Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
I guess I've not much to say on that chapter that I haven't said on the previous one.
So two points that I find bothering :
- As there's no real indication of time passing, it looks like everything happened just after the previous action, and the journey on ship look like five minutes long (and so the different places seem just a few paces apart).
- Again, I've problem with your main character. She ordered cold blood murder in the previous chapter, almost casually, and now she totally lose control on herself. That really looks like it's not the same character.
Apart from this, the story is still good that way, with less dialogue than the beginning. Keep it that way.
Hi there! Noelle back again. Getting tired of me yet?
YES! This is what I was looking for in the previous chapter. There's the Ari that I've gotten to know. She really does miss her brother and worry about him. But she has to keep up a mask to keep her crew with her.
Another great chapter. You seem to have really settled down and found your niche. You're story is moving along quite well. There's more imagery and description in this chapter which I love. Keep it up!
So we've hit the main adversary here. Salian is this mysterious man, or woman, that strikes fear in everyone; even the Pirate Queen. And now he/she has Nick. There's a lot here that I'm dying to know about. Who exactly is Salian and why are they so dangerous? I'm sure these are going to be questions that'll be answered later on. But you're doing a good job keeping us on the edge of our seats. I really can't wait to read more!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Here I am again! I am so so so so sorry I didn't do this before.
When you want to have an event of which there are two conspirators "betraying" each other but are secretly working together, a double cross, and not have any reader figure it, simply don't mention that it i prearranged.
Go ahead and when the double cross occurs, readers will be left stunned by your evilness.
However, if you want to let on to the readers and yet not let it on, try using winks, weird behaviors, or something of the like to show an alliance, but tantalizingly.
What to did so far is evilly good.
Also you should really tell me when your rewrite is up! It's much oker
the rewrite is up....
Warning: read with caution!!!!
Hey Aurora. Here again! I have been exhausted reviewing Tenyo, and I should probably wait a day or so, but in dying of boredom and have to review. A tension filled plot this week. Good. Me like. Last week was cheesy.
Overall I would caution you to be more careful. You are using a very tricky tense, and you skewer yourself several, read many, times. I love Ellie Goulding.
Read this closely. At first the former dialogue looks like Tris is talking. But then....
No it's still aria talking. What? This is so confusing.
Be concise. Warning hand is good enough.
I like the fact that later she is betrayed. This is so little of a command and so much of a request. Pirate captains should have command in their voice. Sharp, to keep sailors in line.
Too much leavings. "Selena leaves, and Tris and I are alone again." Ou could even ignore the "again."
Why would you describe the color of the corset and leave out that of the tunic? If the tunic is brown as well, leave out the preceding article.
Wait. Was she wearing his shirt?
Where did she get the shirt for him from? Or is she just wearing a corset all by itself?
(Note that this looks a lot like @Lucrezia)
Bossy! I like!
Replace "the" preceding handgun with "an" since it provides an illusion of multiple stuff. Remove "that is." It is extraneous.
I thought the rum was or the messenger?
How can a boy return without having been there in the first place?
All I can think of is...
I just hate dotted lines in dialogue lines!
What pain? I felt no pain! Give us some pain! The moment you said pain I went:
Sparks of what? How do they look? Are they painful? Why little? Why not sparks dance? Erupt? Why in the world do you use erupt? That is so boring!
The number of extraneous words in this sentence is too high. Hit me with the words that are not required!
Once again, bad word choice. Barely? You mean she's about to die from lack of breath?
Why not painfully? Or raggedly? Or something else?
Style clashing! I would prefer if you didn't use an adverb here, as you can do so much better with a clause like, "his features fraught with anxiety." After a comma after me.
From this act I predict that he will be captain of the ship for twenty four hours. He took from the bottle after hearing it was poisoned?
Why not throw it to a dog or a lesser crew member?
Supports me how? With one foot on my head? Holding my ears?
This sentence, makes no sense.
I believe this was the position they were in.
Salian's crew is spotted, definitely far away, rather. And suddenly they are on the deck? That was pretty fast.
Where did the sword come from? Also, what happened to courtesy greetings?
She can't speak properly to her lover but can immediately speak to the Salian dude? Man, it must either be healing faster than hours or her anger is so great that it cures anything. Neither scenario is working for me.
I didn't know aria could change genders on a whim.
New type of stare to add to my repertoire. How exactly do I do a Tristan?
Definitely can't be emotion healing her. Where did her force of will go? Is she sapping off Tristan's strength?
Wrong preposition and no end punctuation. Replace "with" with "at."
Villain regaling their plans to the protagonist cliché.
Villain seizing power because they were dissatisfied with not having enough power cliché.
I mean, must all villains be so power hungry in this manner?
Looks like the crew is just following orders since they drew in the first place which means they don't know about Tris plans which means they won't be happy later which means. Twenty four hours.
World record for the most number of different subjects in a single paragraph. Split it up! Also there are too many repetitions of the "me" type! Get rid of one third o them and you are doing great. How does the cell even look like? Do we picture a generic cell or what?
I'm a boat now. Yay!
I thought this girl is feared? She seems just like a pesky annoying figurehead. No power. No control. You forgot the article "a" for the second bastard.
Generic blackout ending to story!
Now that I have finished reading the piece...
Have fun writing!!
Thanks, pies. I really hate this chapter and will go back and edit it- I wrote this at 2 am one night when I realized I wouldn't have time. So... it sucks. Badly.
Oooh, Now this. THIS. This is your best chapter yet.
Let me know when chapter five is out.
One thing I didn't like was the the fact that Tristan and Aria came up with the plan for him to "betray" her. I don't like that you made it perfectly clear about their plan. I enjoy surprises! I suggest you edit that part out so it seems like he's really in it to betray her but he really isn't; he's just tricking Salian into believing he feels nothing for Arianne.
The other thing I didn't like was how fast the poison wore off. I'm not sure what poison you're talking about, but all the poisons I know of take a while to wear off; like a good couple days. The symptoms are more than just dizziness. I'm pretty sure she would've needed to throw up or something to get it out of her body. Do make that part more realistic.
But omg, this is getting really good! I like that we're seeing Arianne as the Pirate Queen she is, and not something else. I still can't help but think of her as that scared little girl getting beat by her father, though, and I still wish she had kicked his butt. I look forward to seeing how she's going to get out of this mess, get her ship back, save her brother, and kill Salian.
Hope this helps~
Thanks for the review! I'll fix what you said!
How do people get Iggy to review an entire novel....I must be doin something wrong!