Untitled work

Hey there, arianaSarroyo. I'm here to review your poem (or what you've got of your poem so far.)

I thought that this was a pretty good start to the poem and what lines you have a all very emotive, even though I was (and am) a little unsure what it's about.

I also love the way that the first four lines of the just seems to fit together even if it is unfinished.
I'd have to agree with the last two reviewers when they say that the last two lines are a bit "choppy" and not really fitting in with the start of the poem.
It might sound better if you added another few lines in between them and the first four so that it all flows together when you write more onto this poem.

(But also please don't get rid of those lines because they do sound really good... just not quite in context with the rest)


On the side of that can I just mention that I love your writing style and I want to read this poem again when it is finished.

Keep it up.

ToBeMe

Hi there. Rebel here to review your poem.

I think that you have a decent start to your poem. It drew me in, wanting to know the rest of the poem. It'd be nice if you'd put the rest of the poem out soon, considering I'm not too sure what the poem's about. XD

As for the outline of the poem, my issue is your punctuation. Right off the bat, you have an ellipsis that really is not necessary. My suggestion would be not to put any sort of punctuation there. Then I'd suggest that you make the 'm' in manifested lowercase and put a period at the end of the second line. At the fourth line, I'd insert another period at the end of it. Finally, I'd probably put a comma at the end of the fifth line.

Also, you had once teensy weensy mistake. 'It bullied it victims...' should be 'It bullied its victims...'.

I'd agree with alliyah that the last two stanzas are a little choppy. The first stanza flows nicely together, but the last two don't really flow well.

I hope to read the rest of your poem soon. Keep writing!

Hi, I'm here to review:
I think you have a nice start, but right now it's missing the punch-line, the story-line, or where-ever it's going. In the first stanza I'm not sure it's the right choice to have every single line end in "-ion" I also agree with the other reviewer that the use of ellipses can take away sometimes more than it adds. Not saying that you have to get rid of the ellipses just that for the rest of your poem make sure that you're using them in moderation, and only where they add meaning.

As for the flow of the poem so far, I think the first stanza is fine but the two last alone lines are a little choppy. Maybe too many syllables, so see if you can cut them down or re-word them to be a little smoother. That's all the advice I have at this point. Good luck on the rest of your poem!

~alliyah~

Yes this is supposed to be longer. I am hoping that I can think of more ideas and a title!

Ummmm, I'm assuming that this is only part of the poem, but I'm going to analyze it as a whole.

I think that you need more content, but I also think that the content that you currently have is very good and well writing. You have a very strong rhyme scheme going on here, make sure you continue that if you write more. It's a very good scheme by the way. The rhyming words fit into the poem well.

Your language use is brilliant. It paints a picture in my head so that I can clearly see what you are talking about. You are a truly gifted writer, and I can't wait to read the finished project.

Happy Writing!
HT

Hello, k here to review what you have so far! This will be a short review since it's such a short piece, but I'll try to help as much as I can with what you have.

First, you use an ellipse. In writing, this isn't necessarily something you want to do because they are supposed to indicate that something was left out, not a pause. My poetry mentor taught me that. Instead, use a dash (-) to indicate a long pause. Then, continuing with punctuation, I think it would sound better if you added periods in the first stanza. Otherwise, that entire stanza reads as one long run on sentence.

Second, your rhyme scheme. So far, it's really good and you do manage to make everything rhyme. However, one thing stands out to me, and that is the word "ammunition." This is really just a small thing, and it's only a suggestion, but i think it would flow better if you changed it to a line that ended with a word that had the ending, "-ssion," as the other three lines do.

Oh, and another small thing- "It bullied it's victims into submission." Currently, you have, "It bullied it..." Then, you should also look towards capitalization. Currently, you have the beginning of every line capitalized, and that isn't grammatically correct according to your punctuation.

Other than those small things, you have a great start here and I hope to see the rest of the poem up soon!

Is this all you are wanting for the poem or are you still wanting to add on to it?