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139,669 Literary Works • 672,647 Reviews
I really have to say that your poem was just deep and soothing for my mind. Truly loved it. You know if you use punctuation in your breakages they will not seem abrupt to readers who don't like them......
But can't find any other error... great work:)
Shoaib~
Have I mentioned before that I love your work? Your poetry just makes me kick back and sigh and settle in and thank God there’s hope for this world.
*Ahem* Alright. On to the review.
“Things” and “start” and “work” are all dull words. I think you need something stronger for your opening stanza - but don’t take away from the simplicity, love that.
I’d suggest revising the line breaks in this. Just doesn’t flow.
You kind of jumped a huge gap here between the 1st and 2nd stanza. The first stanza has a general, second-person feel to it; but this line in the second stanza introduces actual characters into this poem. I think you need some sort of bridge of connection between these two stanzas - but make it subtle enough to keep the ambiguity.
The way you use alliteration here was so beautiful, it made me want to cry.
The word “how” appears a lot in this, especially here, and it’s not an important enough word to be so popular. Maybe replace it in this line with “that” or something similar.
Gahh. Wonderful imagery. I’m swooning.
Very nice touch here, with the thoughts and all. But there should be a comma after “Thinking.”
Mmm.
I didn’t catch the recurring “wonder”/”wonderful” wordplay until the second time reading it. Loved the finish!
Overall:
You did a satisfactory job with the enjambment in this. A lot of it seems kind of forced, like you pressed the ‘enter’ key at some spots just for the heck of it. Especially the third and fourth line of your 1st stanza: your choice of line breaks there, for lack of a better phrasing, made me cringe. You want your line breaks to match your theme, and your theme in this is intentional - so you want your line breaks to be intentional, as well. Your punctuation was flawless. I love the directness of it - no complaints there. I loved the simplicity in your word choice. It was simple yet profound, and I’ve discovered that this style becomes you and your writing. Simply lovely. <3 Please, send me a review request any time. I love your work more than anything else on this site, and I don’t say that lightly.
~Indie.
And I love reading your amazing reviews. Always so positive:)
Also, the breaks I put mean pauses, I do it just to make sure that the poem can be recited with a certain feel to it. It's just a choice of style but I'm well aware, though, of how most people get irritated by my line breaks.
Well firstly, English is not my first language (though I've grown up with it at school), so excuse the occasional mistakes. Secondly, I think I wrote this in my sleep
Thanks for taking the time to leave a review. Much appreciated.
P.S : In case it came off as confusing, "Soul" is used here to refer to a loved one..
I loved the "Soul" part - I wasn't pointing out anything wrong about it! And I know exactly what you mean by writing things half-asleep, haha. I wake up all the time from dozing off whenever inspiration strikes. No worries - I've noticed a lot of your poetry could double as slam poetry/spoken word, and if that is the case, then line breaks don't really matter! Anytime!:)
Hola Shoaib,
ScandalousPhoenix herreee to revieww for you!
Lets hit this off. I liked this. It had strong vocabulary and the breakage was good. Made me think about some parts which I think was your point. But this breakage here seemed a bit off to me.
"You will not believe how
things will start to work.
You
won't even have to try."
I think you could leave the second 'you' with the 'Won't even have to try.' So like : You won't even have to try.
Another thing is punctuation. You may want to add commas here and there in natural breaks to make the reader reflect on certain parts. Example:
"Soul,
do not die in your grief.
Shrug it away,
and leave."
So instead of the reader zooming through it, they stop and take REFLECCCCCTTTT.
I hope you find this hellpful. I am a rookie at this so it may not be like 10000% great but I just hope it helps! <33
I know how my line breaks irritate most people. But you have a point about 'reflecting'. Noted. But I usually break a line for the reader to take a pause, as if they're reciting the poetry.
Anyways, Thanks for taking the time to drop a review!
very nice.
nice rimes and good grammar to.