the glitch in the world

Forgive my rust. It's been quite some time since my last review so you'll have to excuse my squeaky hinges.

Firstly, as had been my usual habit, I'd like to start with the more critical aspect of said review. Mostly, what I want to gear my criticism towards is how the topic has been directed. There are some prime pieces of metaphor and imagery here used to depict an idea in a way that is clear and decisive, yet haphazard as if strewn together to make the idea more potent. Not really giving us something juicy to bite into idea-wise.

What I, of course, mean by this is you have a very preachy aspect to this poem. It gives away the punchline right at the very beginning, not exactly leaving much to the imagination. Then, when we start getting into the real juicy bits, you sort of slap together ways of explaining what the original punchline meant in more frilly diction and poetic license. This leaves you with a solid foundation which could be expanded upon at further inspection, but not much of a really strong, adhesive poem on its own.

Now, before I finish off on such a dreary note, I do want to say I appreciate the tenacity and the subject matter. It's not easy finding a topic and really sticking to it, especially when trying to formulate metaphor that matches said subject. In this case, you played your cards pretty well in the fact that you were able to manage keeping on track the entire way through, getting your topic across albeit blatantly.

I would like to see you use a little more metaphor early on. Not simply stating right out the door 'this is how it is and these are some pieces of imagery to show it' but using metaphor to give way into 'this is what it is' without ever actually stating it. You shouldn't have to. Poetry has a way of voicing your thesis without using MLA formatting.

That and, of course, try not following the shopping list clause, which this sort of had in the beginning. What I mean by that is you systematically run through different aspects of why the world sucks, nearly in point form. For poetry to be effective (and not prose-like), one must ditch those preconceived notions of how to get an idea across. In this case, proving your thesis through separated clauses.

In any case, there's a lot of potential here. Any questions, feel free to shoot me a pm.

Otherwise, much love
~ Walker

Hey I'm Elizabeth1 and I'm here to give you a quick review

I really enjoyed your poem, it has a gloomy tone to it. I really enjoyed the last stanza. That last stanza really tied up the poem very well.
There are a few suggestions I will give you. The first suggestion is that you could have divided the first stanza into 3. You could have started the second stanza with "You knew..." and the third with "You lived...". It seems like that's how you may have had it organized, I'm no sure if you had a typo or problems copying & pasting, but it seems like you already had it planned.
My second suggestion is changing "I know what you'll say" to "I know what you'll do" it just sounds off when he's not speaking.

The content and descriptions in this poem are great. One thing I think needs some improvement is the format, rhythm.

I read the first four lines. They established a good beat, a subtle rhyme. I expected the rest of the poem to follow this four line phrase but suddenly you break into three line verses which do not resemble the first four lines pattern at all.

Also I feel like "you lived with it..." so on needs an extra paragraph break from the other body. As I said content and idea is nice, I just don't feel the flow, it's so abrupt.

Oh. Oh my. (Imagine I'm excited because I am.) This poem is perfect! (Absolutely perfect! -Death The Kid, Soul Eater Anime)
Anyway, before I ramble, I want to actually speak about the poem's detail.
The gloominess factor of it, oooooooo, I love it! It adds so much more spice to every poem that has the element of gloom. Well done here!
Something that could be fixed, the first stanza. I know is not required but I think it could have been split into two stanza or maybe three if you find a good love to end while leaving enough to not be considered another whole poem, in a poem. I hope that made sense to everyone reading his. Hahaha!
Anyway, around
"You knew this when from running a mile"... It could have been split then, but of course it's not required, it just annoys me, and only me, so it's okay.
Also regarding the line I just showed you, i think it should be,
"You knew this from running a mile" or You knew this when running a mile"
You included "when and from" which kind of makes it fall apart. One of the two would do.
Keep it up friend.
Cheers!
~Dark

I loved the poem because it did take me back to my childhood. i will definitely want to read it again.

Though a bit gloomy but that is what your message is.

keep it up. will want to read again from you

Hi, I'm K and hopefully my review will be helpful to you!

Alright, so one of my major comments is that the way you order your lines stops the flow of your poem. Poetry should be smooth and easy to read, but yours is a little jarring. If you ordered the words differently and made the syllables closer in numbers together, it would be so much more beautiful to read.

Oh, and a small thing, it bothers me that you say "I know what you'll say..." but then have the him just shake his head. If he's going to be silent, you should put "do" instead of "say."

Other than that, I really liked your poem and I hope you keep writing! The story you were telling is good and invoked feeling inside me, which all good poetry should do.

So true, I really like this. You're extremely talented, keep it up!