly fine, but be careful that you don't do it too much.
I feel like Layla's reaction to this could've been a bigger one. I mean, yes Sara is trying to be nice and helpful and all. She even mentions that this a bit cheesy herself. But I feel like Layla would come back and say 'ignore the electric shocks he sent through my body? Ignore him torturing me? Somehow I find that very hard to ignore!' Because even though Sara is giving some sound advice, it seems like petty advice in this situation, and event though Layla does like Sara, I believe she would call it out here.
One more thing is that Layla's attitude suddenly changes. Yes, this self respect does come with freedom and the ability to suggest things and notice that most people will listen now, at least between the two she is surrounded with. But I felt like there could've been a bit more about why she had managed to change just there and then! What was it about that moment that made her answer differently than usual? You could just say she was so tired of listening to two people and wanted to give Sara the attention she deserved, so she said that to Mercy. Or maybe Layla realized that she didn't have to listen to anyone and could suggest things herself, hence the same amount of dialogue. Dig into the reasoning a bit more!
You have a little problem with punctuating dialogue tags. Yes, the piece always needs a comma at the end, and you usually have it there. But you have it outside of the speech marks. It should really be inside them.
"Like this," Deanie said.
"Not like this", Deanie said.
I think you should cut the three words 'a lot better' because the sentence would seem more strong with them.
I don't understand what you mean there at the end? Trying to share what? With whom?
All in all, loved it! Almost as much as I love the fact that I am all caught up! Looking forward to anymore posts you have for us ;D
Deanie x
Trying to share with Mercy.
I have had so many comments on the commas. It works both ways and I learnt it that way.
Thanks for your awesome review.
PS. You missed chapter 10, which is Mercy. Tears Dry On Their Own, it's called.
Oh really?
Oops, I better go back and review it
Anyone could've done it. There are a lot of chapters there.
Timmy here!
So you talk about a lot of character development in this and it's only purpose being for that aforementioned fact? I say you accomplish a lot more than simply character development, and here's why: We learn a lot more about Sara and her work and how everything runs. We see that Layla and Mercy are alone in the house. They talk about her past, and what they can do about her future. So, really, this chapter moves just fine. And think about it. What is the purpose of a story, really? They say there is only one objective in fiction: Who am I. To tell the reader a story about a person, and bring the character in close to the reader. That is the purpose, and you just brought it closer to me in this chapter. So well done. ^.^
Let's talk about some stuff before I leave.
So in this chapter, we learn a bit about her past, and how she got into the testing place - or whatever it's called. But some things are still nebulas for me when I think they should be pretty clear, especially when they are talking like "words were going out of fashion". So let me talk about this for a moment. Her mother said they had gone off for testing, right? Or something similar... physchiatric care, or whatnot. How does that work? I know you probably have this all thought out and stuff, but when I think about it, it sure seems weird for any mother to send their child into a situation like that, and then never go back. Never check on her to make sure things are okay. And if the parents can know about it and send their child in, then wouldn't the authorities know about it, as well? I mean, if the parents can just send their child into this institution, then it must be legitimate - which means that the government would be checking on them and other things. In short, if the parents know about it and can send their child in, then I think the entire world could know. Or perhaps the entire world does know and they hide behind a mask of goodness, all the while Aiden is going about his business, wrecking havoc and destroying rather than helping? Another possibility. Whatever the case, make sure that it is explained well and no one is left clueless or even with a smidgeon of doubt by the end. It can sure take the book from the reader, if you get what I mean.
Anywho.
Is Layla stronger? I would say my answer is yes. I mean, just look at how she responded to Mercy! Normally, when she is talking to someone else and Mercy interrupts, she just goes and tries to listen to all of the people at the same time. Not so with this chapter. She forces Mercy to be quiet - quite the feat if you ask me! - and talks soley to Sara, and learns a lot about her and how she works, and who she is while she's at it. It seems as though, while Layla is still possessing very vivid memories of her past, she seems to be a somewhat different person, or at least on that journey. She doesn't look at things as she used to, and she doesn't talk to Mercy or anybody like she used to. She is slowly becoming a stronger person, and I like how you go about this change. It isn't sudden, I think. The change is very subtle and if you just read and don't pay attention to the details, you almost don't see it, but just move with Layla - so she changes, but you just don't notice it happening, just the character. But she is changing as we go along. Like I said, very subtle. But it happens. Mercy, of course, is just the same and I love her attitude. One thing I did find very strange was how Mercy didn't talk or anything while Layla was in the bathtub? I mean, Layla is sure enjoying herself here, lounging in the bathtub and stuff, but Mercy is just sitting there in her boredom... doing nothing. Perhaps she could say something, which prompts Layla to get out? I dunno. It just seemed a little strange for me when I read through this. One thing I have learned about Mercy: she is never silent, and she is always has a big mouth. Always. One of her qualities, I think.
I don't know what else to say here.... This is your best chapter so far, and you do an amazing job with keeping everyone super interested (or at least me so far) and keeping everything moving - even when not a lot is happening, but more internal changes.
Well done. Very well done. I am looking forward to the next part. Action, you say? Never a bad thing.
~Darth Timmyjake
Hi all. I'm excited that I finally deemed this complete.
So, not a lot happens. I was focusing on Layla and her... emotional situation. Something had to click, I believe.
You'll see if it sticks next chapter when I expose her to a setting with new people. Lots more going on then.