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by AlfonsoFernandez

The night is cold, my fingers frozen.

And all I wonder then,

Is if I'll ever write again.

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68 Reviews

Points: 10065
Reviews: 68

Sun Nov 24, 2013 10:04 pm
Archer wrote a review...

With such a short poem, each word needs to be really carefully chosen. If it doesn't add anything except syntax to the poem, it should probably be removed. For example:

Is if I'll ever write again.

Is too long for a short poem! It's also kind of a let-down because it doesn't really capture the gravity of the situation. That is, I'm imagining a speaker who is freezing to death and whose last thoughts are, "I'll never write again!" That's ripe for poetry, but the last line instead makes it seem like he kind of doesn't care. Instead, consider switching it to something like, "Will I ever write again?".

Also, maybe consider changing frozen to something like immobile? Actually, that's a bad choice of word, but frozen doesn't have that added poetic gravitas (if that makes any sense).

In any case, I like this. It reminds me of "To build a fire," and I think it'll be a good entry in the Short Poetry contest. Good job!


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1238 Reviews

Points: 35807
Reviews: 1238

Sun Nov 24, 2013 12:20 am
niteowl wrote a review...

Hi there Alfonso! Nite here to review this short little gem for the Apple Dumplings!

First line: I agree with HighTop about the repetition of "freezing/frozen". When you have so few words to work with, repetition doesn't work as well. You could replace "frozen" with "numb", but that feels a bit obvious. Perhaps you could have the night acting on your fingers, e.g. "The night freezes my fingers"

And all I can do then,

Is wonder if I'll ever write again.

I feel like there's a lot of filler here. You might have been going for the rhyme, but it still feels wordy. I think trimming it would work well "And all I wonder/Is if I'll ever write again." I think this makes the narrator's priorities more direct-sounding. We immediately know he's focused on writing again.

Overall, this is a great idea, but as it's so short, trimming and focusing is key. Great job and keep writing! :)


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110 Reviews

Points: 6441
Reviews: 110

Sun Nov 24, 2013 12:07 am
Gardevite wrote a review...

Happy review day!

Nice and short! I'm guessing it's for the short poetry contest. It's hard to review something so short, but i'll give it a go!

The night is freezing. And my fingers are frozen.

I don't like the way you reused (well rehashed) the word freezing. It really interrupts my reading of the poem. You could try using a different word instead of 'freezing'. Maybe blue, cold, icy. Word variation is important.
Another problem I have with that line is the word 'And'. It doesn't seem to fit in there quite right, especially since it's so close to another 'And'. It makes the poem seem very unvaried. Plus, the goal is to have as little words as possible, yes?

That's all my nitpicks!

I liked your poem, and the message. I felt like a bit of imagery and word variation could have spiced it up a bit, but I know the hindrances in writing a short poem, having entered myself. I know that it's tough!

Keep it up!

Thanks HighTop!

I am and always will be optimist, the hoper of far-flung hopes, the dreamer of improbable dreams.
— 11th Doctor