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140,755 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
Hello! I remember reading this a while back, when you first published it, but never really got around to a review until now. My apologies for that.
I don’t believe I have ever gotten too nit-picky with your poetry because I read your poems as one thought flow instead of individual lines. Reading this poem is like taking an aerial view of one little snippet of your mind at a certain point of the day, one thought cloud, whole and complete, that escaped you. So I will review this in ordered generalizations.
1- Your title really isn’t as captivating as it could or should be. A bit melodramatic with the ellipses and cliché phrase. Give us something (fatally) electric.
2- Not really a huge fan of the repetition of “some.” I think this already-powerful content would have even more of a powerful delivery if you tried fragments instead of sentences with bland conjunctions and articles. Here’s a suggestion on how you could format the first six lines in this way:
Obviously, my voice is not yours, but I think fragments would help support the idea of death being something sudden and numbing, something not affirming or complete.
3- I think my favorite part is the “haunt your forever” bit, as if we ourselves are not what death creeps up on but instead our supposed immortality. The more I think about it, the more I fall in some kind of twisted love with this idea.
4- I really do like the language you use in here, the way you don’t sugar-coat the vulgarity of death. Genital electrocution really brings it home. Though I noticed suicide wasn’t included in this list of “ways to die.” Maybe I’m missing something. But that would be an interesting twist for the ending. Which brings me to the next point.
5- I feel like your last sentence fell kind of flat and deflated. Like you were trying so hard to make it sound important that you forgot to relay enough information for it to carry any depth at all. Maybe you could, at the end, try describing death as a gradual process for some, a daily decomposition of cells and skin and exhaled air. That sounds kind of gross, but I think you understand what I mean. Not to get all philosophical, but we all have been dying since the day we were born. None of us is getting any younger, which is kind of a depressing thought when it really hits you. But there are days when you feel like the dying process is speeding up, like how much quicker the sand in an hourglass falls when there is little left. It’s desperate, in this way; living and dying equate. I would say that’s pretty despairing, and it’s something more of your readers could relate with. Just a thought.
Best wishes to you and your wonderful poetry. Yours inevitably,
Indie.
Thanks for taking the time to drop a review. I admit it's not the most perfect poem, but it came in one of those intense moments when you just write to get the weight off your chest. Need to work on that though.
Also... I did make a vague reference to suicide in:
"some choose to take a quicker route there."
I think I got it too vague, hmm. Anyways...
Big fan of your brutally honest reviews
S.M
Ah. I must've missed that! Hopefully I'm not too brutal. I hope you know it's inspired by my respect for your poetry, which is brutally honest in itself.
Hello there, lovely!
What's up? Anyway, let me just say this poem kind of freaked me out, I am sure it was supposed to give that vibe though. It's kind of like I can feel the deepness of it, like..I feel the emotion that you put into it. Being able to relate to a piece of writing is always a FANTASTIC thing, so good job on that.
A few little things though:
Where are the stanzas? This poem would have been a bit easier to read if you had divided it up into stanzas, it also would have made a bit more sense.
The lines of your poem were a bit wacky, I think it would have been more 'formal' to do it like this:
blah blah blah.
blah blah blah.
But you did it like this:
blah blah blah. blah blah blah
blah blah.....
so on...etc.
...and that made it a bit wacky to read, but, really, other than that this poem was outstanding. Good job!
Toodles
Shoaib;
Brilliant. When I finished reading this absolutely engaging poem all I could think was: Brilliant! Your words had me a the throat, I couldn't stop reading through. It started off odd, but when I started reading it aloud to myself, I could feel myself getting louder and felt the tension of the poetry.
"Some die with knives in their backs. No, it
is not always
clean coffins
and picture-perfect funerals, because
some die drenched in piss and shit"
I'll tell you as soon as I read that, I was hooked. There was suddenly a pull in my attention because of the taboo you took there and honestly it only got better. I will not lie there were some oddly worded parts such as:
"in gallows, or by street corners. Some die,
of genital electrocution, cigarette-butt burns"
and
"Haunt your forever, because some
die raped and bleeding. Abandoned, some
die slow."
But the oddest of them slowly faded as I reread it. Okay Favorite Lines:
"Some die smiling, some sad. Some choke on their words while
some die with the name of God on their lips,"
and
"Some live like they're dead. Some
don't die at all."
Just an overall outstanding poem with an 'icing-on-the-cake' ending. Brilliant! Absolutely Stunning!
Hey shoaib, just want to say so understand the title once I started reading.
Haunt your forever.
Haunt you forever.
I like how this stays on one top. Hate that it's about dying though, even though its very interesting.
That was the only problem I had with the poem. So I guess this isn't a review all that much.
Hi there Roxy here!
The conceptfor this poem is certainly an interesting one! I havent read a lot of pieces like it before! So I like the originality of it!
I think that you have got some truely fantasic sentences in the poem, for example, my favorite lines; "Some live like they're dead. Some
don't die at all."
Lines like these are really captivating!
I think that you could switch up your vocabulary a little bit, while still keeping to the same message, I think that this will entice the reade even more!
I love the idea of the listing of different to go, some of them, as you say yourself, are extremely haunting and upsetting. But I think that you caught the bluntness and bareness of these deaths beautifully!
Overall I think it was a really interesting poem with brilliant ideas and sentences! I think that one or two tweeks will make it even more awesome!
Keep on writing!