Their tiny hands clench together to complete a task fit for a man
T
hey comb through the fields with their minds of steel and their determined hands
They haven't a moment to rest.
The children are the saviors for their families in distress.
And some days, the weight of their responsibility brings the children to their knees
In their ignorance, they believe their work will pay off some day,
But in reality, it has only begun.
Their lives are so twisted,
But it is the only way
For them to stay alive
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139,539 Literary Works • 672,604 Reviews
Hola! I might as well review this too right?
ohmygosh my eyes! Girl look at that formatting! You can fix that, I know you can. So I'm going to ignore it.
I liked this line a lot, but I wasn't sure what you meant by this part. Is this supposed to mean they are strong willed and tough? Maybe steel isn't the best word, unless you could clarify for me.
Back to the syllable thing, not as important here, but this line is too short. Give it some meat. Why can't they rest? What's it like not being able to have a break? Describe how that feels for them.
This line felt a smidge long. But the reason I quoted this part was because they're children right? Well I don't think most children would realize the responsibility it actually is. They'd see it as a burden and maybe do it for their families but I don't think a child's brain can comprehend the magnitude of such a situation, which you point out by mentioning their ignorance next. Anyway I'd say take out the responsibility part and just say something like "the weight of it all" or "the weight of the work" something more general and all encompassing.
Why you stop the rhyming? nnnoooo, you keep the rhyming.
Period.
This poem needs a little work. It just ends and that's sort of it, there's no big impact, and it felt abrupt. As always, you have something good going here but it's more of a work in progress. I want to know more about the struggle of child labor, especially from the innocence of the child's eyes because that's a unique perspective and creates such a great contrast, it's almost like an oxymoron pitting innocence of children against the harshness of labor in the real world they aren't prepared for. Show more of the unfair terms and treatment, the dangers of their jobs. You've got something going here, make it strong.
Love forever
Change.
Team Rouge.
Hi arianaSarroyo,have a good day!Here is Dark to give review on your poem.
First of all,I like the theme you want to point up here,even though it is not so clear here.I think I understand the points but the diction you use is not enough to bring effect to the readers.The formatting also seems a bit odd here.
#hey comb through the fields with their minds of steel and their determined hands
They haven't a moment to rest. -->Punctuation is needed through the first line to make sure the rhythm flow smoothly.But I like the idea here,even though I don't have any idea,why should they have not rest even for a moment?Does it something that hide behind these lines?
You poem lost rhythm that should be the strength of a poem.So when I see that your poem is not titled, it makes me wonder whether you have a goal to be achieved in your own poem. The reason is, the title is like a 'head' of the poem and the content was the body for your poem.Honestly,I love the ideas,you need to make it more interesting,clearly and understandable here.I know you can do better than this,so keep writing and reviewing here in YWS!
Keep it up,
kudos,cheers
~Dark
Hello, ariana! Griffin, here to review this work!
First off, the reason I read this poem was because it was about child labor, a topic very close to my heart. I am going to ignore the formatting problems, but the errors were distracting. You could easily fix them, though, so I would do that.
I really liked the beginning of the poem,
I loved the description and feeling behind this, but then I felt the poem went a little slow. The rhythm was off in some places, and there was no more description like there was in the first stanza. I would love to see more details, metaphors, and imagery in this.
The ending seemed a little abrupt, though I liked the "twisted lives" thing, it ended too soon, and the lesson seemed odd. Child labor often harms children, sometimes even kills them, so the part where it said it was the only way for them to survive confused me.
Overall, I think that this poem has a lot of potential and could turn out to be something amazing. It just needs some work.
Keep writing and being amazing!
~GC
Hello its Joe here to review your poem
First off great idea I too wrote something about child labour a little while ago for school (it was a short story though). Great thing to write about, more people should be aware of it. Anyway lets get to the poem. The format was a bit odd especially at the start with the"
T
hey comb through the fields..."
You might want to fix that. I was surprised that no one had commented yet on such a good poem then I thought maybe they weren't compelled to read it because it didn't have title. The title is extraordinarily important. Your title is what kids will see in the stores and say "please mum can I buy that book?". So you might want to add one on, just in case.
"Their tiny hands clench together to complete a task fit for a man" This part is good. Very good but I just think it should say" a task more fit for a man" it just seems like just fit for a man lacks something. Also I noticed you used the word "hands" twice in quick succession( just like the way I used just three times in the last two lines.) It kinda stuck out a bit, but only a bit so don't lose any sleep over it.
Well looks like my work here is done.
Overall its great poem just needs a little more attention.
Hope to hear from you some more soon, Joe
okay, this is just a little confusing to me as to how it's about child labor, but it's a good poem!
First off, there is a little bit of a formatting problem, but that can be fixed easily. Also, in some places, the beat is a little bit off. One last bad thing: you say, "But in reality, it has only began." "began" is the wrong form of the word begin to use there. in that text, you should have used "begun". I like the rhyming, it was a decent poem. But i do think it could be improved some.