z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Ash

by stygianmoon17


Sometimes when the rain falls

You can see yourself in it

Oh of course you’ll first look for a shelter

Look for a hole in the clouds where the sun fits

Look for a crowd to dissolve in together

Tear yourself from the water.

But only once behind the safe screen of your window,

Will you look at the water, running down the face of the sky

Silently, quietly, stardust reaching for the ground

Hovering in puddles, waiting seconds as in a whisper, a sigh

Before splattering against the hardened ground.

-

But you’ll only look at the tears above,

Not much caring about the rivers running below your feet

Hissing in sewers, thousands of meters below

Where both rain and darkness meet.

Sometimes when the rain falls

You feel everything you’ve kept below rise

You feel what you never dare felt

Because once long ago, you thought it’d be your demise.

And still you only look at the sky above,

Have you even heard the splatter, the shattering, the broken sound of crashing tears ?

As they splattered against stone, far below their home in the sky

Have you ever heard them whispering, hissing, screaming, all their now awakened fears ?

As they feel the world slowly, oh so slowly, drift by.

Then they’d rush across the ground, caught in a stream of thousands of broken tears

Tears that were never wept,

Tears of a heart that once had nothing to fear

And they’d run and run and run across the ground,

And this time in the slow rising of all their broken sounds

Hoping to be heard, hoping to be understood

Then they’d fall into the sewers, a dive into darkness

And below our feet they’d keep hoping we’ll hear their screams in the silence.

Then they feel themselves be sucked away

And against the darkness as it slowly pieces them apart, they fight

But the darkness dissolves their fight in the pits of the night

Until nothing is left.

And they keep hoping and hoping for a spark,

That someone might put the broken pieces together

And they cling on that hope, and hold on fast

For it is all that is keeping them alive.

-

But your eyes are still turned to the tears running down the face of the sky

And in a shiver you turn to the fireplace and bury your new feelings below ash

Turning away from the rain and it’s bleeding, open gash

Eyes still turned to the sky


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Points: 75
Reviews: 6

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Sat Mar 06, 2021 4:47 am
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snorfus wrote a review...



Ok brother, i see you have both your green room reviews and say its a shame because im not seeing any criticisms. I cant see a poem as bomb this one go unroasted so i thought id try and give you a more detailed review.

First of all, i came over here from your riddles 2 post. No clue what the answer was but i liked the poetry of both parts, even the nonpoetic one so i though id read some more. Glad i clicked on this one cause its pretty fckn good, if your age is correct then you should def be proud of yourself and keep exploring art with words, ur very talented!

Now that u know you gotta fan, im gonna skip most of the things about the poem i like, especially when i agree with everything in the other comments; use of imagery and the groundedness to setting, &the transitions between literal and metaphor are really good. Good elements of emotional words that worked really well with the topic. The personification is masterful and loved the way you connected my to the hope and possibly hopelessness of the rain. Ill also say that i like the structure you went with, it feels very freeform but also neat & concise.

HOWEVER...!

Most of what ive mentioned here and what ive read in the comments (seemingly) are pertaining to the first half of the poem or so. In other words, your poem has a strong first impression . not to say that it gets bad after a point, because most of the time some later parts of the poem are less important than the initial few stanzas to win admiration of your reader (imo). But i will say that i got lost in the metaphor / personification after a certain line &couldnt cime back until after a couple re reads. Sometimes a poem & some lines in it are better off misunderstood, and its up to you how much confusion is necessary for any given piece, but its important to find the balance.

I see allusions drawn between rain and tears alot in the poem, which is a great comparison but its also quick to adapt to in the poem and doesnt need to be redrawn much. Using tears back to back does bring rhyming and reptition to many parts of your poem, but sometimes clashes with other places you used the words, and it seems that youintroduce it a few times as if its a new element of the poem, which kinda takes away from the first comparison you use of the face of the sky, which is really pretty and doesnt even include the word tear but does in the closing. If tear & the concept of the sky crying is going to be a core part of the repitition then it should be introduced in this line.

At the same time, several lines pass in the poem where you use "they" to call back to the journey that the rain is taking, &sometimes the lines are too far away or too repetitive for me to initially understand what/who "they" is/are.

They is a weak word and brings down the average quality& energy of the vocab theme youve chosen. (use it in one repetitive sequence at MOST ) and "tears" is on thin ice!

My advice is tough, but
(Either)
trim back some of the more rampant &repetitive parts you arent super attached to--(the firdt portion of the poem is a breeze to read, the ending portion is where i noticed a drag)(good rule of thumb is that more of your writing needs to get backspaced then youre ready to let go of, but sometimes you need to ytrust that your good lines are good enough to carry the poemand it will fly without the extra bloat)-- and modify the ones you do care about. Tear has alot of good rhymes, you can challenge yourself and find creative ways to use different words to say the same thing, or expand on the theme/tone youre setting.

(Or)(this would probably make your poem of this size possibly feel restricted and choked, unless well executed which i feel like you could)

Pick ayour repetitive theme and commit somewhere in the beginning. Reader should understand the direction of poem by the first stanza. Use your repetitive phrases/words wisely and sparingly, with a good balance of spacing.

Conclusion: Good parts are really pretty and straightforward enough to not need to high of a word count on some poetic sidetracks . & remember im not a professor and art is subjective, especially poetry, so do ur thing how u feel like u need to and take your reviews with a grain of salt, especially the good ones(humility & groundedness are a poets bff) so dont let anyone tell you if ur shit is good or bad, cuz they didnt make it!!

Thats all i got for ya, keep writing dude & i hope to see some more poems from ya on my feed!



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snorfus says...


Also, title is good & luvved the way it got tied in.





Thank you a lot for the review ^^
This was actually in the green room because it%u2019s an edited old work,
(Btw for the riddles, the first one is Love and the second is Piano)





That part where you mention how "they" is a weak word, it's made on purpose. Saying it's the rain/ tears actually ground it more and gives it an identity- while on the opposite, I wanted to give to this rain a sense of dissociation. As though it's there, but not really the center of our attention. Not sure if that meant sense lol



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Mon Dec 07, 2020 1:30 pm
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Denizen says...



I love how you've written this, it's beautiful. I love the repeated motif of water, and the abundance of imagery. It makes me feel a sense of wonder, and slight despondency, dismayed, but also hopeful. It feels almost lyrical, which I enjoy. The moments of repetition are great, too. Good job.




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Mon Dec 07, 2020 1:22 pm
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Haileyg21 says...



Ok hi sorry. I love you poem.. its so heartfelt and relatable. I love the way you put the words so effortlessly with each other (probably with effort). It amazes me that you can put these words together and make it so perfect. I love that as you write this i can imagine it in my head the rain falling the sounds of the sewer. its Amazing and i git it a 10 out of 10. Thank you for gracing us with this amazing poem.




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Mon Dec 07, 2020 1:22 pm
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Haileyg21 wrote a review...



Ok hi sorry. I love you poem.. its so heartfelt and relatable. I love the way you put the words so effortlessly with each other (probably with effort). It amazes me that you can put these words together and make it so perfect. I love that as you write this i can imagine it in my head the rain falling the sounds of the sewer. its Amazing and i git it a 10 out of 10. Thank you for gracing us with this amazing poem.






To be true %u201Ceffortless%u201D wouldn%u2019t be exact for my poems, %uD83D%uDE05
I spend like a week not thinking about anything and then out of a blue a sentence comes to my mind and then I write and write and write everything that%u2019s on my mind. And sometimes it makes poems. %u201CSpontaneous%u201D would be more exact.
Thanks for the review :D



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45 Reviews


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Mon Dec 07, 2020 1:18 pm
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Haileyg21 says...



oops next ones the review




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Mon Dec 07, 2020 12:10 am
Sai9 says...



Dang that was really good pal, the rhyme scheme made it all the more impactful. Seriously I got into it, the visuals were great. Sorry I can't say anything constructive I just thought it was really nice.




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Thu Dec 03, 2020 2:05 pm
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What?






Sorry about that %uD83D%uDE05 I%u2019m pretty sure you%u2019re talking about my other work.. the Da Worst one I think, where the bio was something like %u201Cif I were high on all the drugs in the world, this is probably what I would write%u201D, and the story made no absolutely no sense where the dude is attacked because he didn%u2019t go out for pizza. It%u2019s about that right ? Sorry %uD83D%uDE05 my friend posted that here as a joke, it%u2019s something I wrote because I was bored out of my mind a few weeks ago.





My comment was about that. Not sure how it ended up here.




Find wonder in the everyday, find everyday language to articulate it.
— Maurice Manning