The Devil's Dance

The music starts and that devil of a smile comes in.
Your life and acievements have built up to this moment.
The momentous occasion of that charming dance
The devils dance of course.
Cunning, deceitful, and charming all at once
The strings are pulled one by one as the devil himself plays the violin.
The drums release the earth-shattering booms of gods,
The flute demonic and enchanted plays a tune that charms even the most
Cunning of demons
The devils dance was one to be trifled with.
The dancers waltz in fine tune to the music of death.
The music warns of legend and speaks in a snakes tongue.
The music itself has its own hallowed tale to tell a life time to tell
As all of us do…
But this was beyond spectacular and then the music ends
With the most charming end
The instruments take turns showing their last dance and then
All at once they stop…..

Comments

Points: 25864
Reviews: 1334

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Thu Aug 08, 2013 12:44 am

Hannah wrote a review...

Hey, PumpkinCat! I am here to make up for the Secret Santa reviews you never officially received. ;_; I'm sorry you got stuck with a Santa Deadbeat, but! I am here now in the Christmas spirit~ Better late than never, right? You'll get two of these, so sit tight! And Merry Christmas!

Now, first of all, I have to say that I love the topic concept for this poem. Poems often do really well paired with or describing music because both poetry and music try to describe human life in ways that are hard to understand straightforwardly. You have the power in that rhythm is expected in poetry, so you can evoke the big drums underneath the music in a rhythm of your words or with some other literary device. It's fitting and has the potential to be really successful!

There are, however, some language problems. I think many of them occur because the language wants to sound epic and old and thrilling, but is in fact just misused. For example:

The devils dance was one to be trifled with.

This sentence means that the devils dance was something you should just play with, make nothing serious of. Obviously, you mean something "not" to be trifled with, but also you suddenly change from present tense to past with the "was" in this line.

The dancers waltz in fine tune to the music of death.

Hmm... how exactly are the dancers waltzing in tune? Musicians can play in tune -- it means they're on the same scale as the rest of the music and not messing it up, but a dance doesn't have a tune, right? You might have meant fine form?

Beware of small mistakes like these if possible!

I think that if you are looking to edit this piece, you should definitely focus on highlighting more of the dark side of the dance. The idea of a dance and music brings immediately to mind happy, lively affairs, but you're trying to describe something different. Highlight the demons, the snakes tongue, and go further than just mentioning them. Get deeper into the awesome details with reference to the senses -- sight, smell, taste, sound, touch -- that I know you have waiting in you!

PM me if you have any questions or comments about this review, please.
Good luck and keep writing, and I'm off to your second Secret Santa review!

Points: 822
Reviews: 3

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Tue Apr 02, 2013 6:54 pm

IamOne wrote a review...

This is a nice dark piece. Your writing has good imagery as i read i can picture it all.

i couldn't help but to think of "the devil went down to Georgia" by the Charlie Daniels band http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FgvfRSzmMoU Where did your writing originate from? Where did you get the idea to write this?

The first two sentences i really like brought me in and i thought a battle was going to go down.

"Cunning deceitful and charming all at once
The strings are pulled one by one as the devil himself plays the violin.
The drums let out the earth-shattering booms of gods,
The flute charming and enchanted plays a tune that charms even the most
Cunning of demons"
Love this part
your choice of words i like but the last sentence
"The flute charming and enchanted plays a tune that charms even the most
Cunning of demons" needs a bit of work in my opinion. Use a different word other than "charms" or just try and describe the scene a bit different in general

The word "charming" or just "charm" comes up a bit too much. Again, use a different word or try and describe the scene differently.

But, all in all, i love it.
"The strings are pulled one by one as the devil himself plays the violin.
The drums let out the earth-shattering booms of gods" - best line in my opinion

PumpkinCat says...

Here is where it originated I was listening to this when I made it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PjmsMTrgDjM

Points: 286
Reviews: 241

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Tue Apr 02, 2013 12:20 pm

Jonathan wrote a review...

Hello Cat here i am for a little review that I hope can help you.

First off sense your new here I will let you know something if you have not already you should read some of the other poetry some of it is really good here lets see if I can give you the link to some good poetry http://www.youngwriterssociety.com
/work.php?id=100656#c355820 there you should check it out.

OK violins are not at all like guitars you dont pull them you use a bow and some other stuff.

Hmm this is interesting little poem I liked it I hope you had a good Easter too.

Good luck and keep writing.

Really good work.

~Jon~

Points: 8102
Reviews: 107

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Tue Apr 02, 2013 2:00 am

EnchantedPanda wrote a review...

Hello PumpkinCat,

EnchantedPanda here to review your poem!

Oooh, I like this, it's got a really eerie and dark feel to it and you've done an excellent job conveying the scary and supernatural theme to your story. Even the title- "The Devil's Dance"- sounds ominous which I think was the feel that you were going for when you wrote and edited this. It's definitely got an underlying haunting darkness which was actually really effective in grabbing the attention of the person reading and keeping you feeling slightly nervous and on edge when you read it. This almost feels like a description of ancient folklore type thing or some kind of dark and mysterious myth being told through poetry. It's fresh and original and it's also very creative. Your adventurous attitude and risk taking has really helped turn this from cliche scary poem to new and exciting, dramatic and attention grabbing so good job in that area.

The only criticism I have for you is a few nitpicks which I'll list below;

The music goes and that devil of a smile comes in.

In this line I wouldn't use "goes" because it sounds odd and doesn't properly explain what you are trying to describe. try something like "starts".

Your life and momentum of speed

Momentum of speed? I think you might want to consider rephrasing this fragment because I see what you tried to do but it didn't really work properly.

has built up to this achieving moment.

It is impossible to as you put it, "achieve a moment". Instead I would suggest just leaving out the verb "achieving". "Has built up to this moment" sounds fine and it actually makes the beat count more balanced and poem more flowing. So it's win win.

Cunning deceitful and charming all at once

Minor error but you need a comma between "cunning" and "deceitful" otherwise this line is grammatically incorrect.

The drums let out the earth-shattering booms of gods,

I would suggest using "release" rather than "let out". but that's just me being fussy- I think it would sound better.

The flute charming and enchanted plays a tune that charms

In this part you use "charming" and "charms" in close proximity of another. try an avoid doing that with poetry or any kind of writing because it just feels repetitive and is pointless and dull. Just use either the first or last one and find another word that is synonymous with it if you feel it's necessary to emphasize a particular quality.

Love, life and death all at one momentous time

This stanza stuck out to me because it's slightly awkward and doesn't fit in entirely. I can't pinpoint exactly why but it just sounds cliche and not very effective. I'd reword this or just cut it out entirely.

Overall I thought this was pretty good. You've still got some grammar elements which are in need of fixing but it's nothing huge and I'm pretty sure you can find them without me pointing them out to you. Apart from that I really did enjoy this. I've been blunt with my criticism but that' just because I liked this and I want you to improve because I know you've got the potential to do so. If you have any comments or questions about this review please message me or if you want another review then I would be happy to. I hope my criticism was helpful to you and I hope that you will consider some of my suggestions for your poem. Keep up the great writing and I can't wait to see more from you! Good luck!

From EnchantedPanda

PumpkinCat says...

The music starts and that devil of a smile comes in.
Your life and achievements have built up to this moment.
The momentous occasion of that charming dance
The devils dance of course.
Cunning, deceitful and charming all at once
The strings are pulled one by one as the devil himself plays the violin.
The drums release the earth-shattering booms of gods,
The flute cunning and enchanted plays a tune that charms even the most
Cunning of demons
The devils dance was one to be trifled with.
The dancers waltz in fine tune to the music of death.
The music warns of legend and speaks in a snakes tongue.
The music itself has its own hallowed tale to tell a life time to tell
As all of us do%u2026
But this was beyond spectacular and then the music ends
With the most charming end
The instruments take turns showing their last dance and then
All at once they stop%u2026..

With your edits

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The Devil's Dance

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