I took a moment in time
To free myself of pain
And to ease my mind.
I look to the stars
The light begins to fade
I think of what I'm leaving behind
But there's a world out there
And I can't stay in these
Four walls forever.
Some day they might fall
So I have to learn to spread my wings
To touch a life, to let freedom ring.
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140,804 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
This poem is ok.
I have a question, though.
You say you cant stay in the walls forever. then you say they might fall.
Do you want to escape the walls, or do you appreciate their safety, so when they fall, you want to be ready to face the world?
The beginning of this poem flows along nicely, but then I think it looks and sounds like your thoughts are getting jumbled, and your speaking too quickly.
Sorry about the critisism, but thanks for a nice poem!
It's a short poem. Single stanza. Limited.
That's the feeling I get: limited, by language, mostly.
EDIT: On further consideration, it was shortsighted of me to judge your poem on length or theme. Short poetry, and poetry of worn themes, can still be excellent. So don't worry about those things.
Take with salt; mind the edges.
So you did. Quite explicitly. No figurative language, metaphor, subtlety.
It is hard to make realistic, suitable suggestions for a free-verse poem - mainly because there are no rhyme constraints, and too many ways to improve.
Being less explicit is, albeit general, one of the best suggestions I can make.
I have before mentioned avoiding egregious language; which could help your work.
And you lack flow. There is no interplay between your lines.
Consider:
"I see a stream,/it passes through;/pretty little brook."
"Beatific brook sounds/through passages of rock/I watch as it falls off."
I can easily capture greater emotion in the lines by adding descriptors ("beatific", "passages of rock") and action ("sounds," "falls off") which make sounds together - also known as alliteration ("beatific" and "brook" start similarly) and off-rhyme ("rock" and "off"). I also remove or reposition egregious words so they are surrounded by good ones.
You don't really have that. Your lines read flat; and poetry is about sound, full and true.
I would not re-write your poem. It would be a waste for both of us. But there are hardly any technical, gritty suggestions I can make - significant ones - without inadvertently doing so.
So you. Rewrite your poem. It's fine. But it's not good. Once it is good, I can make directed suggestions.
Don't be dissuaded by a poem that isn't excellent. Revise, redraft, repeat. It's the only way to improve.
Be forever hortatory,
~Skorlir
Hello arianasarroya!!
I'm hanorah and I'll be reviewing your poem , since you asked me too!!
I did like this poem, it was capitilsed well and flowed well, but there wasn't enough punctuation.
I cant see any grammar problems, so well done!!
I liked how it was simple and short too, so overall nice work!!
~keep writing
This is very good. But it is my personal opinion that the title does not suite the content of the poetical (or is it lyrical? I can never truly tell the difference) work. Although, in a way I suppose it does, but I reading this it seems that the topic is more of what the author is leaving behind (why is she leaving, by the way?) rather than a moment in time.
If you had elaborated on the moment of time in which she (I assume that she is a she, although if I am wrong I apologize) has to free herself of pain then I might say that the title worked with the piece. But, the way you directed the work to have her consider what she is leaving and the fact that she can't stay makes the title somewhat inappropriate.
Today you are my favorite review so far, as you do not have any grammar errors that I can see. Congratulations.
The piece overall was a wonderful read, and I believe applies to anyone about to make a big change in their lives, but more so to college seniors (such as I) who are about to 'Spread their wings'. You are a wonderful writer, and I hope to read more of your work in the future.
Happy Writing!
HT
Sushi here as requested, it took some time finding it but I finally got here.
Good stuff: I loved the last lines that you wrote because it really painted an image in my mind of a person becoming an angel and flying off to where they belonged. The mood you gave your poem was nice and light, but it had a sort of sadness to it too, so good job on that. I also tend to like it when the author of a poem starts their poem with the title of their piece, but what made your's better than just doing that is you allowed it change so that it might flow easier into the next line.
Improvement: When you started talking about the four wall and how you couldn't stay there that kind of broke the mood of your piece. First you are gazing up at the stars, then you say how you can't stay in these four walls which is too vague yet too detailed. Just walls or barriers of some sort would be fine, but you said four so then people start focusing on the walls. It's really hard to explain what I mean, but that part wasn't too big yet it stood out.
Overall: This was a really well done poem. With just a couple words you were able to create and image and mood for me that I eventually found myself absorbed in. Great job.
Sushi
Such a great feeling you get from this poem here. It is a shorter piece but holds no less depth to it. This is a very relatable poem that can mean such special thing to one person, while being a totally different experience for another. It has a certain feeling of peace and release from something constraining. I have no problems with this poem, only I encourage you in the future to try and use certain mechanisms in a lot of poetry like alliteration, consonance, assonance, end rhyme, and etc. You can only get better from here. Good work
This poem is really beautiful. It has a light and sweet sensation to it that flowed through my body the entire time I read it. Anyway, as far as spelling, punctuation, grammar, and capitalization, the poem is perfect.
I have to say, my favorite part was,
"To free myself from pain
And ease my mind."
I understand it as giving the message of, "Inner Piece." I dint know if you see it but to tele the truth, I don't see it either. It's just a feeling I get from those verses in particular. Keep up the great work!
Cheers!
~The dark one