Jewelry, wedding dress and pashmina shawls
lie locked in a safe, unused yet.
She waits...
Maybe someday love will finally
knock at the door of her house
and ask for her hand, but for now
the flowers carved into the walnut wood
are damp with the midnight's cold breath.
At times, she takes off her bangles
and takes a deep breath, she
walks to the window and imagines something purer
than gold and silver.
Something much, much more lustrous
than diamonds.
In her vision, henna
colors her hands in lines of warm red.
The patterns not perfect,
yet beautiful.
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137,507 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
Very interesting!! I loved the way you described this girl's dream for her wedding. Okay, first off, i felt like the beat was off a little. The rhythm just didn't work very well. I like they way you describe everything perfectly yet while not being too wordy... I think you could have done a little better in background information, while not making it seem too long. Love it!! Keep writing!!
Ha ha, India! Am I right?
Let me just say that I wasn't expecting that from the title. Anyway...
The way you've structured this poem is a little odd. The first stanza has 14 lines whereas the second only has four. I'm not sure what your intention was with that, but perhaps you could break up the first one a bit? I would suggest a break after "she waits..." then another after "Are damp with the midnight's cold breath. You will have four verses that way, as opposed to two.
Now then:
I don't know, but for some reason the image of a safe didn't apeal to me. It seems a bit odd in the second line, especially compared to the strength of the first.
This here is a bit vague compared to the rest of the poem. I like it, a lot. It's probably my favorite line, but you might want to specify what the flowers are carved into. A chest? The door? What?
When I read this outloud, the pause after "she" was really odd. Maybe you could reorder the words in the proceeding lines so this can fit into the second line.
E.g: "At times she takes off her bangles,
and takes a deep breath
she walks to the window and imagines
something purer than silver and gold."
Or something. Just to help things flow more fluidly.
I really like this, it's offset by the rest of the poem and the result is excellent juxtaposition.
So, while not being overly descriptive, you seem to paint with the life of colors, and I really like that originality that you imbue into this poem. I would personally like to see a bit more to it. There are a lot of things that come to my mind when I think of Indian weddings and bride-to-bes, perhaps you could add more for the sake of presenting a clearer image. Especially cultural-wise.
Great job! I hope this could help.
~ED
This was intriguing from the start. I found my face moving closer to the computer screen in anticipation of what would happen next. This is absolutely beautiful. I don't know how you made it flow so well, maybe it was the grammar? I like the extra stanza at the bottom because of its dark ending tone.
Interesting. Not something that might interest me, subject wise that is, but it never the less intrigued me.
You do present a very vivid image. The girl at her window, waiting, looking into nothingness, her longing, it's very apparent and present very well. What breaks or tries to break the vision that you are presenting is the lack of punctuation to a certain degree.
Now don't get me wrong, I am or rather was terrible myself when it comes to that but it is true that it can make or break the image that you are trying to present.
Otherwise, it's rather nice.
Very interesting poem. You captured the dream of a young girl for marriage quite well.