Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
*note by author: This was one I wrote a long time ago, experimenting with unconventional (and probably incorrect) methods of writing. In this one I changed the meter of the poem. The first line has one syllable in it, the next line has 2, and so on until there are 10 syllables in it. After that line, it goes in reverse: 9 in the next line, 8 in the next, and so on until there is one syllable in a line.*
Hey
Hey you
See that girl?
The one over there?
The one with the brown hair?
Yeah, I like her a lot
I find her quite attractive
You want me to go ask her out?
I’m going to go talk to her now
She just told me that she has a boyfriend
Oh well, there’s other fish in the sea
What are you looking at me for?
What, was it something that I said?
Take it easy, buddy
Don’t get mad at me
I didn’t know
She was your
Girlfriend
Damn...
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Thewriter13 here to give a quick review. *hey 80s buddy*
The topic is certainly original and I loved reading about it.
What can I say about this piece?
A LOT. Because it is so good and well written and well thought out.
I didn't expect the ending and I felt sad for the speaker but I also laughed at the irony of how the speaker's friend was misleading him.
Anyway I think the cliché you used here:
"She just told me that she has a boyfriend
Oh well, there’s other fish in the sea" can be overlooked as it still adds to the imagery but I have seen this a lot. Perhaps use a more original metaphor rather than one that's been used a lot?
But nonetheless it's a great topic
I think the format here is great as well. Good experimenting!
Well I'm off as I have no true critique or suggestions.
Keep up the good work
and Keep writing!
Hello! KatyaElefant here for another review! Happy Review Day!
I can't say anything against this because I liked it a lot. Your grammar is pretty good and I have to say the same for your spelling. Your formatting! Oh my gosh! I loved it! The syllables are really cool. I love how it made a sideways pyramid! I feel like you could take this poem as something that is really sad. Also, I noticed that this is labeled as general and general. I could think that this could be realistic and even romantic. Is this a conversation but only one side? (Like as if you are listening to someone on the telephone?) I have to say that I hate guys that do this. I remember that this one guy asked me out and then when I said no, he was like good, it was an April Fools joke(the middle of December). I love how the end takes a dark turn. I love it when anything does that. Keep Writing! I really enjoyed this work! Have a happy review day!
Hello.
Kanome here with a review for you.
I love the way you formatted this. Like you said in your author's note c:
It's seems really cool for someone like to experiment something and it comes out well as the result.
Anyways, I love the poem.
I like story line in it also.
I consider it one of the best poems I ever read.
Anyways, keep up the good work. I can't wait to read more of your work c:
P.S The story seemed sad at the end D:
I really like how you presented your poem, using the syllables to make it interesting and really unique. It made you want to read it because it was different. I also just like your poem in general. It doesn't hold a lot of emotion but it really worked for the poem and they style in which you used. This poem also seems like it holds a lot of truth to you, which is really cool to read because everyone is different in every situation so it will always be a little different and unique. Overall, I really liked your poem, so great job.
Keep up the good writing!
- Roxie Rain
Thanks! Actually, I really didn't want much emotion for this. I wanted it to be simple, straightforward, and maybe a bit funny. Thanks Roxie!
Yeah, I thought that was probably the case and it really worked for that poem. Great job! and you are welcome!