Long they lay, dejected and defeated
Their faith depleted
Inferior, rejected
Their existence and sorrows despised, detested
Resting their heads in the hovels they've come to call their own
The places where peace is unknown
Something that they once knew
Has vanished as the violence they've beheld grew and grew
In this home, where they rest their heads
Is their song of sorrow
Where hope lies too
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
I like this poem a lot, even though it is quote sad.
This line could be improved in my opinion:
The two verb tenses you use ("has" vs. "grew") disrupts the flow of your poem. If you altered your words a bit it would help a lot. I might just be nitpicky though.
I really like the theme of your poem and the you formatted it.
Keep writing poetry and don't be sad
Hi there!
I thought the idea of the poem was interesting but it wasn't substantial enough to tell me a story. Who's "they"? I would love to know who the subject of the poem is, and maybe it's meant to be a teaser but at the same time it's a little puzzling and irritating to not know who "they" are. Once you give us a clue as to who they are, you've given us a real story to work with.
You've given a lot of interesting word choices like "inferior", "rejected", "despised", "detested", etc. in the first two stanzas but remember the importance of showing versus just telling. There's value in vivid imagery, and with a "sad" poem you could definitely use more of it.
Hey there! I'm Onyx from KotGR and I will be reviewing your poem today!
Comments
Okay... I don't see any periods within this poem... There is no way that this is one big sentence and you need to have periods. Alright, other than that you did a great job with the poem. I like the words that are used. Though the no periods that show no sentences really bothers me. Just one thing that I saw that might be changed. Now this is my opinion and you don't have to do anything to change your poem.
I don't see the first line as correct. By that I mean, it sounds weird, like you need to add something for it to sound correct.
Over all
Again, the no periods is kinda weird for me. You did great with the words and the detail within the poem. If you need anything else reviewed, feel free to send me a message on my profile. If you have a question about what I have reviewed, feel free to send me a private message. Thank you so much for your time and you keep on writing!
~Knight Onyx
Hey! I love this poem, quite depressing, although I'm sure it wasn't intended to be cheerful. The flow goes really well, and I like the rhyme scheme a lot. Typically I find ryhming can turn out a little bit corny, but you did a really good job of incorporating it properly.
I noticed one spelling error- "Existance" should be 'existence.'
Other than that I really don't have any critiques!
Keep it up!