Digital age, I'm a lover.
Convenience and warmth
is a button-press away.
In hallways, sometimes
people bump into each other, texting
but they don't look up or notice
Ask me how I'm doing.
Staring into bright, blank screens
leaves me with these dry lachrymal ducts
I have no tears to cry so I laugh
My alarm clock rang at 6 AM
and I realized that I hadn't slept.
That's when I thought of you
and the silence between us
Even in this beautiful time when waves
carry words over continents,
I still feel alone, I'm still scared, good friend
let's meet someday soon
but bring your heart with you.
I fear I don't
have enough machines to cheer me up.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hello! I apologize for just now reviewing this - this is well overdue.
Since your title is pretty nifty and original, I think you could do without repeating it in the first line. Just a suggestion: consider going straight into “Convenience and warmth..”
Should be “*are* a button-press away.”
Why is this particular “hallway” setting so important to the theme that it must be mentioned? Why not sidewalks? crowded elevators? Give the reader a little foundation if this setting is integral. If you meant it as a general statement, I’d leave it out.
A side-point to this would be when people ask you how you’re doing but don’t slow down/wait for a response. But anyways. I really like the way this introduces the stanza.
I do understand that punctuation is subjective in poetry but normally individual adjectives are separated with a comma (after “dry,” before “lachrymal”). Speaking of the latter - what an interesting word! I’m curious as to why you chose to include it. (Not being sarcastic or anything; I genuinely want to know!)
I think a more effective idea would not be the /opposite/ of sadness (laughing) but apathy. Desensitization. Just a personal thought.
I really like this. So much so that I’d suggest you delete the following two lines:
I feel like the introduction of a second-person character in this context takes away from the non-intimacy theme (due to electronics) of the poem even though it's speaking of silence. I don't know. Just sounds a little forced.
Okay this is my favorite stanza of all. Also probably my favorite line. So honest.
Now I love this. Even though it address in second-person as I mentioned before, it almost feels like it could directly apply to the reader. It doesn’t seem limited by a second character that the reader will never know anything else about, in reference my previous comment about this. If that makes sense.
I think it’d be kind of cool to have the line break at “I fear I don’t have enough/machines to cheer me up.” It would create a little ambiguity but maybe that just might be me and my own stylistic choice. Take it with a grain of salt!
~
I really truly liked this. Made me think.
Best,
Strange here and I have a review for you on this fantastic day!
I really like how you tackled a tough subject on the digital age. Everyone is always debating whether being digitally active is bad or good. Recently, I read this essay in English on how "screens" are bad for people. That essay was ridiculous. I'm guessing this also applies to T.V which I completely understand. Machines are wonderful. I wouldn't be writing this without my laptop.
I really did like this poem. This shows emotion, and praises wonderful devices. The message I got out of this is "Technology helps people stay together." and I really like that. I have no cons for this poem.
Overall, I loved this
Strange gives you....
9.0/10
Good job,
Keep writing,
Stay groovy.
-This snowflake tastes like fishsticks, Ralph says yes!-
Hey Shoaib!
Firstly wishing you a very happy new year!
I loved your poem. You have managed to bring out a message through your poems very clearly- This is the age where smartphones and gadgets have replaced human relationships. But this technology is a boon as well as a disadvantage to mankind. With just a click we can come in contact with people who are in different continents! We can even see them visually. Humans can create such magical things i tell you. But every coin has two sides. With this age of technology, person to person conversations are becoming extinct. We are solely depending upon technology. One day without the internet and we become miserable.
Getting back to the poem- Again let me say you got your message across to readers. Your poem is simple and is easy to understand. I loved these lines :
"Even in this beautiful time when waves
carry words over continents,
I still feel alone, I'm still scared, good friend"
The start, the body, the end- everything is wonderful!
Overall i loved your poem! I would love to read more of your works!
Keep up the good work!
--supernb
Thanks for the comments, and a happy new year to you too.
Hello!
First off, I think you covered a really important topic: Machines replacing social interactions and the resulting isolation and loneliness.
I've been looking for work like this for quite some time now to be honest!
The last bit is my favourite by far:
,,Even in this beautiful time when waves
carry words over continents,
I still feel alone, I'm still scared, good friend
let's meet someday soon
but bring your heart with you.
I fear I don't
have enough machines to cheer me up.''
I guess the loss of the heart you are talking about is the part that gets me most, staring into phone while being out to dinner etc.
I also like how the whole thing seems so distant evern though you used a first-person narrator, shows how skilled you are!
Keep up the good work!
-sophiewrites
Thanks for your time