The Light

Hi Thewriter13, Amindor here.
Your poem is wonderful, and I really enjoyed reading it. It has a very smooth flow, and it's great, although I do have a few concerns.

At the end of the poem, how you ended it with two lines, I kind of felt like there should have been a bit more. You maybe could have a more vibrant ending to close it up. It was, to admit, though, a good ending, but, I think you know what I mean.

I think in some parts of the story, you could have had a higher vocabulary in it to grab the reader's attention a bit more. You could have used similar words or phrases, or synonyms.

Your rhyming scheme is brilliant, and the first group of lines I think are my favorite with the rhyming.

I love how you used such a strong topic and great meaning behind the poem, because sometimes I will see a poem that's different and not strong enough for the meaning behind it.

When you said 'Jesus Christ' at the end, it seems pretty good, but I thought that maybe you could have said something different, like 'My Christ', or something like that. It's not that big of a problem, though.

I just loved reading this poem, and I can't wait to read more of yours in the future. Keep being awesome, and continue writing!!

Zontafer here!
I'm not Christian but I decided to review this anyways, since it looks good!

I like how you started out with only rhyming the 2nd, 4th, 5th and 7th line. It kind of gave me just enough to keep on reading. The imagery is pretty good as well, and it feels like the character is lonely and afraid, with the words and tone you've written this with.

Your second stanza(?) reminded me of all those stories in the Bible where saints(?) and such see the light, and God(or Jesus?) speaks to them. Sorry 'bout the parentheses, I'm not good at Christian stuff. xD

The last lines reminds of something that could possibly be a miracle, whilst the lines above resembles safety and makes me think of martyrs. The poem is either about someone getting to Heaven, a miracle, or someone dying a martyr death.

I hope I'm not completely wrong if not, that's at least how it sounds like.

Anyways, I liked the poem and your words you chose. Nice piece. ^^

- Zontafer

You make me cry...

Hi! Cricket here for a review as requested! I know what you were thinking yesterday, when I didn't review this and went and reviewed your review instead, but I was forced into such a calamity! But now I'm here, and I shall review!

Heh, knew that thread would come in handy! And from the looks of it, some people didn't like the concept of this poem. How dare they? lol I shall rip this work of yours to pieces I shall praise this piece to death! Oh, and I'm going to make this a shorter review than usual, due to you having a lot of feedback already on this, and the fact that my hands are burnt right now, so its a little uncomfortable to type. Hope you don't mind!

So the concept is just utterly amazing! You and I seem to be on about the same page when it comes to good morals and religion, so I can't critique you at all with the religious side of things.

So I noticed that a couple of other people mentioned that the flow is inconsistent. It is true is some spots, but I thought I'd show a couple of parts that I thought makes it that way.

A winding path I follow
Concentrated upon

Concentrated upon
The trees all seem hollow

His presence is always bright enough to help me

Timmy here for a short review!

I loved this poem. Truly. For being younger by three years, your idea and focus on this poem was amazing. The idea that progresses as you go along. Just perfect. I love that it seemed to focus on your faith, although their was a subtle feeling that it didn't until the last few stanzas.. But I saw your point. I saw what you were talking about, the entire way through the poem. I loved the development in it, the journey from the beginning to the end, where the person is walking and alone--the darkness overwhelming them. The fear creeping down into them. This isn't a visual poem (well, that isn't the focus), but I saw a beautiful picture the whole way through.

Like I said, I am a sucker for character development. I suppose that me saying that has now become redundant. But with me, if there is no development, there is no story. Its as simple as that. And since this does have such a wonderful character arc in it, not only a story arc, I suggest that this isn't really poetry per se, but more prose. You can ask Pompadour, the poetic genius, to make sure that this is indeed prose. But to me, it sure looks like it. And there is nothing wrong with it being prose! Nothing at all. I actually find it a more difficult way of doing poetry than merely describing the scene and making if full of word. Pretty words, yes. But still somewhat empty, save for creating a scene to see.

In this poem, you captured both of those important elements.

But, then in the distance, a light shines in

I'm not religious, but this was still pretty cool. Great poem!

Hi, Thewriter13. Margo here for a review on this wonderful Wednesday!

Weren't you the one that said you had difficulty rhyming? You chose some excellent rhyming couplets in this. I'd have to say that the first stanza is probably my favorite. 'Follow and hallow' are a great word pair. Another thing that is really great about this poem is that it has true meaning. You chose to write about something other than your lowsy boyfriend, stinky feet, or mental state. You wrote about what it means to be in the light!

Something I can suggest for improvement on this poem would be to set a solid rhyme scheme. In your first stanza you rhyme every other line. In your second you rhyme every line. I personally prefer your rhyme scheme for the first stanza over the second. If you feel so possessed to, you could try rewording the second stanza so that the the lines rhyme every other line. You may find the poem to be improved...although it is already very good. I found one tiny typo:

My hand begin to shake

Seriously,a great piece of poetry.
Revolves beautifully around the theme of spirituality,creating a mild ecstasy within.
You're really good at this!
One suggestion though- Instead of taking The Almighty's full name in all its concreteness,why dont you just write "Christ" ? Cos,I really feel,that it would give the poem a higher edge ,making it sound better.Details matter,you know!

And you could play around a bit with words ,while choosing some catching phrase to attach to the ending line -"The dreadful night turning into a bright day!"
-To give a more ethereal impact!

But in a nutshell,its a beauty.
Keep writing!!

Hey there! This poem is really good and it deserves to be featured. Please excuse this short review; this poem is nearly flawless!
Your first stanza reminded me a lot of The Sounds of Silence. Let me match up a few lines.
There's the first ones: "Hello darkness, my old friend" with As I walk in the darkness.
"Because a vision softly creeping" and "planted in my brain" with Fear creeps into my mind.
Then there's the light of Jesus and the neon light, which are similar, too! They're both in first person and everything! Do you think that you were influenced by that song when writing this poem? It certainly makes sense if you were!
The only negative thing I can find is the rhyming. It's inconsistent and therefore slightly distracting.

His presence is always bright enough to help me

I really like this, It's really good see if you can add more verses.

Whoops! Forgot o hit that review swith. Dont mind me!

Well as an atheist I cannot vicariously relate to your stance only refute it
However I did not think that the work itself was bad. I would just like to cite a spelling error
when you said my hand begin to shake, I think you meant my hand begins to shake, or my hands begin to shake. And a homynal argument is allso at the fore. Although it is entirely possible that the trees were hallow, I woul jus like tho point out that you coul have been going for hollow? Its nitpicking I know but thier wasnt musch else to critique. I thought the clean crisp prose style was flatterig to the journey through morose pitch, followed by enlightenment. I think you hail the christian god from your mention of jesus. Well I think jesus would approve of your grammar (; Overall a job well done.

Well as an atheist I cannot vicariously relate to your stance only refute it
However I did not think that the work itself was bad. I would just like to cite a spelling error
when you said my hand begin to shake, I think you meant my hand begins to shake, or my hands begin to shake. And a homynal argument is allso at the fore. Although it is entirely possible that the trees were hallow, I woul jus like tho point out that you coul have been going for hollow? Its nitpicking I know but thier wasnt musch else to critique. I thought the clean crisp prose style was flatterig to the journey through morose pitch, followed by enlightenment. I think you hail the christian god from your mention of jesus. Well I think jesus would approve of your grammar (; Overall a job well done.

Well, this seemed more like a religious chanting than a poem, but I shall do my best to review it anyway.
Rhyming: Inconsistent, and often didn't work. First off, you didn't rhyme anything with darkness, and you made the timely mistake of taking a word that is spelled the same way and pretending that it rhymed because of that (i.e. mind/wind).
Now, not to be too harsh, since your author's note says that this is not your current writing style, at least. However, I think you meant hollow, not hallow, when you were describing the trees .
Flow: Also rather inconsistent. The syllables were off big time, and it messed with my head.
So yeah, as a religious chanting sort of thing, this made sense.
You have said in your A/N that this isn't how you still write. Hopefully, if you want to live this up to your current standards, maybe go through it and edit it to make the rhyming and flow better. It also had a rather Doctor Seussy feel, which didn't exactly fit the content .
I thought your descriptions were interesting, though, and the story you told provided nice imagery. Good job on those things.
Overall rating: 7.5/10
+1
P.S. Woah I didn't mean for this to sound so harsh. Sorry about that. xD

Wow such a beautiful poem!!! Let me guess, hope right? If so it's such a strong one. However I feel like something's missing, something that you usually have in your work. If I had to give it a name it would probably be passion. I mean there is one there, but not like you usually have. Don't get me wrong it's still beautifully constructed, and it most definitely gets the point across. Anyways loved the poem it sorta told a story. Even back then you were good for your age! Can't wait to read more of your stuff, keep calm and write on!! =^_^=