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Home ¿

by stygianmoon17


Home used to be

solace for my heart,

A bed and a resting place

for my worn out soul.

Our home used to be

our spot near the fireplace,

The dinners spent and the words exchanged

and the warm wide smiles, shining

at each other.


Yesterday, home was no more,

Dinner tables emptied of

presence. Replaced by noise,

Shouts, yells, doors slamming, glass breaking,

My mother crying softly.

A hollow fireplace.


Today, home is but

a growing, deepening crevasse in my mind,

And only with closed blinds and stuffed eyes,

Does home settle down its soothing lies.

I wish to be able to, somehow,

Fuse with this home etched in my mind,

To curl up in the fabric of my thoughts

Further and further, an animal cornered in its den,

At the approach of winter. And like a hibernating beast

locked away in the prison of its own mind I could just

close my eyes. Never to be seen again. 


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6 Reviews

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Fri Aug 25, 2023 11:34 pm
adelaide459 wrote a review...



This piece is written quite well and the experiences it describes along with the picture it paints is one I feel many people can relate to. I do feel like it could have potentially flowed somewhat more naturally in some places but overall was a nice read. It was engaging from start to finish in the way it draws the reader into the scene being painted keeping them drawn in through the reality of the feelings implied through the writing. I really enjoyed reading this piece.




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Thu Jun 08, 2023 2:53 pm
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AkuRashomon wrote a review...



Hello there! I might be late but who cares? I love sending out reviews and people love being reviewed a lot as well. If you don't know or remember me, this is Ina aka loveissourgrapes. I really do hope you are okay with the themes I have been reading about your poems if this happens to you in real life. Anyways, let's goo!

In the first stanza, you have explained that home was good and was something you loved to live in. I don't know if it's just me but this poem feels like Christmas. Especially the mentions of the fireplace, even if it is practically summer by now [so hot in my place btw]. And your family were a happy one.

"Home used to be
solace for my heart,
A bed and a resting place
for my worn out soul.
Our home used to be
our spot near the fireplace,
The dinners spent and the words exchanged
and the warm wide smiles, shining
at each other."

Then, you showed signs that your family seems to be unhappy nowadays. Yelling, arguing, madness and sadness. And it has started "yesterday". Your home feels empty, hollow and broken.

"Yesterday, home was no more,
Dinner tables emptied of
presence. Replaced by noise,
Shouts, yells, doors slamming, glass breaking,
My mother crying softly.
A hollow fireplace."

The ending is just sad. I hope your family is okay and you are okay as well. It's funny how some people say that their social media is like a diary but other people get to view it. This stanza is very good for an ending, telling how you feel and felt about what is and what was happening/happened to your family. Overall, it is good poem! Keep on writing! Have a good day/night and stay safe.

Today, home is but
a growing, deepening crevasse in my mind,
And only with closed blinds and stuffed eyes,
Does home settle down its soothing lies.
I wish to be able to, somehow,
Fuse with this home etched in my mind,
To curl up in the fabric of my thoughts
Further and further, an animal cornered in its den,
At the approach of winter. And like a hibernating beast
locked away in the prison of its own mind I could just
close my eyes. Never to be seen again.




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Wed Jun 07, 2023 3:54 am
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leleparadise wrote a review...



Hello, hope all is well. Here for a review.

First off, I enjoy the way you wrote this poem. From the first to the second stanza, you differentiate the moods beautifully. From making the reader feel warm and light hearted to cold and baren. Very nice contrast.

The transition from Yesterday to Today depicts the before and after of these feelings of loss fully settling in.

"I wish to be able to, somehow,
Fuse with this home etched in my mind" Again, your use of spacing for your sentence structure helps the poem flow so well

"To curl up in the fabric of my thoughts" This is my favorite line. Nice playful use of words.

The constant reference of being trapped inside the mind feels very repetitive. Especially near the end when you say "Like a hibernating beast locked away in the prison of its own mind..." I feel this could've been reworded to describe a different feeling of what hibernating beast may have. Over all, this is a beautiful piece. Keep up the good work.




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44 Reviews

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Mon Feb 13, 2023 2:40 am
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IMK wrote a review...



Hey, IMK here!

i'd first like to say that I loved reading this poem so so so so much it was GORGEOUS

--
First, I love how you can evoke emotions and create powerful images through your words. The way you describe "home" in the first stanza, as "solace for my heart" and "a bed and a resting place for my worn out soul," immediately draws the reader in, painting a picture of a warm, comforting place. The line "The dinners spent and the words exchanged / and the warm wide smiles, shining / at each other" adds to this feeling of comfort, creating a sense of closeness and family.

However, in the following stanza, the tone changes dramatically with the line "Yesterday, the home was no more." The emptiness and loss are palpable in the description of "Dinner tables emptied of / presence. Replaced by noise, / Shouts, yells, doors slamming, glass breaking." This sharp contrast between the comfort of home in the first stanza and the chaos and emptiness of home in the second stanza is powerful, and underscores the fragility of what we consider our "home."

The final stanzas, where you describe home as a "growing, deepening crevasse in my mind" and a "hibernating beast / locked away in the prison of its own mind," are especially haunting and they make me feel like I'm right in the story like MMMMH. The imagery of being cornered and "stuffed," with the approach of "winter," creates a sense of dread and foreboding that lingers long after reading the poem.

You have a talent for capturing complex emotions and experiences and expressing them in a way that is both beautiful and haunting. I'm super excited to read more of your work and see what other stories you will tell!!!!!




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Fri Feb 10, 2023 3:21 am
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4revgreen wrote a review...



This poem is a beautiful and melancholic take on the fragility of the places and memories that we hold dearest. Your use of imagery and language paint a vivid and heart-wrenching picture of a home that has been lost, and the longing to return.

I was particularly struck by this line: "a growing, deepening crevasse in my mind," which perfectly captures the sense of loss and emptiness that the narrator feels. The metaphor of the hibernating beast, seeking refuge within its own mind, is also powerful and adds a touch of the surreal to the poem.

The separation of the three stanzas in the poem really create a journey that takes the reader from a past memory of a happy home to the present reality of a broken home and finally to a future wish of escaping the pain of the present.

It's a beautifully poignant poem :-)




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Mon Feb 06, 2023 9:06 am
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Mikatsune wrote a review...



Hello there, Mika here for a quick review/comment!


So, wow! This poem is beautiful and well described! The transition from a welcoming home to a harmful and dark one really is relatable, especially in times of conflict and arguments! You could work on the rhythm though, it can be quite a sudden change and can make the poem quite messed up and confusing. now I know a lot of these things I've pointed out have been mentioned by other reviewers, but I'm only trying to give more feedback! I sincerely apologize if I've been no help! keep it up, lovely poem by the way, and good job! Have a lovely day/afternoon/night! :)




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Sun Feb 05, 2023 7:42 am
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Megha024 says...



Wow. So beautiful penned




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Sun Feb 05, 2023 3:01 am
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emilyrebecca wrote a review...



Hello! I'm here to leave a quick-ish review!!

First of all, I love your concept. I think home is a complex and personal topic that really intrigues me. I also like how this poem feels like a real progression through life and the way your perspective and feelings change.

And only with closed blinds and (shutten eyes, clogged eyes, stuffed eyes),

I really like the idea of using parenthesis in this way. To me it kind of makes it seem like there are so many more things you could list and these are just a few examples, which I think adds to the meaning.
To curl up in the fabric of my thoughts

Further and further, an animal cornered in its den,

At the approach of winter. And like a hibernating beast

Locked away in the prison of its own mind I could just

Close my eyes. Never to be seen again.

I LOVE this!! It's a great ongoing metaphor that in a lot of ways I relate to. The idea of wanting to retreat into your thoughts being shown through the literal idea of curling up is very creative and thoughtful.

Now a few suggestions and (hopefully) constructive advice I thought of while reading this piece. I think the rhythm is a bit confusing to read and maybe a bit distracting from your beautiful message. You might want to look at some of your line breaks and try reading them out loud (and maybe even record yourself reading them) so you can work a bit on some of the choppiness. Speaking of line breaks and formatting you may want to consider going through and editing some of the sentences that go through multiple lines, not only for flow but also for capitalization. I know this is a super annoying thing computers do, but every time you skip to a new line, you have a capital letter, even when it's halfway through a sentence. You could go through and fix that just for neatness' sake.

I hope none of that was too harsh or too fluffy and you got some good suggestions from it. Thanks for sharing your wonderful work with me. Keep writing!!
-emilyrebecca🌹




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Sat Feb 04, 2023 11:45 pm
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RavenNaal wrote a review...



This poem is amazing! I love how you put all the thoughts of the character into words and how the flow of the words fit all together. Super well done! Fun theme as well. The transition from a warm and cozy home into a dark and hurtful one is done very well. Then from that into the characters own thoughts and wishes is very nice to read. The only issue I can see with this piece is a few transitioning words that are not properly placed or just shouldn't be there. (In my opinion of course). Examples are, "Today, home is 'But' A growing..." I believe that the but there is not needed and only causes a small break in reading that does not need to be there. It would flow more nicely if it was simply, "Today, home is a growing..." Another example is the A before "Hollow fireplace." The A can be moved down with hollow fireplace to give readers a better flow state when reading. Other than small issues like that the wording, theme, way of writing, and everything else is great! Well done! :)





You know how hard it is to feel like an extreme falcon-headed combat machine when somebody calls you "chicken man"?
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