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12+ Violence Mature Content

Alice and the aliens: Part Seven

by vampricone6783


*This is part seven of my series “Alice and the aliens”. This story is underneath my folder titled “Alice and the aliens”. Gacha Club character designs are underneath my forum titled “My character designs <33”. Enjoy!*



Rebecca and Muerte were talking animatedly with B392 about the inner workings of the spaceship. Sage and Victoria were telling Melissa about what it was like to be space vampires, and Evanna, shackled to the ground, was watching silently. The arm that B392 had bitten off Evanna had grown back, due to space vampire anatomy.

Alice creaked open the door to A2614’s room. He had run off to his room after Victoria was found, and he hadn’t come out in a while.

He sat on his bed, head down, claws rubbing his yellow hair as though he were deep in thought

“A2614? Are you okay?” Alice asked, sitting next to him on the bed.

He looked up at her, his electric orange eyes tinged with tears.

“Captain D9302 killed my parents. All because they didn’t believe in her philosophy. We’ve been traveling in space for a while now, I’m not sure if we’ll ever find all of the ghosts. What if it’s too late? What if we’re all going to..to die?” He asked.

A2614 cringed, as though he regretted the words that came out of his mouth.

But Alice squeezed his claw gently and said:

“It’s not too late. We’re going to save all of the ghosts from being trapped, and we’re going to defeat Captain D3902. You said so yourself, that everything will be okay.”

She had to convince him, because if he didn’t listen, then why bother going through with the mission at all? It had to work. They couldn’t just let the whole world crumble…right?

The aircraft began to shake violently, as though it were in an Earthquake. The others at the control system screamed, Alice and A2614 held onto each other for dear life.

……………………………………………………

Alice attempted to walk through the rattling Earthquake, A2614 holding onto her. She had to see…had to see if everyone was okay…

All that was left was Evanna shackled to the ground, and Sage hugging Victoria close.

Rebecca and Muerte. Her two close friends since middle school. Gone.

B392, A2614’s sister. Gone.

Melissa, her own little sister whom she tried to protect from the oddities of the alien world…Gone.

All around them was a funnel…a funnel of…

Alice closed her eyes, searching for the funnel’s true core, the funnel’s true energy.

The funnel wasn’t natural. It was compiled of pain and suffering, constructed by someone else.

It was made of souls, souls that were lost, souls that were broken…scared souls, petrified souls…child souls…child souls with no one to go to, no hope left in their little hearts.

Orphans. They were the ghosts of orphans.

Something with sheer power and force had made them constructed into a funnel, something malicious and hateful, something that wasn’t of Earth…

Alice got a flash of a pale woman in violet armor with sparkling, violent blue eyes, her white hair holding faded colors of teal and purple.

It was none other than Captain D9302.


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Mon Jun 24, 2024 2:55 pm
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goodolnoah wrote a review...



Image

Hello there, one of King Koopa’s loyal henchmen, here!

Hello again! ~ Writing Commentary

“Captain D9302 killed my parents. All because they didn’t believe in her philosophy. We’ve been traveling in space for a while now, I’m not sure if we’ll ever find all of the ghosts. What if it’s too late? What if we’re all going to..to die?” He asked.


I think this chapter does a good job of adding a bit more character to Captain D9302. Her philosophy seems to revolve around wanting the universe to die? I am unsure, just ideas. The protags goals is to get rid of the ghosts and send them to Heaven(?). I assume that the Captain is opposing them, I am certainly curious!

It was none other than Captain D9302.


With this, it seems like we will get some insight into my previous statement next chapter.

Love and…Lost Souls ~ Story Commentary

Now that I am caught up to your story so far, I will leave some of my takeaways.

Your characters are pretty interesting thus far. I think the mere shortness of the chapter is where I find it a bit difficult to see much of your character’s personality traits thus far, besides Alice and her sister.

For example A2614’s main trait is that…he is an alien and he loves Alice, for…some reason. I assume you will answer this soon, but I think there is more to do when it comes to personality. Perhaps little quirks, stuff like that. I don’t feel like I know much about him personally, but I do have an idea about what his species is like.

I also have mixed feelings about the names like “A2614”. It feels like these characters have names that robots would have, not aliens. Usually when I include otherworldly or alien-like figures in my stories, I try to give them weird names (guess a comparison to make could be Star Wars…). Or I give naming conventions to their society. For example, a world bases names all on animals, so there are characters with names like “Panda, Kitty”, etc. I guess the number thing is a naming convention, but I don’t feel like they are particularly memorable because the number feels more like a random string of numbers.

Sorry for the ramble there. This is all my opinion and shouldn’t be taken to heart. This is also my opinion THUS FAR. It will likely change in later chapters, since I think we are still quite early in the story.

The Tornado… ~ Closer

Either way, interesting chapter!




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Sun Jun 16, 2024 7:43 am
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Inferno wrote a review...



Hello, my fellow writing friend!

Let's get into this little beauty...




A Little Skimming - First Impressions
A short, dramatic tidbit to this series. Starting off describing what everyone on crew were doing, a sort of recap on what's happening. You describe the doubt of A2614 very well, Alice going to check on him. She tries to encourage him, but then something makes the ship tremble. A ghost. Multiple ghosts, and Captain D9302 one of them.




Love it! - Parts That I Like
Wow. First off, a love the dramatism of the beginning. You bring out realistic doubts from A2614. It helps the reader sort of see into the character's mind in a way.

The aircraft began to shake violently, as though it were in an Earthquake. The others at the control system screamed, Alice and A2614 held onto each other for dear life.

Ooh, the suspense was wonderfully built here. I love how you constructed it in a way to make the reader itch to read on.

She had to see…had to see if everyone was okay…

Again, the suspense is so well made. The repetition of the statement brought out the sense of worry and uncertainty of Alice. I absolutely loved that!

Rebecca and Muerte. Her two close friends since middle school. Gone.

B392, A2614’s sister. Gone.

Melissa, her own little sister whom she tried to protect from the oddities of the alien world…Gone.

Oh my gosh, I wanted to cry at this part. The depth and sadness of these lines. The depression and weight of loss crowding this character's mind. It was a nice touch to add in those emotions. Well done!

Something with sheer power and force had made them constructed into a funnel, something malicious and hateful, something that wasn’t of Earth…

Alice got a flash of a pale woman in violet armor with sparkling, violent blue eyes, her white hair holding faded colors of teal and purple.

Mmm, I love the descriptions you used for this part. The details of the woman really lets me teleport into the world you describe.




Just A Tad Off... - Errors and Corrections
Not much corrections.
I would just love it if you included more descriptions of characters and such. I feel like it would be much more captivating if you added more characteristics on each individuals appearance, or the inside of the aircraft. It would also help to elongate the story more. Maybe you could include more in one part, combine other parts, or just add more scenes, because a usual novel chapter is a tad longer than this.




Salutations! - Final Thoughts and Goodbyes
Thanks for the tag! Tag me on the next one! Have a wonderful day, and keep writing!
Inferno :smt023




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Sun Jun 16, 2024 5:14 am
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Moonlily wrote a review...



Hello hello I hope you dont mind me popping in with a quick review. I have read some of this series before but not in order or fully, please forgive me if I get something wrong. Let's get into it, shall we?

Overall I liked this piece I don't have much context ( My fault not yours) but I feel this is when the conflict starts to heat up. I liked that it started off nice and quiet so the ending not only has the needed setup but also a bigger impact. On a side note biting people's arms off and space vampires sure caught my attention might need to read this fully.

Now onto the feedback, I promise this won't be too long. I will say that I still feel having thoughts and inner monologues in italics would help them stand out a bit more. It does get a little confusing when the pose gets a bit choppy like towards the end of this chapter.

As for the writing itself, I did notice some things that might help it overall. Please do keep in mind I am not a professional nor does anything I say need to be used. I want to start with a quick and easy fix.

“Captain D9302 killed my parents. All because they didn’t believe in her philosophy. We’ve been traveling in space for a while now, I’m not sure if we’ll ever find all of the ghosts. What if it’s too late? What if we’re all going to..to die?” He asked


This feels a little long to be one piece of dialogue I would personally break it up.

“Captain D9302 killed my parents, all because they didn’t believe in her philosophy. We’ve been travelling in space for a while now, and I’m not sure if we’ll ever find all of the ghosts." He pauses thinking through his next words "What if it’s too late? What if we’re all going to..to die?”


It might not be perfect but makes it easier for the reader to take in the next line while reading.

The aircraft began to shake violently, as though it were in an Earthquake


Although there's nothing wrong with this sentence personally the phrasing tripped me up a little. Of course, this could be just a me thing however I will put a version of it that might flow better below. ( might be a bit janky it's late here sorry)


The aircraft began to shake violently, as though it was trapped in an Earthquake.


last but Least but not least we have one line that has such a good impact but with a little rephrasing could shine even more.


Alice got a flash of a pale woman in violet armor with sparkling, violent blue eyes, her white hair holding faded colors of teal and purple.


This is a very good line but I have a few nitpicks that I hope you don't mind. Personally, I would put a period after blue eyes to avoid a run-on sentence. Secondly, the use of violent and sparkling kind of threw me off since they were back-to-back but it can work. It might just need to be rephrased a little.

Alice got a flash of a pale woman in violet armor there was a sparkle in her violent blue eyes. Her white hair held faded colors of teal and purple.


However, I still liked this one and hope this wasn't too harsh. As always keep writing and drink water!





Sometimes even shooting stars find wishes that miss their marks.
— TryHardNinja