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Dark Side

by PandaRawr


Deep inside, where secrets hide
a sleeping demon forever lies.
The seductive whisper in the back,
the monster watching from every crack.

It is the body of my deepest fears,
the result of all my darkened years.
Waiting for a chance to show it's face
I push it down, cursing my fate.

If I let you in will you see
the demon is only the worst parts of me.


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68 Reviews


Points: 2619
Reviews: 68

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Sun Feb 24, 2013 10:36 pm
sarahjane97 wrote a review...



Hello Panda!

Wow, you've got a nice concept on your hands here! I have a soft spot for dark poetry and rhyming, so this piece immediately grabbed my attention. I especially love the rawness.

Now, this wouldn't be much of a review without critical advice, so on we go! There are 2 extensive reviews already, so I'm just gonna state my opinion and hope it's not a repeat. :S Basically, what it comes down to, is that you have a great idea with a lot of potential. With the right description, it could even be a masterpiece. Now I'm not saying your poem isn't good, because it is. However, if you embellished it more it could be GREAT. :)

I would suggest more description and a more extensive metaphor to bring the poem to life. For example...what does the demon look like? Is it aging and wrinkled from lack of sunlight? Is is covered in scabs from past hurts you've endured? Details like this will add a creepier tone to the piece.

Hope this helps and good luck!

Sarah




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Mon Feb 18, 2013 4:54 am
Trident wrote a review...



Hi PandaRawr, here are a few of my thoughts on your lovely poem here:

An ear for meter

Let me first congratulate you on your use of meter. It's never too forced and has that quality to it that gives it power, but doesn't make it feel sing-songy. It's a tough skill to master, but you've done a nice job there. It could be tightened a little, but for the most part you have
done well.

Abstraction distraction

Unfortunately, where I think your poem fails is at the content level. This guy is so chock full of ideas that don't share corresponding images that it's a pile of cerebral mush. Let's start at the beginning:

Deep inside,


Ooh, deep inside. Where are we going? I'm imagining a lovely deep abyss where who-knows-what is inside!

where secrets hide


Oh. Okay, well a brain? A dark corner of the room? You're starting to lose me here. We're starting into that abstraction.

a sleeping demon forever lies.


Cool! A demon...! That's...sleeping... We don't know anything about this demon, and since that is such a common image, it's almost a pasted-on stereotype of a red creature I am imagining. It's terribly unexciting. And you even go so far as to make this demon an abstract thing. The metaphor might be cool, but you are going in the wrong direction.

It is the body of my deepest fears,
the result of all my darkened years.


Who-What-When-Where-Why?

These lines tell us nothing (yes, nothing!) about our narrator. Deepest fears? Which ones? Being tied down and having a pendulum blade slide back and forth over your face? (Poe) Being tied down and having rats eat at you? (Orwell) Being tied down and having a tickle fight? (Stephanie Meyer, maybe?)

And what are the darkened years? What happened in them for the love of God! We want to know these horrible things!

If I let you in will you see
the demon is only the worst parts of me.


I mean, this all feels very important, but it's like one of those endings where you were like "really? It was that guy...?" I mean it's terribly old and used-up. It's as if the butler did it.

I think you can come up with something a little more original. What has the demon inside this narrator caused them to do? Perhaps a murder, or some equivalent. Right now, we don't know a single thing they did or why they did it. It's a suit with no body to wear it. It sounds cool and everything, but poetry isn't about adding in demons and seductive whispers and expecting your audience to care. We need to picture this narrator, otherwise we are left in darkness. And while that may be the theme of your poem, you want it to shine bright.




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Sun Feb 17, 2013 5:32 pm
dogs wrote a review...



Going for the quadruple review here! You know the drill, Dogs here with your review. This is a nice piece, but to start I think you should add some more in, a little more descriptions of the best. This piece is certainly your shortest and I think you can flesh it out a bit more. Maybe describe it's voice, what it's whispering into your head as it projects the gruesome images from horror movies into your head. Maybe a stanza or two more just on those two descriptors. Also you say a sleeping demon lies in your head, but he is whispering and watching you. Unless this is some super demon that can sleep with his eyes open and consciously talk to you at the same time, that's a little contradictory.

"The seductive whisper in the back,"

Ok, so this line just seems really awkward to me if you're trying to convey the fact that the beast is whispering behind you or into your ear. It sounds forced with rhyming with "crack." I'm not sure how to change that bit.

"to show it's face... cursing my fate."

Firstly, you should say "its" and not "it's," because it's is short for "it is." And I don't think that's what you're trying to say here because saying "to show it is face" doesn't make any sense. Furthermore, face and fate don't rhyme so it sticks out like a sore thumb. Definitely try to edit that out.

I like your ending, it seems that your endings are usually the strongest part of your writing for some reason. I know in my case it's almost always the weakest part, ironically. All and all a good piece, but there is some room for adding it. I enjoyed reading it, with a little more imagery and some polishing this will be an excellent piece. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032





Attention is the beginning of devotion.
— Mary Oliver, Upstream