Braces, braces
Metal brackets clinging to imperfect teeth
Growing up with a girl who had an awkward face
Appearing in every picture, a glint in the flash of a camera.
Braces, braces
Watching a teenager in the mirror blow dry her hair, trying to be perfect
Snapping at the force of popcorn when authoritative parents weren’t watching
Taking hard earned money out of a faded leather wallet.
Braces, braces
Though my dispassion for you was strong, you were still a part of me
You could see every bit of my childhood wander through school
As I shared orthodontist stories with fellow metal mouths and ate hard candy
Gasping at popped wires and eyeing caramel for the lucky ones
Throughout the years of whining and groaning, you grew from a foreigner to an enemy.
Braces, braces
Setting pain in an innocent girl’s grin
Grabbing food and storing it at all the wrong times
We were always foes; you took me out of basketball practice
Woke me up early and made me miss an important test
Pulled me out of drama rehearsals during my scenes.
But I lived through it all.
And though my teeth are even,
You were, back then, my smile’s downfall.
But thank you for teaching me caution
Thank you for teaching me to get through dental difficulties
And thank you, most of all, for setting me and my teeth straight.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,940 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
I love this. O.O
Hello, darling, here as requested! I'd like to apologise for it taking so long for me to get around to this request - I don't know why, but every time I'd sit down to review it, I would be torn away by something else. Also, I haven't read the other reviews, so I risk repeating what they've already said.
Even if I add commas at the line breaks, it makes no sense.First off, I will say that I've never had braces (never needed them). So, subject matter done and over with; I won't critique that because I don't have the personal experience, but I'll assume that it's generally universal across the metalmouth community, haha.
Into poetic critique. Past this point, it's going to be a little harsh.
I am actually not a fan of your refrain. I think that if you're going to have a refrain, it should carry more weight than a simple repetition of the subject, because in this case at least, it made me feel like every few lines there was a repeat just because. What is the reason for the refrain? Why is it where it is in the poem? And if you don't have a solid answer, are you ready to edit it until you do?
Your viewpoint and tense are strange. You go from a kind of omnipotent narrator to a very specific narrator, and I'm actually unsure where the switch happens, but it makes me uncomfortable. If there is a viewpoint and tense change on purpose, I'd suggest possibly making it clearer, and substantiating it with an actual change in style, not just the elimination of the refrain at the end and the three indented lines.
Speaking of the elimination of the refrain and the three indented lines. This confuses me as well - you have the refrain for the first two thirds or so, but then you get rid of it and indent the lines instead, and I would actually like to hear a bit of your thought process behind that. So far, the idea of "braces" and the refrain tied the poem together, and even if I didn't like the refrain, if you're going to have one then you need a reason for taking it away. Also, with the three short indented lines, I realize that there is a purpose - setting the "turning point" of the story to lead into the lessons learned - but it looks kind of awkward, especially looking at the quite long lines before them. I'd suggest maybe a little regulation of the line lengths? This is free-verse, so it's not like you have to adjust the form every three steps, but I do feel like some of your lines get a little long and they wander away from the poem itself in a way. This might also cut down on the feeling of oddness when the shorter lines come along.
I'm also slightly confused by what seems to be a vague sort of a rhyme scheme in the three indented lines. I think what makes this feeling worse is that the rhyme "all/downfall" is uneven - while "all" is a stressed syllable (in the word, well, "all"), "fall" is an unstressed syllable in "downfall", unless you say it "downFALL" (which sounds like you just skipped an extra step on the stairs while you were talking and got shocked).
I find many of your turns of phrase and just lines in general awkward, especially in the context of a more informal poem. Actually, if I'm being honest about it, a lot of your lines feel rather... forced. I feel like the words don't quite fit together, and as a result, they're not portraying things as evenly as they could. For me, it's especially obvious in your first collection of lines between the first "braces, braces" and its first refrain; you seem to be using a sentence structure, so what is the sentence there?
I know, it's free verse. I've had many a reviewer say "but punctuation!" and I've had to say "but free verse!" I'm still going to recommend that you look at each of the word groups that you've put as sentences, and look at them the way they would look if you wrote them out as sentences, and see what you can do to fix them so they make sense. Also, while I understand that a lack of punctuation can be a stylistic effort, in this poem there are some points where you freely use punctuation and others where you don't, and I think that levelling it out would be useful - either add more punctuation, or get rid of it until you only have exactly what you need - and you don't need the periods at the end of word groups, trust me. You could get rid of those and keep the refrain, or you could get rid of those and scrap the refrain and separate the word groups by stanza breaks, and everyone would understand just fine.
Okay, other turns of phrase that bother me - "though my dispassion"? I get the feeling that this is largely a more informal poem, and that most definitely does not fit. The entirety of that line and the next, by the way, are one of my least favorite parts of this poem overall. They're completely emotionless, and while I know what I think you're trying to say, and I know that there's supposed to be a dislike going on, I don't feel anything, and on the first readthrough, I barely understood it. You tell the reader about the "dispassion" and then don't actually show it in the poem itself, you just leave it at "dispassion", and for me, that doesn't mean anger or dislike or anything like that, that means apathy, lethargy, "I don't care". And if you didn't care, why did you write this poem?
So, emotionally. Perhaps it's because I've never been affected by this, but I got little emotion out of this. I feel like the words are there, and I'm reading the words, and they don't spark anything in me. They're just words, not words conveying a potent image or an emotion. Even if I've never had braces, I should be able to feel the pain and the discomfort and the general irritation with having them - you give me specific situations, but you don't give me emotions to connect to those specific situations. You give me words that are supposed to connect to emotions, and they just plain don't. I think it's because you give me emotional words but then you don't show them - the closest I came to feeling emotion was "caramel for the lucky ones", because that actually showed a fair amount of resentment for not being able to eat that.
I also feel like the ending is rather dry and useless - you're basically wrapping up the idea and the story overall with a little Aesop, and while that can work well, in this case I feel like it leads to a sense of "sit down kids, and we'll learn our lesson for the day".
In short, there's a lot of telling and minimal depiction of the emotion, and I feel like a lot of the turns of phrase are awkward and the refrain is useless.
However, it's obviously a rather universal theme, considering how many people have braces in their lifetimes, and I think with a bit of polishing up, this could actually be pretty good. I actually did like the idea of coming to terms with something that makes life hell just to be able to get on with it in order to live a more normal life later on; I just think it could use a bit of tweaking. Keep writing!
Thanks for the review. I did ask, so I appreciate the time you took to review this.
First of all, I don't think a poem has to have emotions and feelings bursting out of it. So I understand you didn't feel anything, because maybe that wasn't my goal. I also get you couldn't relate, and not everyone will. As for the "Braces Braces" I had a very clear purpose for it, and not a just "because." I found that a little harsh you pointed that out, but it's okay you felt that. Everything in a poem is there for a specific reason, and if that's how you perceived the refrain, I'm glad you let me know. But the reason I included it was for a pattern that spiced up the poem and kept it flowing, not because I just wanted there. Maybe I didn't do a good job making it fit into the poem, but other people liked it. So maybe it's not all that bad?
I'll make time to work on some things, but I just think next time you should be a little bit easier? I don't know what your writing style is, but I would still understand everything was written for a specific reason and wouldn't use terms like "useless." i will work on the showing and not telling, as others mentioned that.
Thanks again
Thanks again
I will be honest, I went into this poem not intending to be any harsher than usual, but it bored me. Nothing looks like it has a reason, and even on a second, third, and fourth read, everything still looks like it was pushed together. This can work. Sometimes. Rarely. At the same time, I don't think it's a bad poem, I just think it's got poor execution as far as word choice.
I apologize for my harshness, but I still stand by the idea that there should be a re-evaluation to the refrain - you say you wanted it to "spice up the poem"? I don't feel it does anything like that. It's not exciting, or new, or different; it's just another refrain, and there's nothing to set it apart. Perhaps I shouldn't have called it "useless" - and I am primarily a free-verse writer, though I dabble in structured poetry from time to time - but to me, looking at this poem, it didn't look important. It honestly looked like I could take it away and just put stanza breaks in its place, and there would be almost no difference. I might form another opinion on it later on, when I get used to the piece, but for now? I don't like it. Understatement.
And as for the poem lacking emotion and perhaps that being intentional; why would anyone read a poem that has no emotion? It's relatable, but that's it. That's where it ends.
Questions: Who is your audience? Why would they enjoy this poem? Most poetry is written for a reason, so what's this one, besides writing about braces? Making people with braces feel like they're not alone? Making people without braces sympathize with people who have them? What is the purpose behind the refrain, besides adding something that isn't there? What is the purpose of the three indented lines with the really awkward uneven rhyme?
Like I said, I don't hate it. I think it needs editing. If I hated it, I'd be a lot nicer about this.
Okay, thanks again, anc.
Heyo!
Well, I already enjoyed this poem once, and I don't see much that need fixin'
So I'll just be veeery picky.
The way you phrase this makes it sound like the girl is dead. Maybe you could say "who used to have an awkward face?" But that would mess with the rhythm a bit.
You seem to be inconsistent with your grammar. Please take a second and third look at it. (for example, your end punctuation.) Also, you probably know this, but you don't have to have capitalization at the start of every line. Just a reminder!
This part seemed especially awkward. It sounds like the popcorn has become sentient and is now using The Force to make you snap your fingers....
I assume you're talking about your parents' money. You should specify that. As it is, it sounds like you're paying dearly to buy this sentient popcorn.
Most of the rest of my nitpicks are my personal stylistic choice, and so I will not disclose them.
Basically, your content is perfect though. You really have lived through braces.
I think it might be better if you gave a little bit more description for the pain, and less just "pain" or whatever, because if you want people to know what having braces is like (that's what I thought this poem was about), people who haven't had them don't know what its like to have this stuff hugging your teeth all the time, or what wires feel like, sticking into your cheeks, rubbing holes in them, etc. etc.
Show people what it feels like, don't tell.
Great job! Keep writing!
~fortis
Thank fort, I appreciate this review. If you don't see changes in it for the next two days, it's because I'm gonna be busy
so I hope you don't get mad because you said that was your "price"I'll definitely work on adding in more showing! You're very correct in all you say. Thanks for taking the time to review my poem ^^
Timmy here!
), and just eating in general really changes. No doubt no popcorn is the most difficult of all of the tragedies that befall you when you bear braces. xD
Why did you ask me to review this piece? Do you expect me to nitpick something that doesn't have anything wrong with it?So this was a very neat poem, and one I found very humorous. And that isn't because I have had braces (although my sister does and she constantly complains about it. I don't know who has gone through more, her feeling it or me hearing it), but because I haven't. I do know that braces are painful - my sister's complaining can't all be a ruse - and that they can be a big bother and take a long amount of time, because you have to brush your teeth, can't eat some candy (the hardest part, probably.
So yes, now to find at least one nitpick... Oh, found one. *fist bump with imaginary friend*
First of all, let's look at the focus of this poem. Look at the beginning. The narrator seems to be something unknown - could be a leaf blowing in the wind passing the window, for all th reader knows - and is something or someone completely detached from the situation. It's a person or thing that doesn't feel the situation, and is a mere spectator, narrating what the MC feels - you. That is lovely, and perfectly alright. But... now look at the next stanza/paragraph. (This is entirely beside the point, but I believe this poem would fall into the category of prose, if my knowledge -which is ever lacking - is correct. Want to know, ask Pompadour.) Okay, back to the next paragraph, and beyond. Your next stanza/para changes perspective, and goes to you narrating the poem and your feelings for the braces... which is also lovely and nice, except it changes the viewpoint of the poem and could ultimately pull your reader out of the poem. Possibly. Teensy nitpick.
And one more thing - repetition. You had a lovely thing going with your repeat of Braces, braces, but then you stopped. I was actually getting into the rhythm of the poem, and the little repeat of those two words were almost like the tempo of the piece, but. then. they. just. stopped. And that was the one other thing I think you could have done better - and it would have been easy to fix that. Just use it to split up your stanzas like you did earlier, and then Voila! - nitpick fixed.
I, like Noelle, liked the fact that the narrator was griping about everything, showing her dislike for braces and the problems they have, blah, blah blah... But then in the last three lines, it's almost like you went, "Oh, well, isn't there something good about them?" And that was cool. Because, painful or not, braces do fix something. And they make your smile purty in the end.
I guess that is all I have to say on this piece. Sorry for short review. There wasn't much I could add to the amazing reviews you already have, and I am also sorry if I just repeated what the other reviewers said... I didn't read through them all.
~Darth Timmyjake
Thanks timmy! This review was super helpful
I'm always glad to have you review my work
Hi there!
What I really like about this poem is how the speaker's tone changes by the time we reach the end. All except for the last three lines, the speaker has a bitter tone. The speaker is complaining about their braces, of all that they have suffered because of them. It's nice to see that turn there at the end where the speaker takes on a more thankful, softer tone. It works really well; you presented the turn perfectly. It's also quite ironic, seeing as I was expecting the speaker to continue complaining about the braces through until the end. Great turn there at the end.
Just a nitpick here:
This line is one I would consider changing, mainly because of clarification. This line sounds as if the speaker is saying that she woke up early and missed a test. However, I think you meant to say the braces woke her up early and also missed an important test. If you add a comma in there and took out the word 'and', it'll work well.
Another thing that works well in this poem is the repetition of the line "Braces, braces". It's repeated four times throughout the poem and keeps the reader focused on the subject. It's nice to have that there so we won't have to work as hard to figure out what the subject is. Readers are lazy like that xD
I'd like to talk about that line real quick though. I notice that there is no punctuation at the end of the line. This wouldn't be that big of a deal, but it does end up seeming like enjambment:
Isolating these two lines, it sounds as if the sentence goes: 'Braces, braces metal brackets clinging to imperfect teeth'. And that's not what you're going for here. With the proper punctuation at the end of that line, 'Braces, braces', you can isolate the line and really make it effective. You can either use a period of a semi-colon, even a dash possibly. A comma would once again tie the line to the line below it. Just something to think about. Because reading through this, it seems that you want to keep 'Braces, braces' isolated.
There isn't a lot of imagery in this poem, but when there is imagery, it works well. I especially like this line:
The braces were snapping. They were breaking, weren't slowly falling apart; they were snapping. That's a very powerful word that creates a very powerful image. Now of course, that's what braces do when they break, they snap. But there were a hundred different other ways that this could've been described, and you chose the word 'snapping'. Word choice is very important when it comes to poetry. Not only do you have less words to work with to make your piece work, but you also have to make sure those words you choose send the right emotion to the readers. One example that my poetry professor used is that there is a big difference between saying that you ate steak, and saying that you ate cow. Saying you ate steak is normal, everyone knows steak as a type of food. Saying you ate cow, however, gives the impression that you ate the actual animal. There's a huge difference there. The same applies to your decision to use 'snapping' instead of 'breaking'. Snapping is much more powerful.
Not to mention that entire line is probably the truest thing ever. I remember sneaking gum and soda when my mom wasn't looking. I also never wore my rubber bands no matter how much my mom bothered me about it. I was such a bad braces wearer...
If there was anything that I think should be worked on in this poem, it's the details. This poem is quite broad in its subject matter. And it works well like that. However, it would work even better, I think, if it was focused on a certain time of the speaker's life. Then you could really focus on everything that they suffered through during that time instead of just saying that she was pulled out of basketball practice and missed tests. Having a more specified subject would truly bring out the emotion and feeling of the speaker.
Overall this is a great poem. I had to read through it with a fine tooth comb to avoid a review of me gushing over how great this poem is. I can see why no one has left a review; it's just too good. I truly enjoyed reading this and I could definitely relate.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Noelle, you are truly a poet master now ^^
This was very very very very very helpful and I am so glad you reviewed it!
Ugh those rubber bands were awful, weren't they?
Thank you again!! I will work on all you mentioned
Hi! Guess who's back? Sorry I was gone for so long. Just hit a couple-month-long writer's block. But I'll be posting again soon, I hope. Anyways, for the review!
I have braces, and I looked at this as motivation. Motivation to do what, you may ask? To throw a Twix at the wall and scream, "FORGET YOU I HAVE METAL ON MY TEETH AND YOU'LL JUST RUIN MY GLORIOUS (not) BRACKETS AND WIRES AND ALL THAT MESS"
Don't ask. Please do not ask.
Anyways, beautiful ode you have here. I should write an ode. Hmm... Maybe an ode to cats. Please do not steal the idea anyone reading this, I'm desperate for something to publish.
And I read the comment about the orthodontists and the lollipops. Doctor Ray (my orthodontist) has this system called Raybucks where every visit you get some and you can buy prizes. The prizes are mostly crappy though, and the only things interesting are 50 Raybucks or 100 Raybucks, and you only get three or four every visit. And every visit is every 6 weeks or something like that.
Anyways, I'll stop rambling now. This wasn't really a review, just kind of - a - something. I really do need to get off my bum and go write something.
I'll do a real review sometime later. Congratulations on getting it into the Featured Works!
Keep up the fantastic writing. I love it
~Em101cats~
Er thanks ^^ There's an orthodontist in my area who does the same thing with the "bucks," but I don't go to her.
I appreciate the kind words
I'll do a full review with more kind words sometime
and I have failed my readers by not posting Chapter Fifteen Part Two yet >> I'm so sorry
Spoiler
Uh oh you better go post that!
I will try
OMG I can totally relate to this! Braces sucks! Great poem it really shows how miserable they are. I have had one to many pictures ruined by braces..... :/
For someone who got her braces tightened yesterday, man, this speaks so true.
Also the dentist doesn't even give the older kids lollipops. I think it's criminal. >.>those darned dentistsHey, Writer!
I think the best one is about the camera. Ugh... When I look at my Year Seven photo (beginning of High school), I die. My mom had it on a cabinet and every time my friends saw it they'd have a jolly good laugh -_- that's why hate braces. Photos. Plus when you have to have new ones on/old ones taken off - that's pretty painful.
You posted this yesterday!?! WHAAAAAAT? SEVEN COMMENTS! *gasps* I know you're popular... But wow.
So I'm gonna give you a long review. Yes, I'm going to try with all my might to get out of this terrible procrastinating mood. And your poem will most likely do the trick
Themes!
Two main themes in here, both in which nicely coincide with one another: Growing up and Braces. Wow, this brings me back. I think a lot of people can relate to this. I certainly can, I mean, I got retainers first (which were plastic), I survived about a year with those and went onto train tracts, which I had for a year and half - and look at me! I'm as pretty as a picture! Pfffft. Yeah right. But they one thing that stands out to me a lot is how you cleverly "weaved" these two themes in with one another. I sincerely believe you did this purposefully. You should give yourself a pat on the back. You really showed what a good writer (poet-ess) by using such perfect themes for one another. They coupled nicely. Great stuff!
Devices used!
Okay, this is a very, VERY enjoyable moment for me now... Oh, by the way - I got an A in English for my poetry section, are you proud of me?
Ahem. So, everyone - and I mean EVERYONE - will tell you that my favourite devices is enjambment. I could witter on about it all day. I love how open to interpretation it is - you could just drone on all day because the meanings are endless. But here is what I got from it:
1) The first and foremost is definitely time. In fact, enjambment usually revolves around time. Why? Because enjambment is where two lines run over into each other, which shows the passing of time. Brilliant, eh? And I think this passing of time is used to show how long this girl has had her braces on for. You talk about her as a child who gradually grows up to be a teen. So, you say "girl" and then "teen" so I am presuming (because usually the longest you have braces on is like three years) that this girl is going through high school at the time. Which is wonderful when you say "You could see every bit of my childhood wander through school", I loved that verse. Because its so true.
2) I also that of all the memories collected over time. You give us various reasons you could complain about braces... Which are honestly and regretfully true. I was surprised chewing gum wasn't in there, because everyone complains about that. But I liked how you kept it original
I think what I liked most about this poem was that it was so relatable. It really meant something to me because I had experienced it. You're a fabulous poet-ess! Great job!
Yours sincerely,
Traunt
Thanks Traunt! You interpreted the poem very well
This was set in elementary to middle school (4th-8th grade). Thank goodness I didn't hit high school as a metal mouth, though I have to wear a retainer all four years -_-
But all of my friends are just now getting their braces
sucker^^I never had a problem with chewing gum, actually. I never touched it, but i did eat popcorn and pop my wire XD that's why chewing gum wasn't mentioned
You're welcome! Thankful I only had them 1 year of High School. But I still wear the retainers today XD I'm worried they will revert back.
I like how it is an experience. It was great!
I'm about to get braces and I'm not looking forward to it ._. Great poem ( I guess you would call it that, maybe a short story lol ). Tell popcorn my goodbyes, and say hello to blender food for 3-4 weeks >.<
Why no reviews(only one)?
Because it's just awesome like that
I can agree with all of this since I, of course, have braces and it is true for most of the part. Overall, Ilove it!!!
I love this poem. I'm not sure if someone said this, but it would be easier to read if you put a period or two in.
Overall, great poem!
I'm off to do that now. Thanks!
Hey, lyricalrebel here to give you a review.
This is actually a refreshing thing to read compared to the dramatic or, sometimes, twisted pieces that I take pleasure of. It kind of reminds me of myself and my insecurities back when I was a kid. Although I never had the chance to wore braces, I know how it felt like to have something hinder and watch over you as you grow up.
Repeating the words, "Braces, braces", mixed really well with the poem. It didn't destroy the momentum by reminding the readers what it's all about.
Next, it is not "down fall", it's "downfall".
Lastly, don't forget to place full stops after every sentence.
But, all in all, your poem was a perfect way to start my day. Great job and keep writing! Kudos!
Minor typo...will change that right now.
Thanks for the review! I felt so happy to get mine off I just had to write a poem about it >.<
This is so true. Thank you for the beautiful simple light this shines on those Of The Metal Mouth. If you ask me, salt water taffy is the biggest tragedy of Things You Cannot Have.
I really love this poem, especially as a former metal mouth myself!
I didn't make this a formal review because I only have one nitpick. There's not a single period in your poem! The images are great and I love your word choice, but at times its hard to read because there are no periods to mark the end of your thoughts. Sometimes when I'm not sure if you are starting a new thought or not.
If you made the choice to omit periods for a certain reason, then I have no complaints. Good job and keep writing!
Thanks for the review! I will definitely reconsider placing some punctuation in there
*metal mouths, unite!*