Humanity is fading away
The walls of mankind are crumbling
And the world is growing wearier by the day
The universe is a wound that needs repair
Our hearts are sick with grief
And we don't know how much
more of this tune we can bear.
While we're desperate for someone to listen
The children of broken homes are the ones to pay
For the destruction that's left us in this condition.
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139,547 Literary Works • 672,606 Reviews
Beautiful piece of art. As far as I remember you always write something I enjoy reading. I'd change just one little line If I were you, and that's:
"Our hearts are infected by grief."
It would give your song/poem more power and feelings while the reader would float down it.
But that's just an advice, either way it's good! Keep writing, let me enjoy reading the truth. Yes, the truth, that's what I find in your literary works. Good job!
~Bard
Amazing, short, simple, effective. I hope this really sort out well with things, I sang it in a slow, sad tune, dragging on some of the words. It really worked out! This is quite remarkable how you've been able to turn literacy to song and almost love in a way, if you know what I mean. I'm proud of you for conjuring such a wonderful piece of work! Well Done!
Hiya ariana!
I remember reviewing some of your lyrics in the past, and I think this is my favourite thing of yours I've read so far. Although quite short for lyrics, I really like the message and I think it's sad but true. And that's always good with lyrics/poem/any form of writing really, to try and communicate something which not many people might be aware about- and I think you've done this really well here. I like the language that you've used.
My first point is that this seems more like a poem rather than lyrics- which is more to do with the length and the way it's laid out. Either way though, I still think more could be added to this, because you do talk about humanity and it's problems, but it's done in a more metaphorical way- which is good but like maybe you could really talk about why humanity is bad, and what exactly are the problems with it- just a suggestion!
I like how here you've ran this sentence onto the next line, however I think it would be better if the second line started with 'of' so it'd look like this:
And we don't know how much more
of this tune we can bear.
This kind of brings me onto my next point, and something I wasn't too fond of about this poem/lyrics is that each line started with a noun followed by describing the noun, apart from the lines I just quoted above. I think it gets a bit boring because it's slightly repetitive, also, I think it loses the flow of it a bit because it stops and starts a lot.
Overall, I did enjoy reading this piece of writing because I really enjoyed the message of it all and the language that you've used! I think although it's sad, it's something that should be written/talked about more, so good on you for doing that! My critiques are more about the technical sides of it all like the structure, but also maybe you could add a bit more to what is actually wrong with humanity- you could still use the metaphorical language you're using now. Anyways, I hope this review helped, feel free to PM me with any questions you have or if you'd like another review on anything.
Keep writing!
~ArcticMonkey x
Sad, but so heartbreakingly true.
This was very well written, but there are two things that I would like to point out to you.
First:
You capitalized the first letter of every sentence except for this one. To keep with the pattern, I think that you should capitalize the 'm'. If you don't want to, that's fine, but it just feels a little weird because it isn't.
Second, you've got periods in some good places, but I think adding a few commas here and there would help with the flow. It kind of feels choppy.
Peace
HT
Well I think that it is really cool that you are trying out lyrics. I do have to say that this particular piece seeems more like a poem then a song lyric. Remember that lyrics are to be sung by voice and used with music so when you write them you have to take that into consideration.
"Our hearts are sick with grief
And we don't know how much
more of this tune we can bear"
I really like this, it seems rather united (don't know if this makes much sense). I love how you say that our hearts are sick, it really makes a point about the people of this world. I also love how you have brought up the 'tune' that we can not bear. It is particuarly ironic because you are writing song lyrics and you use another word for music, sound. It just seems so cool to me (sorry about the ranting).
"Humanity is fading away
The walls of mankind are crumbling"
This seems so real... scratch that it is as if you are a great and powerful person sitting upon a throne and describing what you see. If you dont mind me asking I would really like to know how old you are (please don't get fricked out) I just feel like wowed by you. You seem to speak with unworldly knowledge. The way that you have described Humanity and mankind seems really poetical and smart, wise. As I have mentioned above in the beginning (of this nonrelevent review since I could have summoned it up in the first paragraph but I didnt cause I am just to dum to do that) this really seems like a good poem. Please don't get offended becuase I know that it is not so nice to tell a writer what and what not there work is, so that is excatly what I am not doing. The last thing I can say is keep reading and work to achive your goals.