Young Writers Society

Hi again PumpkinCat,Dark here with review.

I like how you describe the Paradise with your own words and thought.It is quiet a great messages here.

# My paradise does not lie in an island

It does not lie in money

And it does not lie in some faraway place

My paradise is right next to me

And my paradise is my love --.>You need to put punctuation here to make the rhythm flow smoothly.I love the ideas that the paradise is not lies in Island,money nor somewhere faraway place.It is just right next to you and it also your love.

# That paradise keeps me happy

And it keeps me warm at heart

Though I must protect my paradise

She stands tall herself. -->My gosh this is beautiful but before you mentioned about 'she'.Do you talk about her?Do the paradise is actually herself?It is a bit confusing here.

# My paradise does not have palm trees

Or even the ocean blue

My paradise has a personality

A lovely personality

My paradise is heartwarming

My paradise is beautiful -->These descriptions is actually nice.I think you compare it with the island.

# When my paradise withers away

And the flowers start to die

I’ll weep forever at her stone…

Laying a flower everyday… -->You mentioned her again in this last part of your poem.That is quiet a romance poem to me.
Very nice poem,but you need to work on the structure of your poem.You have a potential here.You should proud with it.
Keep it up!
Kudos,cheers
dark

So this poem has a nice concept, talk a bout your romantic interest as a paradise. I like how you go through and say all the things your paradise doesn't have, and all the things it has over these things it doesn't have, but I feel like this poem could still be improved. Instead of calling her your paradise every time, use some pronouns, and also work with longer sentences. Work with things like "My paradise does not have palm trees, or even the ocean blue, but has a lovely personality: heartwarming, beautiful, and understands me." This takes out some of "my paradise" and allows you to work within the creative range along with adding interesting punctuation which will help the reader.

So here's my general thing for punctuation and this will be the last I say on it. If you're using all caps at the start, use punctuation marks. If you're not using caps at all, don't use punctuation. Punctuation in poetry isn't necessarily there to be how the sentence should be written, but it's there for how the sentence should be read. The main practice to read poetry is to NOT STOP until you hit a punctuation mark, which means everything BEFORE that punctuation mark has to be read in ONE BREATH. That's a really hard challenge when there's no punctuation DX but if you stop at the end of every line, you don't always get the right sound the poet intended when there's no punctuation. Such a conundrum.

Moving on, I think you could also improve this poem and make it more in depth by exploring one of your symbols for what your paradise is in a sensory way, so something you can hear, see, smell, touch, or taste. Expand on an example and really go into the nitty gritty to show us what you're talking about.

Knight Dragon, here to bestow a Review Day review upon you.

@TheMessenger: Am I really that predictable now? Wow...well, yes, I am going to give the technical analysis. But don't rely too heavily on me for that. I am on the Red team, you know.

Anyway, dear PumpkinCat, on to the review.

Well, as Knight Messenger mentioned, I do the technical.
[Here] Technical:

You need punctuation.
Example:
"My paradise does not lie in an island

It does not lie in money

And it does not lie in some faraway place"

Now, that first one could be a sentence with a period, or you could have a semi-colon. On the second, that could have no punctuation, a hyphen, or even a comma. And that last one should be a sentence. Now, depending on how you punctuate, you'll change the reading flow. Do you want people to pause at the end of each line, or do you want a more definitive break (comma vs. period)? With the second line, do you want a pause, or a tie-over into the next thought (comma vs. hyphen)? Depending on how you want the poem to flow, you need to choose punctuation.

Now, with all your ellipses, I felt they almost all could have been commas. The last one's fine, but the other two definitely flow better with commas.

I would advise you to go back and read through each line, adding in the punctuation you want as you go.

Content:
I liked how you wrote this. Very good description, and you kept your focus on the one metaphor, instead of rabbit-trailing into other minor descriptions. Good job.

Hope this helps!

Knight Malachi here to review as a Knight of the Green Room.
first off, I am leaving the technical reviewing part to my fellow knight, Dragon. He will gladly find any errors that might be in here. Now, onto the poem itself.
This poem was beautiful. It had amazing imagery, description, and a wonderful story-line . . . until the end. It seemed like the end dropped off. Now I understand and am happy that it isn't totally depressing, but it was sad and sudden. The flower part was very necessary to me, because if you hadn't had it there it would've left me sad for the character, and there would'v been no joy or memories, it seems like.
Keep it up!