Among bodies in the rubble
in a curfewed city, at night
I'll be at the streetlights.
Wherever it is that
you may roam,
I'll keep you company.
Cities, towns, ghettos,
plains, mountains, deserts
in secret whispers and echoes, I
span a million human hearts.
I am the nomad's horizon,
I am also in the settler's eyes.
A cry from a corner, from
the other side of oblivion,
I am half a hope
in a world of cruel reality.
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Nice, shoaib. I like that you get some quiet imagery in here. Maybe because it's nighttime and I like darker, calmer things. Not to say that bodies in rubble is nice and relaxing, but in the way you present it, it's like a dark navy blue with the curfew, you know? Restrained and silent, because hope would be buzzing and loud, but all we have left is half a hope.
I think what would strengthen this poem would be taking out repetition and giving the readers a change to work more slowly through stronger words. Lists make readers stop paying attention. They're not the most interesting things, especially with generic words that don't really evoke any imagery like cities, towns, etc. Show me what it means that there is half a hope in a city. Give me a fire escape with a light on that makes highlights in the chipping black paint. Or show me the light of a town far off at the edge of a desert. Try to avoid using light as much as I do, but give me something with imagery or emotion that I can dig into instead of skim over.
I like the intention here. I love especially this line:
Much more than the line that says hope'll be wherever you are, I like this. The imagery is concrete and it also evokes a tone of hope -- I also got out all the light metaphors, so yeah, light is a pretty good thing to evoke hope. Play with it. Dig into it. Give us more!
PM me or reply to my review if you have questions, comments, or want to talk, okay?
Good luck and keep writing!
thanks, Hannah...
Shoaib! It always brightens my day whenever I see you have recently posted a new poem of yours.
Your line breaks are spectacular. Spot-on. This almost reads like spoken word, and so maybe that’s why your enjambment is so impacting. I love it nonetheless.
You have a few punctuation issues, and I guess punctuation in itself could be viewed as a stylistic choice, so take these suggestions with a grain of salt:
This is a comma splice - consider replacing it with either a semi-colon or period.
I feel like a colon behind “oblivion” as opposed to the comma that you have would be a more fitting setup for the (very important) following two lines.
Just a few wording nitpicks:
The syntax of this phrase comes across as trying too hard to rhyme with “at night” at the end of the previous line. I would suggest rewording to something more subtle yet still ambiguous like,
“ ..
in a curfewed city, at night
I’ll wait at the dim light of the streets.”
I absolutely love the phrase “curfewed city,” however. It’s so literal that it’s profound.
I feel like with a few of these geographical terms it’s just that... describing geography. Locations all around the world have cities. Have towns. Have plains. Have mountains and deserts. What about the landscape of Kashmir makes it Kashmir? You were almost getting there with “ghettos,” but I encourage you to stretch the imagery here.
I love this so much. “I span a million human hearts” - now that is what I’m talking about when I said above to create Kashmir imagery: it mentions the population in a way that isn’t just a number, but as humans that are as sensitive and real as anyone else, going through hell. These two lines kind of remind me of some of Khaled Hosseini’s work.
B-E-A-utiful.
I love the contrast in this from the previous line (nomad/settler). I would disagree with Alpha about the wording of this, though. I think you should remove “also,” because it throws off the rhythm, but I would keep the simplicity of “I am in the settler’s eyes.” I know I have said this before, but you have the gift of profound simplicity in your writing. Do not alter this, please; it is you and it sets you apart.
Always,
Indie
You totally deciphered it and saw past the words at what I intended to say. Awesome critic as always. Thanks for reading
First of I must say your writing definitely grabs a reader from the beginning to the end I like the way you keep your sentences simple and short, it gives an interesting read and it also helps convey your message loud and clear to the reader. My fav part was in lines 11 and 12 where to you used contrast very clearly, and your accurate use of punctuation is commendable, good work. Orel.
Shoaib ^^ First of all, salam! All right, so here I am to review zis poem of yours.
First, let me say that I've read a couple of your poems before (I'm a lazy reviewer, that's why you never knew ><) and I love the themes you talk about. This one follows the same trends: a poem about a country lost, of cruel reality. Yet there is a spark of hope, in that voice you use, and that is what I love best about Half A Hope.
I used to hate free-verse poetry but I'm starting to enjoy it more and more these days. Your use of punctuation is perfect and as far as I can see, there are no grammatical errors. One thing I want to point out is the following verse:
"I am also in the settler's eyes."
The word 'also' doesn't really fit in here, in my opinion. But if it was changed to "I am in the settler's eyes," it would also sound a bit off. So how about you change 'am' into another verb? Echo, am reflected, whatever you find fitting.
And now my review ends. Kudos to you, Shoaib, for penning this beautiful poem. My thoughts are with Kashmir.
Keep on writing! Cheers,
Alpha
thanks alpha, much appreciated...