Young Writers Society

Hey there! What a thought-provoking poem here. It's awesome how you've come up with so much imagery to depict your ideas. You've done well starting with something that feels innocent and then building up to show how devastating self hate can end up. Your format is also clear, which is great. I personally am not a fan of the headings that indicate part number, but that's just my opinion. I feel like it's a little distracting since the topic of the poem doesn't really change at all.

Thanks for sharing this poem!

Heya star! Incoming review of more 2020 star poetry! You can't stop me!

So I know you said that you write when you are sad. And I think the genuine hurt and sometimes even hate in most of your works reflects that. But I hope it's a good coping mechanism for you <3. With that said, why don't I dive into the review of the work, shall I?

I guess I will review by stanzas because I haven't done that in a while. So first stanza.

part i

i twisted words of

hate into a flower crown;

i didn't love me

part ii

i plucked feathers from

my tattered and clumsy wings;

i didn't love me

part iii

i kept my heart caged,

wrapped with parasitic vines;

i didn't love me

part iv

i stuffed my hollow

bones with thorns and emptiness;

i didn't love me

part v

i drowned myself in

smothering black holes; i guess

i didn't love me

Hello, i believe the poem is very a very tragic one, the narrator is talking about a time where his emotions sort of betrayed him or her and the self destruction creeped in. There is always an inner battle between the emotional part of ourselves and the rational part. I have been through depression in my life before so this poem really speaks to me. Back then i was feeling like my life had no purpose and was just awful but thanks to Jesus's love i managed to get out of that black hole. If this wasn't just inspiration and you are feeling genuinely depressed i advice you to lean on Jesus, He can make any life story one with a happy ending. About the poem, i like the way you express yourself and your imagination. My favourite lines are i twisted words of hate into a flower crown, i plucked feathers from my tattered and clumsy wings,i kept my heart caged,
wrapped with parasitic vines, i stuffed my hollow bones with thorns and emptiness, i drowned myself in smothering black holes".

Hello @starlitmind! I'm here to review your work.

I think the best place to begin is the title. I love how you repeated it throughout the poem; it felt like some kind of mantra. With each new haiku, you reaffirmed that lack of love. I feel like your style of poetry works especially well if spoken out loud.

Your poem is also complimented by the imagery you used. Though you only described your metaphors in twelve syllables, you were able to pain a vivid image that drove home your message. The imagery you used is honestly some of my favorite imagery I've seen in poetry.

That being said, I do have a critique for your poem. It lacks a strong conclusion. There is a slightly shift in the repetition. Rather than ending the middle line of the final stanza with a semi-colon before jumping to your titular phrase, you added "i guess". It does show the reader that this last stanza is a little different, but fails to give a sense of finality. I can see two ways to get around that. You can either label the stanzas as their own separate parts, or you can add another stanza that adds a stronger conclusion to your story. As of right now, the haikus, for the most part, feel like their own separate poems that are only tied together by the repeating final line and the message.

Here's an example of how you could label them as different parts:

part i

i twisted words of

hate into a flower crown;

i didn't love me

-

part ii

i plucked feathers from

my tattered and clumsy wings;

i didn't love me

Hey Starlitmind!

I'll start by saying that there are some great things about this, but... 'I didn't love me' is grammatically incorrect and I can't get over the repetition of it. Sorry! I realise it's not something that can just be easily edited because they're a series of haiku and the syllables have to be correct. 'Me' is an object pronoun, but because it's the speaker using it then it should be the reflexive pronoun 'myself.'

The images you've used are really creative, and I think each one evokes a very strong sentiment in itself. In the first few there is this beautiful contradiction in that they seem like very nurturing actions- making a flower crown, pruning old feathers, fortifying bones- but the actual context of each one highlights the superficiality of the actions. It's like when a person puts on a mask to hide their emotions.

There's a lot of strong substance to these, but I do thing that getting rid of the repetition of the last lines would make them a lot stronger.

It makes me think that I'm not giving myself much credits that I should have. Don't be too hard on yourself.
(Low-key, I got emotional T . T)
Hey, I want to tell you that you are doing good. Do everything at you own pace. : ) I'll cheer for you!

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