Then and Now

Hi there,so here I am to make my review on your poem!
Wow,I think I know what you mean here.Based on your poem, I can feel the feeling or mood of a gloomy poem, feelings of hopelessness and uncertainty here.

#I was not born in hell
I had a family, friends who loved me

What do I have now?

I cannot tell.-Looks like you admit that your destiny is not a bad luck based on the word 'hell'.You have a family and friends who loved you.But then you tell the reader that you can't tell what you have for now.That maybe explain that you've lost them.

I really like the last stanza here:
#What seemed so promising has become so bleak

I had dreams to follow, a life to live and love to give

What do I have now?
Overall,you actually have a good point and strong diction here.But I feel this poem in incomplete,right.So I think at the end you should write something about the lesson you want the reader to know.It something like a conclusion balanced against with the feelings expressed by the poem itself.You already have a nice poem here,kudos and good job!
Thank you,cheer.
~NightWalker.

Wow, very nice poem. I really like it. Keep it up! I love how the words rhyme with each other.

Hey arianaSarroyo, how are you? Really glad you're sharing your work with us, it's always lovely to have people share things that come from the heart.

There are some really great strengths to your poem.
Firstly, the passion with which you write is very important! Writing about the things you feel and the emotions that are troubling you is a very powerful way to find inspiration, and I'm glad that you've chosen feelings that obviously affect you greatly. I'd always encourage you to keep exploring in this way.
Secondly, I like the technique you've used of asking repeated rhetorical questions. It forms a refrain ("What do I have now?") that frames the poem and gives it a good basic structure on which to build. I'd really like to see you expand on that: you use it twice here, but I think if you had some more verses that continue to ask that question in relation to other aspects of your feelings, you could build up an incredibly powerful rhythm that drives the poem on to its conclusion.

There are a couple of issues I think you could address if you wanted to edit the poem and work on some more drafts.
Firstly, while I love the raw emotion and the power with which you write, I feel like perhaps it could do with more narrative for us to get our teeth into as readers. When I read it, I understand what you're feeling: blackness, bleakness, an emptiness where the reality of the present has failed to live up to the promises of the past. These are great emotional hooks for drawing your audience in. But what are you trying to tell us, what has happened in your life to turn promise into bleakness? Why are you so unhappy about your situation, why has a bright future become all blackness? I feel like what you have written here is the raw emotional landscape that surrounds a story, but as readers we don't already know what's going on in your life! We need some explanation, some narrative, so that we can connect with you, sympathise with you, really feel the pain of these emotions with you through your writing.
Secondly, although some of your language is very strong and evocative, you do need to be careful that you don't use too many words and phrases that might be considered cliché. What I mean is this: there are lots of poems by young writers that talk about the 'bleakness' and 'blackness' of their lives, or how they feel like they have been 'born in hell'. They probably seem like they describe your situation very well, but they aren't very original images. When you continue writing, I'd really like to see you stretch your creativity to a place where you write using words and phrases that we haven't really heard before. It's a very difficult thing to do, I know! but it's also one of the most important parts of becoming a better poet. Examine your thoughts and your feelings, take a step back and look at your life and your situation: what is unique about it, what makes your experiences different from that of everyone else? Then, when you've identified that, try and shape it in language that you haven't heard or seen written before - find words that seem strange but fitting, new ways of describing what you're going through that other people will marvel at.

I know that's a lot to think about, and maybe you're planning on doing a lot of it when you redraft your piece already! I think you've got a great beginning to a poem here, and I'd really like to see you turn it into something powerful and dark and original, something that really speaks about you. I hope what I've written might help you a little bit: if you'd like me to clarify anything, or if there's anything you disagree with, just PM me and let me know! I certainly won't be offended.

Thanks for your writing, keep it up!

It's beautiful so far--but you're right, it isn't very hopeful. "But from the darkness, I hear my name" or some sort of change is called for in the next stanza, I think. Something about emerging from this state of solitude and sorrow. It's really lovely, though; I love the flow of the words and the potency you capture here. I can't wait to read the rest when you finish it!