Father To Daughter (Please Forgive Me)

Truthfully I didn't really find it interesting, this was a little 'bland' but no worries my friend. It's fixable. Go over it, examine it and see what you can change and make better. My book is just as bad maybe even worse, it needs a little love. Just be creative and take your time. Don't write because you feel you need too. Write because you love it, if it's something you love. Do it. Despite what anyone else says. If you want any advice, despite the lack of potential in my book, poems, novels, essays, whatever your writing. It takes time, and shouldn't be rushed. This may have flaws but I did like the following sentences:

Thoughts came rushing back
Like a base under attack

'Well put, good job.'

I never looked back
Traveled with a new pack

'I liked this, not only because of how it sounded but what it meant.'

I'm just a deadbeat
A rotting slab of meat

'I love stuff like this.'

Also: Poems and such, don't have to rhyme. It just needs to mean something.
I hope you didn't find this offending, even though I didn't quite 'love' this. Don't give up your writing. Practice makes perfect!

Sincerely, @ScarletDreams14

Writer, Artist, Student and Reader

Hey there, friend.

So I know that this is part of a series, and I know that this character probably has more character development in other places in this series, but he felt quite flat to me. The poems are obviously more focused on someone else, but this father feels like Bowser in Super Mario: 2D and villainous.

I just had a conversation about villains, and we came to the conclusion that no villain is really a villain if their story is told, and that the "truth defies simplicity" (That's a John Green quote right there). So really, this guy feels bitter and gross, and I'd like to see a little more depth out of him, rather than the feeling that a villain is meeting a downfall.

Your rhyme scheme feels a little forced. If I were you, I'd erase the rhyme completely and stick to blank verse. However, that's ultimately up to you.

Try not to start your lines with the same word so much. It's an easy habit to fall into, especially writing in first person, but try to avoid it, as it quickly turns the reader off.

And really, he's got to have realized that people cheat for a reason by now. So I don't know if he would feel so angry still at the mother, though people are like that. So it's whatever.

I hope that this review proves useful to you! Merry writing, and happy fahrvergnügen!

This an interesting piece of work... I was just wondering if this is based off of personal experience or if it's just a random idea you had. If it's personal there is no need to tell...

I loved the imagery in this, with the newspaper and all... I was kind of confused about what happened. You don't need to explain that more in the poem, I just want to know personally...

Keep up the good work!

Hey there!
So this was an interesting poem, something I haven't seen before. I liked that new perspective it gave me. I also felt like I went on the emotional journey with the father through each stanza, so well done on that as well.
The main thing I saw was just problems with the way the words and rhyming flowed together. All in all, it worked together well, but there were a few things I saw...

It was your stupid mother
She was screwing another
I acted on impulse.
I didn't think it out
I wasn't very stout - This line seems out of place, with a forced rhyme.
I acted on impulse.

I never looked back
Traveled with a new pack - This also seems a little out of place, using the word 'pack.' I see the rhyme you're trying to make, but again, it feels a little forced here.
I didn't really care.
I had dreams about you
But if you dreamed of me,
I didn't really care.

I should've come home
And made you feel un-alone - I KNOW you can come up with something better than un-alone. Even try, 'And made you feel at home.' or 'And made you feel not alone.'
But it's way too late.
I'm just a deadbeat
A rotting slab of meat
But it's way too late - I think here you should change the 'But.' I think even if you changed it to 'And,' it would make more sense and give the stanza more progression.

My favorite part was the very last stanza. It shows some real emotion, which I love.
Great job with this overall. Keep writing!