Young Writers Society

Hello there Shoaib! Dogs here with your review. To start, I really liked this poem. It has some nice imagery and you did an excellent job of using simple imagery and wording to create a masterpiece. Certainly the best part of this poem is how you bring it full circle with the ending about the mirror. Way to bring in that subtle imagery there. I only have some few tiny extremely nit picky notes that don't necessarily have to be applied but I think it might make your poem a little better. Let's dive in now shall we?

"My feet are still cold"

I think that "cold" is a bit of a boring word in this sentence, and can certainly be edited out for a stronger word. Maybe "gelid" or "frosty" or "frigid." Whatever works for you, but "cold" is an opportunity to use a stronger descriptive word.

"You're just like your desolate country,"

The only one tiny thing that bugs me here is that: you use "You're" and "Your" in the same line a little too close in proximity to one another. Try editing one of them out.

Apart from that, I really don't have anything to say. Elegantly written to say the least, excellent use of simple writing skills. I enjoyed reading this piece, let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh

Hey Shoaib!

I liked your poem, it's very interesting subject matter. You provide a beautiful description of the lake. One suggestion I can give over the description it to use more sensory details. Tell us more about the beautiful color or fragrance of the lotus flowers.

I loved the last two lines. They provide a meaningful and vivid depth to the poem. Overall, this poem is awesome! I suggest you provide more sensory detail in your description. Keep up the good work, Shaoib. Sorry this review is so short, but I hope it was still helpful.

This is lovely. Even without the notes, I think you can communicate the feeling in this poem well (mostly owing to the fact that we can get the general meaning of shikara from context and the convenient fact that chillai evokes the English word chilly and cool, and even if the true meaning is fifty times more awesome, specific, and tone-evoking, it still works).

So. You use frighteningly specific, strong, concrete words and you move well through the poem. You go from nature to people and then pan out to an encompassing view of both. Awesome. I am with you.

There are a couple of things I don't like in this poem, however. Just a couple.
The first is the user of the word henchmen. From the Wikipedia article:

It is now used to generally describe any person with subordinate status derisively, while most often used specifically to a hired guard or minion of a villain or master criminal.