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Baba

by starlitmind



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40 Reviews


Points: 457
Reviews: 40

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Thu Sep 24, 2020 2:23 pm
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LordMomo says...



I just wanted to offer my support. If you're going though something like this, I want you to know you can PM me if you need to talk. <3<3




starlitmind says...


AW, you're always such a sweet and lovely person!! I really appreciate it, thank you <3 <3



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26 Reviews


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Thu Sep 24, 2020 1:15 pm
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Tanishka says...



I have no words at all.




starlitmind says...


Aww thank you! :3 <3



Tanishka says...


Your welcome!



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Tue Sep 22, 2020 8:05 pm
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Buranko wrote a review...



This poem is filled with pain but in such a poetical way I could not resist leaving a review here. So here are my honest opinions on your poem.
The sadness and despair in this work has really deep roots, roots that evolve the poem from a mere group of thoughts to a really profound piece. You nailed it in achieving that poetic feel with the simple but vivid descriptions. The one that stood out the most to me was "my mother's cheeks/mosaicked with tears". That is because this simple line has soooo much depth to it. First of all it gave me the image of light shining on the tears and creating bright colors scattered all over her face. Secondly it added a nice detail, I thought about wrinkled cheeks, and the tears flowing down and filling them, therefore creating a mosaic.
Reading this poem I loved the innocence of the persona. He/she seems like a small child unaware of the situation fully but feels that something is wrong seeing a lot of drugs, parents crying and these "hushed conversations". Praying is the only thing the child can do to help and the mother is aware of this that's why she begs him or her to pray as much as possible. The child wants to show all of the love inside his heart by being there to hold his dad's hand, hug him etc.
Only one thing to correct in my opinion: I dislike repetitions of a certain word just like you did there with "my mother's cheeks/my mother comes". Try to change the second mother. It really breaks the flow of the poem if you ask me.
Great job, sending virtual hugs and high fives. Keep writing!




starlitmind says...


Thank you so much for the kind words and the review!! <3 Also, congrats on FM! :D

Thank you for pointing out the repetition; I'll definitely take a second look at that!

Again, thanks for the review and kind comments! I really appreciate it <3



Buranko says...


No problem, good luck in your future works. Also thanks as well



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Mon Sep 21, 2020 4:50 am
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LittleLee wrote a review...



Hey, star.

If this is something you and your parents are going through, I'm sorry. You can always dm me if you want to talk. <3
And, of course, I hope the treatment goes completely well. I'll pray for your dad, too, every night until October 9th.

Each line carries a profound sense of sadness, something that can't be washed away. It resonates within the reader, you know? The diction is very well chosen, with almost all the words being best suited to the context.

strangling my heart and setting fire to my eyes

This very nearly broke my heart, it's so powerful.

One thing I'd like to ask, though; why did you use the word "pinata" to describe how full you were? It seems a slightly odd choice. On one hand, it can be taken as reminiscence of a time longed for, and on the other hand the image isn't as strong as it could potentially be.

my mother comes into my room every night

Maybe you could say, "she" instead of "my mother again." That way, the syllable count is reduced.

are you scared?
tell me if you are scared...

This whole stanza was just... wow. I can practically see sorrow and pain welling from the words on my screen.

This is a beautiful, heartbreaking poem. I just can't find the words to express the depth of sadness I feel, or just how good this is.

Sending lots of love,
Lee




starlitmind says...


Thank you so much for the review and kind words! Your words mean a lot to me <3

I appreciate all of your suggestions and comments! I agree with them and will definitely consider them when I review this :)

Again, thanks a bunch for the kindest. I really do appreciate it <3 <3



LittleLee says...


<333333



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Mon Sep 21, 2020 2:04 am
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Vil wrote a review...



@starlitmind--

I'll be writing this review assuming that this is happening in your life, so, first things first-- *hugs you in a Hazmat suit*

This poem is filled with a lot of emotion that hit me like a train wreck-- it reminded me of so many things at once that I just had to take a second and remember all sorts of stuff. Fear, sadness, and prayer fill your words, and it sends a strong message: "I am here for you, I don't want to lose you, let me stay with you."

I really have nothing negative to say about this poem, although I would consider making "CT" and "IV" lowercase for consistency.

Have a nice [*insert time of day here*]!!!




starlitmind says...


Thanks for the review and kind words, Vil! The "hazmat suit" made me laugh xD

I was considering lowercasing IV and CT, so I'm glad to know what your thoughts were on it.

Again, thanks a bunch for the review. I really appreciate the kindness <3 <3



Vil says...


Ofc-- anything for a fellow writer <3



Buranko says...


Damn Vil, how can I be as wholesome as you ?




The universe will reward you for taking risks on its behalf.
— Shakti Gawain