Wow! This is a great poem! I love the imagery and the metaphoric phrases. It all contributes to an absolutely awesome poem!
Sometimes when the rain falls
You can see yourself in it
Oh of course you’ll first look for a shelter
Look for a hole in the clouds where the sun fits
Okay, this is good rhyming, but the meter is a bit off. To improve it, you can remove the "Oh" in the third line and adjust some other lines. For example:
Sometimes when the rain falls,
You can see yourself within it,
Of course you'll look for shelter first,
For a hole in the clouds where the sun fits.
As you can see, try reading these two different stanzas out loud. The first one is a bit clunky, but the second one is much more connected and rhythmic.
But you’ll only look at the tears above,
Not much caring about the rivers running below your feet
Hissing in sewers, thousands of meters below
Where both rain and darkness meet.
Again, as you can see, this stanza also has a bit of a rhythmic issue. The entire stanza is slightly removed from the rest of the poem. What I mean is that the other stanza's have a whole different rhythm. The rhyming is good, but you need an improved meter. For example:
You only look at the tears above,
Ignoring the rivers below your feet,
Hissing in sewers, meters below,
Where both rain and darkness meet.
As you can see, I slightly shrinked some of the lines so that the rhythm is better.
Most of what I have to say for this poem is about rhythm, but I bet you don't want to hear me rattling on about meters and beat and stuff like that. The imagery, sentence structure, rhyming, metaphoric clauses, and everything else is absolutely amazing. I have only one thing to say: Rhythm. If you work on your rhythm, then you can possibly improve on your work and make even prettier poems!
Anyways-- hope this review has helped you!
Bon Voyage!
-y0sH!
Points: 4265
Reviews: 82
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