Young Writers Society

Hello . So, let's see, I honestly always love a good fantasy and so far yours seems promise quite a nice story. I like the idea of different races and mixings between those, and the fact that it doesn't perjudicate any kind of heritage as long as they're apparently blood related.
I do like how you began with such and encounter and you did show how much these 2 loved each other.
Of course, a whole bunch of context is needed to really grasp a whole of the situation correctly but as far as it goes I believe I have enough of an idea to keep reading and find out more.
Now, I'd like to know why does the father have such an autority over them both, is it some kind of power that bounds them to him? Or maybe just the presence he has as the head of the family? I'm eager to know.
And the only thing I found lacking was about the lack of impact that the conversation with the father had, I believe It could be more dramatic so as to prove the situation between those two.
Last, but not least, Is the fact that you use dialogues to go through the story and explain things. I believe a little more of narration here and there would be better than to have like a two thirds of dialogues and just one paragraph or such of proper narration....just a bit more as to not hinder your style.

All of this is just adressed to the first chapter since I haven't read the rest, but I sure will!
Also, I really like the title she has "The Pirate Queen", sounds quite cool if you ask me

Well this is a story I'll definitely read more of. Firstly, it isn't plagues with syntax confusion and grammatical errors, which goes a far way in making me continue to read. The reuniting of the siblings is really a nice start, and it's neat how different dimensions and aspects to the fantasy world are seamlessly introduced, like the existence of vampires and so on. I think the conversation between Arianna and her father should have been more dramatic though, seeing she was gone for so long.

I can see that the pasts and destinies of both siblings will be unwinding as we go along. I hope they both remain main characters and one doesn't become a backdrop of the other. I look forward to reading more of this. There isn't any action just yet, so I'm still wondering how the fight scenes will play out. I hope they will be spectacular! Keep writing, and keep on editing and proofreading your work to maintain this level of grammar.

Excellent work.

You give lots of information through dialogue, perhaps a little less that way and a little more outside would be better. And also had a few descriptions could help, as I can barely picture how look the characters.
But this thing as some energy in it, the universe seems to have lots of things to discover, and you make me want to read the next chapter to see where all this is heading. All considered a pretty good start.

Your characters; Arianna and Nick are off- fully close for half brother and sister. I thought their relationship was cute but disturbing to read lol. Picking her up and nose to nose- in your face moments when they speak. They sounded like a divorced couple. I found nothing wrong with your work, the dialogue was interesting yet confusing which brings out the beauty of a mystery to find out in the next few chapters.

Obviously their is a big ass daddy issue, which i'm dying to know and the main character Arianna has a grudge against her so called not real mother. Which interests me more.
You spelt Korea wrong though and my favorite part was:

"Nick growls, "Because if I come with you, my enemies become your enemies, Arianna! I will not do that to you!"

"I don't need protection, Nick! I'm not a fainting pansy like the other ladies you know!""
It just sounds more brotherly and sisterly love instead of that disturbing feeling I had before. Like later in your work it did start sounding like a family thing.

Great work, you did EPIC!

Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!

When I manage to gather up the strength to speak, I say, "Don't call me that. I'm a bastard, an illegitimate daughter. I don't even fit in."

"And I'm an assassin, a murderer, a cold-hearted killer."

hey Aurora! Great to see this having more steam! I really like that even though this is a spin-off. I love spin-offs. I like that you have a lot of dialogue, and that it takes up most of the space. I also like that the plot of moving slowly here. Fast plots are good, sometimes, but I like where this is going!
There are a few things you have to watch out for, though. I will go through them point by point. The first point is that you have really nice sentences, but then suddenly you have a very long one, which leaves the reader out of rhythm as well as breath. Let’s take a look at some examples?

I look up at the massive, looming house and shudder at the memories that run through me at the sight of the creamy walls and dark, shadowy outbuildings.

"Don't call me that. I'm a bastard, an illegitimate daughter, the one that doesn't fit in."

"And I'm an assassin, a murderer, a cold-hearted killer."

Hello!

Okay, so I'm not a big fan of the pacing. It jumped around a lot and especially when you threw in there that they were in her old bedroom. Why didn't you just say so in the beginning? I assumed that they were outside, since the tone of the brother's dialogue made me think that she had made her first appearance.

A lot of this was dialogue, which made short sentences and paragraphs. And while it's not a bad thing, I still feel like you can do more to add in details. First off, you can tell us what Arianna looks like and what Nikolas looks like. You can give us a little tidbit of their past and why Arianna is banished, or why she's injured. Something like that.

Mostly what this lacks is imagery. I suggest you add in more, like details of their surroundings and of each other.

This overall seems off to a good start. You end it with a cliffhanger, as we worry what will happen to the two of them. I'm curious to see how the next chapter will go. ^^

Hey! IamTruant here!
You've picked a really interesting theme! Great start! I was intrigued right from the beginning!

Just something you need to change:

THe voice of my half brother cuts through my heart.

"I'm sorry, Ari-lady. Come on, sister." I hiss when he jostles my sprained ankle.

o it's really good I like it it is brirrent it's really gooooooooooooooooood!!!!!