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Ash

by stygianmoon17


Sometimes when the rain falls

You can see yourself in it

Oh of course you’ll first look for a shelter

Look for a hole in the clouds where the sun fits

Look for a crowd to dissolve in together

Tear yourself from the water.

But only once behind the safe screen of your window,

Will you look at the water, running down the face of the sky

Silently, quietly, stardust reaching for the ground

Hovering in puddles, waiting seconds as in a whisper, a sigh

Before splattering against the hardened ground.

-

But you’ll only look at the tears above,

Not much caring about the rivers running below your feet

Hissing in sewers, thousands of meters below

Where both rain and darkness meet.

Sometimes when the rain falls

You feel everything you’ve kept below rise

You feel what you never dare felt

Because once long ago, you thought it’d be your demise.

And still you only look at the sky above,

Have you even heard the splatter, the shattering, the broken sound of crashing tears ?

As they splattered against stone, far below their home in the sky

Have you ever heard them whispering, hissing, screaming, all their now awakened fears ?

As they feel the world slowly, oh so slowly, drift by.

Then they’d rush across the ground, caught in a stream of thousands of broken tears

Tears that were never wept,

Tears of a heart that once had nothing to fear

And they’d run and run and run across the ground,

And this time in the slow rising of all their broken sounds

Hoping to be heard, hoping to be understood

Then they’d fall into the sewers, a dive into darkness

And below our feet they’d keep hoping we’ll hear their screams in the silence.

Then they feel themselves be sucked away

And against the darkness as it slowly pieces them apart, they fight

But the darkness dissolves their fight in the pits of the night

Until nothing is left.

And they keep hoping and hoping for a spark,

That someone might put the broken pieces together

And they cling on that hope, and hold on fast

For it is all that is keeping them alive.

-

But your eyes are still turned to the tears running down the face of the sky

And in a shiver you turn to the fireplace and bury your new feelings below ash

Turning away from the rain and it’s bleeding, open gash

Eyes still turned to the sky


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82 Reviews


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Reviews: 82

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Sun Dec 27, 2020 3:07 pm
Yoshikrab wrote a review...



Wow! This is a great poem! I love the imagery and the metaphoric phrases. It all contributes to an absolutely awesome poem!

Sometimes when the rain falls

You can see yourself in it

Oh of course you’ll first look for a shelter

Look for a hole in the clouds where the sun fits


Okay, this is good rhyming, but the meter is a bit off. To improve it, you can remove the "Oh" in the third line and adjust some other lines. For example:

Sometimes when the rain falls,

You can see yourself within it,

Of course you'll look for shelter first,

For a hole in the clouds where the sun fits.


As you can see, try reading these two different stanzas out loud. The first one is a bit clunky, but the second one is much more connected and rhythmic.

But you’ll only look at the tears above,

Not much caring about the rivers running below your feet

Hissing in sewers, thousands of meters below

Where both rain and darkness meet.


Again, as you can see, this stanza also has a bit of a rhythmic issue. The entire stanza is slightly removed from the rest of the poem. What I mean is that the other stanza's have a whole different rhythm. The rhyming is good, but you need an improved meter. For example:

You only look at the tears above,

Ignoring the rivers below your feet,

Hissing in sewers, meters below,

Where both rain and darkness meet.


As you can see, I slightly shrinked some of the lines so that the rhythm is better.

Most of what I have to say for this poem is about rhythm, but I bet you don't want to hear me rattling on about meters and beat and stuff like that. The imagery, sentence structure, rhyming, metaphoric clauses, and everything else is absolutely amazing. I have only one thing to say: Rhythm. If you work on your rhythm, then you can possibly improve on your work and make even prettier poems!

Anyways-- hope this review has helped you!

Bon Voyage!

-y0sH!






Thanks for the review ! And yeah I know most of this poem has a very broken rhythm- well it%u2019s partly because this is more of a in-the-hour idea that I just wanted to write down, and also because the parts where the rhythm is totally off, are that way since this poem isn%u2019t meant to be in a nice flow. It%u2019s about rain falling and crashing. It%u2019s not about a nice flow of rain across the ground- that%u2019s why. So it%u2019s basically something like FALLING- (where the rhythm is nice and flowey) and CRASHING (where the rhythm is totally off track). But again it%u2019s a in-the-hour idea so yeah.



Yoshikrab says...


<3



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Tue Dec 08, 2020 7:08 pm
hannah0528 says...



Hi! Welcome to YWS! Hannah here for a quick review.
First of all, this poem painted perfect imagery in my head! And I agree with Horisun, your punctuation was a little inconsistent. Other than that, great job! Keep writing, have a good day, and merry Christmas!



Hannah




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Sun Dec 06, 2020 8:21 pm
Horisun wrote a review...



Hello there, and a belated welcome to the Young Writers Society! I hope you are having a fantastic day!
This poem was absolutely gorgeous! It painted a perfect image in my mind. All of the 'visuals' were incredible! The tone was on point, and word choice impeccable!
One small thing that I noticed, is that your punctuation is a little inconsistent. Its fine for poems to not have punctuation. But at certain points you use it and at certain points you don't.
(Like I said, just a tiny nitpick XD)
Overall, this poem was incredible! I didn't notice any spelling or grammar errors, so pat yourself on the back for that! Keep on writing, and have a great day!





Hearing these stories makes me realize that I never did anything with my childhood.
— The Internet