Ok brother, i see you have both your green room reviews and say its a shame because im not seeing any criticisms. I cant see a poem as bomb this one go unroasted so i thought id try and give you a more detailed review.
First of all, i came over here from your riddles 2 post. No clue what the answer was but i liked the poetry of both parts, even the nonpoetic one so i though id read some more. Glad i clicked on this one cause its pretty fckn good, if your age is correct then you should def be proud of yourself and keep exploring art with words, ur very talented!
Now that u know you gotta fan, im gonna skip most of the things about the poem i like, especially when i agree with everything in the other comments; use of imagery and the groundedness to setting, &the transitions between literal and metaphor are really good. Good elements of emotional words that worked really well with the topic. The personification is masterful and loved the way you connected my to the hope and possibly hopelessness of the rain. Ill also say that i like the structure you went with, it feels very freeform but also neat & concise.
HOWEVER...!
Most of what ive mentioned here and what ive read in the comments (seemingly) are pertaining to the first half of the poem or so. In other words, your poem has a strong first impression . not to say that it gets bad after a point, because most of the time some later parts of the poem are less important than the initial few stanzas to win admiration of your reader (imo). But i will say that i got lost in the metaphor / personification after a certain line &couldnt cime back until after a couple re reads. Sometimes a poem & some lines in it are better off misunderstood, and its up to you how much confusion is necessary for any given piece, but its important to find the balance.
I see allusions drawn between rain and tears alot in the poem, which is a great comparison but its also quick to adapt to in the poem and doesnt need to be redrawn much. Using tears back to back does bring rhyming and reptition to many parts of your poem, but sometimes clashes with other places you used the words, and it seems that youintroduce it a few times as if its a new element of the poem, which kinda takes away from the first comparison you use of the face of the sky, which is really pretty and doesnt even include the word tear but does in the closing. If tear & the concept of the sky crying is going to be a core part of the repitition then it should be introduced in this line.
At the same time, several lines pass in the poem where you use "they" to call back to the journey that the rain is taking, &sometimes the lines are too far away or too repetitive for me to initially understand what/who "they" is/are.
They is a weak word and brings down the average quality& energy of the vocab theme youve chosen. (use it in one repetitive sequence at MOST ) and "tears" is on thin ice!
My advice is tough, but
(Either)
trim back some of the more rampant &repetitive parts you arent super attached to--(the firdt portion of the poem is a breeze to read, the ending portion is where i noticed a drag)(good rule of thumb is that more of your writing needs to get backspaced then youre ready to let go of, but sometimes you need to ytrust that your good lines are good enough to carry the poemand it will fly without the extra bloat)-- and modify the ones you do care about. Tear has alot of good rhymes, you can challenge yourself and find creative ways to use different words to say the same thing, or expand on the theme/tone youre setting.
(Or)(this would probably make your poem of this size possibly feel restricted and choked, unless well executed which i feel like you could)
Pick ayour repetitive theme and commit somewhere in the beginning. Reader should understand the direction of poem by the first stanza. Use your repetitive phrases/words wisely and sparingly, with a good balance of spacing.
Conclusion: Good parts are really pretty and straightforward enough to not need to high of a word count on some poetic sidetracks . & remember im not a professor and art is subjective, especially poetry, so do ur thing how u feel like u need to and take your reviews with a grain of salt, especially the good ones(humility & groundedness are a poets bff) so dont let anyone tell you if ur shit is good or bad, cuz they didnt make it!!
Thats all i got for ya, keep writing dude & i hope to see some more poems from ya on my feed!
Points: 75
Reviews: 6
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