Leave Me Alone (I’m Lonely)
During the day, the eye watering glare of fluorescent lights beat down on us. The curious illumination endowed all beneath it with pallor similar to that in a sun bleached photograph. The institution was alive, and minute by minute it moved fluidly on. Patients streamed through the corridors mumbling to themselves, their paths crossing and re-crossing. Everything outside their own little realities was dead to them. At ten pm, everyone began retreating to their designated cell, no longer drawn out by the gravity of the counterfeit electric sun. The lights were about to be turned out.
Every day, like clockwork, this routine rotated on and on. Mercy lay unmoving in bed, providing for once an impression of stillness, of calm. The swiftness of the day had stagnated. In the blinding, inky darkness it was now her time. She drummed her fingers on her abdomen thoughtfully.
‘Layla, you there?’ she called into the space inside my head.
‘As ever.’
Mercy left a period of silence before she released her next words. ‘I know I don’t always act right. I’m also aware that at times I can be a right mouthy bitch. I say things I don’t mean...’
‘I’d be lying if I said none of that was true’, I replied, ‘but at least the only one aware of it is me. You slip through the net.’
She sat bolt upright and spread her arms to indicate the entire cell. ‘You call this slipping through the net!’ Mercy exploded. ‘I’ll be damned if I don’t understand consequences far too well.'
‘Yes, but these consequences are for me’, I started, before I was abruptly cut off.
‘Shut up!’ yelled Mercy. ‘I am you! All I came from was what was already there. You’re creative - I’m just another of your works.’ She barely paused for breath. 'Sure you get blamed for what I do. Sure I'm never alone, but I'm still the B side of this record. God, you must be suffering, but don’t forget I’m sitting here watching it happen. It’s doubly hard for me. What’s going on is impossible to ignore, but what can I do about it? It’s enough to drive a girl mad.’ Tears now pricked up in her eyes, threatening to flood their midnight blue irises.
We were alone; I had to be the one to console her. ‘You care, Merce. No one empathises with me the way you do. You can’t knock that.'
‘Empathy...’ Mercy tried out the word, letting its meaning wash about her while it lingered. ‘Does that make me… human?’ On the outside she was silent, breathing evenly. There was nothing out of the ordinary to see. On the inside, she picked up the thread of conversation.
‘How do you define being human?’ she asked. ‘Does the word even apply to me? It feels weirdly unnatural and forced when I say it. I’m scared it doesn’t stretch that far, Layla.’
I remained silent, stupefied by this emotional outburst so vibrant underneath Mercy’s cool, dead still surface. Any impressions I had formed that she was high and dry shattered like brittle metal as she shivered with cold, just as vulnerable as me, or indeed anyone else in this place.
Mercy feared a lack of human touch, but, ironically, she had never seemed more human. For a moment, it felt like two minds might touch. I felt for her and nothing else.
‘Shush! Stop.’
Holding our breath in unison, and really listening out, the unmistakeable echo of footsteps could be heard with facility. The regular beat grew louder as they approached. Maybe they would move on in their measures of four and bypass me. No such luck.
The tempo of steps decreased just outside. Someone was coming to check on us. Mercy flopped down onto the bed and went about rearranging the covers. She now finally seemed to notice the stiffness and aches that remained in her muscles. I had walked back to the cell with that.
Fear stalked the night, turning my blood to ice as the still air resonated with the sound of a key turning. Mercy had buried her head under the pillow, tensed and going against every instinct to move out of reach. It took a painfully long time for him to cross the room.... Who else could it be? His deliberate, muffled footfalls counted down ever so slowly as he proceeded.
‘Why does he do this?’ whispered Mercy. ‘He's not even pretending it’s a bed check. I’ll bet you he’s come to gloat.’
I felt her close herself off; tonight she would no longer speak so candidly. I had spent much of my time here hiding like that. It was heartbreaking to witness, but such an encounter required no less.
'No way am I going to give him evidence you’re crazy’, she insisted. ‘The last thing he needs is more ammunition.’
He gave an experimental prod, waiting for a reaction Mercy was determined not to give him.
The doctor took one final punt. “Good night darling”, he said with an audible smile, as he backed off. There was the tiniest sound of a kiss being blown, carrying a blatancy that set Mercy’s teeth on edge. He knew I hated that so.
‘As if he actually means it’, Mercy snarled. ‘As if he genuinely gives a toss.’
She bit her lip hard to keep from saying anything aloud; I was half sure she’d draw blood in the process. She didn’t trust herself until she’d counted off several of Doc’s footsteps in her head. Long after his departure, Mercy cried quiet angry tears into the mattress, until she sank into a fitful sleep that offered no respite at all.
When I woke early the next day, I found Mercy lacking in her usual wisecracks, so shaken that I doubted if she’d speak up for herself again. Sympathy, fear and rage sliced through my brain in rapid succession.
How dare he terrorise us so! Was he bent on holding us both down - on making both our lives hell?
She was ready to stop suffering in silence, and now, well... who knew?
We all know that misery loves nothing better than company.
It seemed like my day was about to get a whole lot worse when Doctor Aiden decided to grace me with his presence. There was not a speck of colour on him. His eyes and hair were both grey, and his suit consisted of the blandest hues. Even colourless as he looked, he was a startling sight. He was a man of pointed face, with wrinkled skin that had moulded to the angular shape of the bones in his face. The steely grey eagle eyes appeared too icy to show any real compassion or warmth behind them. The kind of gaze you would strive to escape. Occasionally, they glinted with malice. Then they lit up like beacons beneath the frames of his glasses.
Ultimately, it was not the routine he’d devised that kept patients here in line. It was fear that sealed lips and quashed mutinous actions before they ever came to anything. All the fight seemed to be frightened out of people once he’d finished with them. Defying him to his face led to consequences that were somewhat… unorthodox, but always effective. I was one of a rare few who had experienced more than one of these punishments. Most were traumatised after their first, and rumours spread like flames over gasoline.
It said a lot about him as a person, but there was no denying that fear was by far the most potent means of control. He never bothered to earn anyone’s respect, because the thought of what he could do kept them from straying far. Even I tried to be crafty so as to avoid detection. No one dared risk it.
Perhaps you’re wondering what could possibly be so bad, not unlike how I first reacted to the absolute authority I witnessed. I can tell you that it soon became apparent that I was the biggest troublemaker by a long shot. What I can also tell you is that I learned why almost directly after realising – the hard way.
Did I mention that my day went downhill after his arrival?
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,808 Reviews
Hello once more.
So, a profound little peek into the mind of Mercy. It's both interesting and touching. The character and society introduced here are simply marvelous. I have little idea of how this plot will develop, and how the characters will grow with one another, and I can say for sure that I'm eager to see.
I have only one question: what were her mother's thoughts and feelings on sending her away? It's fine if you brought that up later, but I'd like to know all the same. Did she know about Aiden's methods? (Probably not.)
To nitpick, you've got a little issue with hyphens. "Eye-watering" and "sun-bleached." This applies to when you're using non-adjective words as adjectives.
I was thrown off a bit by the phrase "cool, dead still surface." First, there should be either a hyphen or a comma between dead and still. Second, it seems slightly inaccurate, since, for most of the story, Mercy has been open and aggressive. You may want to stress that she'd been quiet since they'd been put in the asylum.
Keep watch for commas, they're not quite perfect yet. Other than that, you've got an excellent plotline that I'm going to keep following. Cheers.
-Chaser
Don't for get to start Mercy's words off with quotations, in the 21st paragraph.
Okay, I'm loving this. You have me wondering if anyone else can see Mercy when she's suppose to be just in her head.
Nope. No one but Layla knows. She just took over then... They are very separate, but in the same body the whole time.
Hey BellaRoma! I have finally arrived ^^
Let's get down to it, shall we?
Nitpicks!
I think a semicolon would be more appropriate here.
I will say the first paragraph was a bit wordy in the sense you use a lot of description. I would suggest keeping that to a minimum. It's great you have all of these descriptive words, but I would work on making it less complicated. For example:
I think this word choice is phenomenal, but some of us would just keel over trying to take that all in. Maybe keep it simpler with the descriptions, but I know you're writing is amazing. so don't try too hard to take away from what you have. I think it's okay, it's just a lot in one paragraph.
This sentence kind of threw me off a little. I think there's a comma splice somewhere in here, perhaps between "stagnated" and "in" there should be a semicolon?
SO that was like totally random XD But very good. I just think "I'm also aware" feels too formal here. More like "I know." but that's up to you.
Be careful with punctuation. Here, you have a comma after a question mark. No comma necessary. Also, quotes should be after the punctuation.
Needless to say this kind of creeped me out. Doctors don't normally...say that, right? Good characterization there.
Sorry for the delay again! Your chapters are just so good, honestly.
Just work on simplifying a few things, nothing major. Everything else is well done ^^
I hope this review is satisfying and helpful!
Aww, yes it was. Nitpicks taken.
The doctor is meant to be creepy/evil [strikethrough] lay off Mercy [/strikethrough].
Part 4 is showing Dr Aiden being even more evil. There aren't (m)any people mentioned as I was trying to develop their relationship. Will change when I rewrite.
I hopefully will have part 4 reviewed by next week
No worries. Thank you very much.
PS. Dr Aiden is meant to be the crazy one. Layla is undecided.
Hey, BellaRoma!
(This is me dropping a review after having secretly read the first two chapters.)
Opening sentences are delicate; you can morph them any way you want, but there're still a set of rules and guidelines you should follow.
1) Avoid clichés. I've heard too many opening sentences about light. Light stabbed our eyes like needles. Light filtered through the trees. Instead, try digging into the character--their reaction to the light, how they perceive the light, or even the source of the light itself.
2) Checks and balances. So far, I'd say the opening paragraph is a bit scattered, seeing as "during the day" spans across a long period of time and "eye-watering glare" doesn't.
3) Grammar: there should be a comma after "during the day" (because it's an introductory phrase), and "eye watering" should be hyphenated (because it's a group of words that serves as a single adjective).
4) Simplify. There's a lot packed into this sentence, and if it wasn't for the dependent clause, it'd be difficult to chew. We know: the lights are fluorescent, the lights are harsh (this is indicated by both "eye-watering" and "beat down on us"), and that the characters remain in one location throughout the day.
I'd suggest weaving the information into the rest of the paragraph, and monitoring adjectives and detail-emphasis as you do so; that way, it'll be easier to absorb.
Whoa! Tone it down a little, Ms. Walking Thesaurus.
Grammar: "Sun bleached" should be hyphenated ("sun-bleached"). An article should precede "pallor," because "pallor" is a singular noun ("a pallor"). The preposition "in" should be exchanged for "of."
"The institution was alive" is a big statement, and there wasn't much elaboration on it. I'm thinking ... a semicolon, converting that dependent clause to an introductory phrase, maybe some discussion about how the institution's like a human body.
I also smelled a comma splice (no conjunction to bridge the independent clauses). Exchange the comma for a semicolon or a period.
Okay, I'm moving out of sequence, but this was the basically the same as "the institution ... moved fluidly on." And I like it less. It sounds artificial--like brand cookies instead of homemade cookies.
Try "the routine never ceased," maybe?
I love this. It makes me think of ashes and gravestones, and time drying into shells.
I'd advise writing the time out ("ten o'clock") because it sounds more natural that way, and "at night" was already implied by their returning to bed.
"About to be" doesn't ... sound right, because the rest of the paragraph was narrative; its purpose was condensing a day into a few sentences. Now it's switched to scene. I guess I'd just recommend clipping "about to be."
I know the narrator was trying to form an oxymoron, but "blinding" and "inky" contradict each other--how can something that's liquid-like be blinding?
And "stagnate" is such a weak word! C'mon, I know you can do better (that vocabulary of yours
Grammar: I smell another comma splice. Exchange that comma for a period or a semicolon: "The [...] stagnated; in the blinding, inky darkness it was now her time." A comma should also be inserted after "darkness."
Fluency: "It was now her time" doesn't really correlate to "in the darkness." Maybe "the darkness signaled that it was her time" (that's extra awkward, but you can play around.).
Here the narrator's stating what's already been implied. It's not redundancy, but ... "the space inside my head." Try "the mist within my brain" or something like that; be creative.
"Left" is a bit ambiguous. Try "allowed" or "permitted."
That comma should be exchanged for a period: Dialogue Punctuation (Example 7).
The fact that her irises are midnight-blue isn't really relevant to the fact that she's crying (and I'd recommend exchanging that second "their" for "her," because "irises" is a common term).
"Midnight blue" should also be hyphenated.
Should be "no one." Common mistake.
This is another one of those phrases that's difficult to stomach. "Wash about her while it lingered"? Doesn't "wash about her" already imply that its meaning is lingering? Or maybe you meant to be more specific: "fading" or "diminishing"? "...letting its meaning wash about her as it diminished."
Even that, though, sounds awkward. (A phrase from Matilda just jumped into my mind about the librarian telling Matilda to "let the words wash around you like music." You could probably steal that.)
Exchange that semicolon for a comma or an M-dash: Commas vs Semi-colons.
My biggest issue with this sentence was that the big issue kept dancing around in a kind of labyrinth of "that"s and conjunctions and prepositions, and, overall, it just sounded very awkward.
^See how unpleasant that looks?
I'd suggest something along the lines of "Her eyes shattered. I realized she was just as vulnerable as me, or indeed, anyone else in this place."
I cut the simile because it looked too ... weird. If you were to describe something shattering, you'd probably use "porcelain," or another delicate solid--not a metal. I get what you're trying to convey; it just translates a bit forced.
I like the metaphor that you're creating, between the footsteps and sheet music, but I'm not too keen on the way it's introduced. Maybe an ellipsis, a parenthetical expression, couple more commas, to make things interesting?--"Maybe they would move on, pound their common-time rhythm somewhere else ... bypass me."
Choppiness underlines the character's fear.
Since we're not discussing the whole night (we're just discussing the present), I'd recommend changing "fear stalked the night."
"My blood turned to ice" is also cliché. Try putting a twist on it--discussing how it feels like it's solidifying, or how fear resonates within every heartbeat, or how "my pulse ticked away time in my neck." Be creative. ^_^
Quotable quotes.
I love this description. Just try toning down the adjectives, cutting a noun or two: "His skin had moulded to the angular shape of the bones in his face."
The rhetorical question suggests humorous undertones, while the rest of the piece was dark and fast-paced, so it clashes. It's also a technique I've seen echoed too many times elsewhere: "yet that wasn't the worst of it." It disappointed me.
I'd like it if you cut off after "hard way," but that's just my opinion, I guess.
Anyway, great job! The dialogue really reflected the character's voices. They were blended enough to sound natural, and quirky enough to sound unique. And the adverbs! I'm being random, but I loved them; they contributed a lot to the flow: "She drummed her fingers on her abdomen thoughtfully."
I think I fell in love with your descriptions, too. Somewhere else, they might've been tagged as bleached-bone, but here, they sped up the pace and complemented the setting. They left just enough room open for interpretation.
Sorry about the scattered review. There's so much to admire ... I can't type it all down. Your style's definitely very reader-friendly; it's why I hated dissecting it, because I just wanted to submerge myself in the magic of your novel.
Spoiler
Looking forward to more!
What would you say if I told you that this is my first novel?
Thanks for the review btw.
This is your first novel? Wow. *blinks*
You're talented!
Aww, thank you :$
I've attempted bits and pieces, but I have never stuck to an idea before.
Like I said to a lot of people, this is incredibly unrefined, just the seemingly best arrangement of my ideas on paper.
Yeah, I always have trouble getting my thoughts down on paper, so I can admire those who do it successfully. XD
You did ten chapters, though ... gawsh, that's resilience. I only managed five chapters of one novel, and then decided I better just stick to short stories.
Thanks for the follow! *follows back*
Hi Bella!
I'm here to continue reading this story of yours :3 What I liked so much about this chapter was that we got to see Mercy's feeling of self hate as she has to watch her best friend suffer through everything she does in this facility. She hates that she brought them into this position and she hates seeing it, and we got to see that Layla thinks she is as human as can be when it comes to her emotions - or at least how she feels during this time. We also got to see a snippet of the daily life - waking up, walking around in your own bubble and then retreating to the rooms before the lights flicker out again. Which must be a boring and pretty horrible life, although you do skip over the day quite a bit. I wouldn't of minded having a bit more detail here.
Comma needed after the word 'day'.
One thing I am wondering about is how the doctor even knew Mercy was there? I mean, perhaps he somehow knows all about Mercy (and if he does, I want to know how!) but then, I wonder how he knew where she was this time? Seeing as she is invisible to everyone else apart from Layla, that means she could've been anywhere in the room. Unless the doctor can somehow see her too, or has some sense going on or something, I really doubt he would know her whereabouts. How about making this part clearer so we could understand how it could be a possibility?
Another thing I was wondering about. Seeing as Mercy was the one who brought them here, I wonder if Layla secretly feels resentment or anger towards her friend for what she has done to the both of them. Layla doesn't deserve this life, and yet she is the one who has to live it day by day. And she isn't the one complaining or whining about their situation - Mercy is. I think it would be absolutely beautiful if Layla hated her a little bit after this, and hated having to comfort her, but still loves her best friend so she does so. Maybe she hates the fact that she has to live through every day with Mercy being there, but would feel horribly lonely without her. Having Layla torn in two will add more to her character and show how she can need and not want someone at the same time. Adding strain and tension on to their relationship should hopefully be helpful in strengthening or breaking down their friendship later on.
I also want to hear more about the other people stuck here. Don't limit yourself to Mercy and Layla alone, don't skip over the day. Surely Layla must've found some friends. Show them to us and let us know what they talk about and discuss in a place such as this one. let us know their stories, and how they wound up being where they are. What they think of Layla. I want her to become more interactive with others. Yes, Mercy is her best friend, but not her sole friend. And I'm curious about the other people as well.
Yes, I am still confused about this. Are they in a jail, for criminals, or in a house that looks after those supposedly driven crazy? It's important you make this evident somewhere in the chapter because Layla could easily have ended up in jail for what she has supposedly done, but also could've easily been declared mentally unstable and put in a hospital or something. So, make sure you're clear on which it is. I want to know and have all my facts straight!
I apologise if I repeat anything mentioned below; I don't have time to do anything but scan through them. (There are so many xD) I will keep on reading, to chapter four!
Deanie x
Yes, Layla is presumed mentally unstable so they're in an asylum.
For future reference, Mercy has the ability to take over Layla's body. That's what was going on since they were alone at first.
Aiden was technically talking to Layla (he doesn't know), so Mercy didn't want to say anything.
Hope that all helps before you read Part 4 and beyond.
Thanks for reviewing.
Hi there!
So, there's one thing I'm wondering right now. How exactly is Layla communicating with Mercy? Is all of this talking just in her head or is she actually saying all this out loud. I'm guessing that it's all in her head because the dialogue is in single quotation marks instead of the usual double quotation marks. Even so, I think it would be nice to have that specifically explained to us. I'm not really sure how you would do that, but I think it's kind of needed.
Wha--now you're trying to make us feel bad for Mercy?? How dare you. Now I'm split between feeling bad for Layla and taking her side and feeling bad for Mercy because she's made Layla suffer for all the bad things that has happened. Thanks for confusing me all over again
So I know that Mercy is the one who says this, but even for her it seems a bit too formal for her, too wordy. Maybe think about cutting it down a bit and making it more informal, if you will.
I have to say, I'm glad that you deviated from the form of the first two chapters. Not that I didn't enjoy the way they were written, I really did. But I could see it starting to get a bit frustrating to the readers. We would never get the real part of the story, which is what you've gotten into here now.
So...did I miss something? Who exactly is this man that has come into the room? There really isn't anything specific that I can find that tells us who this man is. I feel like I should know who he is, but I don't. Maybe make that a bit more apparent? Honestly, I was confused for the rest of the chapter.
Overall, a great chapter here. Like I said, I'm glad that you broke off from the memories from the last chapter. Here we get a good look at what's going on right now and how Layla feels about Mercy and their situation at the current time.
I also like how Mercy has become a real person here. She's still part of Layla's imagination, yes, but she is able to lay in the bed and hide under the covers. That's what Layla wants us to believe or not. I'm still trying to figure out exactly what is going on with Mercy and who she is. As of right now, it's interesting to see her as a real person. I didn't think she would ever make her way out of Layla's head, but here she is right in front of us.
Onto the next chapter!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hey Bella! Thanks for the link!
I have to say, the first thing that struck me about this is - even though it's been a while since I read the last two parts and I can't remember them particularly well - this just seemed so much better than them. I really enjoyed this - the first half especially. I like the interaction between Mercy and Layla a lot.
I think at this point some questions need answering - for instance, how long have they been in the facility at this stage? And what age are they? (Or was that mentioned before?) And how long has the doctor been there?
My main issue with the second half is with the doctor himself. I feel like you could do a lot better with the introduction, the description and the exposition. For instance, the description of how he looks could wait until Layla comes face to face with him - and describes his colourless features and pointed face. Maybe the fear he evokes in his patients could wait until he walks through a waiting room or mess hall - does a hush fall down on them? How does Layla know that everybody is afraid of him? It really comes down to showing instead of telling. While the paragraphs you have are nice, the story seems to come to a complete halt while you describe the doctor, and I think it's a lot better if you could do the two in parallel!
As far as the last few lines go, and the ending of the part, I felt like you could pack more of a punch. How is Layla's day about to go downhill? Is there a particular line of dialogue or particular moment where she realises what's about to happen? That might be a better ending to the chapter!
But overall, I thought this was good, and I look forward to reading subsequent parts
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Thanks for the review. I'm glad you plan to stick it out.
This is a note to everyone reading... At some point I'm going to go over this and rework. I'm just posting my initial attempts for now.
PS. As to Layla's age, she's about 14-15 here, like I mentioned last chapter.
You could always reread and recap before continuing.
Timmy here for a review! (As I promised, just a little late.)
I really enjoyed this piece. It gave me a chance to see things kind of from both of their perspectives--Mercy and Layla. You have this style of writing, dark and mysterious, and yet still retaining the aspect that a teenager would have. You characters sound very educated and know a lot of bigger words, but they still think like teens, act like teens.
I think this chapter is your best so far, because it not only has a wonderful distinct style, but it shows their relationship together and how they react to danger differently. I mean, the doctor's presence isn't exactly a danger, but he seems like their enemy to me.
For a moment there, I was a little confused, but then I realized what was going on. You wrote this chapter like they were two totally different people, using their words and actions to signify that they were separate, and then mentioned the fact that they were two minds in one body a few time to tell the reader, but not too much so they get totally lost. I like that. Makes me think about things.
Period needed there.
Something that is true to all writing, for the end of time is this: You will always have punctuation at the end of a speech of dialogue. Always. What you need to do is find the correct punctuating mark at the end. In this case, you need a comma after "me" and another comma before "but"
Comma after "care" and did you accidentally misspell Mercy's name or was it a purposeful nickname?
By now you have probably realized that my nitpicks have all been centered on commas. They may seem like an insignificant part of your writing, so small that they can be overlooked, but they can ruin or bring up a piece every time. I am not a comma expert. I don't know grammar or punctuation rules in the slightest. But since I have been writing for a long time, and tried my hardest to figure this out, I am starting to find the correct places just automatically, even without thinking about it. You will find this soon, too. But I think this could be helpful to you-- This could be helpfullll
I hope that helps you out! I know I have given that same link to many people before. xD
This part demonstrates that you have an extremely unique villain here. He doesn't seem to be the stereotypical "bad" guy, wanting to take over the entire world and everything. He is in a league of his own. I love how you are building him up and making him who he is. Strange, genius, creepy--and sometimes I wonder if there are alternative motives to what he is doing. His character is very deep.
I think your story is starting to really develop. Your characters are becoming very deep and realistic. I wonder how you are going to develop the relationship between the doctor and those two.
I love, love the relationship between Mercy and Layla. Two minds in one body. Amazing.
~Darth Timmyjake
Ok. Punctuation isn't much to correct
For future reference, Merce is a nickname. I was going for a familiar, sibling like relationship between Layla and Mercy.
Ignore the formatting issues. This is the last time I edit on my tablet.
Hello BellaRoma,
Well I am here for a review. I am not typically going to review this piece of work by picking out some of the grammatical mistakes; everyone makes those and I am lazy to pick up any.
Even though I haven't reviewed any of your previous work; I have skim read it so have got flavor as to what you are talking about here.
One thing I noticed about your writing is that you write in a great depth; and the way you describe your characters and the situation, makes me to force my mind to create a picture of what is happening.
By reading this chapter, I have a feeling that I will surely be reading the previous two chapters properly.
You are strong with your language and this made you describe every situation nicely. This is just a masterpiece. I am sure you shall be thinking of publishing it officially.
Keep up the good work. You are talented and you are using your talent correctly!
All the best for your next chapters. I look forward to reading it.
Have a great day today!
Cheers
Thank you kindly. Hopefully Part 5 will be finished soon, I'll post it as soon as I think it's ready.
Thanks for the comment on language, I try to use varied vocab but I know that sometimes meaning can be obscured by it. At least it seems to have worked.
Good job. Keep it up
Hopefully...
I've assembled some character profiles on my blog if you're interested.
Hey! Part 5 has been officially published.
Also my blog may interest you. Leave a comment or any questions.
If that was made into a full book I would read it 10 thousand times! Jeez, that was amazing everything about it was really good. Just after reading the first sentence I couldn't stop reading! Its absolutely moving. I would really like to know more about the characters and their life. Good C.O.P.S! With this it was easy to imagine what the characters look like. Your really going to be someone.
Aww. That's nice.
This is part 3 of the 5 I have up. You said you wanted to know more...
Hi, BellaRoma. This is Pinkie here. you told me to review your story so i am doing it for you. I will be nice and gently reviewer. Okay, let's get started.
I like the story of yours. It is very good and interesting. I love the narrator's POV. It is interesting to read about. The descriptions on the story is amazing! Also, the characters is very realistic. I can see them now in my mind. Great masterpiece, Bella. This is a great job that you did on this story. However, they are some grammar errors on here. Well, the people did point out some errors so I will leave it alone. Anyway, nice job! You are a good writer. I love to read from you. I will wait for the next one! Bye, ma'am! And have a nice day!
Good job and Keep on writing!
Cheers
Your reviewer, Pinkiegirl13
Thanks ever so much.
Me again! Before I actually review I just have to say that if I have the P!nk song stuck in my head, I'll know who to blame.
I'll get the couple of quibbles I had out of the way quickly for you.
You should have a comma after 'far'. It's one of those things that you've got to do when you're addressing someone in dialogue - comma before the name. I'm being fussy, but there isn't stacks to pick on.
Your dialogue has definitely improved in this chapter, and although I noticed a massive improvement from the last chapter, there were still a couple of mistakes. Here, you just need a comma after Mercy (I like my commas today, don't I?)
I think you accidentally pressed ENTER here.
I'm soundin like a broken record, but commas again! I'd just put one in after 'unorthodox'. Personally I'm not quite sure if 'unorthodox' is quite the right word here - it would describe the doctor's behaviour perfectly, from what I understand, but not so much the consequences, which is what you're talking about here.
You asked about flow in your comment below, and in this chapter I thought the flow was absolutely fine, andit didn't leap out at me in the other chapters. It might be a little quirky and not 100% traditional, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. There may have been the odd sentence that didn't flow perfectly, but in terms of the ideas and the story as a whole, I can't really complain. You have an unreliable narrator, and it feels like it follows her thought well.
The imagery in your opening paragraph of this chapter was absolutely stunning. Kind of eerie, and your skill for figurative language really did shine through, and it was possibly my favourite part of the story so far. A great way to introduce the setting and give the feel of the chapter.
It was great to get more insight into Layla's situation in this chapter. As I've already said, you've created a really good voice for Layla which you haven't slipped out of (yay!) and your development of Mercy in this chapter. On that point, I've been meaning to say this since reading the first chapter that I love your choice to name this character Mercy. It feels like a pleasantly creepy contradiction that I adore.
I'm kind of disappointed now, because I'm going to have to wait for the next chapter. Fantastic job so far, and can't wait for chapter four!
Yeah. Editing mishap. Thanks for adopting my novel, I hope to update soon.
Noticing your comment I didn't really get into the punishments yet. I had an idea to put in the next chapter but I just couldn't get that bit right so I changed it a little.
PS. You're the first person to mention the chapter titles, they're all named after songs as I wanted to do something different.
I love that Pink song too!
Yeah. Editing mishap. Thanks for adopting my novel, I hope to update soon.
Noticing your comment I didn't really get into the punishments yet. I had an idea to put in the next chapter but I just couldn't get that bit right so I changed it a little.
PS. You're the first person to mention the chapter titles, they're all named after songs as I wanted to do something different.
I love that Pink song too!
That's a pretty cool idea there! Even if I was too thick to pick it up until this chapter
Like I said. You're the ONLY one who has picked up on it. Plus I have a slightly strange taste in music for my age (Pink aside).
Like I said. You're the ONLY one who has picked up on it. Plus I have a slightly strange taste in music for my age (Pink aside).
Firstly, why do I keep posting double comments?
Just thought you'd like to know that I'll be posting a new chapter probably within the next 2 days after typing up and editing. I've named it after a song by one of my absolute favourite artists: KT Tunstall.
I hope it's not too stereotypical, I think you'll know what I mean when you read it.
Awesome! I don't have a clue why it was double posting either but it looks as though it's stopped now.
Yay! Looking forward to reading it!
I do things like double posting by accident. I probably just clicked one too many times.
Like I said, hopefully in the next day or so. Maybe I'll catch free work post day (before review day).
Are you joining a review team?
New chapter up!! I caught free upload day just like I said.
Awesome!
I shall review it for review day tomorrow! 
Are you on a team? I got Equipe Verde.
I'm Rudigo Sol. Looks like we're competing! XD
I was contemplating going rogue like I did last time but decided I should join a team instead.
I'm Rugido Sol too. Go team!!
Woo!
I've been cobbling together some character profiles on my blog.
Part 5 is go. A little shorter than normal but it should still work.
Never mind. I unpublished it. Not quite ready yet. Sorry.
Hey there! Cricket here for a quick review!!!!
Well, I haven't read any of your earlier chapters so please forgive me if I get something wrong. OK? But everything looks pretty cool, so far. I just have a couple of nitpicks with grammar and sentence structure. So I'll just go into them real quick and then point out a couple of things that I really like. OK?
NITPICKS!!!!
Sorry, for cutting so much out but I just thought I'd just point out that this is WAY to complicated. I had to read and re-read over and over again just to get the main gist of it all. Its like advanced vocabulary all throughout the piece, and that's not usually good. Assume for a moment that your reader is a complete idiot, and then try to write for that reader. Try to make it as simple as you can, but at the same time sounding intelligent. Write as to get your point across, without sounding incredibly technical. So what I mean by all this is, don't assume that your reader is as smart as you. OK?
Again, sorry to cut so much out but when switching speakers, you always separate them. So like this...
Like that. OK? Even if its the same speaker, but you insert something in-between the dialogue, you need to make sure that you separate them, or else the reader will get confused as to who's speaking.
Oh, and just something right out of nowhere I'd just like to say that I totally love the way you describe the Doctor. He sounds a pretty evil, and REALLY not attractive.
They're in bed right? How can he see that she bit her lip? Maybe I missed something...
Make sure you remember periods at the end of sentences.
OK, I think this that's it for nitpicks!!! I'll go into what I liked about your piece!
Comments and stuff
Well, judging from just what I've read here, I'd say that this is super good. I just absolutely love the way they interact with each other. Its really realistic, and yet very out of this world. Which I find severely cool. Anyway, the doctor seems like a totally NOT awesome guy, which just adds to the story of course. Of course when writing a story, that involves a evil arch enemy or whatever you call them, just make sure you make them seem super original and not like the evil "I want to take over the world type". Which all evil archenemies love doing. But just saying to make sure you make this guy seem SUPER original, as to make your story SUPER ORIGINAL.
Anyway, from the way the your main character acts you can defiantly tell that he is afraid of the doctor, but wasn't about to let the doctor know about it. And he wasn't afraid to show him that he wasn't being owned all the way. I'd say you did an awesome job with developing your characters. So good job!
OK, I think I'm done!! Keep writing!!!
Thank you. The nitpicks will help me.
I have screwed up the dialogue, man I can't get that right! Not to be pushy bur you should read the earlier chapters. Surely you're wondering how Layla got there in the first place.
As to the bit where she bit her lip she's still under the pillow so he didn't see. That's why he left.
Hope that helps.
Sorry but HE? Her name is Layla.
Again I'm sorry, it could have been an accidental typo. I do that sometimes but Layla is definitely female. Maybe that's my fault, I only mentioned her name once.
oohh, lol...I had it stuck in my head that SHE was a HE. hehe, sorry about that.
What made you think that? Just wondering if it might confuse anyone else.
honestly I think it was the social interaction between the two. But it might have just been me.
I still don't see it. Oh well - it's resolved now.
Please read the earlier chapters, I don't see how you can make much sense of this without them. C'mon, do you seriously not wonder why she's been locked up? You wouldn't start a new book series from the last book!
lol, I'll try! But seriously, I have a pile of review requests stacked up, and I need to get them done. I'll do my best!
Hi! So I'm going to review your work! If I seem harsh, or get things wrong, I'm really, really, really sorry. I have a big ego, however I'm very young.
To start off, I love your start. I feel like it went from very happy to very weird really quickly. I guess the lights triggered happiness in my mind, then you come and say "welcome to a mental institution", essentially.
"At 10pm everyone". I think it would be better if you wrote "at ten pm", but how you did it may be right. I'm not used to seeing, nor writing, time in literature.
"Every day like clockwork this routine rotated on and on." I believe that you should have added commas. "Every day, like clockwork, this routine rotated on and on". The sentence could do without the appositive phrase, so that's how you kinda know that it's right. "Every day this routine rotated on and on." (But don't change it to this one, change it to the one before, if that makes sense.)
So I'm guessing Layla and Mercy are in the same body, right? I'm not gonna consider them the same person, and it would be less harsh on the eyes if you created a new paragraph each time one of them spoke.
"Mercy is saying something," Mercy said. "Mercy continues saying what she is saying."
"Layla says something" Layla stated, "Layla continues."
"The person reviewing is weird," Mercy laughs.
"I agree," Layla.
You get what I'm getting at? I hope you do.
Other than that, everything was wonderful. I think there were a few more mistakes, but those could be fixed with maybe another look over it? Keep writing!
Stupid question: did you read the first two? I only recently labelled them to prevent confusion. Check them out in related works if you didn't, it may make more sense then. Did I really mess up the dialogue again, Layla doesn't even speak that much!
It seems I need a grammar course, I have been working on it but I clearly haven't gotten the hang of it.
Thanks for the review.
Oh, I did not know. I was wondering, since this seemed like a different story completely from the labeling, but it would make sense, I guess. Sorry.
Sorry. I would have made it 'part 1,2 or 3' but the labels were already too long. In my head it was logical enough. Another novel would be in another folder. Feel free to comment again once you've read the full story. You can comment on the big picture that way can't you.
By the way what does 'appositive phrase' mean? See what I mean about the grammar course!
PS. Hope you get round to checking out my first two chapters when you're not busy. I've not had many reviews yet so people's thoughts are welcome.
Thanks
Hey guys! I think I'll get mixed responses here. Hope this gives readers a walk in Mercy's shoes. What do people think of her now??
Another point: I've been told my work doesn't always flow. Does this work? Feedback would help a lot.
Thanks