Young Writers Society

Hello there, one of King Koopa’s loyal henchmen, here!

Hello again! ~ Writing Commentary

Wow, the confrontation with Antionette was an interesting one, and it seems like Alice is getting stronger with her powers! It’s cool that Alice uses a more soft and calm technique to pacify her opponents.

As the ship got closer, Alice noticed a little girl with rotten, greenish skin. She wore a pink nightgown and white socks that had purple bows. Her blond hair was filled with chunks of blood and dirt. One hand had no skin, only bone. The girl herself didn’t have any eyes as far as Alice could tell. Only one bleeding socket and one bandaged eye. A rose pink glow surrounded her.

Also, on second thought, looking back here to see what had happened to Antionette is pretty scary in all aspects, to think that her own sister did this to her. I feel like perhaps there is some parallel here too considering she has Alice in her own grasp.

Sisters ~ Closer

Cool chapter!

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression

Well looks like quite the situation to jump in at, as I do so to yet another story cause I want to rescue it from the green room. I will go back and read the others to get full context before moving further forward.

Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;

“While we get back to Earth, I’ll try and fix her.” Sage said.

She walked up to the Jasmine doll which sat on a pedestal in the middle of the aircraft and placed both hands on either side of it.

Alice and the others watched as the cracks glowed golden on the doll’s cracks, like veins, until the cracks came together, the dirt fell away, and Jasmine was all new again.

Ooh well it seems despite aliens being involved we've still get plenty of spooky paranormal things going down. I honestly love that, the idea of the paranormal and the extraterrestrial meshing is actually quite an interesting concept I think personally.

“If the doll is fixed, then this should make freeing her soul easier.” Sage said.

While the majority thanked Sage for her help, Melissa stared at a pulsating rose pink orb in the distance, completely fascinated. She pressed a button on the control system that opened the windows and out she flew, towards the orb.

Not a single living person noticed until it was far too late.

Ooh that does not look good there. Classic little moment of things going ever so slightly wrong but everyone else being a bit too focused on other things in the moment to actually notice.

Alice frowned. Why didn’t she hear Melissa’s voice?

She turned around, just to be sure.

Her heart almost stopped. Melissa was gone, nowhere to be seen.

“Guys, Melissa-“

But she didn’t need to continue, because all had turned around to see that Melissa’s presence was nonexistent.

Welp there comes the reveal. That happened a little bit quicker than I was expecting it to honestly. But I like that you don't drag it out too far and have that impact happen at the most sensible time.

I had ONE JOB! One job! All I had to do was watch over her and now she’s gone! I can’t believe I didn’t keep a better eye on her… Alice thought.

Her own sister, gone. Just like that. Lost to space, lost to a black hole. Who knew what kind of danger Melissa got herself into? All because Alice turned away for one second.

“It’s not your fault, okay. You didn’t expect this to happen. Don’t blame yourself.” A2614 said, clasping a green claw around her human hand.

Well that's a nice attempt at reassurance but you really can't exactly console someone with a few words given the sheer magnitude of what just went down in that particular moment.

Alice smiled half-heartedly. At least he was trying.

“She went that way!” Jasmine said, pointing far off to the distance.

B392 ran over to the controls, propelling the ship towards where Jasmine had pointed.

“Thank you.” Alice said.

Jasmine said nothing, returning back to her statue state.

Welp, at least they manage to mobilize somewhat quickly now once the initial bit of shock wears off. They're going to have to act rather quickly if they're to pull this off here.

As the ship got closer, Alice noticed a little girl with rotten, greenish skin. She wore a pink nightgown and white socks that had purple bows. Her blond hair was filled with chunks of blood and dirt. One hand had no skin, only bone. The girl herself didn’t have any eyes as far as Alice could tell. Only one bleeding socket and one bandaged eye. A rose pink glow surrounded her.

How the girl looked wasn’t important. It was the fact that she had Melissa at her grasp.

Alice closed her eyes, focusing her energy on the little dead girl. Maybe if she freed the corpse, then Melissa would be saved.

Ooh well this is quite the find, that definitely appears just a little bit terrifying but Alice seems ready to go ahead and risk it if it means saving her sister and you can't exactly blame her.

“Alice, don’t do it. We’ll handle it, just please, don’t do it. You’ve done enough.” A2614 pleaded.

But Alice ignored him and focused hard on the child.

Her name was Antionette. She was the daughter of George and Amara in the 1800s. She had a baby sister named Molly, whom she loved dearly.

Oooh ignoring the warnings is a bit of a dangerous move to be making there. Hopefully Alice here knows what she's doing and won't cause any accidental problems going through with this.

Antionette had a babysitter. A young poor girl called Arielle. Antionette had bright blue eyes, a trusting heart…a far too trusting heart, as it happened.

There was one night where everyone screamed. Blood was shed, tears fell in strangled sobs. All but Arielle in that house died, because it was Arielle who had killed them all.

The worst part of it was that Alice couldn’t find a reason why for Arielle’s crimes.

Well this is getting to be quite the intriguing bit of backstory for this person here. Definitely complicates matters a little now because it seems holding on in this moment isn't exactly a malicious. She also seems to just want a sister back here.

All Antionette had ever wanted was a little sister. Someone to fill the aching hole in her heart…

No one would ever be able to fill that hole but Molly. No one could ever replace Molly, that much, Alice knew.

All she had to do was tell Antionette.

Antionette, let her go. Please. Melissa is my little sister, my first friend, my close companion. To lose her would be to lose a part of myself. It would feel for me what losing Molly was for you.

Oooh looks like we're going in with the sympathy plea here which given what we know so far is a pretty good plea to go ahead with to be honest. I have a feeling this will pan out quite well here.

Molly waits for you at the other side. Your parents wait for you at the other side. Take it from me, Antionette. No one is going to replace Molly. No one.

Alice felt a violent flash in her body, a question tainted with the fear of a young child.

Are you sure? Do you know? Antionette asked.

Yes, I’m sure. Alice said.

OOh looks like Antoinette is willing to be reasonable here and Alice does seem to be telling the truth as far as this having a happy ending for Antoinette by letting go is concerned.

Then, she brought her energy to Antionette and saw for herself that Antionette flew high into the Heavens, where the blue skies were infinite, the flowers blossomed sweetly, and her family awaited eagerly.

Thank you. Antionette said.

A weight had been lifted out of Alice’s chest, but unlike the first time, she didn’t faint.

Well looks like that was a rather tough but ultimately in the end a fairly successful little negotiation. That seems to have gone quite well. Hopefully things will ease up now.

Nevertheless, A2614 left her at the ship and went to the control system, where he pressed the button that allowed the windows to open for Melissa.

He jumped out, reaching for Melissa. B392, Rebecca, Muerte, Sage, and even Jasmine attempted to comfort Alice, but still, the dizziness of freeing Antionette and the shock of almost losing Melissa lingered, freezing Alice in petrified fear.

Oooh we're ending on a bit of a cliffhanger still it would appear. Alice saving her sister for the moment but the both of them still in very real danger and a frozen in fear and shock right now.

Aaand that's it for this oneee!!!

Overall

Overall I think you've done a wonderful job pulling this one together here. Really showcases a very tense moment and then a brave but at the same time rather saddening little negotiation to free the sister there.

As always remember to: Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest!

Stay Safe and Have a Nice Day!
Kate