Let Your Voice Cross These Borders That We've Built

Hey there! I'm going to try a quick review. I'm not top notch when it comes to reviewing poetry, or even writing it. I'm going to examine the five components of good writing as they pertain to your poem, and tell you where I felt it was strong and weak. Before we being, I'd just like to say I really enjoyed your poem!

So we're going to examine voice, structure, word choice, idea, and organization. I'll start with voice and work my way down the list to organization. Since this is a poem, I'm going to try to spend a lot of time on structure and organization. Those are two key aspects of poetry. So on with it!

Your voice is strong in this poem. The narrator is calling for equality and reason. He is trying to sever some tie that has been broken. At the start of the poem, I expected this to be more of a relationship poem, but in the end you delved into some deep stuff like racial equality and nationality. I didn't see that coming, so at first it threw me for a loop. I still feel your message was made clear through your use of voice though.

Structure is up next. As far as structure goes, this is pretty neat. It felt like one big stanza, and I longed for line breaks at certain points, but hey, that's mostly aesthetic and I respect your choice. The thing I like about line breaks is they help me focus and split the poem up like paragraphs. That's just me, your structure is perfectly fine.

Word choice is important in poetry, it can make the difference between a boring old poem and an interesting one. Your word choice was fairly plain, but it the point of the poem was to be direct, so it suits it.

I no I'm going out of order, but I want to get organization over with and end with idea. At the start your narrator is outlining a problem, through the middle he suggests a solution, and by the end he is describing the ideal outcome. That's a very effective structure, it's common in poetry because it works. Your structure is great.

Finally! Idea! Idea is the most import convention when it comes to poetry. Your idea is a powerful one, and you convey it well, so no complaints there. I feel like the imagery was strong at the start and through the middle, and gradually declined. Maybe a bit more use of color at the end could improve it.

I hope that helps! Your poem was awesome, and like I said, it has a very strong message. Your use of voice and structure really get it through. Word choice was also good, if a little straight forward. Nothing wrong with that though. So keep up the good work!

I'm honestly not that good at critiquing. I'll say that I agree that your stanzas were a little long. I wish that I could hear how you would read it so I could hear how it was supposed to flow because for me that was a little off. As for the poem itself...good god man. That was seriously amazing. There could be so many different allusions and meanings that could be taken from this. Keep it up. Seriously.

Hey there!
It's me again. In my opinion, your poem is full of meaning and it has a good purpose, but I think the stanzas are a bit long -don't you think? Although your rhyming isn't much, but I clearly see how meaning is more important -as you've said before. This doesn't affect the beauty of your poem. Therefore, well done!
Keep up the good work!

Wow, this was beautiful.

The concept is amazing, and I adore the way you've potrayed it.

Keep Writing,
- Dreamergirl.

Hey shoaib.. I'm afraid I can't offer a review. Me and poetry review just don't work.
Thanks for a great read, though

Wow. I really loved this poem. I just joined this sight and this is my favorite one ive seen so far. I love how you can see people from both sides. Not a lot of people have this state of mind today thinking someones just like themselves. I find it awesome.You have great Grammar and speach skills i can tell with this poem. It reminds me of how in history and wars how they are alike just on two different sides.


Wonderfule job

Shoaib,

This is such a lovely piece and I enjoyed reading it. Mostly because you have this old soul kind of voice and tone that pervades through this piece, it is something that is rare and uniquely your own, and I loved it. And you have a way with words and flow! I know it's not easy to maintain fluidity when you're dealing with such long lines, but your lines work surprisingly well in this piece, and you managed to balance it by breaking your lines and having a variety of shorter lines in just the right places.

There are a few places where it didn't work, mostly your sole "Now" line.

I'm torn because I liked the actual break there, I like the concept and the idea behind it, because I think you have these two blocks of long lines and you need something short and with punch to break apart those two, if just to allow your readers a chance to breathe -- a thoughtful poet is a good poet!

BUT

the word itself doesn't quite work at it alone like that. The punch is anticlimatic. If you're going to go at it, go big or go home. It's like what I just did by breaking my review at "but" you just end up laughing because the word that is ringing out in your ears just so happens to be a homophone for something quite embarrassing and silly.

"Now" may not be as embarrassing, but the word by itself is meaningless and anticlimatic- and I understand the reasoning behind it, because you're separating "then" from "now" and that's an important shift in the poem, but you might as well put up some blinking arrows and lights and highlight and point it out to the readers like: this is an important shift in the poem-- it comes across as trite and gimmicky. The problem with putting emphasis on "now" is that it is a transition word and standing it by itself just makes it a bit weak, especially when compared with the rest of the poem. Just like when people leave words like: SO! STOP! THE END! DEATH! by itself.

Another thing I kind of winced at was the quote in the beginning. The quote is a marvelous quote, I am adding it to my list of profound quotes I like - but the problem is that the quote basically summarizes and explains the entire poem. Let me ask you this, as a poet, you want for people to read and enjoy your poem - and so what you're doing is you're actually giving your reader a choice: read the poem, or read the sparknotes!summary -- and almost everyone is going to rather read the quote. I mean, if the quote says the same exact thing as your poem, why write the poem at all?

Quotes before poems are a very difficult thing to do right. When it's done right though, it is an amazing thing. So the first thing to think about when you have a quote you want to add before your poem is to think 1) is this quote basically a summary of my poem? or 2) does this quote actually enhance the meaning of my poem? 3) or provide an additional meaning to my poem? Some of the greater poets actually do a different thing by quoting a line from a poem they're /responding to/ and they can include the quote before the poem, or they could actually include the quote inside the poem itself. Those are quite interesting.

Your poem I love because it is a topic that I don't hear enough about, but something that I agree with completely, and it is an idea that is so ripe with possibilities, and you manage to shape this poem into such a way that it sounds absolutely beautiful. Your flow and your rhythm and your breaks -- those are very technical things and a lot of people have trouble with this, but here it is natural and seamless.

Now, what you need to work on is trying to grab that "idea" and make it your own, because right now, you have beautiful sounds and you have an idea -- but I don't quite have "you" in this poem, I don't quite have an experience. Make this idea your own, and you've got yourself a great one.

Now, I've been tough with this review, but I really enjoyed delving into this, I'd love to read more from you.

~ as always, Audy