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I Saw A Thunder

by GeeLyria


This poem is about perspectives; how nothing's ever what it seems. 

I saw a thunder 
in my drowsy thoughts. 
And its monstrous appearance
became alluring but dull.
 
Its pupils dilated 
with fear and uncertainty.
It became a silhouette,
and faded within the wind.
 
I heard a lightning... 
A blue battle cry. 
Delicate, but belligerent;
Quietly drowned in ambivalence.
 
The words it spoke
were hard to understand.
It whipped the land and mourned,
"I wish you'd see my white flag".
 
Your ears can be blind, 
your eyes can be deaf.  
But don't be deceived; 
reality is never a linear thought of superficiality.
 
Perspectives and perception
are precious gifts.
But this life lends itself 
to misunderstandings.


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Sun Feb 24, 2013 7:49 am
Morrigan wrote a review...



Hi there, Gee!

I think that you have some very interesting ideas here. I really enjoy paradoxes like seeing things you should actually hear. Paradoxes spice up a poem and make interesting connections of their own.

That being said, I think that this could use some work. It's a little wordy in places, and less is more in poetry. Also, I think that you could make these already vivid images even more vivid.
Let's take a look, shall we?

(be warned: what I have in mind for this will not follow the pattern of four line stanzas you've got here. It may be a bit more chaotic (but I digress))

in my drowsy thoughts.

My thought about this line is "what is the thunder doing in your mind?" Physically doing. Does the thunder creep up from the crinkles in your cerebellum? Does the thunder lurk in dark corners too small to sense? Basically, I'd like a verb before "in" that tells us something about the characteristics of the thunder. Is is proud? Does it seek revenge? Show us what the thunder does.

And its monstrous appearance
became alluring but dull.

"monstrous appearance" tells us something about the thunder. It does not show us. Also, the two adjectives after that have no effect since you didn't show us anything about the thunder in the first place. Now, the next stanza does show us a little about the thunder. I suggest cutting these two lines and merging the first two lines of the first stanza with the second stanza.

It became a silhouette,
and faded within the wind.

You could cut down on the words in these lines. You could even create a stronger image with fewer words. Maybe you could say something like "It became a silhouette faded by the wind" Or "It became a wind worn silhouette"

I heard a lightning...
A blue battle cry.
Delicate, but belligerent;
Quietly drowned in ambivalence.

This is my favorite stanza. I think, however, that you should replace the ellipsis in the first line with a colon. It would make you sound more sure of yourself.

The words it spoke
were hard to understand.

This is a very tell-y couple of lines. If you wanted to describe more by using more vivid verbs, I wouldn't object. If the lightning spoke, would it shout? Would it whisper? You use mourned later. Find a way to further characterize the lightning within these lines if you keep them.

Perspectives and perception
are precious gifts.
But this life lends itself
to misunderstandings.

Honestly, this last stanza feels tacked on. I would be comfortable with you ending it with the previous section.

I hope that this review was helpful. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. Happy writing!




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Sun Feb 24, 2013 2:36 am
Trident wrote a review...



Hello GeeLyria. A few of my thoughts on your poem:

Firstly, the title. I understand that you are trying to create a poem about different perspectives and everything, but to put "I Saw A Thunder" seems a bit silly. The visual idea isn't silly, but putting the article "A" in there does. It doesn't help make the wordplay anymore thought-provoking, it makes it seem juvenile. Same thing with "a lightning" later on.

I saw a thunder
in my drowsy thoughts.
And its monstrous appearance
became alluring but dull.


"Thoughts" and "appearance" are boring just as "alluring" and "dull" are. No visuals help us see and the ideas themselves can't stand up on their own. You are not helping us with all of this abstraction.

Its pupils dilated
with fear and uncertainty.
It became a silhouette,
and faded within the wind.


Pupils dilating can be a nice image, but the image should stand for itself, not have to be told to us that there is fear and uncertainty. Sihouettes and wind can be fun, but we just aren't privy to anything going on. This is too abstract. There is not enough to ground the reader so that they can have a sense of what is going on. Instead we float just above the poem, not quite reaching where we need to reach.

I heard a lightning...
A blue battle cry.
Delicate, but belligerent;
Quietly drowned in ambivalence.


This tries for profundity, but big words aren't always the best words. I love "blue battle cry" only because you have begun to play with the words in the manner they were meant to be played with. Give us synesthesia, by all means, but don't do it looking as though we are grabbing for a thesaurus. The big words should be there because they are the only choice to be there, not because we want to read big words in poetry.

The words it spoke
were hard to understand.
It whipped the land and mourned,
"I wish you'd see my white flag".


You have more thought in this stanza than anywhere else, even though the vocabulary is extremely simple. Why? Because we have imagery and something we can wrap our brains around.

Your ears can be blind,
your eyes can be deaf.
But don't be deceived;
reality is never a linear thought of superficiality.


Okay, we get metaphysical here, which is OK. I like the first too lines because you are getting into the poem's theme. It's a little blunt for my taste, but I don't think that is ineffective. The last line is rubbish.

Perspectives and perception
are precious gifts.
But this life lends itself
to misunderstandings.


Whenever I hear the words "precious gifts" it has this imagery of a sappy mother handing down her heirlooms. It's Hallmark gobbledygook. If you want us to have these as precious gifts, show us that in some way. Perhaps take it away for the narrator to show how its loss makes us realize that they are precious gifts. Otherwise you are giving us this life lesson int he tone of your mom telling you that you should remember your clean underwear. And nobody likes to hear their mom say the word "underwear". Hope that helps some.




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Thu Feb 21, 2013 11:45 pm
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Littlewing wrote a review...



Very interesting poem - I like it...

I love how it takes hold of each example, and then show a different perspective. I particularly liked the lightning verses: "I wish you'd see my white flag". This made me pause and think.

I found myself grappling with the rhythm a bit, trying to say it neatly - but it stayed awkward. I'm guessing this was intentional? But, anyway, I liked the uncomfortable tone it gave to the poem, and it was controlled enough for it to be easy to read.

I didn't quite get the line "reality is never a linear thought of superficiality". I thought it felt a bit clumsy, and I couldn't grasp the meaning.

"But this life lends itself
to misunderstandings."
These last few lines feel unfinished - like you have put across your point but can not not quite let it settle. I like this, though; it adds to the poem, building on the theme that you cannot rely on anything to be as you expect.

Overall, a great piece! I enjoyed reading it.




GeeLyria says...


Thanks...



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Thu Feb 21, 2013 2:36 pm
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tteele says...



Hey ,

I'm really new to this , so if anything I say sounds stupid then oh well ..

But i really liked it , the way it's kind of darker ,like from the shadow side of the world. It has the deepness that a poem needs.




GeeLyria says...


Thanks!




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