a/n this is based on soundofmind's statement, "i inhaled the smell of sunshine and it tastes like pizza"
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hey there startlitmind! Tuck here with a review
This poem was chock-full of imagery and I am l i v i n g for it! The way you connected the images of pizza to the idea of smells and the sky was so vivid it made me hungry. It was full of neatly-drawn comparisons and had a wonderful build and a satisfying conclusion. All in all, you've made my job as a critique-r very hard
I think one area I would have liked to see some expansion is your last line of the first stanza -- the line that says "make the heavens cry". Might I suggest specifying the tear as another opportunity to insert some imagery? Maybe the heavens cry marinara sauce, or garlic sauce, or drops of salt water, or anything that fits well with the theme you've carved out. It felt like you created a line with a lot of potential to finish that stanza with a strong, full-circle image and then just left it.
As a super minor note, "birds crashing into towers" is a more powerful image to me than "birds running into towers". It may be worth incorporating in a future edit.
I think I may have missed your point with "so does that make the sunset // a fruit or a vegetable?" While it's a neat thought, it lacks any sort of profound impact for me. It's not a question I'll continue to dwell on, and it comes on the heels of some poetic thoughts that are [profoundly impactful. Maybe if you expanded on the idea of the differences between fruits and vegetables and drew some connections there -- like if you established fruits as something fresh, refreshing, and invigorating and vegetables as something nourishing and filling, it would have more of an impact, but at the moment it wasn't particularly striking.
And finally, "fizzy discovery" also didn't hit as hard for me. I'm thinking that maybe if you inserted some lines about visiting pizza parlors and filling a plastic cup with every type of soda and then downing all of it, or a similar image, it might have a stronger impact, but as is, it seems to come out of nowhere rather than taking an image or idea full-circle.
Overall, this was a very strong poem that was filled with so much imagery I almost cried tears of joy. You continually impress me with the way you're able to use outer space to make me feel things, and this poem was no exception. In this poem, I especially enjoyed the way you engaged all of the senses in a way that made my mouth water and me crave pizza. Please feel free to reach out with any questions, and I hope to read more from you soon!
Best,
Tuck
Ahh thank you so much for such an amazing review and the kind words!! <33 I really appreciate this
Ooh I really love the idea of the heavens crying marinara sauce! I think I'm going to use that c: And the "running" to "crashing" is definitely a more powerful image; I really love that idea as well!
It's good to know that you needed some clarification with the sunset fruit or vegetable thing! To be honest, I didn't really have any meaning behind it, I just kinda threw it in there xD I'll take another look at that!
Ooh, I'm glad to know about the fizzy discovery thing! I'll take another look at that as well!!
Again, thank you so very much for the review! I've read a bunch of your reviews, and they are always so detailed and well written, just like this one. This brought up a lot of good points, and I really appreciate it! <3
Don't have a review, just wanted to say that this is actually a really good poem. Not even humorously. It's just a great poem overall. I feel nostalgic and thoughtful in all the best ways.
That is all, okay now I'm going
Oh wow, that is so sweet of you to say! Thank you so much, Lia!! <3 Your words mean a lot to me %u2764%uFE0F%u2764%uFE0F
Oops, that mess at the end was meant to be two hearts haha xD
Now I want pizza
Haha
Here's the best I could do! ^^
(p.s. I love your poems <3)
Hey, there! I really liked this poem. It's cute, with a light mood, but the sober feeling of deep thoughts. Comparing the sky to different foods is so creative! I don't think I'd ever have thought of that. That's actually what makes this poem so great; you've gone beyond the typical poetic descriptions and put imaginative, personal touches all over it.
I think I like these lines best:
"everything between fizzy discovery
and pizza on a sunday afternoon."
The only thing I would suggest possibly changing would be capitalizing the proper nouns "I" and "Sunday." But considering the overall style and format, the way you've done it doesn't come off too badly. So that's just my suggestion.
Again, I like this work, and appreciate the glimpse into your imagination you've given us. Keep it up!
Thank you so much for your review and kind words! <3 I'm glad you didn't mind the capitalization; it was a stylistic choice :p
Again, thanks a bunch for the review and kindness! <33
I'm not sure if what I'm about to say is an actual review, but here I am
I have only one word- LOVE.
The metaphors, the images,color palette- everything. Usually I have trouble saying something about works I loved / somehow it's easier to talk about things that went wrong, because they're obvious/.
But I just liked everything- especially "the sunset is made of crushed red pepper" bit.
I know it's tagged as Humor, and everyone has their own interpretation of the poem but parts like "i wonder what lies beyond the moon" and a few more comparisons made me feel a bit nostalgic and created a very specific mood for me.
Thank you for giving me the best thing I've read today.
See you around
Aw, this is such a sweet review!! Thank you for all the kind words, I really appreciate it
<3
Hey you, I thought I'd drop by to review this fun poem!
)
I love, love, love how you play with the senses and mix them all up in the opening lines ~ it paints such a vivid picture in my mind. And just how absurd and silly everything about this poem is, makes it such a light and enjoyable read. (I mean absurd and silly in the absolute best way possible
I'm going to look at the imagery first, since that's a pretty noticeable part of this poem! As I already said, I love how you swap senses in the opening three lines ~ I think it'd be awesome if you could incorporate more sense-mixing imagery throughout the poem? For example, something like "airplanes singing streaks of water vapour" (that's not the greatest example but hopefully you get the gist!)
^I'm not sure how I feel about the phrase "birds running into towers". It just seems so literal and serious compared to all your other fun, bouncy descriptions, and "towers" feels like a reference to the real-world that comes out of nowhere, if that makes sense. That could just be me, so if you feel differently that's totally fine - but if you are thinking of changing it, maybe you could switch "tower" out for "broccoli trees" or something like that?
Hah! Caught you sneaking outer space imagery into a poem about pizza
(Side note ~ I also love how you split the word "half-eaten" in half, between two lines!)
Now onto some lovely stylistic choices, namely capitalization and punctuation! I love the lower-case capitalization, it adds to the silly, fun, informal mood of the poem really nicely. If you wanted to play around you could think about capitalizing only the word "pizza" or something like that, but that's totally unnecessary!
Punctuation-wise, I'm not sure about your use of (or lack of) periods. Of course this is completely up to you as the poet, and this is just my personal opinion, so no pressure to change it if you don't like. Having said that, I would suggest either taking out the period after "pineapples" and starting "perhaps" on a new line, or add a couple periods throughout the rest of the poem (especially at the end of the first stanza). I think you can definitely leave a period after "afternoon", as that's a strong way to finish the poem - but in the rest of the poem, I want it to feel like you've made a conscious decision either to not use periods at all or to use them where grammatically necessary, since the rest of the choices you've made in this poem are so deliberate and strong.
Again, this is a stylistic detail and if you feel differently that's totally reasonable
^For nitpicks, I just found one single lonely little typo in the final stanza!
Wow this is such a fun goofy poem and such an enjoyable read! And I can say for sure the concept is 10/10 for original! I love the creative imagery, and the sense-swapping, and honestly the entire concept of this poem is great <3
I think I'll end my review here, I hope you find it useful!
Keep writing!
whatcha
Thank you so much for such an amazing review!! <33
Ooh, the bird and towers thing is such a good point. I never thought of that before; I love the idea of broccoli trees!
You caught me xD I couldn't help but including the outer space imagery, it just happens!
I'm glad you mentioned the punctuation, because I wasn't feeling quite right about the punctuation I used! What you said is extremely helpful, so thank you for that ^^
OH HOW did I not see that typo? xD Thanks a bunch for pointing that out!!
This review was definitely useful; thank you so much for all of your kind words and helpful suggestions. It really means a lot!! <3
"Does that make the sun set a fruit or a vegetable?" Very funny.
Haha, thank you!! xD