This Is The Life
(Part II: It’s not for me)
No… time… to… catch… breath…
Heart… pounding… In a normal situation, I would have probably passed out.
‘I can’t believe you talked me into this’, I told Mercy
‘Can I confess something?’ she asked, ‘me neither…’
In the rec room at that moment, the atmosphere felt extremely precarious. No one was moving much at all.
‘Layla, I’ll put it simply. You need to leave – there can’t be anything worth staying here for’, Mercy protested.
‘Try telling that to Aiden right now’, I replied, still keeping one eye on him from my spot on the stage. ‘Weren’t you listening to me? I have no plan. I wish I did…’
‘MAYBE I’M FULL OF IDEAS!’ shouted Mercy. ‘You don’t have to work it all out by yourself y’know.’
‘Alright – let’s hear some of these ideas, then’, I challenged.
‘I’ll begin with leaving this room and its awkwardness behind.’
Sure enough, she took the reins, climbed off the stage, and walked straight past Doc with just a minor air of smugness. He did not look so impressed, but he let us go for the time being.
‘I don’t have any more ideas at present, but we have to try’, Mercy said afterwards.
We knew it wouldn’t be sensible to just leave right away, so six months passed by before The Escape actually seemed feasible. For both of us, they were probably the longest six months ever.
Finally, one evening, Mercy said, ‘Now or never… I dare you to leave it to me.’
The events that occurred next seemed to happen in an instant, though I can describe them.
I asked her if she had any idea what she was doing as she neared the door marked ‘Personal Effects’. She assured me that she did, sounding offended that I’d enquired.
She paced up and down in front of the door for a minute, trying to act restless in case we should be seen.
Proving that she’d given this more thought than I’d given her credit for, Mercy began stuffing a dark set of clothes into the pilfered backpack. It didn’t take her long to find the right size. Our time on laundry duty, putting away this stuff once it was clean, had paid off.
To prevent the clothes and whatnot in the room getting too musty, there was a fairly large air vent in the wall. Air vents have to end up outside a building at some point – perfect!
Luckily for us, someone’s temper tantrum had resulted in it being kicked in today. This opportunity would soon be gone, so it had to be tonight.
Mercy peeled off the tape holding the cardboard blockade in place over the hole, leaving the silver shaft exposed. Thrusting the bag in first, she squeezed herself inside…
A few wrong turns later, our goal was in sight… at last! The vent had led us outside!
All of a sudden there came a high pitched screeching. An alarm. They knew we were gone already.
‘So we have to be gone already!’ quipped Mercy as she elbowed the mesh cover blocking the way. By the time it eventually gave, I detected several voices in the courtyard… looking for us.
She let the bag drop down first, then followed it, landing with a soft thud on the grass below. Swinging the backpack over one shoulder, Mercy made a break for the wire fence. I spied the loose section she was aiming to crawl under as someone grabbed us from behind.
Their hands were too big to be Doc; somehow that mattered.
Mercy complied for a moment, so only the one orderly was required to hold her. After a few steps, she put on a burst of speed and rammed her attacker backwards into the wall. The impact winded the attacker and they let go. Mercy dived under the fence in what seemed like the blink of an eye before someone else could apprehend her. However this was not before we heard Doc come out the front door.
“What’s going on? For heaven’s sake, get her!’ he roared at the orderlies gathered by the wall. They immediately snapped into action. So did Mercy.
‘Layla, directions please. Go’, Mercy said, letting me take over once she’d stood up.
As I heard the front gate open I ran for it, pulse racing, the noise of cars – the road – getting louder. I ended up on a side road that I discovered opened out onto what looked like a high street, lined with shops and food places.
Making sure I wasn’t being followed anymore, I slipped into the nearest restaurant and through to its restroom, where I could change in one of the cubicles. I left the bathroom in my acquired clothing, with my hair pulled back too for good measure.
I contemplated the situation. In short, we had no money, no food or drink, not even a place to stay for the night and my feet were sore after having run without shoes. Not to mention the bad guys on our tail.
‘Where are we headed? We can’t just wander aimlessly all night –’ said Mercy, decidedly anxious.
‘Can I work out where we are first?’ I snapped, ‘I know nothing beyond that we’re in the UK.’
I really should’ve mentioned that earlier but, technicalities – now?
A second look at the skyline ahead as we walked struck me speechless. There was no mistaking the Big Wheel.
‘Oh my god, Mercy, that’s the London Eye! We literally could not have been luckier.’ I could’ve almost cried with joy.
‘Huh?’ Mercy sounded confused.
‘Do you remember my aunt?’ I asked.
‘Sara – the detective?’ she replied, ‘vaguely.’
‘Yes. She was living in East London, working with the Metropolitan Police. What do you say we go look for her?’
Did we know if Sara would still recognise me?
Did we know if she was even still there?
The answer to both those questions was no, but as you may have noticed, we were desperate. We both deemed it worth a shot.
‘East London it is, then…’
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,808 Reviews
Ah, the action! The excitement!
As always, the plot is moving forward with extreme bravado. It seemed a bit too easy to break out, but you may or may not have done that on purpose. Anyway, the suspense is successfully rising!
As for your style, it's amazingly thoughtful yet again. This is my favorite:
You do an excellent job of putting the reader into Layla's perspective, and that's really what teh story's all about. While I would've liked a bit more environmental detail (I mean, it's her first time seeing this in years), I'll assume you're putting it in at some point soon. The thought-flow is excellent yet again here. Imagery always helps for an environment, and there's a whole laundry-list of metaphors for fresh air.
I feel like dialogue could be a bit more realistic, but it's not so important here.
As for the characterization, it's naturally good from their perspective. Not much to say about it here, but you haven't broken character either, so that's good.
Overall, while this is a shorter chapter, it still holds up to the standards you've set. You could improve dialogue or setting, but the characters and plot remain lovely and probably shall for a long time. Cheers!
-Chaser
HAHA, I...laughed...at...this...part.
I’m going to do chapter 7, part 1 & 2 as one review! Makes more sense to me that way.
PART 1
I think it could do with a more detailed explanation about what happened in the morgue, why the doctor left her down there - what was he trying to get through to her? That she can’t beat him? That he can put her where ever he wants? That she will end up there if she doesn’t do as he says?
At the moment, the trip to the morgue feels a little redundant as he’s just let her out again. No drama. No agreements or terms.
Who is the blonde girl? A nurse? A patient?
I like Layla and Mercy’s relationship now. I wasn’t so sure at first but you’ve developed it nicely.
I like that you showed Layla as a little more independent from Mercy. She is her own person too.
PART 2
They’re just leaving?! Why haven’t they tried in the past? Am i missing something?
I like that Mercy has taken over control fro the escape. It shows that you have given her the more dominant, daring and confident personality. It’s really good for keeping up the relationship between the two girls.
I think the ‘get her!” could be in uppercase to really emphasise the roared.
Oooo I feel that Aunt Sara could be a twist just waiting to happen!
NEXT!
Olive <3
Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!
About time I got back to this. Sorry for the long break between reviews. Life and all that, ya know?
Hm. I'm not sure how I feel about this, writing this with ellipses that is. I feel like it sort of breaks the flow of the chapter. I get that you're trying to set the pace for what's going on, but it slows it down a lot. Not to mention, you'll get the same effect if you just write the words regularly in a sentence. Unless you make it into thoughts; then the ellipses would work well.
I really like how you mention Layla and Mercy as 'us' and 'we'. It really shows us how close they are to each other. I mean, they're basically the same person. I can't really remember if you did this in previous chapters or not (my memory is terrible, seriously), but I figured I'd mention it since it really stood out to me here. Very nice
Were they the longest six months ever or not? I feel like that's not something that can be kind of the longest six months. It either was or wasn't. Not to mention, the word 'probably' makes it seem like they're just as unsure about it as we are. And it's always nice to have the characters be absolutely certain about things like that.
Ooooooh, the escape, huh? *rubs hands together* Let's get 'er done!
Yay! They're finally free! Now onto finding a new life for themselves. I wonder if Doc will come after them now. It would be pretty hard for him to do so without admitting that he let them escape or without mentioning anything about what goes on in that asylum. It'll be tricky business, but I think he'll find a way to make it happen.
I only have one concern, if you will, about all of this. It's only the seventh chapter and they've already busted out. I feel like that's too early for them to go. Then again, maybe the story is really about them finding a life on the run more than their life in the asylum. Who knows. Guess I'll have to read on to find out!
Sorry for such a short review. I really, really enjoyed this chapter and didn't have much to tell you that you could work on. Great job!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thanks. I was running out of steam with the asylum. It would have been more of what I'd already written, so I thought they needed to make a break for it.
Other than that, you'll have to read on, like you said...
PS. Next chapter has a new character. The wait is over!
PPS. You're almost there!
You'll like Sara. That's all I can say without spoiling anything.
Hi there Bella!
And this definitely was a big chapter for Mercy and Layla, because now they are free and out here! I wonder if Sara will be able to take them in or not. Even though they have been in that place for such a long time, it must be pretty amazing to be out, and they definitely did get lucky. But we do know that Doc and the officals won't stop here. They are likely to keep following these people until they are found. So, I think the adventure ahead is all laid out for us and you've managed to increase the tension and suspense. I wonder where they will go or what will happen next!
After you mentioned what a big chapter was waiting for me, I knew I just had to read it soon! So here I am
Whoa, that was a way to skip a long period of time! I want to know, what were they do for those six months? Maybe mention they spent six months planning and organizing to make this escape possible. Also, it seems a little bit too convenient for them that the airway shaft cover was kicked in just on the exact day they needed it to be. If that hadn't happened, who knows, they might've had to wait a whole six months more. My suggestion is that they provoke the anger attack as part of their plan on the person who then goes and kicks the shaft cover in. It seems a bit more realistic that way, and we'd also get to see how they did this!
I find it hard to believe that there is an asylum for crazy people right in the heart of London. Seeing as London is such a touristic site they would be more likely to move things like asylums and prisons more towards the countryside, where the people and noise can't bother the other people going about their daily lives. So, I doubt they would ever have her asylum anywhere near there. But maybe, if you move the asylum to the countryside they could hitch hike a ride to London's center?
I wonder, how does it feel when Mercy takes over her body? It must feel different or strange to be there, but not controlling the body and basically seeing how Mercy feels for the majority of the time. I am also curious, is there some tingling or does the body freeze up during the moments of transition, or does it all happen smoothly? I wanted to know, and I think if you gave us a bit more description here it would be lovely. Seeing as we don't share bodies with people, at least we can read about them!
I also wanted to know more of Layla's thoughts. She is finally free, away from the cruel ruling of Doc and the horrid place where she had never celebrated her birthday. Where she had craved for her parents. And now she had left it all behind and although she had nothing here she was happier. So explain her emotions at this current moment and how she feels about it. Characters are not puppets, they need you to breathe life into them
Also, after being confined to the asylum for so long, wouldn't the outer world be so busy, so dirty and so... loud in comparison? Remember, Layla hasn't heard this racket since she was a carefree nine year old. So what are her emotions and opinions now that she is released back into the world of things she left behind? Emotions can become a key part in this chapter and make it a much better story!
Also, wouldn't there be people staring at her as she ran into the restaurant with her wearing her apron from where she previously was. And wouldn't people still be wearing now seeing as she is wearing no shoes. Seeing as we are in the UK, I doubt anyone would go up to them and say anything, but knowing them they would definitely look. Definitely.
I don't have anything more to say that Timmy hasn't pretty much covered. He is a reviewing whirlwind, that person. I hope my review can still be helpful, regardless ^^
Deanie x
One word: rewrite. Will do. I apologise for the plot holes. Thanks for your honesty.
Next chapter introduces Sara...
Hello again!
Quick confession: I didn't actually find any quibbles that haven't been pointed out. Make sure you always have the comma (or full stop, or whatever's applicable) before the talking marks and you're golden. So this review is probably going to be on the short side.
Maybe there's an element of my own personal taste playing in here, but I definitely preferred this chapter to the previous one. You still need to extend the scene a bit further, and heighten the emotions - make it more tense, and feel like the chances of Mercy and Layla escaping is good, then bad, then they escape, if that makes any sense at all. Your chapters (especially the more recent ones, I can't say I really noticed the length of the early ones) are very short, which isn't a problem necessarily, but it is true that for a pivotal scene like this, it wouldn't hurt to make it a little longer. Chapter length is a personal preference, and sometimes short chapters can be effective, so I'm not criticising the length so much. But I do think if you go back and edit this once it's done, you could probably extend the chapters a little by adding more detail. In your first draft, they're all right for now.
I like that the story's moving along now. It was a little rushed, but not to a 'blink and you miss it' extent. This does feel like a very good place to move Mercy and Layla out of the Doc's clutches,even momentarily, and give them new trials to face. I think you've got a really strong sense of plot and timing here, so keep the story progressing like this and it'll be awesome.
See you at chapter 8! I'm nearly caught up!
Thanks. Like I told timmy, I've not actually written an escape scene before.
In my head, I was trying to work out how they would bust out and it kind of came together. I get that it was rushed a bit but I worked on the premise that they were escaping with very little time to stop if you know what I mean.
Right, see you ar Part 8. New character, finally!
Hello, BellaRoma, nice to meet you! I am wisegirl22, and I am here to review. Obviously.
What is the thing with the lack of punctuation? And no commas after those apostrophes. Also, replace that comma in the second line, the one after "asked", with a period.
"‘I can’t believe you talked me into this’, I told Mercy
‘Can I confess something?’, she asked, ‘me neither…’"
No commas after those apostrophes. If this appears anywhere else, you can fix it, I'm sure.
"...there can’t be anything worth staying here for’,"
"It's" should be "its". And is this a flashback? If so, give an indication that it is.
"I’ll begin with leaving this room and it’s awkwardness behind."
And the ellipsis at the end is unnecessary, just change those into a period. I think you have a great plot and better characters, just keep developing them. I'm confident you'll write more than I think you will, yes?
-wisegirl22
Timmy here!
I believe we are going somewhere with this story now--so fast, in fact. They went from being completely abducted, in chains, in a facility--whatever you want to call it--to being completely in the free, away from their captors. Good job with the emotions and the transferring actions from character to character but still establishing that its the same person. I felt as though it flowed right through, each character allowing the other to do the task they were best at, and then taking charge when their time came. Layla still seems in command and the more dominant of the pair, but Mercy has her moments when she takes the helm--leaving Layla with no choice but to follow her without complaining. Or, at least we hope without complaint.
I think I understand what you are trying to accomplish. And what you are trying to do is feasible, and actually quite easy to obtain if done properly, but not in this fashion. You were trying to give the reader of more of a mental breath than physical, right? Kind of like being closed in and can't get a breath.
So I think you need to just cut this out and make this short sentence more like a thought. So maybe like a paragraph where Layla/Mercy is thinking about being closed in, mention that she is having a hard time getting a breath.
If its a physical deal, and its the actual deal of catching breath, then you should go about it the same way. Show that she is short of breath and trying to catch it, rather than merely telling us. That is always better, and is more enjoyable of a read.
So this next part is going to be just me talking, and you are gonna need to grab a blanket for this one, because you need to get warm. And some hot chocolate. yusss.
So I thought this entire chapter was a little too sudden and fast-paced. So far, judging by the rest of your writing (parts 1-7) you have a medium-paced style, with varying speeds as we go through. Sometimes it speeds up a little bit, but sometimes it goes very slowly--like the conversations you have with Mercy and Layla. This chapter seemed like it was just bam! and they had escaped and were in the clear.
Doing lists has been my thing for the past few weeks, so here we go!
1) When doing action, (such as the scene where Layla and Mercy are escaping, and men are running after them) remember that this isn't an Action Movie. There needs to be thoughts, little moments of stillness where your reader can slow down, take a breath, come out of the action for a minute and settle in the character's head. Just a moment. And then back into the action for another bout. Just remember to stagger action with description, thought, etc... Having something action-packed is great, and there is a place for a long action scene with big fights and escapes, but don't forget to show your characters' emotions through thought and dialogue. Hint, screaming
2) I know I mentioned pacing a little while back in this review, but let me touch on it one more time. I love your pacing in many places, conversations with your characters especially. It makes me look at it and just hope I can learn conversational pacing like you do! But when it comes to action, and thought, you seem to be more like a lightning streak. Your ideas are like shooting stars. So many of them, and all of them so wonderful and unique, and yet you touch on them so little, it makes me sad.
Let this sentence be an example. So you have a very good thought there, a concern of your character coming to the light. But you are missing something added onto it. You need to expand on this idea, and extrapolate more. For instance, you could touch more on how long it's been since you saw her, or maybe you don't remember how long its been. Something that really solidifies the idea in your reader's mind that you don't really know this person very well, if at all.
3) Strive to show, rather than tell. This is something that is hard to find, and sometimes hard to fix--but with you and your talent, I think it will be an easy fix. You have it in small bits, not too big of a deal, but definitely something you may want to work on as you go through this book. Let this sentence below be your example.
You are telling use that the answer to these questions were both a no. You need to show it to us. Make us see the reason why the answer is no. There are dialogues in-between characters, thoughts about past times--the possibilities are endless there. You just need to strive for show, rather than telling.
All in all, I really enjoyed this chapter. I thought it was solid and yet flowing--if that even makes sense. Your characters are becoming a lot more defined as we go through, and I am beginning to love or hate them--depend on the person, of course. The doctor becomes even more despicable as this story continues.
~Darth Timmyjake
Thanks. The next chapter is coming soon.
As to pacing, I said it all happened in a blur, I imagined it happening really fast. This is the first escape scene I've written. It'll slow down next chapter.
Get ready to meet Sara...
I will! yay! I am excited!