If we could see her vision, would there ever be a collision
between the uncertainty of the approaching night and the solace of pure light?
If we saw the world through her eyes,
Would any promise need to be compromised?
If all that was around was safe and sound,
Would we still feel the need to "stand our ground"
If we saw water as a bridge separating us from fluidity and dryness,
Would we use that knowledge to pry ourselves from the darkness?
If fantasy and reality collided, who would take a stand?
Would we notice any difference, or can
Fantasy and reality go hand in hand?
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140,812 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
I always tell myself that one of the most important things about writing is the opening line. It is what grabs a reader and draws them in. I must say you mastered that without much effort.
I also really liked your usage of rhetorical questions which are also a great way in drawing in readers and really making them think. Which you also mastered flawlessly.
Your ending was also a question which is what I loved too.
All in all your poem was quite powerful but I felt that it lack any raw emotion but it was still a fantastic piece to read.
Here to review!
-- I think there should be a question mark there, although I am not completely sure what you were going for, again if that was for a specific reason, I would suggest changing the whole poem to match that.Great job! I thought it sounded really nice and flowed quite well. That said there are some things that could be improved. The first thing that I would like to point out would be consistency. I'm someone who really loves the whole comma and question mark thing and I see you've used it. But for some poetry it works even better without the comma and question mark. I'm not saying that you should change that, because it looks fine, but just something to think about when you write an all.
I must say this sounds quite sophisticated to me and interesting. And I do believe I understand your use of uncertainty. That said though, I do think that you should carefully think about what ImHero wrote below because they did have some good points there. In my opinion though I think that it's fine, and I think that it works. It may not make complete sense, but I'm guessing you meant that the night was uncertain, as in anything could be, the night was not really there yet, it had not yet formed as a substance. If that is what you meant, then I guess it really does work. If not though, then I'd suggest just reading it over to yourself and thinking about it.
So the one thing that I want to know right now as a reader is what you meant. What you were going for. What you were thinking at the moment you were writing this, because I must say that this really confuses me greatly. What is it that is in her eyes that leads to that question? I would suggest putting an adjective before eyes, just so that the reader can more understand who this person, or thing is. Who she is.
If you had said "If we saw the world through her pure eyes," that would've given the reader more understanding of what you had meant to say.
writing "If all that was around" seems a bit long an unnecessary. So I'd suggest changing that to:
"If everything around, was safe and sound,"
I always tell people who try to go for the more confusing route in their writing, to try to put a "modern" twist on their work that it still must make some sense. There are works that are extremely strange, but not strange that they are just thrown together to be strange. If you had meant to be strange, let it come naturally. Forgive me if you wrote this naturally but it seemed like you were forcing it a bit. Water being a bridge is fine, but how could water separate us from fluidity and dryness. Once water touches anything dry it immediately becomes wet. Thus water can never really separate one from fluidity and dryness. At least as I see it. I would really love for you to explain it fully to me though I don't mind. But it's very confusing and not only that, but it doesn't really work with your flow so far. Also how would one use that knowledge to pry themselves from darkness. It seems a little too strange.
I really loved this line! I thought it was well written and that you did a great job at it. Honestly I think that was my favorite line of the whole poem, it was thought-provoking, strange, but it made sense.
I'd change this a bit to this:
"Would we notice the difference, or can
Fantasy and reality go hand in hand?"
I also think maybe separating the two sentences would be a good idea, but that's up to you.
Overall
So, overall I thought that it was a good poem. I read it over and it had good flow. But I also think that it is quite confusing and if you would like me to walk you over more carefully and painstakingly through how it could be edited I'd really be willing to do that. Also I notice you write a lot of poetry and I'd suggest you join this poetry club. There are a lot of expert poets on the club and they do absolutely fantastic work, you could get a mentor! And I'm free for one more mentee if you want but there are other's to choose from. I'd really suggest it, because you have a lot of potential and you really try to get feedback all the time and everything. It'll really help you improve.
One last thing I'd say is don't feel shy to talk to those who review your work and ask them to explain more to you about what they think. And at least take one or two of their suggestions and advice. It's important, and it's easier with poetry, trust me. XP
So yeah, keep writing!
-- And keep on dreaming on.
Okay so the first two lines you ask about the collision between the UNCERTAINTY of the inevitable approaching night here; “between the uncertainty of the approaching night,” which in a sense would be considered an oxy-moron if it had purpose but I cannot find a conceivable purpose to contradict the two; approaching, uncertainty. In other words why say that the night is uncertain without explaining it thoroughly? Also, the content would suggest that that if we could get inside her head we may not be uncertain about the night and the pure light, so saying the night was uncertain could very well be a mistake in saying the two were uncertain. In another sense you could be saying “Would there ever be a line between darkness and light, as if her mind could suppress evil with knowledge.” Although, this is up to you it needs to be explained clearer because it falls under the bad type of ambiguity, the kind where we don’t know what you are saying because of the merit of your words.
Now to the 5th and 6th line you decide to switch from the “her” to a philosophy question, then the rest as well. The switch is without a cause it seems and it switches to fast without the change of a new stanza. Now, the questions are intriguing but I have no idea what they have to do with the theme of your poem. That might be how you expressed the poem or simply them being random with a concurring idea. I think the content needs a bunch of work.
Now to the structure and rhythm part of the review. Which I cannot quite put my finger on why you separated this poem with double spaces because it makes it hard to read and understand the content. I will exclude that and just assume the poem is flush to the left.
I think the rhythm happens to need a lot of work as well. I cannot see too much alteration and internal rhyme or the concurrent stress of tenses or the amount of tenses in each line. The integrity of the rhythm will take much practice unfortunately and I think it will take some time both reading and writing more to get it right.
If you need any more review just remember what I said. Thanks for letting me review by the way.
Your hero,
ImHero
Hello!
. Cool idea by the way, fantasy and reality are often separated into two categories that only join in fiction stories. But when you say collide, what are you saying?
This is definitely poetry
So we live in reality. Normal, physical reality. But where does fantasy exist? No where physical, because then it would become a reality. So, fantasy only exists in imagination, make-believe stories and far fetched ideas. If a story is true, it's a reality. It can be fantasy and reality when it is both a made up story(never going to happen) and existing in the reality of our imagination.
But your idea here is that 'if fantasy and reality collided, who would take a stand?' - you mean, collide how?
I also don't understand your use of representation of what I am guessing is reality and fantasy when you say 'would there ever be a collision between the uncertainty of the approaching night and the solace of pure light?' - generally, night is good and light is bad, so are you saying either reality or fantasy is negative, or just using this well known pair of opposites to show the difference between reality and fantasy? I just don't think of fantasy or reality in a really 'night' sense.
'Would we use that knowledge to pry ourselves from the darkness? ' - from what darkness? the darkness of fantasy, maybe reality? Again, 'darkness' is not what I would use to describe either of those, so is there a different antagonist in your poem?
'If we saw water as a bridge separating us from fluidity and dryness, ' - love it when people compare other things to bridges. They are just so comparable! Anyway, you say water is the factor that separates fluidity from dryness, but I think water IS the fluidity, so your comparison here doesn't make so much sense.
Well, I still think the idea is pretty cool. You did a good job, so keep writing!
~ Sarra ~
Hi there,
I think you should classify this as poetry! A very wise professor once told me that "poetry is when the writer decides when the line ends" and you obviously have very definite line breaks here. And good ones too! I love your use of rhyme as it adds to the "fantasy" feel of this piece. However, one tiny thing that I have to point out is that poems are usually not centered on the page unless it contributes to the meaning of the piece. So if you do classify this as poetry, it might be smart to justify it to the left. Also, another tiny thing, you don't have to capitalize the first word on each new line. That's fine if you want to, but don't feel like you have to. All in all, great job. Clear, strong message, great use of rhyme. Keep up the good work!
~Tiny