z

Young Writers Society


12+

The Chronicles of a Public Bus (part 3.03)

by Ventomology


Saturday, 18:00, route 47

As Drake herds his friends to a pair of seats, he swallows back an oncoming grimace and tries to smile. “Relax, guys,” he says, “We all warned our parents beforehand that we were starting a movie at three-thirty. I doubt anyone will be in trouble.”

Willow wrings her hands as she sits, and she scoots to the window in silence. “My mom is inviting the local exorcist family over for dinner. She’s going to be very mad if I’m late.”

The bus eases into motion, and Martin slides into the seat in front of Willow, squishing himself to the window and inching forward so his back can’t touch the cushions. He twists around slightly, his face more hollow than its now normal dead look. “My parents are going to throw a fit. First they had ‘everyone thinks black teenagers are up to no good’ talk, and I’m guessing they were planning the vampire talk for tonight.”

Drake opens his mouth to offer a word of reassurance, but Divinity beats him. She plops down next to Martin and swings an elbow over the seat-back, eyebrows raised in cocky disinterest. “My mom’s on night shift at the hospital, and my grandparents are having a date night,” she brags. “I have nothing to worry about.”

“I don’t think that was the best thing to say,” Drake replies. He shrugs at Willow and Martin, both of whom cringe and hunch their shoulders.

“Tact is not my specialty.”

Frowning at the obvious lie, Drake sits next to Willow and pushes away thoughts of how his own parents will react. He texted them the moment the movie ended, but he has yet to receive a reply. An awkward moment of quiet stretches on as Drake decides on a retort to Divinity’s falsehood.

“Ugh. You three are so straight-laced.” Twisting her face in mock agony, Divinity sighs so long her face reddens from the lack of air. “Perfect grades, advanced classes, magical powers that must be kept in check. It’s like you aren’t even real teenagers.”

Drake’s frown deepens. “Divinity,” he warns.

“I was literally about to change topics. Let’s talk about something fun, like a study meeting at the library tomorrow, or our favorite parts of the movie, or murders, or Marie’s performance last night.”

“As much as I would like to discuss our plans for secret investigations, I don’t think we’ll be able to right now” Martin says. He shifts around to face the rest of the group, still squeezing away from everyone, and juts his thumb towards the window. “We’re about to have company.”

Willow presses her face to the glass, aiming her foggy breath to a spot outside her view, and is immediately disappointed. Despite the ominous connotation of Martin’s words, the company is just a group of shoppers standing under a street light and clutching their purses and giant shopping bags. They all face each other, standing with their feet turned in just enough to show nervousness. As the bus pulls to the curb, Willow spots worry lines carved into their faces, only for the creases to vanish as the shoppers put on brave faces and line up at the door.

Biting her lip, Willow rests a hand on Drake’s shoulder to get his attention. “Drake,” she says, voice low, “Look at the people coming on. I think something’s wrong.”

The shoppers are quiet as they board, and the rustling of their bags seems muffled. They walk in pairs, heads together, whispering in short, frantic bursts.

“Do you think she’s okay?” someone hisses. “I mean, she’s so sensible that we’ve never had to worry, but…”

“I told her she should have dyed her hair,” says someone else. The comment is met with murmurs of regretful agreement, and one by one, the shoppers drop into seats. When the bus jolts to a start, they all sway with the movement, too downtrodden to try countering.

The heavy atmosphere is enough to make even Divinity turn away in respect. Ears still pricked for any concrete evidence for her suspicions, she leans back to peer past Martin’s shoulders. Outside, the cream colored cement of one of the major department stores glows against an opaque, black sky, and a mother and her daughter skip across the sidewalk in lavender coats that almost match.

As the bus rolls through the parking lot and back onto the streets, Divinity decides that the shoppers won’t unknowingly divulge any more information and twists around to look at Willow and Drake.

“Hey, are you two available tomorrow afternoon?”

Willow nods, pulling her gaze from the twinkling city lights outside. She turns to Drake, wrinkling her eyebrows in worry, since she doesn’t want to brave a planning session with Divinity alone, and he scratches his head.

“I think I’m free. Dad usually takes me to the early service for church.”

As Willow breathes a sigh of relief, Divinity crosses her arms and sends Martin a questioning look. “And what about you?”

“I will join you, I suppose, My parents have excused me from church for the time being, since they want to confer with the pastor and aren’t sure how much effect new-age liberal Protestantism will have on me.”

“It’s so weird that you go to church even though the belief theory basically says there are no gods,” Willow says.

Martin plasters on his ‘obnoxious aloof know-it-all’ face and raises his index finger to point at nothing. “Actually, the belief theory only says we can’t scientifically prove the existence of specific legends, not that there is no—wait. I smell blood.”

A chorus of gasps rings out from the group of shoppers at the front of the bus, and they fling down their bags, the paper and plastic crashing against the hard floor and tearing under a stampede of thick winter boot soles. One girl runs to the front window and pastes her face to the glass.

“Oh my god,” she says. Her friends join her, clustering and whimpering and standing on tip-toe.

“Oh god, oh god, oh god.” The words repeat until the bus is filled with the wailing cacophony of grief.

“Martin,” Willow asks, “what’s wrong? What are they saying?”The wailing turns to quiet sobbing, and Martin shoots a glance to the front of the bus, purses his lips and takes a deep breath. “Their friend—the one they were talking about earlier—well, she’s blonde, apparently. I don’t know if it was one of the freak accidents, but my dad says some of them were messy, and this... This smells very messy.”

Drake’s cheeks turn somewhat green, and Divinity blinks.

“Oh,” she breathes. “Oh gosh. That’s scary. I mean, I’ve never seen… Imagine being part of that group. I didn’t think this far.” She pauses, lips quivering, eyes glued to the shoppers and the play of red and blue strobe lights on the windows. “Is that how we’d react if this happened to Marie?”


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Sat Apr 02, 2016 2:41 am
EnderFlash wrote a review...



Notes

As the bus rolls through the parking lot and back onto the streets, Divinity decides that the shoppers won’t unknowingly divulge any more information and twists around to look at Willow and Drake.

“Hey, are you two available tomorrow afternoon?”
This is one example of which, sometimes, you divide your paragraphs in ways that confuse me. Is there any reason for Divinity's dialogue to be disconnected from her actions? Putting them together makes it easier to tell that Divinity is the one talking and it's a small bother that disrupts the storytelling. These strange separations show up again later in the chapter, when Willow and Martin share a paragraph.

Hold on. So the bus is moving along, and it's dark out, yet the shoppers were able to see and identify their friend? It sounds off to me, and stuff like this put a chip in the picture you so carefully create. You might be missing something, I might be missing something, but this is something I can't quite work out. I hope this is cleared out in the next chapter.

---

Thoughts/Impressions

1. I have no idea how Willow manages to direct her breath away if she's pressed up against a window, but sign me up for that class!

2. Divinity may not be telling the truth, but still. What is tact? I've heard of this strange thing, this tact, that clever people are able to utilize in order to not offend people and to provide opinions. Huh. What a mystical object, if it is an object at all!

3. Um.... Things aren't looking so good for Marie. She doesn't seem like the type who'd willingly dye her hair, so I can't see things turning out well for her.

4. Oh boy, religion vs science. It's a subject I'm sure you're only touching for this chapter, but it's undeniably interesting.




Ventomology says...


Ugh... yeah. This chapter seems to be part of a long string of chapters that have terrible setting description. You are absolutely correct. I could have included police lights and headlights and street lights, and so on.

2. I suppose my aim was to show how deliberately Divinity sets people off, but it didn't come across very well, did it? My bad.

4. Hmm... I didn't mean for it to be major in this novel, but I might play with that idea in the sequel. :)

Thanks for the review! I'm coming up on spring break for this review day, so I should get in your chapters. If you catch me online at some point, remember to tell me about your trip to New York.

Thanks again!



EnderFlash says...


Oh no, nothing is wrong with #2 ! I'm just poking fun at my own habits.



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Thu Mar 24, 2016 11:21 am
Mea wrote a review...



Hey, guess what, I'm back for another review!

So, again, this part was really good. (Definitely better than what I was cranking out for LMS. xD) I really like your characters - they're interesting and distinct from one another.

I particularly liked the reaction to the accident - it felt very much like what real teenagers would think and feel, especially if they didn't know the person who was hit. I think you did a good job of conveying that sense of horrified fascination that I think we would feel.

The only part I really thought felt odd was the couple of paragraphs after Divinity said "Tact is not my specialty." I just didn't really understand why she was saying what she said, and then I felt like she changed track a bit too quickly.

I was also a little bit confused as to why they were all worried about their parents being mad at them, and I thought that when some of them said what their parents were doing, they could have elaborated a bit more/explained it a bit better.

I also didn't really understand why Martin's parents are concerned about how the new-age liberal Protestantism would affect him or why they would want to pull him out of church, but I'm going to assume that's because I haven't read the rest of this. xD

And I'm afraid that's really all I've got for you - sorry this is so short, but I just don't have much to say! Good luck with the rest of this!




Ventomology says...


Ah, well, Martin is a recently turned vampire, and a lot of vampire myths involve the church or cross being harmful for vampires. You might not have read that part.

Thanks for the review!



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Mon Mar 21, 2016 4:28 pm
Songmorning wrote a review...



Hmm, so it's six o'clock in the evening, and they told their parents they were going to the movies at three-thirty. That means they must be on their way back from some investigation! They seem a bit late for having watched a movie, though, so I see why they're worried! Also, I must say, I love how distinct these four characters are. They all have their own, clear personalities.

“Tact is not my specialty.”

Frowning at the obvious lie, Drake sits next to Willow and pushes away thoughts of how his own parents will react.

I wouldn't really call that a "lie". Obviously, Divinity is just shrugging off the fact that she's being a jerk, but I would say that the statement itself is true. She's been portrayed as a pretty tactless character from the beginning.
You called it a "falsehood" again at the end of the paragraph. Perhaps I'm missing something? Maybe the "lie" was referring to something other than "Tact is not my specialty."--or perhaps Divinity really can be a tactful person when she wants to be, in which case, it isn't obvious to me. You could rewrite it to either not include the words "lie" and "falsehood", or else make it clear what this "lie" and "falsehood" is.

He texted them the moment the movie ended, but he has yet to receive a reply.

Oh, so...They actually did go to see a movie. *blinks* I guess I just assumed that was a cover for their investigation.

“I told her she should have dyed her hair,” says someone else.

Oh no...I bet another blonde has been murdered. O_O I hope it's not the leopard-print lady!

“I think I’m free. Dad usually takes me to the early service for church.”

Oh...Drake goes to church? I'm somewhat surprised.

“It’s so weird that you go to church even though the belief theory basically says there are no gods,” Willow says.

Martin plasters on his ‘obnoxious aloof know-it-all’ face and raises his index finger to point at nothing. “Actually, the belief theory only says we can’t scientifically prove the existence of specific legends, not that there is no—wait. I smell blood.”

Man! Interrupted just as things were getting interesting. I like Martin even more now--he strikes me as intelligent here.

Not that the interruption wasn't interesting too. Oh man...
And you mentioned Marie! Isn't she blonde too? I'm worried about her now--she's up among my favorite characters, and I don't want her to die! I must read on...





Stupid risks make life worth living.
— Homer Simpson