** I'm not a poet, or at least I don't consider myself to be one. I prefer storywriting but this was a class assignment in which I needed to break out of my comfort zone, which is nowhere near this. So, I need help with stanzas. Are there some that I can get rid of or that don't have to do with the topic? Also, this is supposed to be free verse (my first poem like this) and I wouldn't mind some help with that **
Cigarette lodged between your teeth
Fresh beer can in your hands
You aren't sure just what you're smoking
But you know it clears the air
You mother tries to find work again
Too old and fragile for most
While you take the pay that does come in
And use it for more drugs
Three children with different fathers
Brought into the world bu you
Are left to fend like lions
Since you've fed them to the wolves
Your brother hates every fiber in your being
While your mother cries for help
You sister has attempted assitance
Still you claim there's no one left
Stay out all night partying
Searching for a fix
Spend the whole next day asleep
Leaving your daughter in charge of your sons
Your youngest at six of seven
Has a fuse that burns out quick
God help him when he reaches the age
To act on his decisions
The middle child at seven or eight
Knows the truth already
Escaping through Super Mario Brothers
Into worlds he can repair
Your daughter at eleven
Plays the role you gave up
The mother hen of the family
Every dawn through every dusk
Still you keep inhaling
The fumes that fill your soul
Still you keep drinking
The booze that started it all
Your crutch is mental deficiency
But for those that know you well
Believe there's nothing wrong with you
You just need to come back to yourself
Hey, UpandOut! Sorry for being late! Quick review:
1.I just want to say that this is a very important topic, and you handled it well. It has a powerful message.
2. A use of punctuation would be great, though.
Great job and good luck!!!
---Shooting Stars
This is an absolutely amazing piece! I am rarely one who doesn't rip a piece apart, but I really adore this. The emotion and story seem very true and real, like based on knowing this person. My only critique is that you add punctuation. Without it the reader is left confused on where the sentences stop or break. Don't feel obligated to capitalize the beginning on each line. A poem is still a group of sentences and it should look like it. Only capitalize the first letter of the first word of a sentence. Otherwise this is perfect. Keep Writing- Tori