The sun was shy behind your eyes
Timid roses were hiding behind curtains in your cheeks
Your smile was a fragile glass tower
(one push for it to slip and shatter).
Your mind was lost in wispy clouds floating over a distant land,
And your heart was quietly whispering for help
Underneath all those walls you had carefully crafted,
Each brick having a reason of its own.
You stuffed away worn-out happiness In your nightstand drawer,
And your trashcan was full of shattered promises
(I know mine are cracked and broken in there, too).
You spent most of your nights out in the garden
Watering dead flowers, because they seemed the most alive to you,
And undoing the threads you were built of
In the hope of making something new out of something broken.
You bled, and I couldn't quite tell
Whose blood you were bleeding.
I wish I were brave enough to read in between the lines
I wish you were brave enough to hold my hand,
but the stars don't hold on to hopeless wishes
(like the way you didn't hold my hand).
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140,268 Literary Works • 673,077 Reviews
Hey Star! I have a review for you!
Wowie, were these two powerful lines. We don't just push people away and build a wall in a day. It slowly happens over time and after each bad experience, a new brick is placed. And every brick has a reason why it's placed down. I think this is a beautiful metaphor and really speaks on humanity's tendency to push one another away over time.I don't know why I don't read your works more often lol. They seem so personal yet anyone can read and relate. You manage to put so much emotion into this poem in particular, yet somehow distance yourself so the reader can feel these emotions and see these images, not just you telling it to them. I've never seen anything like it, and it feels weird, but like a good weird, to be feeling and seeing these things when you are just telling a story in poetry. I don't think I can even put it into words.
Two lines I would like to point out in particular are these ones
One minor thing that I also love is how you use parenthesis. This is the only part that is interrupted by your own thoughts. It makes the reader still remember that you are telling a story about this person, from your perspective. And you only use it in three stanzas. And more "odd" the third stanza is the one that doesn't have it. I honestly think it lends for the reader to get so captivated in this person's activities and then in the last stanza we're brought back to reality. You telling us about this person.
My only critiques might have been to make the "theme" ,per se, more pronounced. just skimming your other works, it looks like you like to keep the message/ overall story of the poem more vague for the reader's interpretation. It's just for this poem, I needed to read it twice to ground myself in your poetic style. This can just be me, so you can keep the narrative style the way you choose for any more poems you might write.
The only other critique is capitalization. Although this is a stylistic choice, having some lines be lowercase when it's continuing from a pervious line might breathe more life into this poem in particular.
But that's all I have for today! I hope you found this useful! And if I got the narrative completely wrong you can correct me XD. Love your poetry, even if this was from 2020. Have a great day, star!! Anyway byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee<3<3<3
OMG FIREEEEEEEEE THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR REVIEWING THIS PIECE!!!!! :') I totally forgot this piece existed haha xD and your review totally made my day to read. it's so sweet and I love the critique you offered c: THANKS FOR THE REVIEW, YOU WONDERFUL PERSON!!! YOU ARE WONDERFUL <333
Thanks for loving 2020 star :')))
YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY TOO, BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEE <33333
Oh god, where to start with this one?? First off, this is just a really pretty poem in general. The imagery is absolutely lovely and just sort of gently sad. "Your mind was lost in wispy clouds floating over a distant land" is such a clever line for taking the common "head in the clouds" metaphor and expanding on it so it becomes so much more fantastical. The verse:
"I wish I were brave enough to read in between the lines
I wish you were brave enough to hold my hand,
but stars don't hold on to hopeless wishes
(like the way you didn't hold my hand)."
really captures the longing and wistfulness of the narrator wishing for something they believe will never happen. This, coupled with the quiet admission of "(I know mine are cracked and broken in there, too)" makes it so the reader can sympathize with not just the subject of the poem, but also the narrator. Additionally, the flow of the poem is amazing. "Your smile was a fragile glass tower (one push for it to slip and shatter)" has a nice rhythm. The characterization of the subject in the first verse "The sun was shy behind your eyes" is interesting because the sun is usually associated with happiness, so this contrasts the subject's sadness in later verses. It really drives home the point that though this person seems outwardly happy in appearance, that's not the case on the inside. Overall, this was a wonderful poem. Well done!
Thank you so much for your review and kind words!! I loved reading your thoughts on it <3
Hey. I loved your poem! I thought you said some really beautiful things. My favorite part was " The sun was shy behind your eyes Timid roses were hiding behind curtains in your cheeks Your smile was a fragile glass tower (one push for it to slip and shatter).". I loved this part so much because even if the sun, which I assimilate with happiness, and the roses, who are one of the most beautiful flowers, are their the character can go away so quickly. Just like glass who can brake so easily no matter what beauty or what happiness their is next to it. I know curiosity killed the Cat, but I'd like to know where did you get the inspiration to find such good lines? Have a great day/evening!
Thank you so much for your kind words! I really appreciate it ^^
As for where I got the inspiration, honestly, I'm not quite sure. I write a lot when I'm sad, so that's where a lot of my work blooms from. Sorry if that's not much help cx I also like listening to music though to get inspiration! Especially instrumental for writing
Again, thank you so much!! <3
Thank you so much for your kind words! I really appreciate it ^^
As for where I got the inspiration, honestly, I'm not quite sure. I write a lot when I'm sad, so that's where a lot of my work blooms from. Sorry if that's not much help cx I also like listening to music though to get inspiration! Especially instrumental for writing
Again, thank you so much!! <3
Your welcome!
Hi starlit mind...
I think your poem is great ! IT has everything a poem needs to have. I was inspired by the lines u used.I loved the line "Your mind was lost in wispy clouds floating over a distant land,"
I dont know how you get such wonderful ideas. It was amazing !
Keep writing!
Thank you so much for your review! <3 I really appreciate it
Hello starlit mind!
This is a really nice poem with well-written imagery, good job!
The first thing I want to mention is stanzas. If you don't know, stanzas in poetry are sort of like paragraphs in stories. They're how you divide the poem into smaller chunks of text.
Below is a spoiler of one way you could use stanzas in this poem:
Spoiler
The sun was shy behind your eyes
The roses were hiding behind curtains in your cheeks
Your smile was a fragile glass tower
(one push for it to slip and shatter).
Your mind was lost in wispy clouds floating over a distant land,
And your heart was quietly whispering for help
Underneath all those walls you had carefully crafted,
Each brick having a reason of its own.
You stuffed away worn out happiness In your nightstand drawer,
And your trashcan was full of shattered promises
(I know mine are still withering in there too).
You spent most of your nights out in the garden
Watering dead flowers, because they seemed the most alive to you,
And undoing the threads you were built of
In the hope of making something new out of something broken.
You bled, and I couldn't quite tell
Whose blood you were bleeding.
I wish I were brave enough to read in between the lines
I wish you were brave enough to hold my hand,
but the stars don't hold on to hopeless wishes
(like the way you didn't hold my hand).
There are other ways you could divide it up; that's just one example. I highly suggest using stanzas, as they make a poem easier to read and less intimidating.
I just have one grammar-ish thing:
Worn out should by hyphenated -> worn-out.
Lastly, I have a couple of wording suggestions.
I would suggest rewording one of these lines slightly, so that they both don't start with "the [noun]". For example, you could say
Timid roses were hiding behind curtains in your cheeks
To create more variation.
Sometimes repetition is good for emphasis, but in this case I would try to avoid repetition.
Here, you first compare promising to something shattered (glass comes to mind), and then refer to the promising withering (which makes me picture plants).
I personally would try to stay consistent with the imagery. For example, you could change the second line to:
(I know mine are cracked and broken in there, too)
or something along the lines of that.
Overall, this is a really beautiful, moving poem. If you have any questions about this review, please feel free to ask.
Keep writing!
Whatchamacallit
Thank you so much for your review! I%u2019ll work on fixing the things you mentioned. Thank you for your advice!
<3
I edited the things you mentioned, but whenever I try to break the poem into stanzas and save the changes, the space disappears. Do you know how I can fix that?
Yeah, sometimes it does that for me too. There's not really a way to fix it, but when that happens to me I add a couple of underscores (_____) between the stanzas so that the spaces don't disappear.
Oh okay! Thank you
no problem :]
Beautiful and Heart Wrenching. I absolutely adore the metaphors and descriptions, especially the parts,"The sun was shy behind your eyes, The roses were hiding behind curtains in your cheeks".
The poem opens up and provides a massive impact to the reader as well as an insight into the character. As the poem progresses, it gets darker and yet so intimate. The very substance we are composed of seems foreign and the pain builds inside, shattering our soul.
The lines within the parenthesis offer a relation to the writer and bring about the notion of unrequited love, which coupled with these lines:
"You bled, and I couldn't quite tell
Whose blood you were bleeding.
I wish I were brave enough to read in between the lines
I wish you were brave enough to hold my hand,
but the stars don't hold on to hopeless wishes"
makes for an emotional and moving read, the pining inside the writer crafted into words. I loved this. I hope you will continue to write and delight us with your works. Thank you so much
Thank you so much for this review!! It really means a lot to me, and I thank you for your time <3