The children have been through the ds of hell
And now that they're here, they have stories to tell
About the lives they lived and the horrors they saw
In time's progression,
The childen grew tired of oppressionThey did know what they were experiencing was wrongBut because of their ignorance, they had to cope and move along
They knew they would have to strengthen and pay no mindTo their families, their friends, and the violence they left behind.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hi there,arianaSarroyo!Have a good day.So here I am to make a review on your amazing poem!
Oh my god,what a beautiful and fantastic poem here!I love the way you bring the theme here and it working as a great poem to me.
"The children have been through the depths of hell
And now that they're here, they have stories to tell
About the lives they lived and the horrors they saw
And this time, they're raw."
#The first stanza is my favourate 'masterpiece'.I enjoy read your poem as the points here is so clear,understandable and very strong emotions here:
'As time progressed, the children
Grew weary of being oppressed
They knew they would have to strengthen and pay no mind
To their friends, their homes and the violence they left behind."
*But the second stanza,it seems like I lost the feeling.
'From the moment they fled, they did not know what would become of them
Nor did they know from where the problems did stem
They did know what they were experiencing was wrong"-It is quiet too simple to me.I hope you can make it more interesting if you try another words so that it did't feels like 'inelegant'.Because this lines used to make me feel sorry to the children,but I just can't feel the feeling here.
In overall,it is really amazing and nice to read your poem.I hope to see more masterpieces from you soon in YWS.Keep writing and good job.Cheer!
Thank you.
Let's take this line by line, shall we?
"The children have been through the depths of hell" Okay, so we're talking about children. Good to know. This was a good starter line, it really caught my attention. Why are children in hell? That's not good! Children should be safe! It really piqued my interest.
"And now that they're here, they have stories to tell" oh goodie. I like stories. This is a nice line as it sets us up for what happens in the past. I like this particular rhyme. It's not too cliche, and it feels natural, along with the rhythm.
"About the lives they lived and the horrors they saw" whoa buddy. watch your formatting! If you have to, just go back and rewrite it. You don't *have* to copy/paste. It would make it look much nicer. This line wasn't the best, but it's not bad. It's just one of those lines you have to include for story's sake. But it was very vivid, especially with the word "horrors." Because this line isn't as 'heavy' per se, as some of your other lines, I don't think "The lives they lived" (also you should capitalize that) is a fantastic title. Maybe something like "Violence Left Behind" or something would be more impacting.
"And this time, they're raw." I don't like this line. The rhymes sound forced, and it throws off the rhythm. To be a constructive critic, I'm gonna give you an example of what would make this a billion times better! Try something like, "And all the tortures that left them raw." That way, the rhyme isn't forced-sounding, and the rhythm is restored. You don't have to do exactly that of course.
"From the moment they fled, they did not know what would become of them" This line just kind of sounds awkward. It's too long and throws the rhythm out of whack again. I love the actual meaning of the line, just the execution that was off for me. You can fix it! But I don't have any good suggestions on exactly how.
"Nor did they know from where the problems did stem" ew ew ew ew ew. I HATE the "did stem" part. There is no tense where that is grammatically correct. Just say stemmed. close rhymes are okay. "did stem" is not. I know it was to help with the rhythm, but you can make the rhythm right by doing something else. The rest of this line is okay. Kind of meh. You're not jerking any tears or ANY sort of emotion from me. It's nice, but eh. Also, I think you might need a period on the end of this sentence.
"They did know what they were experiencing was wrong" Just say knew. Pleeeeaase just say knew. If you do nothing else, just say knew. I like the meaning of this line. I dunno why. Maybe just the fact that while they knew hardly anything, they did have some deep sense of morals, deep down in there.
"But because of their ignorance, they had to cope and move along" ooh, you voiced what I was trying to say. Their ignorance. perfect word. This threw off the rhythm as well. it's too long. Figure out some way to trim it down and make it work. I also like the word cope. It fits well.
"As time progressed, the children/Grew weary of being oppressed" This does not work. These lines disrupt the flow of the poem. I just really don't like it, and the meaning doesn't add much to the poem. The lines after this do not talk of an uprising because the children were so oppressed that they rebelled, which is what they should talk about if you have this line here. Personally, I'd delete it, but because I am a constructive critic, not a destructive one (I have to keep reminding myself of this), I will give you an example of how to fix the rhythm: "As their torment increased and time progressed, / The children grew weary of being oppressed." That would make these lines better, but I feel as if they would be best by simply not being there. Also, you need a period or a colon.
"They knew they would have to strengthen and pay no mind" strengthen what? themselves? How about "They would have to grow stronger" instead? That works so much better. I like this line, especially with the last line.
"To their friends, their homes and the violence they left behind." I really like this line, despite what iggy says. I don't think it throws off the poem at all. It might even be my favorite line. It shows growth and moving forward.
If I knew that this poem was about something specific, (like children escaping from concentration camps or something) It would have a lot more meaning. Right now though, it just feels like a bad dream. I want to get more meaning out of this! I liked it, I just wished a few things were different.
You did a great job.
Keep writing!
~Fortis
Why do you have a giant gap between the lines? Do you intend to add more content to this later on? If not, then I advise cutting this out. It's a little awkward and distracting.
I liked the text change between the lines, I thought that was very cool.
What exactly did you mean by this? That the horrors are raw? Or that the lives are? Or both? And when you say that they're raw, what exactly do you mean by saying that? Why are they raw?
This sentence feels a little long to me. Maybe you should consider cutting out a few words to fix that.
These feel a little short compared to the rest of the poem.
It seems here that you are trying to say something along the lines of, "be strong," but instead you say, "strengthen," and to me that makes no sense in the sentence content.
Overall, your grammar/spelling/punctuation was very good. I enjoyed reading this, and I liked the topic you chose. You explored and covered it very well. There were several things which I did mention, and so I will leave you to writing.
Hello there and happy Review Day!
Forcing the rhymes out. Don't do that. When you do that, you make the poem sound weird when read aloud.
Better, much better. This is a good example of easy rhythm.
This is my biggest nitpick. You worked so hard to buld up a steady rhyme scheme and format for your poem, and then you end with this. Why? It doesn't match up with the rest of the poem. I feel that this could be revised to help the work flow, because this was a choppy ending and it kinda broke the spell your poem had be under.
Other than that, you did a nice job with this! Really nice, I liked the way you set up the rhymes. Like I said, some felt forced, but it was overall a pleasure to read and the flow was great.
Keep on writing!
~Iggy